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Seeing a lawyer on Wednesday, that’s a first. I’m very stressed and want to use this as a time to stay focused and not act out. Have read about IFS therapy and am benefitting by seeing myself as having different parts, like I’m talking directly to the part of me that is distressed and craves...

Had a few days up and acted out this morning. But feeling much better about giving in another good try. When I get a sense of what porn does to my anxiety and mental health I get focused again.

Porn can make me loose so much hope. I can do a lot of mitigating stuff that helps a bit but it always ends up deeply affecting me in a negative way, more anxious, depressed, a sense of powerlessness, isolation, loss of opportunity, loss of trust.

I feel like I was coping with porn use for a while but now it’s taking a toll. That’s what makes me an addict, I can use normally for a bit but eventually my mental health gets affected and I get a bit depressed and feel powerless to control things. I hope I get it this time.

Feeling reflective today, more self aware. I have lost a lot of my rhythm with things lately. In a better place, heading out of town soon to clear my head.

I think I’m going to take some leave and try to sort some things out. There is a lot going on right now and I need some time to process things.

Great to have a break from work, in recovery mode right now but will get active done. Need to get my zip back

I may take some stress leave. Things have been challenging lately and my brain needs a few tweaks.

Home in a few days. It’s tough going at the moment, Autism has many challenges, work is complex right now.

Exhausted, a challenging time at work but it will pass. Can’t wait to get home. Had an issue at work as a drill leader, more than anxiety I think it was a type trauma response, dealing with a lot of that lately.

Home soon, clean about half the time over the last month. Learning and hoping for better recovery. Understanding about past trauma.

Trying to improve my journaling, writing to myself helps me to consolidate things

Feeling ok today, lots of compulsions but I’m holding up. I’m home in just over a week and can’t wait.

Clean today, Glad for it. Still very tired and primed for a good sleep. Realising how much I have identified with my trauma. Interesting realisation.

Wiped out and stressed. Tough environment for recovery. Setting the goal of a four day streak. It’s important to get some clean time.

Feeling better today, back into an exercise routine. Things are calming down at work and I’ll be better with the new crew onboard today. I hate how porn affects me slowly and subtly, I want my mind back.

Life is strange. Feeling change do often. Work is tough for autistic people like me sometimes, people are complex. Relapsed but am feeling better about recovery. Need to keep growing and learning. I think I’ve been clean for 10 of the last 18 days

Struggling today. I need to send work an email about it. This is a thing where they forget I’m autistic. I hate this, I work so hard to do well and fit in and then they forget I have my weaknesses. I don’t want to be the disability guy.

4 days clean Work is very taxing right now, adjusting to change, need to communicate a few things to help me out. Hopefully I can get through the week clean.

3 days clean Feeling better today, The last 3 days have been tense as I’ve had to adjust to changes at work. I’m in a really good place now with it though. It nice when things are in harmony. I love when I’m clean.