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  1. O

    Depressed and desperate, help

    I don't think you've ruined yourself forever. Apparently the brain has amazing self-healing properties, we just need to stop blasting it with super-normal stimulus.
  2. O

    Crossing the river

    Teşekkürler @darktime . Size şans diliyorum!
  3. O

    Crossing the river

    Thanks @Chris1986 for the support. I've lost my mental clarity about why I want to try living a different way. I think part of why I use P is I want to feel normal in my freakiness. But that feeling of fitting in evaporates when I O. It's like someone who says they are your friend but snubs you...
  4. O

    Crossing the river

    PMO Reset. Alas. Twice! That makes this day 2. Will start putting my day count at the bottom rather than the top because it's a little demoralising sometimes. My plan is to not give myself a hard time about this slip, but to definitely not let it turn into a long wallow in the mud.
  5. O

    Crossing the river

    Day 39 no P/Day 1 no MO Didn't really want to MO last night but I really didn't think the urge would pass so I took the lesser of two options.
  6. O

    Crossing the river

    Thanks @Chris1986, I think reflection is an important practice that I will aim to do more of. I was setting aside 15 minutes a day for a while there to just sit and think about how life is going. I think I need to trust my ability to make sense of life and course-correct. I often don't want to...
  7. O

    Crossing the river

    37/15 I'm unfocused at the moment. I think this is where I need to remind myself that this is a marathon not a sprint. I want everything to be easy. I'm scared of focusing on the wrong things so I spread myself thin. I'm entitled, like society/the world owes me success. I'm going to do some...
  8. O

    Crossing the river

    35/13 I woke up too early yesterday and was cranky and hard-headed all day. Got a bit more rest overnight. Plan to exercise this morning before I go get a covid booster. Some urges last night and considered MOing but chose not to.
  9. O

    Crossing the river

    Day 34 no P. Day 12 no MO. Triggered last night walking home late. Literally considered playing with myself as I walked home. Made some calls to people I know on the other side of the world from 12 step groups. Was helpful. I feel on the outer of those groups, I feel like a dissenting voice. A...
  10. O

    Crossing the river

    Day 33 no P. Day 11 no MO. Doing fine.
  11. O

    Crossing the river

    Day 32 no P/Day 10 no MO Thanks @STST !! I had a dream I relapsed last night. Thankfully just a dream. I spent some time yesterday preparing to delete the email address I associate with acting out. It was tied to my phone so I've gone through and cut that tie. I'll delete the address today. I...
  12. O

    Crossing the river

    Day 31 no P/day 9 no MO That makes it🎉30 days porn-free! The first time I've had that since the age of 13!! Thanks to everyone on here, I feel like my mindset and this journal are the two biggest tools I have to stay porn-free at the moment. I especially appreciate everyone who posted in this...
  13. O

    Crossing the river

    Day 30 no P/Day 8 no MO Tomorrow is a milestone. I can't remember who I was reading but they were discussing being a philosopher. They said that a philosopher knew what the future held to a degree. That is, some things are basically guaranteed: work, sickness, celebration, tedium, levity...
  14. O

    Crossing the river

    Day 29 no P/Day 7 no MO I think of the saying: people overestimate what they can do in the short-term and underestimate what they can do in the long term. Just paddling through doing some tech stuff yesterday and today, getting ready for a new position that might come through. My current work...
  15. O

    Crossing the river

    @Beautiful1973 *dips paddle into water, scoops back, pulls paddle out and reaches forward: canoe continues its glide across the water* Day 27 no P/Day 5 no MO Up early again. I did nothing of those things I posted about yesterday. I'm feeling quite sore but I'll try and do resistance training...
  16. O

    Making some big changes

    Well done on that important step!
  17. O

    Crossing the river

    Day 26 no P Day 4 no M/O Off to work this morning. Feeling well. No major urges. Really very thankful for this forum. Appreciate the encouragement to start a journal here also. Plan to run tonight after the sun goes down. Will try and go to a Zen group on zoom tonight also.
  18. O

    Crossing the river

    Thanks STST, appreciate it. I haven't been packing my days but I have been doing more. Between exercise, reading, writing, programming and journaling I've been filling days up. Day 25 porn free. Doing fine. Up early again this morning which I love. Got some miscellaneous organisational stuff...
  19. O

    Crossing the river

    Day 24 of no P Busy day yesterday, no time to post. Back to quiet normality. MOing really messed with my energy, mainly by depleting it. Hopefully I can recall how drained I feel and not do it again. I mentioned the opponent process theory (from the book I'm reading) in an earlier post. Maybe...
  20. O

    Crossing the river

    (trigger warning) Day 22 of no P. I MO'd last night for the first time this reboot. I didn't use P. I didn't use P fantasies. It felt alright, but I was a bit disappointed afterwards. I slept in this morning until midday, absolutely wrecked and unable to get out of bed. I put it down to MOing...
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