25 yo male. Time to move on.

Hi everyone. I am a 25 year old hetero male and this is my story.

My best guess is that I discovered porn around the age of 13 or 14. I started out staying up late to see cheap soft-core movies on TV. I remember receiving a car/trashy ?lads mag? type magazine from an older friend maybe around 15. I remember accessing the website of that magazine and from there began my relationship with online porn. The content blocker on my family PC restricted any access to sexual material. But the occasional chance discovery would allow me to bypass the software and see pornographic images. It was all images back then (dial up internet), the videos would come later when we got broadband. It wasn?t easy to access porn for me at that age but I would put in massive time and effort to achieve satisfaction, a hallmark of my porn behavior up to today. So in my teens I began to have more access to online porn, marking the beginning of a highly destructive journey. Also, this was all happening during the beginning of my sexual development ? something that really concerns me. Porn has been with me ever since I first truly started masturbating. The first time I masturbated to orgasm with my hand in the typical way was looking at a pornographic image, I can even remember the image and the exact women in it to this day.

Back then I was just interested in seeing women. I was shocked and repulsed my any hardcore boy/girl content. I found beautiful women so exciting and my ?taste? was entirely for ?lesbian? porn and nothing too ?hard?. You all know how it goes though, over time with more exposure things escalate ? especially once we got high-speed broadband and we no longer had a content blocker for some reason. My guess is that around 17 I was regularly PMOing to hardcore b/g videos. Thankfully I haven?t gone as far as some others, I never drifted into content that doesn?t match my sexual orientation nor anything bordering illegality. But I have certainly become accustomed to seeing violent and degrading imagery, and seeking out shocking and new material.

I've always had the feeling I was doing something negative (in some sense at least ? morally, spiritually). Although it would take me years before I realized what the physical consequences are. I kept watching porn throughout my undergraduate years even though my sense of morals and politics were developing. My conscience was saying that this isn?t something that matches the kind of person I want to be nor claim to be. Having this political identity on the one hand and the urge to watch violent sexist videos on the other is really disturbing, call it cognitive dissonance if you want. Even before I had truly recognized that I am an addict, I tried walking away from porn and saying to myself that I was finished with it. Some periods of 'sobriety' were much longer than others. But I kept going back.

I should also say that I have had very few sexual experiences with others. I didn?t kiss someone until the age of about 17, and I was drunk. I had a ?one-night stand? in university but couldn?t perform ? I thought I was too drunk at the time. Another two failed sexual encounters, this time sober, led me to think something else was going on. In hindsight all these scenarios must have been PIED. I was eventually lucky enough to meet an incredibly wonderful woman. It was the first and only time I have been in love. I could get it up with her, not fully though and I was never able to come. I didn?t know it at the time but in hindsight it must have been PIDE (porn-induced delayed ejaculation). Once again that relationship didn?t last, I was heartbroken.

In November 2015 I discovered r/pornfree. I recognized that I am an addict and began a determined effort to quit. My longest streak has been about 43 days. I have had many relapses but at least my consumption has dropped massively. Every time I relapse the anxiety gets worse because now I am really aware of the problem whereas in the past I was blissfully ignorant. When I relapse I get brain fog and my work and mood is affected. This November will mark a year since I began this journey to quit. My pattern of relapsing is getting ridiculous and I really don?t want to reach the end of the year without having achieved 120 days hard-mode. To think that I have been consuming pornography on and off for over a decade is insane. Think of all the things I could have achieved with all that wasted time.

So there it is. A familiar story but it feels good to write it down at least. Having to look back and trace the origin of this problem is worthwhile. My discovery of porn during puberty was really significant. And my distinct lack of a sexual life away from watching porn has also been hugely problematic. The lack of intimacy in my life gives me an excuse to watch porn which then makes me less capable of intimacy - a vicious cycle. I think that perhaps I am predisposed to this kind of behavior and maybe I'll always be at some risk of getting sucked into it again. Obviously if I could go back I would do things differently. But at least I know what kind of person I want to be and how to get there. Quitting this shit forever is a necessary part of becoming that truly genuine guy. Thanks for taking the time to read and I hope it helps others in some way.

TL;DR: Discovered porn in early teens. Never had much of a sex life. Anxiety and cognitive dissonance from watching porn whilst being disgusted by it. Started pornfree in Nov 2015. Still haven?t achieved my short term goals but determined to be a better person.
Yeah I think it is time to consider using a filter. in the past I have been averse to the idea in case someone uses my laptop and then asks uncomfortable questions.

I am a fairly active person but I go through phases due to my pathetic ability to balance work/deadline with a healthy life.

Day 3.

Don't have any major urges. I drift into daydreaming and porn scenario fantasies from time to time but I am trying to keep on top of it. I am also extremely busy at work at the moment so that is taking up a lot of my time. When these fantasies and urges come into my head I am trying to just observe the thought itself, be aware of the thought as opposed to getting sucked into it, and just watch the urge pass away.

Past experience tells me that the flatline period is awaiting me next week. I'm actually looking forward to it, I find it a calming period. It's the coming out the other end of the flatline where increased vigilance is necessary that I find difficult.

Looking at my pattern of relapses since Nov '15 they usually happen after two weeks. This usually coincides with the end of a flatline period. I'll try to be very vigilant of this when it arises and make sure that I have other activities to do.

Over and out.

Day 5

Things are going well. Haven't been edging in the morning nor am I getting lost in fantasies. I've had a lot of social contact these last few days which has been really great and definitely helps.



Active Member
Hi S_R

I am with you on the flatlines.  I find them a nice resite from the battle that is sometimes there.
BLessings on your continued progress.
Day 7

Today will mark the first week. Flatline is just a around the corner me thinks.

Nothing much to report. No major urges. All things sexual are pretty much absent from my mind at the moment.


Active Member
Congratulations on your Day 7.  ENjoy the rest period.  Use it to build passions that you love.  These will give you a healthy supplyof dopamine as well as being alternate activities for urges that you will encounter down the road.  Cheers to your recovery.
Day 10.

All going well so far. This weekend will mark 10% of the way to my short term goal of 120 days hard mode.

The end of this month will mark 30 days. If I remain as focused as I am right now then 30 will be upon me in no time.

On my calendar I have days 30, 60, 90, and 120 highlighted. I've never made it as far as 60. Keeping track of it this way seems to help though. It's also satisfying being able to tick off a box on the calendar every day, and seeing the green section fill up on my progress bar on this site.

Great post over on YBOP that is worth a read by TheUnderdog. It has made me think a bit harder about how exactly I am going about this. Highly recommend giving it a look.