Finally sick and tired of being sick and tired

SajithKR

Member
Day 34: No porn. It is great, but I think I have become more angry and frustrated. The issue is that I was using PMO as a stress buster and am wired to it. Now I am seeing other movies to distract my mind, but that is draining me as I have to see 2 movies in a row. PMO thoughts are less, but the stress buildup is more. I need to find other healthy stress busters. These other movies will make my rewiring slow and I could go back to old ways easily. I know that I could fall back easily. I started the re-boot attempts 4.5 years back and had even gone free for 6+ months, then 100+ days, 30+ days and then struggling with 5-10days. Now it is back to 30+ days. This time I don't want to fall back even if it is stressful. I can win if I get a good stress buster.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
I'm finally beginning to understand that this is a lifestyle. Every day it's a choice of good and bad. Darkness and light. Happiness or loneliness. My best self or the version of me that will never reach his full potential. Every day I have the choice to pmo. However, I also have the choice to say no. I have the chance to think about those lonely nights after a session when I felt my lowest. Instead, I can choose to workout, pray, meditate, help my friends, read, do things that make me happy. I can choose life, light and so much freedom.
We can all choose freedom if we want it. Have a good day, everyone. 1 week down. A lifetime to go.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Just wanted to warn you all, last night I went on YouTube and searched "Gary Wilson porn interview". I wanted some insight and to see what they had on there to help. As I got to the bottom of the page, I saw some thumbnails that looked like YouTube porn. Yes, YouTube porn. I quickly got out of there and felt so frustrated that even YouTube would go down that road with content. Almost nowhere is safe anymore. So please know that that stuff is out there. Hope everyone has a great day. Stay vigilant and porn free.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Feel like I'm in a flatline. No urges to pmo. Not even any urges to MO. My mind doesn't even wanna go there or have any type of fantasy. It's like someone pulled the plug. My instrument is just there. It's not doing anything. Got a bit of a random erection this morning but it quickly subsided and I've had no desire for anything sexual. It's good, but it just feels odd. I just feel crummy. No energy, no motivation. I'm working out daily, but it's not doing much. I had a flashback last night, but my mind just discounted it and it went away. Thank you to everyone who continues to support me here. I'll feel better in time.
 

SajithKR

Member
Just wanted to warn you all, last night I went on YouTube and searched "Gary Wilson porn interview". I wanted some insight and to see what they had on there to help. As I got to the bottom of the page, I saw some thumbnails that looked like YouTube porn. Yes, YouTube porn. I quickly got out of there and felt so frustrated that even YouTube would go down that road with content. Almost nowhere is safe anymore. So please know that that stuff is out there. Hope everyone has a great day. Stay vigilant and porn free.
Yes YouTube is also not safe. That is what broke my 6+months stretch. My mind fooled me into thinking that as long as it was not some hard-core website, I was doing good and there was nothing wrong with watching erotic movies. Yes I was a fool and it eventually led me to land up on hard-core sites. Then I was fooled to think that as long as it is once in a while, it is ok. I realised that it is not ok.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Day 12. Had good morning wood this morning but now it's shrunk down to being really small. I feel a lot better then I did for most of this last week. From last Monday to yesterday I felt no joy or interest in anything at all. Think I'm coming out of a small flatline.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Day 13. Feeling deep emotions today. Not depressed Feelings, it's a good feeling. Like a feeling of gratitude. Mind is more clear. Feeling very calm. Still no sexual desire. No desire for porn, fantasy, girls or anything of that nature. Got a random erection this morning, but it didn't stay around for long. Seeing positive results mentally and emotionally. I began working out again last night and it made me feel better as well. I can't believe tomorrow marks 2 weeks for me...again lol. I keep coming back. I keep trying. At this point, pmo will never again be an option. I've been there and I've done that and it's empty. What I feel today, this emotion is beautiful. I've not felt it in a long time. Definitely coming out of the dark. Love you all.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
I had a relapse last night. I'm really sorry everyone. Almost got to 14 days. At this point, I'm just confused. I'm gonna take some time away from the forum to form some better habits and get a good streak going. Thank you all for continuing to support me. I'll be back soon.
It's okay man, it happens. Take some time off, just don't go and binge watch porn, whatever you do stay away from it champ, see you soon.
Sending love.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Good to hear @FreedomFromTheStruggle_11.

Recovery is about streaks, but it's not about streaks. Recovery is about loving yourself, but also loving your best disciplined self. Recovery is about seeking the higher man and not the lower man, while realizing you're still just a man. Recovery is not about counting up all the days, it's about counting up all the good days.

You're not your streak, but you are your streak.

Everyone here is hoping to get to The Streak. But until then, enjoy every streak you have and even the "bad" days in between, because there is something you can learn from it all.

And remember, unlike alcohol and drugs, sex is something the body needs. I don't say that as in excuse, but you're a young buck, so keep that in mind. Yes there is your addicted brain, but there also just your brain that's wired to have sex. Be patient with yourself and love yourself.

Bless you man.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Good to hear @FreedomFromTheStruggle_11.

Recovery is about streaks, but it's not about streaks. Recovery is about loving yourself, but also loving your best disciplined self. Recovery is about seeking the higher man and not the lower man, while realizing you're still just a man. Recovery is not about counting up all the days, it's about counting up all the good days.

You're not your streak, but you are your streak.

Everyone here is hoping to get to The Streak. But until then, enjoy every streak you have and even the "bad" days in between, because there is something you can learn from it all.

And remember, unlike alcohol and drugs, sex is something the body needs. I don't say that as in excuse, but you're a young buck, so keep that in mind. Yes there is your addicted brain, but there also just your brain that's wired to have sex. Be patient with yourself and love yourself.

Bless you man.
Thank you so much man. This means so much.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Big victory tonight. I got through a huge urge. Probably the biggest urge that I've had in months. I let it give me all that it had and just did my normal activities and eventually it left me. The urge only had power over me if I gave it that power. So proud of myself tonight. Self confidence booster.
 

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
I had another slip late last night. Day 1.
I've already changed my room around. Making my environment different from what I'm used to when I relapse. I've told my friends that I slipped up and that I'm gonna make a lot of changes this time personally to never do this again. The shame cycle is out. Nothing I can do now but move forward, be committed and be better. I was up until 2am reading the your brain on porn website, watching Gabe's videos and Gary's videos. I also read some success stories on the site. I have to change as a person in order to change the results that I'm getting. Porn controls me. My urges control me. Until I get control back of those 2 things. I'll never see victory.
From today forward: No porn. No Porn fantasy. No MO. I don't want ED. I don't want to hurt someone in the future because of this. Also, my slips are becoming more frequent and days apart. It's eventually going to turn into a nightly thing again and I don't want that. This doesn't define me or the person I will become once this is out of my life.
 
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