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  1. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    I’ve been less frequent about posting here lately. I want to get back to a daily habit of it if I can. At the same time, I’m going to try and change my approach for a while. I’m getting rid of my streak counters for a while. I want to try to stop making porn the big bogeyman in my life...
  2. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    Ups and downs. I went to therapy on Friday and then went on a mini-bender for the weekend while my wife was out of town. It could have been worse I guess but it was three times in the space of 48 hours and I just felt like as soon as I’m alone I have nothing stopping me from doing what...
  3. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    I relapsed again last night. I was going back and forth with some urges throughout the day, and I got home late and my wife was tired and not in a great mood, so she went to bed shortly after I got home. My porn brain interpreted this as “oh great, this is a a perfect excuse and opportunity to...
  4. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    Hi all, sorry for the absence for a while. I relapsed twice since my last post I think. Once early Saturday morning (after a night out drinking, but not so heavily that I had no self control left. It was still a conscious decision). And once just now, Monday night. Regardless of all of that, I...
  5. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    Relapse again. I’m just being lazy. Actually I tried to fight this one off for a while. And then I got lazy I guess and said fuck it. I am so sick of myself. I’m not happy with the man I am. PMO last week: 3 PMO this week: 4 Current streak: 0 days Day 0.
  6. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    24 hours without porn, finally. I will take it. Anyone who’s gone 2000 days had to go one day first. Tomorrow I will double it. And then two days from then I will double that. I was ogling women today like crazy, perhaps self soothing for staying away from porn? Also being around different...
  7. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    What you say is completely right, @Escapeandnevercomeback and it’s the main difference between success and failure I think. Just willingness to put in work. Unfortunately I just have another relapse to report. I stayed home sick today and have done next to nothing all day. I didn’t even really...
  8. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    Another day another relapse. I'm running out of observations or things to say I've learned from this time. I've learned that I'm in trouble and have no will to get myself out of it. I've learned I have the ability to turn on and off my moral compass as I see fit. PMO last week: 3 PMO this week...
  9. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    Nope, I almost immediately relapsed and PMO this morning. Sometimes I get a voice while I'm in the middle of it that says "well at least just finish up fast and be done with it." I also have a voice that says "just stop altogether, right now," but that one I listen to only for a few minutes...
  10. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    I continued peeking over the past few days. I think Thursday night I relapsed again, and then Friday continued peeking again but didn’t MO. I have my first meeting with a therapist on the 22nd. A new week starts today. I’ve been off my game, but that’s enough of that. Time to get back on it. I’m...
  11. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    I relapsed again today. Was peeking at shit through half the day and then found an opportunity to get one out and took it, even though we have my father in law staying over. Pretty lame, pretty low behavior. Pretty gross. Thinking “hey, one last hurrah before I talk to the therapist tomorrow.”...
  12. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    I'm going to have a 15-minute preliminary call with a therapist on Thursday. Mostly I'm excited, although any time I have a call like this scheduled, part of me feels like it's a visit to the principal's office or a job interview. I feel like I'm going to be shaky and nervous on the phone. But...
  13. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    I relapsed again today. I haven't heard back yet from that therapist so I may have to send out a few more feelers until I find a therapist. The big question is why did I relapse again today? I don't know, I have some excuses ready, I was tired, my day got off to a weird start... whatever. I'm...
  14. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    I had only a short conversation with my wife today: I told her I had contacted a therapist about my issues with porn because I didn’t feel like I was getting any better. She was glad to hear it and really supportive, and she commented that she thinks it’s a prevalent issue with most men, but...
  15. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    I relapsed tonight. My wife went out with a friend, and my plans with friends fell through, and I was feeling real sorry for myself, and I relapsed. I don’t mean that as an excuse, only just scene painting or to somewhat understand the mental state that led to it. It was a real slow motion...
  16. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    Another day alive. PMO last week: 3 PMO this week: 2 Current streak: 4 days Day 5.
  17. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    Not much to report in terms of talking about it with my wife yet. We’re doing okay right now but I do think she noticed I was out of sorts the past few days. I don’t want to keep things from her. I just selfishly want to be in a better place so I have something positive to say when I talk to...
  18. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    Not at all man, what you say is the truth and I know it’s the truth. I’m just scared. I will talk to her more eventually, I need to. I just have to gather up the courage. I can’t see myself telling her the subway story, for example. But the truth is the truth. She asks me how I’m doing with it...
  19. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    I’ve talked with her about it a little, but it’s still awkward. I haven’t gotten to the point where I’m able to share details about when’s the last time I used porn, how often or when/where I do it. I know, it’s probably the best thing to do to be honest, I’m just scared to have those difficult...
  20. jonazo91

    I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

    So, I had a relapse at work today, and during the course of it, I downloaded a video. On the way home from work, on the train, I decided to delete any porn files I had downloaded during on my phone. I expected this to be fast and smooth, I certainly wasn’t intending to have porn up on my phone...
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