Never to late

xc43

Member
Hi,

I am in my early 20s and I want to get rid of this compulsion to watch porn and masturbate. I have been trying for 3 over years so far. For a while things were great. Now I am back at watching once weekly which sometimes lead to masturbation, not always; I recently placed my desktop in a relatively public space in the house. 

I had enough of it. Enough is enough. I may not have attained a low so low the pain was unbearable, but this little pain I may feel (or big, whatever) might be worse. I do not suffer from ED yet I want to stop. I think suffering from it would actually help me to stop definitely. I struggle against the wind, which is hard because you can't fight the wind. Perhaps my only option is to compensate for every breath of wind and achieve stability.

Ex: To occupy myself more those days of the week where I have nothing to do. Vacuum has a nefarious way of filling itself for me.

I guess... this is a fight against vacuum (my only trigger lately is having nothing to do/ doing nothing planned. It is hard to do something when you do not want to do what was planned which is what happened to me today. I was to go meditate for the second time for 2h and I did not see the advantages so I decide to not go. Now I have a strong reason to go meditate for 2 hours)

Today I failed to steer clear of PMO. I will keep you guys posted on how the situation evolves perhaps once or twice a week.

X
 
Hey XC43, Welcome to the Nation, it's wonderful for you to have joined us. You spoke of not feeling like meditating or doing some of the things you had planned. That's perfectly natural as an addict whose just gone off the p, so don't trouble yourself with needless worries, everything you once loved you will love again. My recommendation would be check out yourbrainonporn.com thoroughly, (I still need to do some more myself) so that you're more forgiving of yourself when urges arise and can act accordingly.

Here for you man

S.E.
 

xc43

Member
Thank you for the comment.

Summary of today: Failure.

I fail in always the same setting. I am alonish (or no one can see me for sure) and I have no clear task at mind. Or all alternatives seems tasteless. Arg. It might be as you said SE that I do not want to do what I loved simply because of P. That is a disturbing thought. Good thing is usually after failure, I had my fill and pass to something else. So I expect a good ending to this day.

X
 

xc43

Member
Summary of today : Faillure

Erh. I do not have much to say. I am an addict and my triggers are hard to avoid.

I will always try my best though. I will never stop to try. I will vanquish my own brain connections. It is never to late.

X
 

Gabe Deem

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
@xc43
I guess... this is a fight against vacuum (my only trigger lately is having nothing to do/ doing nothing planned.)

Good job on taking a step backing and finding your triggers. That will be key to recovery so you can better steer yourself away from them in the future.

A suggestion for you: Instead of thinking about a fight against a vacuum. Try thinking about it as a fight against what you desire. Deep down you desire a life of pleasure, joy, and in my opinion love. So really meditate on the fact that porn will not give you ANY of those. In fact, pleasure is the one thing that porn promises yet eventually completely takes away from you. Know this... understand this... Porn is not what you desire. Pursue what you really desire.
 

xc43

Member
@Gabe Deem
Try thinking about it as a fight against what you desire. Deep down you desire a life of pleasure, joy, and in my opinion love. So really meditate on the fact that porn will not give you ANY of those. In fact, pleasure is the one thing that porn promises yet eventually completely takes away from you. Know this... understand this... Porn is not what you desire. Pursue what you really desire.

It is a weird thought: "I fight against what I desire". I tried thinking in similar fashion before and tweaked it when it failed to be perfectly PMOproof. Hmmm. I do desire a life of pleasure, joy and love. I will go back to thinking that way since you propose it. Lately, I used to think more along the lines of: "Do not think about it,  do not even ignore it".

Summary of today : Moderate failure
P : Failure (I see P's worth as 51% of the "grade")
M: Success (so far)
O: Success (so far)

Time to do something gratifying that will bring me sustainable pleasure, joy and love.
 

Card

Member
Good luck, xc! I've struggled with that insidious idea of "having nothing to do" myself sometimes. One thing to keep in mind is that when your brain is wired right, it's a lot easier to enjoy the little things in the moment that don't necessarily have to do with "doing" anything.

For example, just sitting in a chair and looking at the room you're in. Or taking a walk outside and noting all of the simple details with your senses.
 

xc43

Member
Thanks for wishing me good luck Card.

Card said:
For example, just sitting in a chair and looking at the room you're in. Or taking a walk outside and noting all of the simple details with your senses.
That seems tough enough. I tried meditation and will go on trying just for the sake of doing something.

Summary of yesterday : Success
P : Success
M: Success
O: Success

Summary of today : Success
P : Success (so far)
M: Success (so far)
O: Success (so far)

Countdown (I aiming for 90 days ad infinitum) : 88 days left!
 

xc43

Member
Summary of March 26th : Success
P : Success
M: Success
O: Success

Summary of yesterday : Success
P : Success
M: Success
O: Success

Summary of today : Moderate failure
P : Failure
M: Success (so far)
O: Success (so far)

Moving on.

Countdown: 90 days left
 

xc43

Member
Summary of today : Success
P : Success (so far)
M: Success (so far)
O: Success (so far)

Countdown: 89 days left

I see a pattern in my watching of P, it is often on Thursday and/or Friday. The worst as therefore passed! For this week. I have lately read about implementation intentions and goal-shielding.

It is about making "if-then" plans. So in this case: IF I start looking unintentionally or intentionally at "stuff" THEN I will turn off the computer. Since I suppose I am doing that because I have nothing clear or/and planned to do on the computer.

There's actually a scientific paper on this and supposedly it helps to reach goals. Link : http://www.psych.nyu.edu/gollwitzer/08_Achtziger_Gollwitzer_Sheeran_Implem.intentions_and_sh.pdf

Going on strong,
X
 

xc43

Member
Summary of today : Failure
P : Failure
M: Failure
O: Failure

Countdown: 90 days left

The IF-THEN plan seems to work. I unintentionally looked at "stuff" yesterday and then I turned off the computer. That's cool.
X

[edited since I failed after I posted the post]
 

xc43

Member
Summary of today : Success
P : Success
M: Success
O: Success

Countdown: 89 days left

Keeping my mind on the real deal.
 

shake19

Member
xc43 hold this position. You can do this, just don't permit yourself to touch your penis and don't permit yourself for even glimpse on anything arousing - that's it. The battle is really worth fighting and you can see the results only if you stay away from this crap for long.

You can do this! Stay strong, don't fell down again!
 

xc43

Member
Summary of today : Failure
P : Failure
M: Failure
O: Failure

Countdown: 90 days left

Thank you for your inspiring words shake19. I will keep on fighting the good fight.

Due to the recent failure I came to realize this: the journey is neverending and the boat is undestructible. to stop PMO forever would take forever plus PMO does not kill me I must therefore have a victory dance every single PMO free day. Every week. Every month. Every year. In this journey with no stars to guide us, I am dropping little bread crumbs to steer me clear of storms. I am creating milestones to not lose time and energy with PMO due to a lack of desire to follow my own instructions I will never arrive to destination, I have come to accept that. I want to stop forever and sadly enough, forever is out of my reach. I shall therefore enjoy the ride to nowhere hoping this path I chose is the best. Victory dance. (if you have a better idea, shoot!)

Cheers,

[edit: I failed not watching P]
[edit2: I failed not M and O. Plus I came up with the milestone idea]
 

shake19

Member
I may not understood you clearly but I have suggestion for you: don't rationalize your relapses. There is no explanation to what you do when you PMO. Let's admit that your brain is addicted, that the self-control is weakened because of P and the only way to make it strong and free from the urges is too withstand out of PMO everyday. Do it and you will see the difference. Failing every second day doesn't lead anywhere. Look at all the guys in here, they were also deep into PMO and they could do it, they left the addiction far behind. You also can do it!
 

xc43

Member
Thank you for your words shake19. I'll try to not rationalize.

Summary of today : Success
P : Success
M: Success
O: Success

Countdown: 89 days left
 

xc43

Member
Summary of today : Moderate failure
P : Failure
M: Success (so far)
O: Success (so far)

Countdown: 90 days left
 

xc43

Member
Summary of today : Success
P : Success
M: Success
O: Success

Countdown: 88 days left

I am reader of LessWrong and lately I fell upon a technique for better self-control. It is about how being self-aware of your actions may lead to a decrease in the number of synapses or increase in the number. Basically self-awareness leads to breaking or making a habit. You can read it here : http://lesswrong.com/lw/blr/attention_control_is_critical_for/

It helped the other day when I was watching P and wanted to stop. I simply focused on the visual stimuli and the feelings in my body and then I closed the browser. It was quite something. Anyway, I am doing better. Hope you guys can take away something from my experiences.

X
 
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