Crawling from the wreckage
- Thread starter TryingHarder
- Start date
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 74 (no PMO), day 3 (no MO).
Slowly but surely heading towards 90 days and the "official" end of the reboot. Feeling good. Part of me is impatient to have some kind of major transformation, meet a cool foxy woman with sexy results, and walk off into the sunset with her. But I know this is more about one day at a time and small victories that lead to a different kind of reward. Instead of looking for sunshine and lollipops every day, I should instead be thankful that every day is not fog and eating dirt (ie: staying addicted to porn and experiencing poor mental health).
Slowly but surely heading towards 90 days and the "official" end of the reboot. Feeling good. Part of me is impatient to have some kind of major transformation, meet a cool foxy woman with sexy results, and walk off into the sunset with her. But I know this is more about one day at a time and small victories that lead to a different kind of reward. Instead of looking for sunshine and lollipops every day, I should instead be thankful that every day is not fog and eating dirt (ie: staying addicted to porn and experiencing poor mental health).
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 75 (no PMO), day 4 (no MO).
Some shadowy porn urges today. Nothing I couldn't handle, but trying to figure out what the trigger was. It's kind of like hearing the echo from someone shouting (checks notes) 75 days ago.
Some shadowy porn urges today. Nothing I couldn't handle, but trying to figure out what the trigger was. It's kind of like hearing the echo from someone shouting (checks notes) 75 days ago.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 78 (no PMO), day 7 (no MO).
Not much to report. Which is probably a good thing.
Not much to report. Which is probably a good thing.
GBS
Respected Member
These are stellar numbers. Do you still get urges? ‘Course you do. But you get them more infrequently right? I don’t know about you, but do you get a sense of guilt when you get the urge to look at porn again. I do. I keep saying I know I will never go back, but I am told this smacks of complacency and that’s definitely something I have to be careful of.
Anyway, you’re one of the reasons I got where I am, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart and please keep going.
Anyway, you’re one of the reasons I got where I am, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart and please keep going.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Hey, thanks @GBS. Glad we can support each other, since this is a tough road to walk on your own. I don't know what I would do without this forum either.
No real urges to look at porn, other than an occasional "flash" of favourite porn girls in my head. It's like you think the fire is out, but then suddenly a glowing ember pops up. I've also noticed that thinking about thinking about porn (!) isn't helping. I read articles, think about my own history, think about the porn I looked at, feel thankful that it never got too bizarre or raunchy, try to analyze things, etc. But - argh - how about I just stop thinking about that troubling and disturbing past altogether?!
Day 79 (no PMO), day 8 (no MO).
No real urges to look at porn, other than an occasional "flash" of favourite porn girls in my head. It's like you think the fire is out, but then suddenly a glowing ember pops up. I've also noticed that thinking about thinking about porn (!) isn't helping. I read articles, think about my own history, think about the porn I looked at, feel thankful that it never got too bizarre or raunchy, try to analyze things, etc. But - argh - how about I just stop thinking about that troubling and disturbing past altogether?!
Day 79 (no PMO), day 8 (no MO).
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 80 (no PMO), day 9 (no MO).
Something that I wrote in another thread...
Whenever I feel the urge to look at porn or some porn images dance around in my head, I ask myself:
What's happening?
What's the bigger picture here?
What emotions led you to have these thoughts?
What problem are you trying to solve?
Whatever it is, porn is not the answer.
As a deterrent, I think of it like a security camera point of view: you're just going to be an idiot jerking off in front of his computer. The footage is played in court, and the judge finds me guilty.
Something that I wrote in another thread...
Whenever I feel the urge to look at porn or some porn images dance around in my head, I ask myself:
What's happening?
What's the bigger picture here?
What emotions led you to have these thoughts?
What problem are you trying to solve?
Whatever it is, porn is not the answer.
As a deterrent, I think of it like a security camera point of view: you're just going to be an idiot jerking off in front of his computer. The footage is played in court, and the judge finds me guilty.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 82 (no PMO), day 11 (no MO).
Had some strong porn ideas (girls) floating around in my head yesterday. Don't know what the trigger was, but I was remembering one of my favourite models. I have to remind myself that those girls aren't real, we never had sex, and it was all just fapping in front of my computer. Ugh!
Had some strong porn ideas (girls) floating around in my head yesterday. Don't know what the trigger was, but I was remembering one of my favourite models. I have to remind myself that those girls aren't real, we never had sex, and it was all just fapping in front of my computer. Ugh!
GBS
Respected Member
The floating thoughts I think are very natural, after all they’ve been there literally for years and we’ve reinforced the paths to these thoughts with the porn fast food. I liked your previous deterrent that you can watch yourself on a security camera whacking off to the women on the screen. The women on the screen would think we were sad sad people. We were - past tense.
Keep going, pal. You’re nearly at 90 days. I see you have changed your moniker to Captain Haddock. I was a massive Tintin fan in my youth.
Keep going, pal. You’re nearly at 90 days. I see you have changed your moniker to Captain Haddock. I was a massive Tintin fan in my youth.
I like your new profile pic, T.H.! It made me laugh, and I appreciate your journey, too.
Good job on over 80 days!
Good job on over 80 days!
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 83 (no PMO), day 12 (no MO).
Thanks @Phineas 808, @tay97, @GBS.
The porn imagery and urge to MO has been really strong and bothersome lately. I spend time trying to figure out what the triggers are, but there's not always something obvious (stress, anxiety, a bad conversation, etc). I also remind myself that with an addiction that lasted 25 years, those thoughts and ideas are not going to simply disappear after a few months. Usually it's a temporary fixation on one of my favourite porn girls, like remembering an old girlfriend.
And yes, I'm a big Tintin fan. I saw that picture and had the crazy idea: what if Haddock had a porn addiction? "Thundering typhoons! Not another relapse!"
Thanks @Phineas 808, @tay97, @GBS.
The porn imagery and urge to MO has been really strong and bothersome lately. I spend time trying to figure out what the triggers are, but there's not always something obvious (stress, anxiety, a bad conversation, etc). I also remind myself that with an addiction that lasted 25 years, those thoughts and ideas are not going to simply disappear after a few months. Usually it's a temporary fixation on one of my favourite porn girls, like remembering an old girlfriend.
And yes, I'm a big Tintin fan. I saw that picture and had the crazy idea: what if Haddock had a porn addiction?
"Thundering typhoons! Not another relapse!"
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Indeed, GBS! I often think about the weird "relationship" I have (had) with favourite adult models. I always thought it would be interesting to confront one of them and ask "so how does it feel knowing that millions of men of all ages are jerking off while looking at pictures and videos of you?" That's not meant to condemn the women personally - I guess they were just doing a job - but honestly - they must know what they're getting into, and if they don't, they should. The whole business is creepy and exploitative. Even if those girls are treated nicely and the photos are arty, the end result is the same: fapping around the world.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 84 (no PMO), day 13 (no MO).
So the porn imagery floating around in my brain has calmed down, but now I find myself engaging in compulsive behavior that kind of mimics looking at porn. Too much time on social media websites, scrolling on sites looking at images (not porn or porn subs thankfully), and also using some apps too often. Compulsive behaviour. It's like my brain is looking for some kind of dopamine fix and hopes it will find it through the act of browsing and scrolling. But what am I looking for? Maybe I need to stay away from the internet for a few days and put out those fires.
So the porn imagery floating around in my brain has calmed down, but now I find myself engaging in compulsive behavior that kind of mimics looking at porn. Too much time on social media websites, scrolling on sites looking at images (not porn or porn subs thankfully), and also using some apps too often. Compulsive behaviour. It's like my brain is looking for some kind of dopamine fix and hopes it will find it through the act of browsing and scrolling. But what am I looking for? Maybe I need to stay away from the internet for a few days and put out those fires.
Simon2
Well-Known Member
Oh man. That sounds EXACTLY like me. I think I sometimes troll the internet just sort of waiting for an excuse to fail with P too... my therapist also suggested in the past that partially I have an internet addiciton (that's a strong term - but a compulsion to keep seeking out stimulation from novelty - porn is the strongest - but for example videos of car crashes work at a lower level too).Day 84 (no PMO), day 13 (no MO).
So the porn imagery floating around in my brain has calmed down, but now I find myself engaging in compulsive behavior that kind of mimics looking at porn. Too much time on social media websites, scrolling on sites looking at images (not porn or porn subs thankfully), and also using some apps too often. Compulsive behaviour. It's like my brain is looking for some kind of dopamine fix and hopes it will find it through the act of browsing and scrolling. But what am I looking for? Maybe I need to stay away from the internet for a few days and put out those fires.
Taking a break from it all seems like a good idea!
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 86 (no PMO), day 0 (no MO).
Damn. I was doing well and fighting the urges, but today I gave in. What's frustrating is that I thought I was inspired to MO for positive reasons and then towards the end realized it was motivated by stress and some unpleasant situations. Still better than PMO, but I hereby resolve to not MO for 30 days no matter what.
In my profession, we have a motto: when it doubt, leave it out. Seems that applies to more than one thing!
Damn. I was doing well and fighting the urges, but today I gave in. What's frustrating is that I thought I was inspired to MO for positive reasons and then towards the end realized it was motivated by stress and some unpleasant situations. Still better than PMO, but I hereby resolve to not MO for 30 days no matter what.
In my profession, we have a motto: when it doubt, leave it out. Seems that applies to more than one thing!
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 88 (no PMO), day 2 (no MO).
Wow, almost 90 days and the "end" of the reboot. I put end in quotes because, of course, 90 days without PMO and limited MO is just the beginning.
Wow, almost 90 days and the "end" of the reboot. I put end in quotes because, of course, 90 days without PMO and limited MO is just the beginning.