Coding the Mind

[iwander]

Keep up the good work! I think it's nice that you put thoughts in understanding reasons of your addiction. By the way what book are you reading, just curious?

Honestly, I have no clue how to create meaning in my life: true meaning

Well that's what we all trying figure out for ourself. I heard that the meaning of life is to be happy, but how to do it is something we can only wonder and answer to ourself

 

[Androg]

Let your “meaning “be to get your mind back in balance, so you have the clarity to hear what your life’s purpose is. First things first.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Keep up the good work! I think it's nice that you put thoughts in understanding reasons of your addiction. By the way what book are you reading, just curious?

Well that's what we all trying figure out for ourself. I heard that the meaning of life is to be happy, but how to do it is something we can only wonder and answer to ourself

Thanks for the comment. Yes that is a very internal thing to figure out.

The book is called Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence!

 

[CodeTheMind]

Let your “meaning “be to get your mind back in balance, so you have the clarity to hear what your life’s purpose is. First things first.

Thanks! I will focus on that indeed.

There is a quote from a poem of a poet that I really like: Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit. I happen to disagree with this quote actually. There are trees without blossoms or fruit that are still beautiful. Some trees actually fulfil interesting functions in relation to their environment. I don't know if life is always about seeking to be passionate about something or someone. That can be overbearing! Is seeking ecstasy always good for the spirit? Is lacking love a cause of despair or ugliness? I think not.
I shouldn't force myself to find higher meaning in my every day life. In this world there is so much pressure for a higher purpose, a higher use of ourselves for this society, a higher connection to our story and its heroic journey. But in my lacking higher meaning I find freedom, understanding, acceptance.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 1 public commitment side goals:

• Workout (needed some rest after a week of full workout).
• Relaxation walk/Run
• Cold shower
• Journal
• Meditation
• Visualization
• Strategy
• Clean my room
• Read
• Freedom from distractions: 75% free.
• Healthy sleep the day before:
• Healthy diet
• Gratitude

Busier day than usual!

 

[CodeTheMind]

Quick update. I relapsed again to cam sex. At this point I find it both concerning and hilarious. Why? Because it was so mechanical. During the time I betrayed my recovery it was as if my control was completely taken over by a puppeteer. It cannot be that all the work I am doing to solve this is a lie, it cannot be that I don't want to quit, because by all means I want to. I am consciously aware and I reason quite excellently that I want to quit, there is clearly a problem with my subconscious mind here. This mechanical self took over. The primitive animal self.

I will have the best day of the month tomorrow, I will seek to achieve that in all areas. And when it comes to addiction well, I don't know how to deal with that mechanical take over. It is not like I can chain myself to a wall, believe me I would. Sure, having all the means to relapse is not making things easier. Ok, I wont become desperate.

Most positive thing about this is that I am not an emotional wreck, I am feeling alright and know that tomorrow I will have so much will to fight.

Please don't feel sorry for me. I will own to my mistake. What I will not do is stop fighting or go ghost mode. But I fear I might be developing the following pattern: I relapse, I write a journal entry to purify myself, I relapse, I write a journal entry to purify myself, I relapse, and so on. I hope I am not unconsciously using this as a balancing tool. Oh well, it seems that has been happening, unconsciously. I have not of course lied consciously, but maybe I have lied unconsciously.

This thing is difficult to solve, a very strange puzzle. Besides, this is such a stupid addiction. I WILL FIGHT. I WILL WIN. I WILL SEARCH DEEP DOWN FOR LIGHT. And I will find it.

Things are fine. I have never felt this united with myself, never. This is all part of the process.

 

[Daybyday1988]

it cannot be that I don't want to quit, because by all means I want to.

thats right, i think we all want to quit at least at some point or another. the problem is that from the addiction, the prefrontal cortex is weak, thus you cant say "no" to the craving. this is where removing the access to P is crucial. you can do this most effectively via destroying your internet capable devices. however, since modern life seems to all but require internet access for work, school etc. I would suggest paying for a good blocking software. Your journal is from november of last year, so its been a few months of grinding it out and If youve been struggling with this and want freedom maybe give the blocking software a try. You want to quit but simply can't stop, ive been there for many years before i got the blocking software and accountability partner. Now im 4 months clean praise God.

And when it comes to addiction well, I don't know how to deal with that mechanical take over.

We all know how that goes man. Its like you go into zombie mode and barely are even able to think about whether or not you should be doing this. you just lock the door, lay in your bed on your phone and before you know it, its been 2 hours and youre looking for your box of kleenex. you finish and feel all the shame, guilt, regret start to creep in and cant help but feel like garbage.

 

[CodeTheMind]

thats right, i think we all want to quit at least at some point or another. the problem is that from the addiction, the prefrontal cortex is weak, thus you cant say "no" to the craving. this is where removing the access to P is crucial. you can do this most effectively via destroying your internet capable devices. however, since modern life seems to all but require internet access for work, school etc. I would suggest paying for a good blocking software. Your journal is from november of last year, so its been a few months of grinding it out and If youve been struggling with this and want freedom maybe give the blocking software a try. You want to quit but simply can't stop, ive been there for many years before i got the blocking software and accountability partner. Now im 4 months clean praise God.



We all know how that goes man. Its like you go into zombie mode and barely are even able to think about whether or not you should be doing this. you just lock the door, lay in your bed on your phone and before you know it, its been 2 hours and youre looking for your box of kleenex. you finish and feel all the shame, guilt, regret start to creep in and cant help but feel like garbage.

I will look for a blocking software. I will need to find one that blocks camsex sites, not just regular porn sites. Thanks for the suggestion.

In a way it is important to know that no one is alone in this addiction. Knowing others have gone through the same or similar situation helps to not feel alienated from society. Back then when I was younger, a teen, I would feel so ashamed that I couldn't even talk with anyone about this, so it is good to normalize addiction as a way for the addict to reach out for help. In this century addiction is normal, there are thousands of addictions, some more dangerous than others, but addictions still.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 1

I am getting tired of writing day 1 all the time Lets use that as a motivation!

As usual the day is going well, I have successfully reduced my addiction relapse time to the nights. Before, there was a 24 hour daily risk of relapsing, any time of the day. Now, the danger has backed to the corners of the night. At nights is when I feel more lonely and tired, and I simply have nothing to do, so mechanically I seek out pleasure.

There is a quote from the book I am reading, I identify with this situation:

Writer Eric J. Ianelli briefly alluded to his own history of addiction as follows:

Years ago, in what now seems like another life, a friend said to me, "Your entire existence can be reduced to a three-part cycle. One: Get fucked up. Two: Fuck up. Three: Damage control." We hadn't known each other very long, probably two months at most, and yet he had already witnessed enough of my regular blackout drinking, just one of the most obvious manifestations of addiction's self-perpetuating vortex, to have got my number. With a wry smile, he went on to hypothesize more generally -and, I suspect, only half-jokingly- that addicts are bored or frustrated problem-solvers who instinctively contrive Houdini-like situations from which to disentangle themselves when no other challenge happens to present itself. The drug becomes the reward when they succeed and the consolation prize when they fail.

What if there is some truth in that hypothesis?
Maybe I fail at nights because there is no longer any challenge for me to solve. There is nothing keeping me interested. Or keeping me companionship. And I prefer the problem instead of the easiest solution which would be to go to sleep earlier and secure energy for the challenges of the following day. Maybe I need some special project to occupy my nights, when I cannot sleep, one that doesn't involves relapsing. I would read more, or maybe try to write some fiction (regardless if it is good or bad literature), or start some sort of crafting hobby (there are many options here, I have no idea so I would have to start from scratch).

Good. I will turn miserable nights into happier nights. Tonight I begin.

 

[Daybyday1988]

I will need to find one that blocks camsex sites, not just regular porn sites

you can block any sites you want with Covenant Eyes, simply put them into your blocked site list and give your accountability partner control over those sites so you cant just go unblock them when your having a craving.

 

[Brutus]

I will look for a blocking software. I will need to find one that blocks camsex sites, not just regular porn sites.

Cold Turkey works well for me. You can set timers that block websites or internet access when you're most tempted, like at night. While it's blocking a website, the program can't be turned off or uninstalled which made a huge difference for me. It's a one time purchase of 40$ but I think its totally worth the money.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Thanks guys I will take a good look at both software.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 2

Alright I made it through yesterday and today I simply need to do the same. I just can't lower my guard. I have a good feeling about this new opportunity I am giving myself for recovery, and at the same time I will be very careful.

I am a bit sick after some chaotic weather change here where I live, so my productivity will be put to the test, I will however use my time and energy only in what is good for my health and overall recovery from addiction.

I welcome the challenges.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 1

Day two was unsuccessful. My mild sickness made things difficult, not being able to do anything was hard. That is no excuse, because I should know better by now.

What I find strange is that an idea appeared in my mind about lying in my journal, and to myself. I could simply pretend nothing happened, I told myself. Or I could take a few days break and come back once I reach seven days, I also thought. I identify those thoughts as denial mechanisms. I want so much to be back to where I was that I have find it difficult to have landed on this contentious ground. Gladly I decided to be honest about all of this and to continue with my daily journal.

My life depends so much on my recovery that I think I freeze when I become conscious of that. I am scared that if I failed before I will fail again. I think of myself as a wounded bird that is trying to fly again but recoils at the remembrances of its previous failures. But just as I can get used to failing I can get used to succeeding. Consistency builds strength. I have experienced the bright side of things before, so I know for a fact that what I am writing is true. Each successful step increases confidence about the next one.

I will proceed. This simple grain of sand that is day one will be the first of many to come. Regardless of the constant failure I have experienced during this past seven days I do think that I have made a lot of internal progress, addressing many key psychological and emotional challenges that I was ignoring. Therefore I do trust in my imminent recovery because I am putting a lot of work in seeing that day arrive. And although that doesn't guarantees my success it does tells me that I am going through the right path.

I think a problem I faced was not valuing these days as much as I valued them on my past 20 something days recovery. I had lost the appreciation of the days as having their own intrinsic value. Honestly, I had forgotten about that. But now that I remember it I will quite strong about this recovery. Without conciliation with my own days there is no way I could move on. Day 1, I value and appreciate you, I welcome the lessons and experiences you provide for me.

 

[Daybyday1988]

We are here for you bro,

i gotta tell you in my experience and the data show the prefrontal Cortex in us addicts is too weak at first. It is imperative that you remove even the option to use through destroying your devices, or getting accountability/blocking software.

Like you, i told myself I would stop using. I Would go a week, maybe two if I was lucky then use again, and on and on the cycle would go. I did that for over 13 years. Don't be like me.

 

[iwander]

Gladly I decided to be honest about all of this and to continue with my daily journal.

I agree, being honest is an important act during rebooting. Not to pretend to ourselves that we have problem or when we do something that causes problem, pretending it is not there etc. Actually researches show that too, that people that quit addictions changed how brain functions and part that responsible for honesty engaged more actively.
Good thing on staying positive on your path!

 

[CodeTheMind]

Thanks @Daybyday1988 and @iwander.

Yes, both restricting our access to the addiction and being honest are incredible tools for an eventual successful recovery.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 2

I am glad that I remembered how important it is for me to be able to value each day, however small or insignificant some days might seem to the ego. In this task of valuing my days I find more significance and experience than I would otherwise. And it helps me to go through the difficulties that might arise, maintaining a necessary focus.

I am doing better. My productivity levels remain high, or as high as they can be for someone in recovery. Still working on pushing myself to my better version, seeing some results.

I finished reading Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence. I got a lot of interesting and useful tools out of this book, some of which we have been discussing here in the journal: the research backed importance of honesty, the good side of exposure to pain, prosocial shame, and other concepts that have provided me with a more solid basis of understanding.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 0

Another unsuccessful day last night. Today is going well, I am basically at a 50/50 rate, which isn't really doing any good. With this pattern of one good day and one bad day I am going crazy, basically feeling like I have a double life.

Well I have made the decision to buy a porn blocking software and I just bought it, I took my time because I didn't know which to choose, there are over 50 sites (some really expensive), but the one I got is working great and I don't have the password (gave it to a family member) so great. Thanks for insisting on this, I think it will be great for me.

 

[Androg]

Good luck. Ditching porn and retraining your brain can be like riding a bucking bronco. Keep trying different things until you see progress.