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  1. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    Yeah I see what you guys are saying. I've wavered back and forth, to be honest. At the end of the day, it felt more like a high than it did a good thing. I don't know what a healthy libido feels like as an adult, but I'm pretty sure that what I was feeling the other day wasn't completely...
  2. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    Watching someone's dogs for the weekend, and their cleaning girl and I were alone in the house. I got an erection thinking about hooking up with her after our initial greeting (it was pleasant and she smiled bashfully), and quickly realized that I shouldn't trust anything that was happening to...
  3. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    Thanks man. You as well. Had another wet dream this morning. I went from not getting any at all to getting them once a week or so. The dream in and of itself was wacky and fucked up, so I'm not in a healthy libido zone, but yeah, another wetty.
  4. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    @Jeks Thanks man. The next day was a bounceback day and the day before was bleh. We'll see how things progress moving forward. Made it 21 months. Just gotta keep rolling forward.
  5. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    Today feels like a return to form, darkness wise. Most definitely going to have to go through at least one more tough stretch. Really can't believe what I did to my brain. It's fucking comical, this bullshit. Ridiculous.
  6. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    Thanks man. Very much appreciate the kind words.
  7. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    I've tried with my family, but they don't buy it. Within that statement there are a multitude of revelations, the main one being that they are too emotionally insecure to see me as an entity apart from themselves. The trust was never there from the get go. No agency. They did their best, but...
  8. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    Yeah, failure for me means relapse. What I mean by that is I've relapsed due to a large swath of various kinds of errors/mistakes. Urges during a flatline are similar to the ones I would get during the first 60 or so days when I wasn't in a flatline. Rise in depression, anxiety, darkness...
  9. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    I'll get back to yall when I'm not feeling so shitty. Right now, things are pretty rough. Can't really focus on anything.
  10. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    When I experience urges they are just naturally occurring phenomena. I am very, very good at avoiding triggering material. If I ever begin to think that I'm doing something with any sort of naughty intention I immediately stop (though I'm sure I can always be a little bit better [gotta be humble...
  11. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    Today the urges are strong. Would say it's the worst day I've had out of the last week. Just gotta get through it. And to stay extra fucking vigilant. Seems that the later I get into this process the stronger the urges are becoming.
  12. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    @Impression Very good questions. Got me thinking--had to stew on them for a little bit. Hard to tell. I think it was a clash of genes and circumstance, as always. The genes are the genes. I'm emotional and sensitive, so things just affect me more. The circumstance begins and ends with my...
  13. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    Thanks for the kind words. Good luck with all of this. Let me know if you have questions or whatever. You can always just message people if you'd prefer some things to be more private. Couple people have mentioned my journal as a whole, so today I went back and took a look at some of my first...
  14. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    @Phineas 808 100%. That's the simple key, not reacting, or being proactive about ensuring that you don't react negatively. I'm totally with you. Had a wet dream last night. That makes 4 in a rather narrow window of time. Just an observation--not trying to attribute too much meaning to it. The...
  15. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    Really being tested right now, urge wise. Need to keep going.
  16. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    @Flesh Good luck to you as well good sir.
  17. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    Ended up getting drunk last night and hanging out with people from my past who I shouldn't have been spending time with. They are the opposite of empowering. Regardless, as I said in my last little entry, just need to keep sticking to the game plan. Patience is the answer to these issues of...
  18. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    Holy balls man my brain/nervous system has been bouncing around all fuckin day today. Felt the whole spectrum of human emotion in the span of 12 hours. Obvious joke, but there's a kernel of truth in it. Good god, it's almost comical. This whole fucking this is a comedy. I know that one day I'll...
  19. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    Fearful of how much longer I have to go. Going to have to leap a pretty tall psychological hurdle if I don't start seeing some breaks in the pattern within the next few months. Based on how I feel this morning, I'm starting to think think that I still have to return to the very dark place at...
  20. zander13

    Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

    Had porn flashbacks this morning. No surprise--been craving it (porn) as of late. Gotta stay on my toes.
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