My path to freedom

[Oneway]

Hi everyone,

I'm 48 years old with wife and two children. I've been addicted to pornography and masturbation now for 30+ years. The development of my addiction is somewhat similar to what I have read from several guys on this forum. Occasional magazines and vhs videos on my teenage years and early 20's. Then on the internet era the addiction gradually took turn to much worse. Endless supply of pictures and streaming videos accessable instantly. Almost daily usage of internet porn from my mid twenties to late 30's. That is fifteen years and thousands of hours spent alone in darkness looking at pixels on screen waisted!

About ten years ago I realized that my porn usage is a problem and I can't control it. I have taken huge risks with my job and damaged relationships watching porn. Since then I've made several attempts to quit (basically after every time I used and felt empy and bad) but with no lasting success.

First real structured attempt to get free was 9 years ago when I registered to christian online course called Setting captives free. This resulted in 30 days of freedom. I quit the course after failing couple of times. After this it has been several attempts of trying to quit on my own, best streaks being between 1-3 weeks with several months or even years of regular (2-4 times a week) usage in between.

This summer has so far been the best period in my battle against this thing. Since june I have enjoyed two lengthy streaks of 21 days and 46 days of freedom from pmo. This is unusual for me and has increased my belief that freedom is truly possible. I have learned that I am able to resist conquer every craving. Huge help for me has been the information given on website YBOP.

Unfortunately my record streak of 46 days (and 17 hours) of no pmo or mo came to an end yesterday. I spent 4 hours of watching porn and masturbating  . At the moment I'm feeling numb and anxious. Also scared of falling back to the addictive cycle again. I'm not sure why I couldn't resist yesterday.

I have been very private person in my battle and haven't journalled frequently. So to try something new I registered to RN and started this journal to make my battle more public and to prevent one fall from developing to a binge.

 

[Oneway]

Some thoughts of what lead me to failing yesterday:

1. During last week or two I got a bit careless with controlling my eyes. Did let my eyes linger on attractive women on several occasions even after catching myself doing it. This must stop. I need to create a habit of averting my eyes. The habit must become so ingrained that I do it instinctively.

2. Similarly I was careless with fantasizing. On couple of occasions I did let the fantasy linger in my mind even after conciously catching myself fantasizing. I need to learn how to deal with fantazies correctly. Maybe suppressing them is not the correct way but somehow I need to dstract my mind from them. This is something I must learn.

 

[Oneway]

Well, I made it through day 1. Have been reading quite a lot about recovery and trying basically function as normally as possible. Feeling a bit anxious, dissapointed and disoriented. Still trying to understand the process that led to relapse yesterday and what can I learn from it to prevent it happening any more. It is scary that after 46 days of no pmo I can move from pretty confident mode to watching p## and masturbating in less than two hours.

I decided to give special attention in coming weeks to following three things which I think were at least partly opening the way for relapse:

Averting my eyes: Haven't seen many people today so there hasn't been much to avert from.

Handling fantasies: This day has been pretty fantasy free. Couple of flashbacks from the stuff I watched yesterday but they went away as quickly as they came.

Managing urges: There hasn't been mentionable urges.

 

[bob]

Hey Oneway,

Glad to have  you here. Keep writing, keep reading, and don't forget to post on the sites of others. You voice can make a difference in someones journey here on RN. 

Peace

 

[Oneway]

Hi bob and thank you for the kind words and advice. I sure hope that my experiences could help someone as I try to learn as much as possible from experiences of others on this forum.

I've been battling this lousy addiction for last ten years without much success. For years I've been in cycle of relapsing every 3-4 days on average. I have made myself distant from my wife and also to some degree from my kids because of my constant acting out. I feel the years (and my life) have gone by in the cycle of acting out and trying to abstain. Not living, really.

For a reasons that I don't fully understand things have slowly taken a turn to better during last 2-3 months. Within the last 80 days I have watched p## 6 times. This is by far the best period of my adult life and I've grown in confidence that I will kick this sh#t out of my life for good.

I think I've come to a point in my life that I'm ready to let go of porn forever.

 

[Oneway]

Day 2:
My mood has been down all day. Probably it has to do with the recent relapse. Still not over it. Or then my brain doesn't like the thought of letting porn go. Otherwise pretty quiet day. Mentally preparing to go back to work on monday after summer vacation. Also went to gym this morning and had a pretty good workout. Set myself a goal of 47 days. It will be the longest period without pmo or mo in my adult life.

Averting my eyes: Not seen many people today. On a couple of occasions I succesfully practised this.

Handling fantasies: This day has been pretty fantasy free. Caught myself once trying to go into fantasyland, but as soon as I noticed it distracting myself was easy.

Managing urges: Still no mentionable urges. From YBOP found a link to a recording for overcoming urges http://depts.washington.edu/abrc/mbrp/recordings/Urge%20Surfing.mp3. Bookmarked it on my phone and ipad and will try it when the need arises

 

[BlueSun]

Howdy buddy and welcome. 

There are a few folks out there that use faith as the first rule to beat P addiction.  For me, it was actually my faith that dug me in deeper, but we each walk to our own drum. I think the most successful of our brothers align their recovery, align their lives... in as many different areas as they can to sustain and manage it. 

Standard issue religion is great at saying so and so is wrong, and advising that one pray more.  And from a certain perspective that is not all that bad. 

But... add knowledge as to why the brain chemistry makes day one through whatever, twenty something, pretty tenuous space... add a social network where its finally ok to talk about this out loud, destroying the years of isolated reinforcement and solitary madness... add being able to safely admit to the sometimes autopilot self stimulus, frequent and erratic fantasy, or those bittersweet times when one peek ended 4 hours later and a mess to clean up. Add acceptance that sex is innate, that were going to do it, the need to fulfill the drive contributed to getting us hooked, but it isnt the sexual drive to which we are slaves.  The pixels, the hypersexuality,  thats where the waters get deep and fast. ... add knowing that this forum has literally thousands of men just like us, thousands, who are getting up after falling for the hundredth time, and starting over again.

Except this time, were standing shoulder to shoulder.  Reach out and support someone even if its day three.  Get educated. Educate others.  Im not entirely free yet.  But I will be.  And I will continue to help others get free.  Our culture is already sexually contorted so much that its difficult to even think about it clearly sometimes.  Add this addiction, and to many, its a losing battle.

Except that its not.  We're winning.

 

[Oneway]

Thanks for your encouraging words BlueSun.

It is true that question is not only about abstaining from porn but about wider life change. Then again, abstaining from porn makes the change possible.

This addiction is won one urge at a time and we all can do it. It just takes getting used to and enduring some uncomfort.

 

[TK-421]

Welcome to RN. You'll find that there are lots of resources her and support if you are serious about quitting and making real change in your life. I have come to accept that is is truely an addiction. It is different from other addictions in that it's been a process to discover and understand what makes the addition tick and what causes relapses (unlike smoking, for example, where it is very obvious what the addiction is). I think you are on the right track by focusing on what sorts of thoughts can start to take you down a path where you somehow find yourself masturbating for four hours straight.

Good luck on your journey. It is helpful to check in here and post regularly during the reboot.

 

[Oneway]

Hi TK and thank you.

Day 3: Main feelings for today has been irritation and longing. Irritated about basically everything and specially the weather.

Longing for this beatiful woman I know but will never have. It is strange how deep this feeling is. Feels like I have lost a love of my life even if there was nothing to loose at the first place. Hard to put to words exactly, but this is not a nice feeling. Specially as I'm married and should have the feelings for my wife. I've had this feeling before and know it is related to absistence from porn for a couple of days. I know it will pass.

Regarding to not watching porn this has been an easy day. Not been even thinking the whole thing for most of the day. Also went to gym (4-5 times a week is my routine). Nothing like lifting weights to take your mind of from basically anything else.

Averting my eyes: Have had many opportunities to practise this. Made serious effort and was mostly succesfull. My eyes seem to have a will of their own though, as some second (and even third) looks escaped from my surveilance.

Handling fantasies: No fantasies today.

Managing urges: No mentionable urges.

 

[Oneway]

Day 4: Back to work. Illusion of freedom (summer vacation) is over. Getting accustomed to working again. Luckily this day wasn't too busy. Noticed the change in my mental state though. Lots of attractive women around and thoughts of pmo crept into my mind. I have done a fair share of my pmoing at work and it was like an autopilot was trying to take control. Didn't give in and not going to. Never again. Urges can't do anything else but make me feel uncomfortable. I welcome the uncomfortable. Lets see who wins.

Averting my eyes: Had much practice today and I did pretty good. No staring, no ogling even if there were plenty of opportunities.

Handling fantasies: Still no fantasies today.

Managing urges: Some urges. Not too strong though. Did listen to the urge management recording I found earlier. It helps to put the urges into perspective. Pretty good stuff.

 

[bob]

Oneway,

Day 4:
Never again. Urges can't do anything else but make me feel uncomfortable. I welcome the uncomfortable. Lets see who wins.

Averting my eyes: Had much practice today and I did pretty good. No staring, no ogling even if there were plenty of opportunities.

Handling fantasies: Still no fantasies today.

Managing urges: Some urges. Not too strong though. Did listen to the urge management recording I found earlier. It helps to put the urges into perspective. Pretty good stuff.

Great attitude. Your going to do great!

Peace

 

[Oneway]

Day 5: Didn't sleep well last night. I've been suffering from insomnia for years. PMOing may be one cause for it. I hope it is, so quitting porn hopefully improves my sleep also. Anyhow I felt pretty exhausted this morning but forced myself to go to gym before work.

Regarding quitting porn this has been an easy day. No urges, no fantasies, no nothing. I'm glad it was so, but don't have any illusions that the same will continue in coming days.

I have  PMO/MO/O:d once within last 52 days. I feel that my relapse a couple of days ago didn't fully undo the positive effect of all the days I have been clean. Maybe half of them (or something), but I feel that I didn't start from zero this time. I believe that I'm prepared to meet the cravings and urges that await in the future. What gives me motivation is that each urge that I endure will weaken the power of this addiction until its gone.

To clarify my goal on this forum, which I quess I haven't mentioned yet, is to go for 90 days of hardmode. My first goal is to beat my previous best of 46 days without PMO/MO/O. My ultimate goal is to quit PMO and MO for good, but lets take one thing at a time.

Averting my eyes: I can say that today I was almost 100% succesfull in this. Can pat myself on the back today.

Handling fantasies: Still no fantasies today.

Managing urges: No mentionable urges.

 

[Oneway]

Thanks for the engouragement bob. Earlier I have always been afraid of urges and cravings. This time it is different as I understand enduring them to be important part of my recovery. I wish you strength and endurance in your own recovery too.

This can be truly done.

 

[Oneway]

Hi Chip and thank you.

I have been reading your thread already before I registered to RN and was very much inspired by your example. I also believe the 'one and done' approach is the right for me.

I wish you all the success in your new task of rebooting your life.

 

[Oneway]

Day 6: This has been a day with mild cravings and mild discomfort. It is funny how even a smallest craving makes p, suddenly a pretty good idea to a part of my brain. Had to remind myself a couple of times why I have quit porn. Otherwise not much to tell. The usual. Morning gym and day at work. After work run some errands in the afternoon. Sleep was also better last night.

Averting my eyes:Succesfull day on averting the eyes. Had to work a bit harder than yesterday to keep control and had also more opporturnities to ogle, but didn't give in.

Handling fantasies: Some mild fantasies. As soon as I noticed myself fantasizing I distracted myself and thought something else.

Managing urges: Some small urges at work. Just noticed them and continued to work. Urges can't make me do anything!!

 

[Oneway]

Day 7: Feeling empty and hollow, depressed, irritated.

I've been thinking about my life and choises that I've made. My marriage is in a bad shape. Communication between me and my wife is nonexistant. We live separate lives under same roof. The worst part is that I'm mainly responsible and I don't even know if I want things to be different. I sure have messed my brain with porn, but I feel we were never a dream couple either. I struggle to feel towards my wife as a husband should. And I feel so guilty about that! Believe me that I know this is not right! I have medicated my guilt, lack of feelings, irritation and all the negative towads her with porn. And now as I don't have porn feelings begin to surface.

I wish there were a switch in my brain which would fix my feelings towards her. I wish quitting porn would make it all better but it probably will not. Don't get me wrong. This has nothing to do with my resolve to quit. I don't want porn back. But even quitting it probably is not the silverbullet to fix it all.

Somehow I feel like I have painted myself into a corner and there is no way out. I don't want a divorce either. We have kids and I believe that for them having both parents around is better than not. After kids leave home, I don't know. This is really depressing me today. Hopefully tomorrow is better.

Just felt that I needed to write this down here...mainly for myself.

Regarging quitting porn and mo everything is going well. Otherwise pretty standard day at work and some voluntary work at the congregation I go to.

Averting my eyes: Again easy day. Averting the eyes seems to gradually get easier.

Handling fantasies: Same as yesterday. Some mild/medium fantasies. As soon as I noticed myself fantasizing I distracted myself and thought something else.

Managing urges: Medium urges which wen't away pretty easily. Not this constant nagging in the back of my head.

I'm starting to repeat myself on these 3 things, but it is a good thing. It means that everything is going ok. I want to include them in my posts to keep me publicly (in this forum) accountable to constantly practicing them.

 

[bob]

I agree with Chip...

Had a few questions; and forgive me if you mentioned it.

• Have you considered counseling? If not for the both of you, maybe just you?
• What about opening up regarding this issue. It isn't easy but it (you will know best) may be helpful
• How about friends that you know together. Can you get out, be friends (first) outside of the home. Sometimes that may be easier.

No matter what are your answers; and  you don't have to answer them here, realize that the goal is for you. You should do this because you want to.

Peace

 

[Oneway]

Your right quitting porn won't fix a marriage, but it's a step in the right direction.  The feelings of love ebb and flow, the act of loving(not just sex) can and should be demonstrated. Reestablishing communication is vital, that and purposely do good things for her. Don't wait on your feelings to show her love, just do it. Don't begrudgingly go thru the motions, do it because as her husband you know you should. Try and remember how things were between you when you were first starting out, use that for motivation. The logical thing to do if there is distance in the relationship, then move closer. It'll take time, prayer and dedication but it's worth it. Brick by brick, one step at a time. You may not have a great marriage today, but it could be better tomorrow with some work.

Chip

Thank you for your insight.

You put to words what I have known all along deep inside but not wanting to admit to myself. I feel this is the path I should take. I should take fixing my marriage as seriously as I am taking quitting porn.

Thanks man.

 

[Oneway]

I agree with Chip...

Had a few questions; and forgive me if you mentioned it.

• Have you considered counseling? If not for the both of you, maybe just you?
• What about opening up regarding this issue. It isn't easy but it (you will know best) may be helpful
• How about friends that you know together. Can you get out, be friends (first) outside of the home. Sometimes that may be easier.

No matter what are your answers; and  you don't have to answer them here, realize that the goal is for you. You should do this because you want to.

Peace

Thank you for the thoughtful response bob. We have taken counceling years ago but the benefits were quickly destroyed by my indulgence in porn. Taking some counceling at least first by myself is something definetly worth considering.  I also like your idea of going out and spending time with friends.

I must say that you (Chip and bob) made me realize that I have left things in my marriage just slide. Thinking that because I feel (or don't feel) this way there is no point in trying.