First PIED sign 15 year ago, depression making this hard.

Scaliac

Member
Hi champs.

Been lurking these kind of forums for three months now. The last couple of days my depression has really got to me, putting me back into old habits such as procrastination and no motivation to do anything at all. Signed up here to hopefully get some supportive suggestions and answers to a couple questions, as well be available to support others. Sorry for the wall of text that is coming, but I'd like to provide some background information and context to my situation. I'll include a TL;DR below.

About me and my background in P and PIED:
I'm a 32 year young male from Scandinavia. Rarely ever PMO'd before I got my own desktop at the age of 14, only MO'd to touch alone up until this. Started watching P irregularly for 3 years, in the span of 2-5 times a week. Noticed first sign of PIED when I got a GF at 17 y'old. I unconsciously quit porn when we got together, and I was able to get hard initially, but it went limp when the condom came on. Looking back at it now I assume I had a mild PIED when we started trying two months into the relationship, and it eventually became performance anxiety due to numerous failed attempts in the one year long relationship. I felt like such a failure when we ended it, which threw me into a raging depression and anxiety. Which I still struggle with to this day. I fell back into PMO, I can't really remember the numbers too well, but up until the age of 24 I didn't binge too much. I could PMO three times a day, and I could go a whole week without. At 24 I had my next failed attempt at PIV. Which shattered my self confidence yet again. The years went, and I had evolved a crippling anxiety of intimacy. I'm a fairly decent looking guy, and on the top of my head I can think of minimum 30 opportunities of intercourse, but I just never dared to go for it always having excuses or just ditched the women, of some which were incredible hot. Last year I had another failed attempt at PIV (even with the use of half a blue pill), and this is when I started asking questions what the hell was wrong with me. So I started looking for answers.

Additional context to my current situation:
I had recently become a developer, so I knew google was my friend and quickly found YBOP. I was honestly laughing my ass off at how every story correlated to how I was feeling and what I had gone through. Without too much research I had a couple attempts which lasted two weeks each. I never took it too serious, and kind of forgot about it. It was too easy for my brain to fall back to old habits. Up until this spring. ( WARNING: TRIGGERING WORDS ) After always having PMO'd to my usual content, cowgurls and orgys, I suddenly fell into tran and bi. I was initially shocked, and was disgusted with myself after every session. After a month of this I remembered having read this on YBOP how one suddenly could turn to more shocking content. I started reading up on ybop and nofap again, but never went for another attempt before August came. I peeked too much the two first weeks at leaked content of celebrities and egirls, but then I met this girl.. Which was both a blessing and a curse. I hadn't fell this hard for a girl since my GF at 17 y'old, so I decided to go for it. Stopped all P and M, and had no O in mind as long as I could manage. After just a couple of days I entered the hyper arousal stage, got raging hardons when driving to work by just thinking of her. Had my first successful PIV the first weekend, two days in a row (with the help of the blue pill, no O). The following week I crashed hard, and I mean really hard. When I decided to go for nofap, I also took the choice of ditching all other artificial stimuli as well, this included cigarettes and weed, SoMe and gaming. I think the first 2-3 weeks of that flatline wasn't just a flatline, I was a full on deathline. I got the usual flatline symptoms such as non-existing libido and completely dead downstairs, but the worst part was the insomnia. I barely got 2 hours of continuous sleep and woke up 4-5 times every night before getting up for work. This made me completely absent, as if there were no one home upstairs. This of course led to it being difficult to make any impression on this girl, and as I was shut down mentally she started to lose interest - since I showed none at all. The blessing of meeting her that I mentioned earlier however, is that before we ended it we did kiss and cuddle a lot. 2 weeks after the flatline my D wasn't shrivled up anymore, and I started getting vivid sex dreams and morning wood (every god damn night). No libido though, I had absolutely no sex drive other than when I woke up to 60% nocturnal/morningwood. This was about a month ago.

Today I still have sexual dreams every other night. To be precise, it's never P dreams, it's mainly sexual dreams about girls I know where I'm a participant, not a spectator. Nocturnal wood every time I occasionally wake up in the middle of the night, and MW every morning. This morning it was at about 70-80%, but with an empty glans (?). I've read that more frequent occurrences of MW is a good sign of recovery, but I can't help but feel that they are a product of my sexual dreams and that it is slowing down my reboot. Because of my lack of sexual experience, I always thought I was one of those that need a long time to reboot. However, I have had absolutely NO urges to watch P the whole journey after meeting that girl. It's like my brain shut down any interest in it - which makes me believe I was never that addicted to it - now I assume I was more addicted to MO as an escape when procrastinating. This along with the constant MW, I somehow see some light in the end of the tunnel that this might not take years to fix. That is, if I manage to follow my plan. After everything I've read, I'm a firm believer that rewiring is very important for me. The plan is to start this process in february/march, all depending on how I feel of course. It might be longer. I also believe that kegel exercises is very beneficial, since it trains muscles that PMO when always sitting or laying down hasn't had the chance to train. I just started doing these. I've also just started meditating, which helps cut off the fantasies that spins up when I wake up with wood. Other habits I'm trying to implement in my daily routine is a healthy diet and exercising - weightlifting three days a week and going for a half hour walk the days I don't lift, as well as picking up learning Spanish again (had two years of it in high school). Unfortunately I don't socialize a lot since most friends of mine are gamers and don't get out a lot...

TL;DR
32 y'o male, irregular watcher of P until first sign of PIED with GF at 17 y'o. Have had devastating depression and anxiety, so virgin until the age of 32 then falling for a girl in the hyper arousal phase two weeks into current nofap streak, successful PIV with ED drugs. Flatlined for 3 weeks, insomnia for 5 weeks, was hit hard due to quitting all artificial stimuli I had going at once - cigaretts&weed, gaming and SoMe - was completely absent as if no one was home upstairs until the insomnia went away. Trying to implement routines of kegel, healthy diet and daily exercise.

This got a little longer than I expected. I guess it was just nice to tell my story to someone, so sorry to those who endured the wall of text but hated every part of it.

I'm currently struggling with my depression and procrastination, which makes it hard to follow up on everything I'm trying to make a part of my daily routines. Days like this is hell, there's just no spark for life, completely monotonous state of mind. Do people have any tips on how to deal with this? Also, if you read my story, do you believe I'm a case that needs a lot of time before having success? I honestly don't know what to think. I find it incredibly easy to abstain from P, and have MW every morning, but due to my lack of experience I feel like I have to wait at least 6 months, if not more, before I start rewiring..
I'm not thinking clear at the moment because of the monotonous state of mind and heavy brain fog, so if anything was unclear or you would like me to elaborate on something please don't hesitate to ask. I sincerely hope we all get through this, keep pushing champs.

All the best
S
 

Scorpio1990

Active Member
Hey man, most of us can definitely relate with how you feel. Don’t feel alone because I’m struggling with the Depression and Insomnia as well. What has helped me is just to stay busy to make days go by and it definitely is hard because you probably feel lack of pleasure. I abstained from PMO like 6 months ago and it had helped with erection quality. I have had sex the past months but suffered prejaculation. I also didn’t feel much enjoyment in the sex either. Recently I had drunk sex with my exgf or gf and it was just like before my pied or flatline. I am so confused about it now because when I was with her I was aroused. I think abstain for awhile and try getting with a girl. At least it might help you. Keep pushing bro
 

Scaliac

Member
Hi @Scorpio1990. Thank you for taking time out of your day to give me some encouraging words. It's really nice to see people who've had success give back to the community on these forums. Great to hear of your recent success! Did you notice any signs of a flatline after O'ing during sex? I've read A LOT of success stories around just to gather information on what worked for people in a similar situation as mine. Even though I lack sexual experience I don't think I'm one of those cases that needs years before achieving a normal erection again since I never actually craved porn, it just became standard procedure to watch each MO since it was so available. As I mentioned in my original post I'm a firm believer that rewiring is of utmost importance. When I had sex those two times with the girl I met a couple months back I couldn't O at all. I did however O once to a handjob, which I now see I forgot to mention. This happened after I felt that my initial flatline was over, and like you I PE'd - it only took 10 seconds with a 70% erection. I got a pretty heavy headache after this, but that went away 2-3 days later. Have you tried kegel exercises? Training the muscles to make you more able to hold back the PE could be huge. I surely will try getting in those exercises daily.
Hope you have ways to overcome the depression those days it hits extra hard. Those days are hell. Keep pushing as well bro.
 

Scorpio1990

Active Member
Hi @Scorpio1990. Thank you for taking time out of your day to give me some encouraging words. It's really nice to see people who've had success give back to the community on these forums. Great to hear of your recent success! Did you notice any signs of a flatline after O'ing during sex? I've read A LOT of success stories around just to gather information on what worked for people in a similar situation as mine. Even though I lack sexual experience I don't think I'm one of those cases that needs years before achieving a normal erection again since I never actually craved porn, it just became standard procedure to watch each MO since it was so available. As I mentioned in my original post I'm a firm believer that rewiring is of utmost importance. When I had sex those two times with the girl I met a couple months back I couldn't O at all. I did however O once to a handjob, which I now see I forgot to mention. This happened after I felt that my initial flatline was over, and like you I PE'd - it only took 10 seconds with a 70% erection. I got a pretty heavy headache after this, but that went away 2-3 days later. Have you tried kegel exercises? Training the muscles to make you more able to hold back the PE could be huge. I surely will try getting in those exercises daily.
Hope you have ways to overcome the depression those days it hits extra hard. Those days are hell. Keep pushing as well bro.
No problem, these forums and this community are definitely a blessing because all of this would of been a mystery to us all. I don’t consider myself a success but I am definitely seeing progress. The fact that I been seen improvements in this past month has been a plus. On Sunday I was waiting for the headaches and withdrawals after the orgasms since I orgasmed four times with lasting sex. So not having withdrawal symptoms is a plus. I have just been confused ever since I won’t lie. I haven’t done kegel exercises or taken any Ed drugs. I was losing hope but having sex with this woman and my ex with success definitely proves abstaining from pmo and mo does help you. The Rewiring thing I am still iffy about but if it does help me improve then I’m all for it. The depression is a constant fight but I’ll keep pushing through. Give yourself time and get away from pmo. Best of luck
 

Scaliac

Member
No problem, these forums and this community are definitely a blessing because all of this would of been a mystery to us all. I don’t consider myself a success but I am definitely seeing progress. The fact that I been seen improvements in this past month has been a plus. On Sunday I was waiting for the headaches and withdrawals after the orgasms since I orgasmed four times with lasting sex. So not having withdrawal symptoms is a plus. I have just been confused ever since I won’t lie. I haven’t done kegel exercises or taken any Ed drugs. I was losing hope but having sex with this woman and my ex with success definitely proves abstaining from pmo and mo does help you. The Rewiring thing I am still iffy about but if it does help me improve then I’m all for it. The depression is a constant fight but I’ll keep pushing through. Give yourself time and get away from pmo. Best of luck
Sounds like you've come a long way from where you started 6 months ago. Glad on your behalf, keep going.
 

Scaliac

Member
Had my first random erection last night after the flatline. Was standing up the whole time. It was weaker than my MW, but I didn't care. Was a bit shocked lol. Also had an 70-80% MW this morning with no erotic dream (that I can recall), still with an empty glans. Depression is mild today, feeling less of the brain fog. Fog has been up and down, so might be shitty again tomorrow. Absolutely no urges. Things are definitely moving in the right direction. Not taking anything for granted though, it will be a long journey. Won't allow myself to rewire for a couple months yet.

In between 60-70 days of no PM, 20 something no O - for those wondering. I don't really keep count on exactly how many days, this is for forever so it doesn't matter to me.
 
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Scorpio1990

Active Member
Had my first random erection last night after the flatline. Was standing up the whole time. It was weaker than my MW, but I didn't care. Was a bit shocked lol. Also had an 70-80% MW this morning with no erotic dream (that I can recall), still with an empty glans. Depression is mild today, feeling less of the brain fog. Fog has been up and down, so might be shitty again tomorrow. Absolutely no urges. Things are definitely moving in the right direction. Not taking anything for granted though, it will be a long journey. Won't allow myself to rewire for a couple months yet.

In between 60-70 days of no PM, 20 something no O - for those wondering. I don't really keep count on exactly how many days, this is for forever so it doesn't matter to me.
Good to hear man, that’s how it is and you just gotta give it time. Another thing to is definitely don’t keep count of the days because it kinda adds more pressure. Just let the months go by and you will feel the changes. Erections got better for me thank god because I super worried I couldn’t have sex again. I remember my penis felt numb and flimsy. Keep pushing bro.
 

Scaliac

Member
Felt less of the brain fog the last couple of days. Still absolutely no urges to relapse. Had some issues with fantasizing when waking up before the alarm goes off with the usual MW. Instead of the groggy lazy morning brain, it is like it goes straight into overdrive when I wake up, with 10 different thoughts at once - a lot of sexual thoughts. There's no urges to touch myself when they show up, but it disappoint me and make me feel guilty when I'm supposed to be going hardmode for everything it's worth.

Feeling some libido in the morning, nothing the rest of the day so that's some progress I guess from having none at all up until this point after the flatline hit.

Depression hit hard today, been moping on the couch binging tv series the whole afternoon after work. Had a small session where I reflected upon the situation, let myself be emotional and shed some tears. Mostly disappointed in myself because I didn't take this serious last year when I found out about the issues of PMO, which eventually led to missing out on the girl of my dreams that ended it between us a month ago. Need to get back on the horse with exercising, been procrastinating the whole week so getting my ass off to the gym tomorrow. Likewise with meditation.

Some inspiring words to all of you, which can probably be quoted from 10 different series and movies; There are no magical fixes. It's all up to us to better ourselves if we want to achieve our goals. It certainly is hard, but nothing in this world worth having comes easy.
Stay strong everyone.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
Welcome @Scaliac
I’m a Woman and a partner, and a big fan of kegel exercises for woman & men.
While they may help with PE, I would definitely recommend them for ED.

Good luck with the journey.
 

GrateClips

Active Member
Hi champs.

Been lurking these kind of forums for three months now. The last couple of days my depression has really got to me, putting me back into old habits such as procrastination and no motivation to do anything at all. Signed up here to hopefully get some supportive suggestions and answers to a couple questions, as well be available to support others. Sorry for the wall of text that is coming, but I'd like to provide some background information and context to my situation. I'll include a TL;DR below.

About me and my background in P and PIED:
I'm a 32 year young male from Scandinavia. Rarely ever PMO'd before I got my own desktop at the age of 14, only MO'd to touch alone up until this. Started watching P irregularly for 3 years, in the span of 2-5 times a week. Noticed first sign of PIED when I got a GF at 17 y'old. I unconsciously quit porn when we got together, and I was able to get hard initially, but it went limp when the condom came on. Looking back at it now I assume I had a mild PIED when we started trying two months into the relationship, and it eventually became performance anxiety due to numerous failed attempts in the one year long relationship. I felt like such a failure when we ended it, which threw me into a raging depression and anxiety. Which I still struggle with to this day. I fell back into PMO, I can't really remember the numbers too well, but up until the age of 24 I didn't binge too much. I could PMO three times a day, and I could go a whole week without. At 24 I had my next failed attempt at PIV. Which shattered my self confidence yet again. The years went, and I had evolved a crippling anxiety of intimacy. I'm a fairly decent looking guy, and on the top of my head I can think of minimum 30 opportunities of intercourse, but I just never dared to go for it always having excuses or just ditched the women, of some which were incredible hot. Last year I had another failed attempt at PIV (even with the use of half a blue pill), and this is when I started asking questions what the hell was wrong with me. So I started looking for answers.

Additional context to my current situation:
I had recently become a developer, so I knew google was my friend and quickly found YBOP. I was honestly laughing my ass off at how every story correlated to how I was feeling and what I had gone through. Without too much research I had a couple attempts which lasted two weeks each. I never took it too serious, and kind of forgot about it. It was too easy for my brain to fall back to old habits. Up until this spring. ( WARNING: TRIGGERING WORDS ) After always having PMO'd to my usual content, cowgurls and orgys, I suddenly fell into tran and bi. I was initially shocked, and was disgusted with myself after every session. After a month of this I remembered having read this on YBOP how one suddenly could turn to more shocking content. I started reading up on ybop and nofap again, but never went for another attempt before August came. I peeked too much the two first weeks at leaked content of celebrities and egirls, but then I met this girl.. Which was both a blessing and a curse. I hadn't fell this hard for a girl since my GF at 17 y'old, so I decided to go for it. Stopped all P and M, and had no O in mind as long as I could manage. After just a couple of days I entered the hyper arousal stage, got raging hardons when driving to work by just thinking of her. Had my first successful PIV the first weekend, two days in a row (with the help of the blue pill, no O). The following week I crashed hard, and I mean really hard. When I decided to go for nofap, I also took the choice of ditching all other artificial stimuli as well, this included cigarettes and weed, SoMe and gaming. I think the first 2-3 weeks of that flatline wasn't just a flatline, I was a full on deathline. I got the usual flatline symptoms such as non-existing libido and completely dead downstairs, but the worst part was the insomnia. I barely got 2 hours of continuous sleep and woke up 4-5 times every night before getting up for work. This made me completely absent, as if there were no one home upstairs. This of course led to it being difficult to make any impression on this girl, and as I was shut down mentally she started to lose interest - since I showed none at all. The blessing of meeting her that I mentioned earlier however, is that before we ended it we did kiss and cuddle a lot. 2 weeks after the flatline my D wasn't shrivled up anymore, and I started getting vivid sex dreams and morning wood (every god damn night). No libido though, I had absolutely no sex drive other than when I woke up to 60% nocturnal/morningwood. This was about a month ago.

Today I still have sexual dreams every other night. To be precise, it's never P dreams, it's mainly sexual dreams about girls I know where I'm a participant, not a spectator. Nocturnal wood every time I occasionally wake up in the middle of the night, and MW every morning. This morning it was at about 70-80%, but with an empty glans (?). I've read that more frequent occurrences of MW is a good sign of recovery, but I can't help but feel that they are a product of my sexual dreams and that it is slowing down my reboot. Because of my lack of sexual experience, I always thought I was one of those that need a long time to reboot. However, I have had absolutely NO urges to watch P the whole journey after meeting that girl. It's like my brain shut down any interest in it - which makes me believe I was never that addicted to it - now I assume I was more addicted to MO as an escape when procrastinating. This along with the constant MW, I somehow see some light in the end of the tunnel that this might not take years to fix. That is, if I manage to follow my plan. After everything I've read, I'm a firm believer that rewiring is very important for me. The plan is to start this process in february/march, all depending on how I feel of course. It might be longer. I also believe that kegel exercises is very beneficial, since it trains muscles that PMO when always sitting or laying down hasn't had the chance to train. I just started doing these. I've also just started meditating, which helps cut off the fantasies that spins up when I wake up with wood. Other habits I'm trying to implement in my daily routine is a healthy diet and exercising - weightlifting three days a week and going for a half hour walk the days I don't lift, as well as picking up learning Spanish again (had two years of it in high school). Unfortunately I don't socialize a lot since most friends of mine are gamers and don't get out a lot...

TL;DR
32 y'o male, irregular watcher of P until first sign of PIED with GF at 17 y'o. Have had devastating depression and anxiety, so virgin until the age of 32 then falling for a girl in the hyper arousal phase two weeks into current nofap streak, successful PIV with ED drugs. Flatlined for 3 weeks, insomnia for 5 weeks, was hit hard due to quitting all artificial stimuli I had going at once - cigaretts&weed, gaming and SoMe - was completely absent as if no one was home upstairs until the insomnia went away. Trying to implement routines of kegel, healthy diet and daily exercise.

This got a little longer than I expected. I guess it was just nice to tell my story to someone, so sorry to those who endured the wall of text but hated every part of it.

I'm currently struggling with my depression and procrastination, which makes it hard to follow up on everything I'm trying to make a part of my daily routines. Days like this is hell, there's just no spark for life, completely monotonous state of mind. Do people have any tips on how to deal with this? Also, if you read my story, do you believe I'm a case that needs a lot of time before having success? I honestly don't know what to think. I find it incredibly easy to abstain from P, and have MW every morning, but due to my lack of experience I feel like I have to wait at least 6 months, if not more, before I start rewiring..
I'm not thinking clear at the moment because of the monotonous state of mind and heavy brain fog, so if anything was unclear or you would like me to elaborate on something please don't hesitate to ask. I sincerely hope we all get through this, keep pushing champs.

All the best
S
thaks for sharing. i think sharing is often a good first step of mental healing. i think a lot of ED is brain derived. Confidence is huge in this type of thing.
have you ever had counseling about your anxieties with women and whatnot?

or at least really opened up about this with another human?
 

Scaliac

Member
thaks for sharing. i think sharing is often a good first step of mental healing. i think a lot of ED is brain derived. Confidence is huge in this type of thing.
have you ever had counseling about your anxieties with women and whatnot?

or at least really opened up about this with another human?
I haven't no, I am however considering a psychologist at the moment. Mostly for dealing with my depression since it's been quite bad the past few weeks now. I have opened up about my problems to two friends, which both thankfully took it very well and is encouraging me to get through this.
 

Scaliac

Member
Hung out with a girl I know fancy me a bit last night. Got a bit drunk from the 3 bottles of wine we drank. She have known for a while that I have been going through something, so I opened up about it to her, telling her of both my struggles with PIED and depression. She was very understanding, and I think she appreciated how honest and freely I spoke about it. Long story short I ended up staying the night and after fooling around for some time we had sex (I didn't O though, intentionally). My erection was far from full, but good enough to have PIV in missionary. Round two when we woke up my erection was stronger but still far from full. I think just being in the moment and not worrying about if I was gonna be able to please her or not was key to this success. Kinda shocked that it worked out so well, definitely seing good progress.

Morning woods have been a bit stronger lately, I'd say the shaft is at 80-90% stiffness, but still having a soft gland. Seeing the doctor about this tomorrow.

I'm not quite sure how to move forward. If I keep it up with this girl, should I still withhold O's... I'm afraid to be thrown back into a flatline if I O.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
I think just being in the moment and not worrying about if I was gonna be able to please her or not was key to this success.
I think this is a huge part of recovering from PIED, being in the moment, staying present, enjoying the pleasure without focusing on performance or ‘O’.
I look forward to seeing how things develop on your journey😊
 

Nico

Active Member
Hi, I just read through your journal and can relate, and appreciate your honesty and willingness to change. The fear of sex and the shame of not performing can be crippling, so it is lovely to read that you are going for it and had some success with this woman, after opening up to her. That is brave, and I believe that helps, it takes that pressure to perform and shame out of it to some extent. I have done this as well, and also find that pleasuring her before sex also relieves some of that fear of not satisfying her. All we can do is get honest, and stay off porn a day at a time. I hope it continues to improve for you :)
 
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