Lost my virginity to an escort last night... here are the details

[Pisces21]

So to make things short and sweet, I called up an escort because I was always curious and finally went through with it, met one in a hotel room in my town and we had sex. And never in my life have I been more conflicted about something. There were things I enjoyed and didn't enjoy and all in all I am definitely a bit ashamed and not proud but here are some points I wanted to get off my chest and share with you all in hopes of feedback ..
*Warning there is triggering material in here and if you're sensitive to it, then may be best not to read, trying not to be too graphic*

- She made me wear a condom even for head and as disappointing as it was, it made me feel a little more safe knowing she was more adamant about it than I was so I doubt I got any STDs

- Her vagina STANK like... I heard they smell like fish and hers definitely did... terrible odor and what made it worse is she was wearing this perfume or oil that had a scent to it that I didn't care for and it just mixed with the stench of her pussy making me nauseous afterwards

- She performed oral on me and I was just shocked at how I got erect just to the sensation of her performing it... all my life I needed some sort of visual stimulation to get erect before masturbating ( porn, images, etc.)

- I went limp about halfway through and needed her to perform oral again to get me back up

- She stated that I seemed uncomfortable and it was even making her uncomfortable...

- The whole experience seemed so odd to me... it's like real sex felt awkward and foreign to me because before that time all I knew was porn and masturbation... and so when she just took off her close and started I was like "wait..." LOL ; Actual sex is more sensory and less convenient and requires you to be outside of your head... sex up to this point has all been a head game for me.. and now I realize it

- I learned how important LOVE and CONNECTION is to sex. It's not just as mechanical... and I sensed that was missing and why it felt uncomfortable I am sure because she went about it so mechanically. She didn't even allow kissing. Just head and then doggy style and some variation between that. I felt uncomfortable knowing I was having her do something against her will or only because she wanted my money and so the intimacy and emotions of someone authentically wanting you was just lost..

- After I stopped for a second she was just like " are you done?" and I paused and said "..yeah.. (I guess)"
It's almost as if the act was underwhelming a bit though I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it some

- Once we were done she asked if it was my first time and I said "With a prostitute, yes " (when it was my first time period -LOL which she got mad at me for saying because it was rude but it kinda slipped out and she was being kinda cold about the whole thing so I guess that's why I said it

- After I left, for the rest of the night my dick kept getting erect and then unerect, without my even fantasizing like it wanted to be back pounding a hot girl or something

- I suffer from HOCD from getting into gay porn and so part of my issue is my HOCD is saying 'you didn't enjoy that as much bc you'd like a guy more' and even during the act I kept getting intrusive thoughts of 'I wish this was a guy'...

So all in all...I am disappointed in myself though I did learn a lot . I will never seek out another prostitute I am commited to being completely rebooted and experiencing TRUE love and intimacy now that I know that it makes all the difference. Hope this helps some of you all out there. I'd love some feedback

 

[malando]

Yes, all you can do now is learn your lessons and move on to something healthy - and yes, being with somebody you love is a whole different experience! Don't settle for meaningless crap.

 

[willtochange]

I think this post can help some men who are looking to do the same. I really like the fact you realized that sex is not just actions, real sex is having an intimate connection to someone you have an emotional connection with. That is real satisfying sex, also women are not supposed to smell like fish. This means they are unclean and possibly even have an infection or STD.

 

[willtochange]

https://youtu.be/ey6qww-xT2E

 

[RuntoSpirit]

Hi WIll to Change,
I think it is wise on your part to realize that visits to prostitutes is not for you.  THere is a lot of pretending in this game. After all, she is after your money. 

Glad to hear you are serious about a new REBOOT.
AS you know there are differencesof opinion as to if youcan have sex or not. 
As for me I know I really need a rewiring of my brain so I optedfor the hard mode. Ifind it is not so bad.  RIghtnow I am on day 47.

What are your strategies to make your struggles with urges easier?
DO you use a porn filter?
CHeers in your recovery.

 

[NwaltRed]

Definitely a difference between lovemaking and sex. Though I'm quite happy with casual sex in any case, some people really do need a strong connection to enjoy it.

 

[klarson27]

Casual sex is completely different from visiting a prostitute

 

[NwaltRed]

Casual sex is completely different from visiting a prostitute

Fair enough, care to expand? There are differences to be sure, but similarities as well. Both are sex for pleasure rather than emotional connection.

 

[Arcturus]

Fair enough, care to expand? There are differences to be sure, but similarities as well. Both are sex for pleasure rather than emotional connection.

There are no similarities. I say that with confidence even though I am no sex expert. People who have casual sex are probably in high spirits when casual sex occurs. They share a positive vibe and maybe some casual empathy. There is some degree of positive energy involved to be sure. But when paid sex occurs, I'm sure there's a high degree of negative energy involved. How can there be positive vibes when you meet a traumatized, dehumanized woman, knowing that you are about to murder your wallet for her? What kinds of vibes does she have after the many filthy, ugly, troubled customers with difficult lives that she had? My opinion, and correct me if I'm wrong is that if you are lonely and troubled an escort can only enhance your misery.

When we are attracted to someone, we're not really attracted by that person's body parts or shapes. What we're really attracted to is that person's vibes and energy; by her attitude towards life and towards you.   

 

[NwaltRed]

Fair enough, care to expand? There are differences to be sure, but similarities as well. Both are sex for pleasure rather than emotional connection.

There are no similarities. I say that with confidence even though I am no sex expert. People who have casual sex are probably in high spirits when casual sex occurs. They share a positive vibe and maybe some casual empathy. There is some degree of positive energy involved to be sure. But when paid sex occurs, I'm sure there's a high degree of negative energy involved. How can there be positive vibes when you meet a traumatized, dehumanized woman, knowing that you are about to murder your wallet for her? What kinds of vibes does she have after the many filthy, ugly, troubled customers with difficult lives that she had? My opinion, and correct me if I'm wrong is that if you are lonely and troubled an escort can only enhance your misery.

When we are attracted to someone, we're not really attracted by that person's body parts or shapes. What we're really attracted to is that person's vibes and energy; by her attitude towards life and towards you. 

What a wonderfully realistic opinion of escorts you have, perhaps if you actually talk to an escort you might be able to put some of those fallacies to rest

 

[Arcturus]

What a wonderfully realistic opinion of escorts you have, perhaps if you actually talk to an escort you might be able to put some of those fallacies to rest

I actually did talk to more than one, unfortunately. Didn't know she was a prostitute at first. We studied at the same university. She had good grades and was apparently very intelligent, bright, funny, cheerful, nice etc. We almost became friends and almost slept together but none of these happened. Her less clothed body repelled me for some reason even though she didn't look bad at all. She complained to me about her situation and difficult childhood and eventually confessed that she prostituted herself for a living. I tried to remain friends with her, thinking that she needs someone to talk to; I also decided that I should sleep with her regardless of what it feels like but guess what, she turned out to be a psychopath who hated men; one who all of a sudden sought to humiliate, insult, depress you with every breath she took. At the time I didn't know exactly what was going on with someone like her. Now I know that she was a pathological narcissist, to be more exact, which is a variant of psychopathy; she played the victim, the genius that's been mistreated by fate, but that's another story. I myself still suffer from avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety in general. So yeah... My friendship with her, a bad combination indeed. The worst possible.

I also know of another one, a 'friend' of hers, who seemed genuinely nice and friendly but who looked just as disgusting, even while wearing clothes.

In one word I hate prostitutes. There's good looking ones too, obviously, but I hate them all. And there's certainly something wrong with most of them. The few who may be normal and who let's say like what they do, well even they are out for your money! They only take from you. They give nothing to you. Nothing. Again, please correct me if I'm wrong. To me it sounds like they take away your fortunes and your self-esteem and indeed leave you void of feelings; they leave you with nothing. That's how I see it. They don't respect you, that's for sure. And well, they may smile and make you feel comfortable and good about yourself because that's what they're paid for. 

How can there be something positive in paid sex? They demand money for something that nature designed to be free.

Sorry for the long post. I took the opportunity to share my views on prostitution and those parasitic prostitutes.




       

 

[NwaltRed]

Something nature designed to be free  ;D

I don't know where you are getting your ideas of sex from but nature certainly didn't design women to throw around sex and expect nothing in return.

Men have a naturally higher sex drive than women in general, and women have always "exploited" it for resources. Women provide the sex and the lineage/children, and men bring home the bacon. The tables might be turning a bit with more women in the workplace and some stay at home dads, but you can bet those stay at home dad's aren't generally getting their rocks off very often.

I guess I can just go screw any beautiful woman I choose right, cause natured designed it to be free? Perhaps while I'm at it I can go steal myself a nice car, I could buy a civic instead, but no, I deserve the Porsche, and why would I ever be expected to pay for it???

Some people are born with the intelligence to create Microsoft, others have a hot body and few other skills. Are you really going to resent them for utilizing the best tool they have?

Of course escorting is a particularly lucrative choice for a sociopath, someone who can lie their way to the top and be anyone they need to be. I do believe that many escorts are just genuinely loving people, they just have an understanding that love is an infinite resource, and just because someone is providing your livelihood doesn't mean you can't feel love for them.

That probably won't sit well with the traditional marrying types who have no understanding of polyamory, but they can do as they like

 

[Arcturus]

Something nature designed to be free  ;D

I don't know where you are getting your ideas of sex from but nature certainly didn't design women to throw around sex and expect nothing in return.

Men have a naturally higher sex drive than women in general, and women have always "exploited" it for resources.

A man isn't really supposed to pay for sex in any way. And women aren't objects. A real woman chooses a man because of his strength, confidence and his ability to provide physical and mental security rather than money. Money is always welcome, of course, but it's not a condition, as long as you have a decent source of income. Social class, style and intelligence also play a huge role obviously. 

 

[NwaltRed]

I think we are misunderstanding each other here.
You aren't incorrect in your above statements about what women are looking for, and women can certainly provide for themselves more easily these days.

There is a reason women prefer strength and confidence though, these are traits that lead to better resource accumulation for a man. Women were and still are to some degree, incredibly vulnerable when bringing a child into the world. They are unable to work, and unable to fend for themselves during this time.

That is the biological reasoning for women choosing to have sex less often, sex is biologically far more risky for a woman than it is for a man.
You are not entirely wrong in your thinking, you just need to see the bigger picture. If you continue on believing that nature instilled the same sexual drive in women as it did in men then you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

There is a very good reason that nature instilled a desire for resources in women, that's because women use those resources to bring new life into the world. Once you understand this you might resent women a little less for their lack of sex drive and their desire to trade their sexuality for wealth.

 

[malando]

I think we are misunderstanding each other here.
You aren't incorrect in your above statements about what women are looking for, and women can certainly provide for themselves more easily these days.

There is a reason women prefer strength and confidence though, these are traits that lead to better resource accumulation for a man. Women were and still are to some degree, incredibly vulnerable when bringing a child into the world. They are unable to work, and unable to fend for themselves during this time.

That is the biological reasoning for women choosing to have sex less often, sex is biologically far more risky for a woman than it is for a man.
You are not entirely wrong in your thinking, you just need to see the bigger picture. If you continue on believing that nature instilled the same sexual drive in women as it did in men then you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

There is a very good reason that nature instilled a desire for resources in women, that's because women use those resources to bring new life into the world. Once you understand this you might resent women a little less for their lack of sex drive and their desire to trade their sexuality for wealth.

That's a bit generalised, Nwalt. There are women out there who have a very high sex drive - even after childbirth. Even if it's true that men statistically want sex more often than women, it's still not evidence of the survival-of-the-species style argument you are putting forward. Women with young children have high demands on their energy, but those who share the domestic duties with their partners might very well report a much more equal sex-drive. It just so happens that men typically go to work and leave the lion's share of the domestic tasks to the women. It's grinding work - much harder than going to an office for the day. It's not because of resource accumulation, it's practicality. I'm highly aware of this because my partner and I have a 2 year old daughter. I see how the sexual dynamics shift according to how equally we divide the domestic work. It's nothing to do with biological imperatives - it's to do with the dynamic balance we find in managing the workload. I do more, she rests more, I get more. I do more, I get more tired, I want it less often. Exhaustion is causation.

 

[Arcturus]

You are not entirely wrong in your thinking, you just need to see the bigger picture. If you continue on believing that nature instilled the same sexual drive in women as it did in men then you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

What if all men did Nofap? One day this might very well be the new social reality. What if all men became just as interested in sex as women, or even less interested? Once you are comfortable and productive on hard mode, you no longer need sex and you no longer give a damn about sex.

Once you understand this you might resent women a little less for their lack of sex drive and their desire to trade their sexuality for wealth.

I don't resent women. I resent prostitutes. To me, prostitutes aren't women. I wonder why you use the word 'trade'. If this was a trade then women would always be the losers and they mostly are, if they're young and beautiful and stupid - if they only look for wealth then they always get used and dumped over and over again because the man with wealth, the one willing to buy the woman, will always afford another one and another one.

They don't lack sex drive, they just have different, often more subtle ways of expressing it. They often have trouble expressing it. We see this today due to the so called social media and the excessive brain wiring to screens. These impede and cancel their ability to express their libido in a natural way (one that involves social contact rather than pictures on a screen). The subtlety that's been evolving for millions of years is suddenly lost. I believe many are hungry for sex but are psychologically inept and turn off guys with their lack of magnetism.

Millennial women, as you may have noticed, are terrible conversationalists. To them the action of speaking and sharing emotions is like a burden. Even when they do express interest in you, they mostly use one syllable words. They have no enthusiasm for life.Millennials in general don't know how to share a common energy in a group, like Generation X did. To Generation X, it was all about the group. To generation Y, it's all about the screen. Everything happens there.

Speaking of the word 'trade'. I see sex as a form of connection. You see it as a commodity. That's the main difference between your views and mine. And I believe it's obvious that gold diggers often end up with led. 

 

[NwaltRed]

Nonsense, women are more selective due to biological imperatives. I do recognize sex as a potential commodity yes, though I am also aware that sex can be an expression of intimacy.

I tried no fap, and hit the flatline, didn't last long. I don't believe that everyone can be celibate, regardless of their pursuits.
Don't confuse female sexual enjoyment with drive. I believe women enjoy sex, maybe even more than men, but I'm not convinced it becomes a physical ache for the majority of women as it does for men.

Nothing else there really addresses my points, it's just your biases regarding the current generation of young adults.

 

[NwaltRed]

I think we are misunderstanding each other here.
You aren't incorrect in your above statements about what women are looking for, and women can certainly provide for themselves more easily these days.

There is a reason women prefer strength and confidence though, these are traits that lead to better resource accumulation for a man. Women were and still are to some degree, incredibly vulnerable when bringing a child into the world. They are unable to work, and unable to fend for themselves during this time.

That is the biological reasoning for women choosing to have sex less often, sex is biologically far more risky for a woman than it is for a man.
You are not entirely wrong in your thinking, you just need to see the bigger picture. If you continue on believing that nature instilled the same sexual drive in women as it did in men then you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

There is a very good reason that nature instilled a desire for resources in women, that's because women use those resources to bring new life into the world. Once you understand this you might resent women a little less for their lack of sex drive and their desire to trade their sexuality for wealth.

That's a bit generalised, Nwalt. There are women out there who have a very high sex drive - even after childbirth. Even if it's true that men statistically want sex more often than women, it's still not evidence of the survival-of-the-species style argument you are putting forward. Women with young children have high demands on their energy, but those who share the domestic duties with their partners might very well report a much more equal sex-drive. It just so happens that men typically go to work and leave the lion's share of the domestic tasks to the women. It's grinding work - much harder than going to an office for the day. It's not because of resource accumulation, it's practicality. I'm highly aware of this because my partner and I have a 2 year old daughter. I see how the sexual dynamics shift according to how equally we divide the domestic work. It's nothing to do with biological imperatives - it's to do with the dynamic balance we find in managing the workload. I do more, she rests more, I get more. I do more, I get more tired, I want it less often. Exhaustion is causation.

I feel like a jackass, I totally skimmed over your comment.
This is actually very interesting to hear, and I don't want you to think I was referring to your post as nonsense, I simply didn't read it last time

I have to say this is the first I have heard of this, I had only heard the basic biological argument in the past, and it makes a lot of sense, but the idea that sexual drive can change based on relationship dynamics is new to me, and I'd welcome anymore evidence of this you might have, aside from your personal experience.

I don't dismiss what you are saying at all, this is just the first time I am hearing of it, and it would certainly give me a lot of hope for relationships if it is a common occurrence.
I do understand as well that there are always exceptions to any general rule, there are some very horny women out there, some very tall Asians, some women are even good drivers ;D