Porn is not an option

[GBS]

Brilliant thread, all of it, but the last day or so is the basis of a book that SHOULD be written. Not enough will read it, but there’s just so much good stuff here and we could skirt by it and forget.
I need to remember pages 39 and 40 of @Blondie ’s thread. The 20 pages before that are pretty good too of course.

 

[Blondie]

Day 343

Thanks @GBS, you're too kind!

I write for myself, but I'm glad it helps others too. There's also been many great comments from others over the last while which has been fun to see!

Best

 

[Blondie]

Rereading through this book of mine this morning, one thing really stood out to me.

"The working paradigm of the Nice Guy is this:

● IF I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be
● THEN I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.

Even when this paradigm is ineffective, Nice Guys only see one alternative: try harder." End of quote.

Why do we do this?

I know this doesn't reflect everyone here at RN, but it defines much of my personality throughout 3/4 of my life, and it all comes from my childhood and my false conceptions of what it meant to be "loved". My family was full of people who were passive and non-confrontational (or extremely confrontational!) and would prefer to just "love" everyone and NOT have any "problems". Thus, a household of everyone "getting along" but no one addressing the real fucking issues. I still see it in my family today, and it's easy to fall back into when going back for the holidays etc.

I was the "perfect" kid who never had any problems whom everyone always loved because he never rocked the boat like the other children. All of this set me up to hide all of my mistakes and never love myself as myself, warts and all.

Thus, I learned to be a pretty good liar and hide my faults

- Porn would never be addressed and my love of women - absolute shame
- My educational struggles would be hidden to all, even my closest friends
- I often found myself in relationships that were going nowhere but I often stayed because I didn't want to be a "bad guy" and break a great girl's heart! Being a good ender is not a strength of mine
-And on and on the shit goes, never really being real and always charming my way through any rough patch because I learned how to play the game real well

Well, enough for now.

Let's keep it real today folks and tell it how it is!

Best everyone!

 

[downhillfromhere]

Damn, Blondie. That pretty much describes a lot of the things I have struggled to pinpoint about my childhood and family life.

I have a tremendous need to perform and create, because I have convinced myself that’s the only way I could be loved by someone. Unfortunately it’s been coupled with crippling anxiety that I will fail, so I never really go for it.

My upbringing was happy but uneventful, I quickly learned to just go with the motions and not make a fuss about anything. Everything was perfect, and there was no need to talk or discuss anything.

I’ve wondered so long what actually was wrong about my childhood, and why visiting my parents seems to wear down the person I am building myself up to be.

This gives me something to think about, thank you.

 

[astralon]

@Blondie I second your recommendation for “no more mr nice guy”. Easy to read and to the point.

Have you read “Iron John: A Book About Men” by any chance? Really helped to form my manhood.

 

[Blondie]

Hi Astralon!

I have read Iron John before and I believe I liked it, however it's been a very long time ago. If I remember correctly, it was more about the mythos of masculinity and its place in ancient societies and how that's lacking in today's world. At the time, I was looking for something different (probably how to talk to girls! ) so I didn't appreciate it like I would now.

Just looking at the summary on Amazon I sense I would be much more open to that type of approach now. Anything mythology is gold.

no more mr nice guy”. Easy to read and to the point.

Yes, what l loved about this book is how practical it is and right to the point, while Iron John is more of a poetical take on masculinity.

Thanks brother!

 

[Blondie]

Damn, Blondie. That pretty much describes a lot of the things I have struggled to pinpoint about my childhood and family life.

Yes the whole book was like that for me - a real eye opener to be sure. Every year or so I reread it just to see how far I've come over these last 10 years. It's great to see that some of it has really taken hold and become a living part of me, while other areas I still need to work on.

This is good. This is life.

I'm glad you got something out of it @downhillfromhere. So much of our problems come from our childhood years and all the false paradigms we filtered the world through. Obviously, when we're grown up, we can't play the blame game anymore, however, we can see what lies we believed in and start and choose to see the world differently. This is an ongoing process, but it does work.

Bless you brother!

 

[SmokenMirrors]

Rereading through this book of mine this morning, one thing really stood out to me.

"The working paradigm of the Nice Guy is this:

● IF I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be
● THEN I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.

Even when this paradigm is ineffective, Nice Guys only see one alternative: try harder." End of quote.

Why do we do this?

I know this doesn't reflect everyone here at RN, but it defines much of my personality throughout 3/4 of my life, and it all comes from my childhood and my false conceptions of what it meant to be "loved". My family was full of people who were passive and non-confrontational (or extremely confrontational!) and would prefer to just "love" everyone and NOT have any "problems". Thus, a household of everyone "getting along" but no one addressing the real fucking issues. I still see it in my family today, and it's easy to fall back into when going back for the holidays etc.

I was the "perfect" kid who never had any problems whom everyone always loved because he never rocked the boat like the other children. All of this set me up to hide all of my mistakes and never love myself as myself, warts and all.

Thus, I learned to be a pretty good liar and hide my faults

- Porn would never be addressed and my love of women - absolute shame
- My educational struggles would be hidden to all, even my closest friends
- I often found myself in relationships that were going nowhere but I often stayed because I didn't want to be a "bad guy" and break a great girl's heart! Being a good ender is not a strength of mine
-And on and on the shit goes, never really being real and always charming my way through any rough patch because I learned how to play the game real well

Well, enough for now.

Let's keep it real today folks and tell it how it is!

Best everyone!

I can really relate to this. Perhaps this is the personality archetype that most likely leads to porn addiction?

 

[WinkTinkTillium]

Im also with many of you that are responding, catching up on the posts from the last few days and reading through the nice guy ident and i now have a lot more to reflect on, not in a bad way but in like a holy crap. We continue to peel back the layers of the onion.

Awesome on your continuing successes (day 343) and thank you for your shares!

 

[Blondie]

Day 344

I can really relate to this. Perhaps this is the personality archetype that most likely leads to porn addiction?

That's a good question @SmokenMirrors, I've often wondered the same thing. It seems to me that many guys here including myself DO have a lot of these "symptoms" when discussing their private lives on RN so it may very well be the case.

Maybe you should check out that book too!

One positive about the book is that is does ask the reader to look at their past but only in a way to carve out a better future and not to indulge in it like some modern philosophies and psychologies do. Looking at the past to figure out the "Why" is okay, but sitting there in a circle crying out that you wish it had been different is kind of pointless if you ask me. If we're past the age of 18 - and most of us are - it's time to stop blaming our parents and take responsibility for our lives.

Best!

@WinkTinkTillium

I'm glad you liked it! Yes there's much to think about and reflect on. However, I've found that a book like this is "easy" to read but to actually incorporate it into your life takes balls and a strong desire for real change. I'm still working on that part!

Best to you!

Ending on a more positive note

Yesterday out of nowhere one of my teeth just starting to hurt like fucking crazy. I think it's one of my old crowns. Looks like I need to head off to the dentist!

Life can be a real bitch sometimes!

Keep killing it everyone!

 

[Blondie]

Saying you want to climb Mount Everest and actually doing it are two entirely different things.
Saying you want to quit porn and actually doing it falls into the same category.

So which one of the two are you? A wisher or a doer?

Now it's true that a doer will still makes mistake as he goes up the mountain, however, he IS moving forward and making progress towards the summit. A wisher however, is still sitting on his couch with two hundred extra pounds on his frame, telling his friends "he will climb it some day" while he watches reruns of Everest on the Discovery channel.

Wearing a North Face jacket does not make one a professional climber.
Showing up to RN and making an account is only the first step on the journey to the mountain.
And sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken

Let's do the work ladies and gentlemen!

 

[GBS]

I love chicken. Just saying

 

[Blondie]

 

[Blondie]

Day 345

An old, wise fish swims past two young fish and asks “How’s the water?” “Fine,” they reply. A minute later one of the young fish asks the other, “What is water?” –Therapy metaphor

When we are constantly surrounded by something, we do not notice it. As an active addict, we often have no idea our behaviors or interactions are inappropriate or outside of the norm. Having constantly been surrounded by our addictive thoughts and energy, we do not realize that other people experience life differently. We typically need someone else to point out our addiction. Sometimes this is a wise mentor who shows us what we are missing. Sometimes this is an angry spouse who throws us out of the "fish tank." Either way, recognizing what we have been oblivious to is one of the first steps to change. What did I not see before because it had always been a part of my addiction? What are others now trying to point out to me that I have ignored or dismissed? What gifts await me as I ask others to help me recognize the subtleties of my addiction?

Stein, Timothy. Gifts of Recovery: Daily Meditations for Men and Women in Recovery from Sex & Porn Addiction (p. 264). Kindle Edition.

 

[WinkTinkTillium]

Watch out Day 365 Blondie is coming for you!!!

Great thoughts for today good sir. I find myself rather enjoying that train of thought. It was my first step to growth realizing the intensity of the blinder. It is frightening in reference to the unkown/past time but freeing at the same time as you are a new block of clay waiting to be reformed.

 

[Blondie]

Thanks Wink!

It is frightening in reference to the unkown/past time but freeing at the same time as you are a new block of clay waiting to be reformed.

That was beautiful.

Have a kick-ass porn-free day!

 

[Paul Blart]

Rereading through this book of mine this morning, one thing really stood out to me.

"The working paradigm of the Nice Guy is this:

● IF I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be
● THEN I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.

Even when this paradigm is ineffective, Nice Guys only see one alternative: try harder." End of quote.

Why do we do this?

I know this doesn't reflect everyone here at RN, but it defines much of my personality throughout 3/4 of my life, and it all comes from my childhood and my false conceptions of what it meant to be "loved". My family was full of people who were passive and non-confrontational (or extremely confrontational!) and would prefer to just "love" everyone and NOT have any "problems". Thus, a household of everyone "getting along" but no one addressing the real fucking issues. I still see it in my family today, and it's easy to fall back into when going back for the holidays etc.

I was the "perfect" kid who never had any problems whom everyone always loved because he never rocked the boat like the other children. All of this set me up to hide all of my mistakes and never love myself as myself, warts and all.

Thus, I learned to be a pretty good liar and hide my faults

- Porn would never be addressed and my love of women - absolute shame
- My educational struggles would be hidden to all, even my closest friends
- I often found myself in relationships that were going nowhere but I often stayed because I didn't want to be a "bad guy" and break a great girl's heart! Being a good ender is not a strength of mine
-And on and on the shit goes, never really being real and always charming my way through any rough patch because I learned how to play the game real well

Well, enough for now.

Let's keep it real today folks and tell it how it is!

Best everyone!

Thanks for sharing this @Blondie . This describes my life to a tee. I'm going to check this book out.

This is the work that I need to keep doing - to understand how my childhood shaped me. Because my parents would tell me now that "they were always there for me, why did I feel like I had to hide from them", and I don't fully know the answer to that yet. I just know that I felt like I couldn't tell them about my faults at all growing up.

 

[Blondie]

Welcome Paul Blart! I see you're new here.

Yes, that book is very relevant for many of us here. Porn is often a surface level problem, that when you honestly take a step back and look into your life, you find many reasons for why we do the things we do. At least for me, figuring out these things is helping me out in the grand scheme of this recover (and my life in general!), more than "just quitting porn". Because if you just quit porn by sheer will power alone but don't actually change the man that thought he needed it, well, when shit hits the fan you might just find yourself back in it again.

Maybe we should start a RN book club concerning this book!

Best brother!

 

[Blondie]

Day 346

Just two weeks away!

"Nice Guys believe they must hide or distract attention from any perceived shortcoming . . .

● If they forget something.
● If they are late.
● If they break something.
● If they don't understand something.
● If they do something wrong.
● If they are depressed.
● If they are in pain.
● If they generally mess up.

The Nice Guy's need to hide is often the most pronounced in areas that are just part of being human and alive.

● That they are sexual.
● That they have bodily functions.
● That they are getting older.
● That they are losing their hair.
● That they have needs.
● That they are imperfect." - Robert Glover



Today I'm going to ask a lot of stupid questions in class.

What beautiful "shortcomings" will you all be practicing today?

 

[GBS]

I have always asked loads of stupid questions throughout my life. So maybe I am not Mr Nice Guy. Wait…….