Journal for my reboot

[96LostWanderer]

December 14th 2021

Been having some huge urges lately. Visited NSFW Twitter pages, opening images but covering them with my hand and clicking away. It's like I keep going to the edge and then pulling back. Obviously this isn't helping and making my urges worse. So I'm now on my laptop instead of my phone because I have Twitter blocked on here. Making this post to stay accountable. Will aim to avoid peeking for the rest of the day.

 

[96LostWanderer]

December 16th 2021

Had a good chat with another SAA fellow over the phone today. I feel like the phone chats are really helping me to think about my addiction and how to deal with it, but also reminding me to be gentle with myself. Another SAA member who has been going to meetings for a long time got me thinking about this after I acted out recently. He asked how long it took me to become addicted to porn and how long I've been looking at it. I said a long time, over 10 years. He reminded me that if it took so long, the addiction won't be dealt with overnight. He said relapses and setbacks are part of the process. But he told me to be gentle with myself and do my gratitudes and just have belief. So I'm going to work on being kind to myself, which doesn't come naturally. But beating myself up all the time hasn't worked.

 

[Phineas 808]

So I'm going to work on being kind to myself, which doesn't come naturally. But beating myself up all the time hasn't worked.

This literally was a game changer for me. Shame is a major driver of this addiction, and understanding, grace toward oneself and self-compassion, are keys to having a faster and stronger rebound in lieu of a slip, lapse or relapse.

 

[Filmguy30]

EDIT: OOF, I didn’t read the most recent posts - this was in response to Dec. 4th post. Lol sorry.

Hey Wanderer,

glad to see you back on here brother. I sadly am still really trying to figure out the best ways of coping with things since I’ve removed porn as my support system lol. The only thing, outside of constant exercise and slight meditation, that’s really helped me is just keeping perspective on control. Oftentimes, we’ll be so angry at something without realizing that there’s nothing that we could have done to avoid it. For example, seeing your crush with her boyfriend. It sucks, you shouldn’t have to see that. But, the reality is that coincidence and randomness happen which forces you to see it and feel low. But by sacrificing the control on it of “I should’ve talked to her” or “maybe there’s a chance”, you can let yourself be a little more free. That way, when this stuff does happen, you can think about how the only thing you can control is your reaction to the what happened. By choosing to not spiral and jump back to PMO, you control what you can control.

All of this coming from someone who is still trying everyday to get better so if this doesn’t work for you then all good! Glad you’re on here again though and doing okay.

 

[96LostWanderer]

Thanks @Filmguy30, hope you’re doing well.

Back on here after a couple weeks away. Still haven’t found a longer fix to my addiction but I’m working on being gentle with myself, as advised by one of my SAA fellows and people on here. I’m not beating myself up even if I do slip, just trying to see what I can learn from it.

Hope you’re all doing well and wishing everyone a happy new year.

 

[96LostWanderer]

4th January 2022

Tempted to look at porn right now, just started up my blocker software and will come off the internet now

 

[96LostWanderer]

5th January 2022

Relapsed on day 4. The only positive I can take is that the porn was boring me and I decided to stop looking at it. Usually I wouldn’t stop until after orgasm. So I will try to bear in mind that the thought of porn in my mind is more interesting and satisfying than the reality.

 

[96LostWanderer]

10th February 2022

Been neglecting many aspects of my recovery lately including posting on this forum. I'm going to check in more regularly again. I had a good run of sobriety for one week recently but then acted out three days in a row. On the advice of my SAA sponsor I'm taking things one day at a time so I'm not going to make any more goals of avoiding porn for a week or a month for the time being.

 

[96LostWanderer]

29th August 2022

Back on here again, haven't used this forum much lately. I have still had relapses but currently on day 5 without porn. I am trying to complete a 30 day challenge and using different resources to help including Remojo, which helps me block content on my phone. I really wish I had more motivation though. It's like I 'want to want' to stop watching porn but sometimes the motivation just slips.

 

[96LostWanderer]

27th November 2023

Depressingly I am back here again. I made this thread over two years ago and the addiction still holds onto me. Unfortunately things have been pretty bad this year, especially in the second half - relapses fairly consistent. I find it very hard to manage a week without relapse. I have an accountability partner but I am going to try and post here more often for extra support. Ultimately the only way I can overcome this is by gaining self-belief, but encouragement from others will help with that.

 

[96LostWanderer]

Made it through the night without any strong urges. Let’s focus on today.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Made it through the night without any strong urges. Let’s focus on today.

Yes, this can only be done one day at a time. Actually, the way I see it, we have to do it 86.400 seconds. That's how many seconds are in 24 hours. And if we fail in only 1 of those seconds, that could be the relapse. We actually do this one second at a time. Every second we must decide "This second, this moment, I'm good."

 

[96LostWanderer]

28th November 2023

No relapses today. I haven’t felt too bad, just want to get day 1 out of the way.

 

[96LostWanderer]

1st December 2023

No relapses since November 27th. Urges increasing today. I am committed to keeping the blocker function on my phone and not removing it to access NSFW material. After posting this I will go to bed.

 

[96LostWanderer]

3rd December 2023

Still doing well, no relapses to report. Had some urges yesterday evening but rode it out. Feeling more positive today. Need to go out of the house and get some fresh air though.

 

[96LostWanderer]

4th December 2023

One week without porn. Onwards and upwards, let's go.

 

[Blondie]

Nice @96LostWanderer !

 

[96LostWanderer]

5th December 2023

So I relapsed this morning after one week. I had food poisoning and was violently sick last night, which led to tiredness and low mood and taking the day off work. Because I am not busy today and had my phone nearby, urges took control and I started ‘peeking’ which led to a full relapse.

The positive I can take is that 1 week is the best I have managed since August, so it’s progress in the right direction. I’ll keep posting here and let you know how I fare over the rest of the week.

 

[achilles heel]

December 16th 2021

Another SAA member who has been going to meetings for a long time got me thinking about this after I acted out recently. He asked how long it took me to become addicted to porn and how long I've been looking at it. I said a long time, over 10 years. He reminded me that if it took so long, the addiction won't be dealt with overnight. He said relapses and setbacks are part of the process. But he told me to be gentle with myself and do my gratitudes and just have belief. So I'm going to work on being kind to myself, which doesn't come naturally. But beating myself up all the time hasn't worked.

Concerning your relapse I think that your SAA buddy said the right things. You’re still very young and discovered your porn addiction as a problem, which it is. There are millions of men addicted to porn who will never realize their problem, then there are those who realize and consider quitting to be too tough and just accept their addiction as a part of their lives.

We are the very few who actually searched for help and support in a community and only fewer exceptions manage to quit right away. I’ve been here for almost eight years and despite of hundreds of relapses even my two-day-abstinence-“streaks” were a win for myself in terms of life quality. Every day that you don’t use porn is a day won, it’s worth it to keep coming back to this community and promise yourself to not give in to this addiction!

Being sick unfortunately always is a tough situation during early stage of reboot, as there are many healthy alternatives missing (like sports or a walk outside) when heavy urges set in. First of all I hope you get well soon and second you should consider making a plan for the next time you’re home alone sick, because it will happen again at some point. Separating your phone from your bedroom would be my advice (not just while being sick, but for every day in general), although I know how tough it is, because I break this rule too often myself. The omnipresence of cell phones definitely makes it harder to quit and we have to address our cell phone addiction as well during reboot. Search for some analogue fun to keep your mind busy in such situations, I find solving sudoku a good distraction and you get cheap books full of those.

 

[96LostWanderer]

@achilles heel

Thank you for your measured and thoughtful response.

I've managed to avoid relapse so far today, but only just - I put a search term into YouTube that would bring up adult material, then decided to stop and put my phone down. I find that the urge to relapse in the immediate hours and days after another relapse is always strong.

I agree with what you say about streaks. Related to what I said above, I think obsessing too much about streaks means you can get tempted to relapse when you haven't had a long streak as it's somehow not 'worth as much'. I prefer to think about porn-free days. A day without relapse is a win, no matter if it's day 1 or 100.

I also agree about the need for analogue entertainment. I mostly read books or play darts, but perhaps I'll give sudoku a try.