Hi everyone 
Here is my story :
Right now I'm 23 and still virgin. I found out about NoFap 2 years ago (damn guys, it's been a while). At that time, I was suffering from a lot of physical (had a illness which led to terrible self-esteem and inferiority complex) and mental issues, my anxiety was through the roof, acne, stress, insecurity, irrational thoughts, incest fetishes (masturbation + had inappropriate behaviour toward my sister). I was deeply locked in my own world of porn and fetishes and darkness. Every time I was masturbating, I finished thinking about incest despite telling myself "man you will NEVER have a real girl if you keep doing that" but I felt so worthless and miserable and kept the bad habit.
Then, one day, I read a 90 days report and had an epiphany; I knew NoFap was the solution to all my issues.
So I went cold turkey. Hardest thing ever done in my life; 24h stress, all day long the first few weeks. I then realized how addicted I was (even if I did not masturbate so much, like 2 times a week).
Got many physical benefits, but was very stressed and tensed (QI of an oyster) all along. Did not go on any nofap site during the first 6 month of my streak, too afraid to read stuff that could changed my mind negatively (sound really stupid right now but I was really afraid of my tought - i'm still am).
At 3 months, I was like "when the fuck will I be rebooted, where is my motivation, sex drive ?? When does my life change ? But I kept going (it was life or death in my mind, either I cameback to my old fetish and miserable life or I kept going for a better future).
Anyway, fast forward, 8 months later, got into deep depression, lethargy, irrationnal fear, crying and stuff. Got to the psy, got anti depressant and anxiolytics. I relapsed because of stress (I was so tense guys, really) and depression (Flatline and other stuff).
Anyway, I start again (I'm pretty sure anybody will relate but with nofap when you get started, there is no coming back, you can't say "fuck nofap, I go back to my old life" and got back to it, forgetting all you've read, no no no, its not possible because deep down inside you know that this is the way. Once you begin you'd better finish.
So, another streaks, but same, no changes, still stressed a lot, no real friends, almost became bulimic as a substitute to porn; my life was a mess, a total mess. Still in my world and my thought. Suicidal depression before the beginning of school, calling suicide hotline, crying to the phone to my mom, praying, afraid of everything, hardcore times. Did like 3-4 months. Same story as before. Physicxal change outside, the same inside. Manlier outside, still weak and insecure inside.
Fast forward 2 weeks ago: found out that I have bruxism (clinched teeth at night) due to repressed stress (past events, other stuff and maybe nofap) which explained to me. Fast forward again, 2 days ago, 2 weeks into Nofap, and could not get excited dancing with a hot girl in a club, kissing her and stuff...NOTHING. Dead dick, no emotion, numb, numb, numb.
Relapsed today, a few hours ago on cookies, chocolate then porn ; twice. No surprise, bored, nothing to do, a dull life, no friends (a lot of acquaintances but no real friends - really frustrating).
Reflexion about all this:
First, and foremost, I did not change my lifestyle and that's the problem; I'm still the old me inside, even if I have changed outside.And my social life is nowhere existant. Still immature, and not a real man. Reports of full of people changing their lives, improving themselves, becoming a new and better version of themselves.. I did not do much except stopping masturbating. This point explains a lot. I did not get busy as I should - even if I tried but stress (below) had been a major hurdle.
Stress is a major component of all this: binge eating and masturbation have been for a long time ways to relieve stress. Clinching teeth is one of the manifestation this. Stress (physical discomfort rather), or tension I would say, had been a major obstacle in all of thi ;, when you feel tensed you are not your real self and everything is fake wheter its with family or friends.
I have PIED, I get erection to porn, but with a girl, kiss, dancing very close etc, nothing turns me on, scary stuff. Really I can't stand not feeling like a man, I want my sex drive, I want my erections.
Suicidal thoughts: oh, I had many, many, but I read a lot of spiritual stuff, and I believe when it's over, it's not over; so I don't consider that stuff anymore.
Girls: hmm, for real guys, I'm good looking and relatively healthy. From the outside, I can look like a badass sometimes; from the inside, I'm insecure. I never did it, I never put a fucking condo (I don't have a boner except when during masturbation on phone). I had some experience, but I could not get hard with the girl.
Major fear: I'm still a virgin, and the only thing that I get excited about if I try to fantasize is incest crap. I know I'm not fucked up (I read stories of people getting read of stuff like that but still it bothers me A LOT).
So here I am, I got to get up guys, I got to succeed, it's life or death. There is no middle ground. It's either the real me, my true self (I know deep down how great I am - we all are, we all have greatness within) and the old me (full of addiction, and bad behaviours).
Nofap awaken me, a little at least. I'm not hooked up like before, but I'm still not living life. And after those 2 years of streaks and relapses, I can't stand this quiet desperation I'm in, I can't stand being in the middle between no life and real life.
Just to let yourself know, every time I relapse, whether on porn and/or binge eating it was because I chose it ; the tempation was really supportable, but my life was a void, so at the time I did not see any point not giving in to those addictions, I had no reason to be strong.
What I want? A real life, to feel like a man, to have sex and have my gf (I want LOVE guys, LOVE, real feeling and relationship ; i really believe in love, really), to get rid of bad fetishes, to live healthy, to be proud of myself and most of all, to become the guy I know I can be (I am so much better than what I am now, I know it).
I tried to be short but complete at the same time. I will post here every day, I got to succeed at this stuff. Life passes, time passes, people move on, and I can't stand being the same guys, still being weak, making one step forward and then one step backward. No, no, no.
I love this forum, I love this community, I love this movement, respect to all of you my brothers, we are all in the same boat to a better and healthy futur. Will post to this journal every single day ; will read other journal and offer my help too. I'm getting a bit emotionnal here (always being a lurker of forum, reading success stories but because of bullshit pride I convinced myself that I did not need to post or ask for help - fuck its the past, I did not know better at that time) but I realised the importance of a community and plan to be a part of it.
It's late here, I'm going to bed.
Excuse me for any typos, English is a second language for me !
Love you all, see ya guys ! (will be dead serious about this journal, will post every day).
Message to myself : dude dude you got to succeed aint no way around this, enough time wasted with all that shit, the time is now bro, man up and live up to your fullest potential you owe it to yourself bro. life or death bro, failure is not an option, after pain is your reward, after pain is your success, 2 years that you've waited, prayed and suffered from it, so go all the way, go all in you deserved it bro, do it for you, too much suffering in this life, you crave for real life so give yourself a chance, give yourself a shot. go all the way, endure whatever you got to endure but hold on and know that after that you will be a new man. Go bro go I trust you, i trust you to go succeed at it.
Here is my story :
Right now I'm 23 and still virgin. I found out about NoFap 2 years ago (damn guys, it's been a while). At that time, I was suffering from a lot of physical (had a illness which led to terrible self-esteem and inferiority complex) and mental issues, my anxiety was through the roof, acne, stress, insecurity, irrational thoughts, incest fetishes (masturbation + had inappropriate behaviour toward my sister). I was deeply locked in my own world of porn and fetishes and darkness. Every time I was masturbating, I finished thinking about incest despite telling myself "man you will NEVER have a real girl if you keep doing that" but I felt so worthless and miserable and kept the bad habit.
Then, one day, I read a 90 days report and had an epiphany; I knew NoFap was the solution to all my issues.
So I went cold turkey. Hardest thing ever done in my life; 24h stress, all day long the first few weeks. I then realized how addicted I was (even if I did not masturbate so much, like 2 times a week).
Got many physical benefits, but was very stressed and tensed (QI of an oyster) all along. Did not go on any nofap site during the first 6 month of my streak, too afraid to read stuff that could changed my mind negatively (sound really stupid right now but I was really afraid of my tought - i'm still am).
At 3 months, I was like "when the fuck will I be rebooted, where is my motivation, sex drive ?? When does my life change ? But I kept going (it was life or death in my mind, either I cameback to my old fetish and miserable life or I kept going for a better future).
Anyway, fast forward, 8 months later, got into deep depression, lethargy, irrationnal fear, crying and stuff. Got to the psy, got anti depressant and anxiolytics. I relapsed because of stress (I was so tense guys, really) and depression (Flatline and other stuff).
Anyway, I start again (I'm pretty sure anybody will relate but with nofap when you get started, there is no coming back, you can't say "fuck nofap, I go back to my old life" and got back to it, forgetting all you've read, no no no, its not possible because deep down inside you know that this is the way. Once you begin you'd better finish.
So, another streaks, but same, no changes, still stressed a lot, no real friends, almost became bulimic as a substitute to porn; my life was a mess, a total mess. Still in my world and my thought. Suicidal depression before the beginning of school, calling suicide hotline, crying to the phone to my mom, praying, afraid of everything, hardcore times. Did like 3-4 months. Same story as before. Physicxal change outside, the same inside. Manlier outside, still weak and insecure inside.
Fast forward 2 weeks ago: found out that I have bruxism (clinched teeth at night) due to repressed stress (past events, other stuff and maybe nofap) which explained to me. Fast forward again, 2 days ago, 2 weeks into Nofap, and could not get excited dancing with a hot girl in a club, kissing her and stuff...NOTHING. Dead dick, no emotion, numb, numb, numb.
Relapsed today, a few hours ago on cookies, chocolate then porn ; twice. No surprise, bored, nothing to do, a dull life, no friends (a lot of acquaintances but no real friends - really frustrating).
Reflexion about all this:
First, and foremost, I did not change my lifestyle and that's the problem; I'm still the old me inside, even if I have changed outside.And my social life is nowhere existant. Still immature, and not a real man. Reports of full of people changing their lives, improving themselves, becoming a new and better version of themselves.. I did not do much except stopping masturbating. This point explains a lot. I did not get busy as I should - even if I tried but stress (below) had been a major hurdle.
Stress is a major component of all this: binge eating and masturbation have been for a long time ways to relieve stress. Clinching teeth is one of the manifestation this. Stress (physical discomfort rather), or tension I would say, had been a major obstacle in all of thi ;, when you feel tensed you are not your real self and everything is fake wheter its with family or friends.
I have PIED, I get erection to porn, but with a girl, kiss, dancing very close etc, nothing turns me on, scary stuff. Really I can't stand not feeling like a man, I want my sex drive, I want my erections.
Suicidal thoughts: oh, I had many, many, but I read a lot of spiritual stuff, and I believe when it's over, it's not over; so I don't consider that stuff anymore.
Girls: hmm, for real guys, I'm good looking and relatively healthy. From the outside, I can look like a badass sometimes; from the inside, I'm insecure. I never did it, I never put a fucking condo (I don't have a boner except when during masturbation on phone). I had some experience, but I could not get hard with the girl.
Major fear: I'm still a virgin, and the only thing that I get excited about if I try to fantasize is incest crap. I know I'm not fucked up (I read stories of people getting read of stuff like that but still it bothers me A LOT).
So here I am, I got to get up guys, I got to succeed, it's life or death. There is no middle ground. It's either the real me, my true self (I know deep down how great I am - we all are, we all have greatness within) and the old me (full of addiction, and bad behaviours).
Nofap awaken me, a little at least. I'm not hooked up like before, but I'm still not living life. And after those 2 years of streaks and relapses, I can't stand this quiet desperation I'm in, I can't stand being in the middle between no life and real life.
Just to let yourself know, every time I relapse, whether on porn and/or binge eating it was because I chose it ; the tempation was really supportable, but my life was a void, so at the time I did not see any point not giving in to those addictions, I had no reason to be strong.
What I want? A real life, to feel like a man, to have sex and have my gf (I want LOVE guys, LOVE, real feeling and relationship ; i really believe in love, really), to get rid of bad fetishes, to live healthy, to be proud of myself and most of all, to become the guy I know I can be (I am so much better than what I am now, I know it).
I tried to be short but complete at the same time. I will post here every day, I got to succeed at this stuff. Life passes, time passes, people move on, and I can't stand being the same guys, still being weak, making one step forward and then one step backward. No, no, no.
I love this forum, I love this community, I love this movement, respect to all of you my brothers, we are all in the same boat to a better and healthy futur. Will post to this journal every single day ; will read other journal and offer my help too. I'm getting a bit emotionnal here (always being a lurker of forum, reading success stories but because of bullshit pride I convinced myself that I did not need to post or ask for help - fuck its the past, I did not know better at that time) but I realised the importance of a community and plan to be a part of it.
It's late here, I'm going to bed.
Excuse me for any typos, English is a second language for me !
Love you all, see ya guys ! (will be dead serious about this journal, will post every day).
Message to myself : dude dude you got to succeed aint no way around this, enough time wasted with all that shit, the time is now bro, man up and live up to your fullest potential you owe it to yourself bro. life or death bro, failure is not an option, after pain is your reward, after pain is your success, 2 years that you've waited, prayed and suffered from it, so go all the way, go all in you deserved it bro, do it for you, too much suffering in this life, you crave for real life so give yourself a chance, give yourself a shot. go all the way, endure whatever you got to endure but hold on and know that after that you will be a new man. Go bro go I trust you, i trust you to go succeed at it.
