Restoring my sexual health after hard-flaccid injury and battle with anxiety

Hey guys, new member here. First, a little bit about myself. I'm 21 years old and going into my senior year of college. I had a crazy libido as a kid as many of us did and first watched porn at the tender age of 10 years old. It started with just static images on my dial-up connection and moved into standard high-speed stuff as I entered middle school. I never envisioned PMO being a problem until very recently, but looking back it probably stunted my success with women from a very young age. I'm here to remedy this, restore a healthy sex life for myself, and improve my relationships not only with women, but with myself. It feels greats to finally get my thoughts down and hopefully hear some feedback.

Early years
I had a pretty typical teenage experience minus my lack of success with the opposite sex. My relationships with other guys my age were great; I was very involved in sports and got good grades. However, I very quickly grew accustomed to a lack of success with the opposite gender early on in middle school. While my friends developed awkward but working relationships with girls our age, I was the guy who had troubling socializing and found my interactions with them to be very awkward and forced. I experienced a few rejections here and there and chalked it up to being unattractive and undesirable to the opposite sex. I couldn't have been more wrong. Realistically, I probably just had an unhealthy outlook on relationships. I was also bullied by this girl over AIM chat and called gay by some of the "cool kids" and as a result, I remained quiet and developed some social inhibitions along the way as I made my way into high school.

High school and some progress
High school wasn't bad per se. I began to open up a bit more with the opposite sex and my friendships with other guys continued to flourish. I had a strong group of close friends that remained with me from grade school all the way through to graduation. I was an athlete and settled into leadership roles with my peers. However, I still had some hangups in regards to my relationships with the opposite sex. I began to converse freely with girls my age but still had that underlying fear of rejection due to my failures in middle school. I essentially didn't give myself enough credit and didn't see myself as someone who girls my age would desire to form a relationship with or even find attractive at all. I was also a typical nice guy who didn't understand the workings of a healthy two-way relationship. I sought after validation from the opposite sex because I attached my sense of self-worth to the amount of attention I got from them. I thought if I was attractive girls would come to me and I wouldn't have to be assertive and pursue them on my own. I essentially mistook a lack of assertiveness on my part for disinterest from the girls I wanted to get to know better.

Eventually as I entered the later years of high school, I had a few girls express interest in me and go out of their way to pursue me. I still didn't possess the ability to assert myself the way that I should've so those didn't really pan out too well. I was afraid to death of making a move. These girls were clearly into me, but I still had that underlying anxiety and fear of being rejected despite their clear expressions of interest. I also had no experience and was afraid of screwing up my first kiss and revealing that lack of experience. Luckily, after a few more rejections I finally was able to muster up the courage to get my first kiss at the age of 17. To be honest, it was alright but I didn't really enjoy it that much. This is what I had been missing? Not surprisingly, that relationship didn't last too long.

This whole time, I was a chronic PMO'er. I'm talking almost every day if not a few times per day of very visually stimulating PMO. I didn't realize there were any negative effects as a result of doing so. I thought it was completely normal and that everybody did it as a healthy part of their sexuality so I continued. This lead me into college, still a virgin but hopeful for the future of my relationships with the opposite sex.

Strong start, burnout, and a new low
Capitalizing on the momentum of some social success in the later years of high school, I was confident that I could form some great relationships with women in college. My social anxiety was almost non-existent and I was PMO'ing a little less than I used to. I began my college experience with a ton of extroversion and made a good handful of friends right off the bat. I got sucked into the party scene like most students and my grades faltered a bit but I was having fun. I was able to hook up with a few girls here and there when my inhibitions were low but I was still a virgin and still had an unhealthy view of sex. Then, it all went downhill when I began to get way too drunk and say stupid things that I regretted. We all do it from time to time, but I was blacking out almost every weekend and saying some pretty stupid things apparently. It was hard for me to control my drinking habits. This produced a lot of anxiety for me, especially if I hooked up with a girl who I didn't know very well. I also began to smoke incomprehensible amounts of weed and this increased my anxiety. I began to retreat back into my shell and stayed in the dorms a little too much.

One night, I was at a party and drank this concoction from a water cooler and got extremely drunk. This girl from my class who was also there recognized me and said the typical "Hey! You're in my class" and we got to talking. She was expressing heavy interest in me but I reckon she was drunk as well. I continued to drink heavily and don't remember much of the exchange. I proceeded to leave the party with her and we walked back to my dorm room. This is where everything got hazy to say the least. I remember trying to kiss her outside the building but don't remember if I did or not. It's just a feeling I had when I woke up, like OH SHIT I think I tried to kiss that girl from my class. I'm like 80% sure she kissed me back briefly and 20% sure she pulled back. I obviously didn't force anything. I really have no idea because it's so fuzzy. Then I looked at my phone the next morning because I had gotten her number earlier in the night. I had sent her a text after we had the exchange and parted ways and told her to come back to the dorm building.. I was super embarrassed and annoyed with myself because she obviously didn't respond. Now I had to face her in class and I didn't know how I was going to do that.

Anyway, I ended up having a ton of anxiety leading up to the class and just decided I was way too nervous to talk to her about what had happened or at all for that matter. I was afraid even she wouldn't remember what happened but she would have that creepy ass text I sent her on her phone. I was ashamed so I completely avoided her. Didn't even make eye contact with her for the rest of the semester but I was sure that her friend was giving me dirty looks. If only she knew I was just nervous and ashamed. I really wanted to talk to her but I just couldn't face my fears. This is where everything started to go downhill.

Another thing happened with this other girl who I was talking to that still traumatizes me to this day almost 3 years later. I'll spare the details but essentially I said something while I was super baked by accident that got misconstrued as creepy when I really meant it as something else. At this point I was afraid of garnering a reputation as a creep and began to develop lots of social anxiety.

I continued to drink heavily 2-3 times per week and stayed inside my dorm a lot during the week smoking weed and playing video games. My social life was still OK at this point but I had more anxiety than ever which wasn't fun. I remedied this with even more alcohol. At this point I was consistently getting black out drunk (15+ drinks) up to 3 times per week. Yes, I was a beast and my tolerance was godlike! Other than that though it was just a shitty way to live my life. My PMO'ing was back in full force as well. I began to work out less and less and got into bad shape. Sophomore year came around and this behavior got even worse. I was able to have a few one night stands but each and every time I was too drunk to get it up. Coupled with my PMO'ing, this was inevitable. It conditioned me to fear sexual experiences and develop full fledged performance anxiety. Then, one day things went terribly awry..

During one of my long PMO sessions I accidentally twisted my junk too hard and initially just experienced a loss of sensitivity. However, I woke up the next day and couldn't get an erection over 50% EQ. My penis also felt detached from my body and when I was able to get semi-hard the base was super loose and floppy. I didn't feel any sensation with my erections. I could only get hard using porn coupled with manual stimulation. The worst part was the hard flaccid. I had 24/7 hard flaccid/shrinkage and couldn't remedy it. When I ejaculated my pelvic floor would spasm uncontrollably and the hard flaccid would be 10x worse for the next week. I also had seminal leakage 30 minutes after PMO'ing and an urge to urinate directly after ejaculation. I quickly fell into a severe depression.


Coupled with my injury and depression, I developed a full-blown anxiety disorder and was afraid to leave my apartment. I couldn't walk down the street without thinking people were staring at me and laughing at me. I had full blown panic attacks during presentations and was ashamed and embarrassed of myself. I continued to drink heavily on the weekends because it was the only time during the week that I would feel any sense of humanity left in me. I began to get violent when I drank and began getting in fights with other students and calling women nasty names. I hated everything about myself at this point in my life and I withdrew into my own little world of video games and lifting weights. The crazy part is I was in the best shape of my life this whole time. Mentally however, I was on the verge of offing myself. My life was literally miserable.

This behavior lasted for 4 months or so until I decided that I needed to take control of my bad habits and begin trying to turn my life around. Amazingly, my grades were still decent as I've always been disciplined when it comes to academics. I went home for the holidays and was able to limit my drinking habits for awhile. I started to feel a little better but was still plagued by PMO and my injury.

While my story doesn't end here, I'm going to take a break from writing and revisit this post tomorrow. I'll end up covering what happened from my low point to the present day 1.5 years later. Stay tuned and thanks for reading.
 
P

prozilla

Guest
Perhaps AA would be something to look into for the drinking. Last time I got drunk I broke my jaw, that taught me quickly why I needed to stop, and I had 8 weeks to think about it wired shut.
 
I can relate to what you were going thru with girls. I had full blown anxiety, low self esteem, even thou I was doing okay on the outside, inside I was falling apart. Looking forward to the rest of your story.
 
Thanks for the kind replies guys.
willtochange said:
What a rough start but can't wait to hear how far you've come since then.
Yes, it was quite a dark time in my life. I have made some great progress though and look forward to sharing that as well.
prozilla said:
Perhaps AA would be something to look into for the drinking. Last time I got drunk I broke my jaw, that taught me quickly why I needed to stop, and I had 8 weeks to think about it wired shut.
AA is definitely something I considered. The difference for me is that I don't ever crave alcohol or feel the need to self-medicate anymore. It was more so a social thing that got out of control for me once I was surrounded by other binge drinkers. I'll talk in more detail about my recovery in my next post so stay tuned.

I'm glad you were able to rethink the negative choices in your your life and seek help though my man. It's a tough step to take but a necessary one. You should check out the r/stopdrinking community on reddit for some moral support outside of AA. I know that helped me when I was seeking to limit my intake of alcohol. Best wishes with continued sobriety.
numbandstuck said:
I can relate to what you were going thru with girls. I had full blown anxiety, low self esteem, even thou I was doing okay on the outside, inside I was falling apart. Looking forward to the rest of your story.
Glad you were able to relate. That's often the biggest struggle to go through. When you seem okay on the outside but keep all of your insecurities bottled up with no one to talk it over with. That's why keeping a journal on here is great. There is very little pressure due to the anonymous nature of the boards and it's always great to know there are others going through what we're struggling with. Stay tuned
 
Part 2 of my story/background: Up to present day
Starting where we left off, I began to form better habits and my anxiety began to wear off as I entered my junior year of college. Although it was definitely still there to an extent I was able to form a  human connection again with people and made a few new friends along the way. I didn't mention this in the last post, but I was also a chronic tobacco user in the form of chew during this low point of my life. It was causing sleep problems and my sleep schedule began to veer off track which led to really bad fatigue issues. I couldn't stay awake in class to save my life.

I finally decided I needed to quit chew and limit my drinking so I decided to go cold turkey on both for awhile. After a year or so of struggling to do so, I was able to quit chew completely and limit my drinking to 10 or less drinks per week. The good news is my hard flaccid was getting better and I was limiting my PMO to once or twice a week. The longer I abstained the better my sexual health got, but as soon as I relapsed I would have the spasms during ejaculation again and I would be back at square one. I would occasionally get 70% EQ morning wood and random erections would return after two weeks of abstinence. I would always fall back into the trap though because I convinced myself I was healthy enough to go back to regular PMO'ing. I also had one sexual encounter with a girl who asked me out on a date but I wasn't able to maintain a rigid enough erection to engage in penetrative sex. I was able to get semi-hard which was a step in the right direction. I was close to finally losing my virginity after a handful of failed experiences.

This was around the time I discovered the information on YBOP and reddit's Nofap subreddit. I also visited a urologist during this time but he said everything was fine. I have a varicocele as well but it doesn't give me any pain and he said that my issues were all in my head. I refused to believe that this was so but I'm convinced now that the stress definitely contributed to my condition and didn't help it at all. As I became more conscious of my health and the effects certain substances had on my body, I realized that my body wasn't processing alcohol correctly. I would have 5 day long hangovers as a result of consuming minute quantities of alcohol. These hangovers manifested themselves in extreme fatigue, anxiety, shortness of breath, watery eyes, and symptoms of a common cold. I decided it was finally time to tell my doctor about all these issues and get a full panel done to find out what was going on.

I had a full metabolic panel taken and my testosterone levels checked because I was worried my varicocele was causing low testosterone. The good news with this is that my testosterone levels were not only ideal; they were in the high range at 960. Thank god. I guess this wasn't much of a surprise as I've never had any issues with gaining muscle. The bad news was that my vitamin D levels, a hormone-like substance that your body gets naturally from exposure to the sun, were extremely low at 20. The normal range for vitamin D is 30-100. I presume this was due to the hermit lifestyle I lived during my struggle with depression. Alcoholism is also known to contribute to vitamin D deficiency. I was immediately told to get 20-30 minutes of direct exposure to sunlight every day and to supplement with 5,000 IU of vitamin D per day. This was 2 months ago and I've been doing this every day since.

Life today isn't too bad. I feel 10x better than I did even 3 months ago. While my depression comes and goes, I'm able to function like a normal person now and I've been exercising more and more. I'm able to have a few drinks casually without suffering the consequences. My personality is slowly returning to normal and I can finally relax in social situations.

So what are the next steps in my health journey and my return to normal sexual function?

Next steps

Well, along with my nutritional deficiencies I found out that I also have sinus issues so I've been trying to find a way to resolve those on top of that. Brain fog tends to be a problem from time to time and I have a feeling my sinuses may be the culprit. They're made especially bad after consuming alcohol in large quantities because the histamine release in alcohol can lead to sinus inflammation. I picked up some antihistamines and sinus nose spray the other day which should help with sleep and congestion. I also supplement with vitamin B12 whenever I feel the need to have a few drinks socially because it's known to relieve hangover symptoms and control my sinus issues. It seems to be working so far so I've decided to keep at it.

Something I also didn't mention before is another medical condition I've been suffering from since I was about 16 years old. I never went to the doctors about it back then because I was so active and healthy that it didn't affect me much. However, around a year ago I was diagnosed with a rare spinal condition called Sheuermann's Kyphosis which is essentially a permanent hunchback posture. It developed during an adolescent growth spurt of mine during which the vertebrae in my back wedged together and formed an exaggerated curve in my upper back. Everyone has a kyphotic curve in their upper back which typical falls in the range of 20-40 degrees. After some x-rays, mine fell into the category of 62 degrees which is well above the normal range. I also have some insecurities related to the cosmetic look of my back but that's the least of my worries for now. I would like to have those resolved eventually though. My deformed spine was causing me severe muscle tightness in my hamstrings and pelvic area and I experience some back pain during long periods of standing or sitting. My doctor sent me to a physical therapist and I went for two months to sort out my muscular and postural imbalances. This helped me tremendously and I'm much more flexible and the pain is now manageable. The only other option to remedy this condition is invasive spinal fusion surgery which I will be considering in the coming months. I have seen a surgeon and we have agreed to revisit this possibility in 6 months time after I continue physical therapy and rehabilitation.

The reason I'm mentioning the spinal issues is because I believe they're contributing to my hard-flaccid and erection problems. I have severe APT (anterior pelvic tilt) and other postural issues that can be sorted out to an extent with PT but will never truly be remedied without surgery. These postural issues are causing me some tightness in my pelvic region and have led me to believe that my hard-flaccid recovery is being impacted by it. Maybe I will post some pictures of my spine in a future post so you guys can see how it's impacting my posture negatively. While I wait out the decision to pursue surgery I might as well continue PT and work on relieving tightness in my pelvic floor region. Hopefully, along with abstaining from PMO, this will help sort out some of my erection and libido issues. So, without further ado, here's my plan for the next 6 months:

-Take up mindfulness meditation to sort out my underlying psychological issues and brain fog
-Monitor my sinus issues and remedy them as needed
-Limit alcohol intake to no more than 6 drinks a night at a maximum of 2 nights a week. Social only
-Continue to abstain from chewing tobacco
-Continue to supplement with vitamin D and get outside as much as possible
-Do physical therapy stretches a few times a week and look into pelvic floor exercises
-Stay active by jogging at least 2 miles/day at 3-4 times/week
-Abstain completely from PMO, but jump on any sexual opportunities that may arise in order to recondition myself psychologically

That's about it. I'll continue to talk about my health in more detail on here and will hopefully be posting a few times a week to keep you guys updated. If you would like me to go into more detail about anything that I've talked about don't hesitate to reach out. This was a very brief summary of what I've been going through for the past few years. I'll probably end up posting some of my pelvic floor exercise routines once I do the required research or find a good resource. I'm sure many of you would benefit from relieving some tension in that area, especially if you're prone to hard flaccid.
 
I relapsed on PMO last night while drunk after returning from a party. That's the bad news.

Good news is I felt some pleasure at least rather than just a release. I managed to semi-control my pelvic floor spasms when I ejaculated as well. Still had some contractions however. Back to square one I guess..today I have some really bad HF like I always do a few days after ejaculating. Morning wood was starting to return before I relapsed as well. Tightness in my pelvic floor was still preventing me from achieving a working erection during that time.

I wish I just had a working member because there are so many beautiful girls on campus that I would love to get to know better. It seems like college kids are only interested in pursuing a relationship if there's sex involved though. And I'm just deathly afraid of not being able to get it up and being laughed at for my small shriveled hard flaccid penis. It's already happened like four times minus the laughing part. Very embarrassing though to say the least. It just sucks big time knowing I'm wasting away my college years all because my dick doesn't work. I just want to have a connection with the opposite sex.

I think I need to get past these mental obstacles so I'm going to try some meditation to relieve myself of stress. I suspect stress is most likely contributing to my HF as well. A stressed body is an unhealthy body, especially when we're talking about the pelvic floor.

I need to get back on track with my restorative exercises because I'm starting to tighten up all over my body again. Having a straight spine would be nice too but I have to wait for that surgery. Going to start running again 3-4 times a week. I'm going to go do my first run of the week after I write this.

I managed to relieve my sinus issues for the time being and improve my sleep by taking 25mg of Benadryl. My nose feels clearer than it has in years. Going to keep taking that when I feel stuffed up or have watery eyes and other allergy symptoms.

I noticed that I get kind of antsy and easily agitated when I don't PMO for a few days. I just need to power through that. If I relapse again I'm going to get a porn blocker for my phone and computer.

That's about it for today. I found a great blog that has some info on healing HF. The guy on there had the same symptoms as I did and he sounds like he knows his stuff. Going to be reading up on there as much as I can and applying his methods and seeing where it goes. He is a proponent of meditation, restorative exercise, and other such techniques for healing your HF. Basically, he covers all the bases. Neurological issues, physiological, psychological, etc. You need to fix all of these to truly return to your prime sexual health.

Minor setback here guys. No biggie. Going to stay positive and keep pushing. I'm never giving up on this. It's a matter of life or death for me now.
 
Lately some days have been ups, some have been downs. I have days where I feel a sense of happiness overwhelm me for no reason which is a good sign. This is usually after abstaining from PMO for extended periods of time. Other days I will have this inexplicable sense of anxiety and fatigue. Something just doesn't feel right and I can't connect with people or seize control of my emotions. My moods are very bipolar in nature.

Last night this was the case. I went to a party and just couldn't find any drive to talk to people, even friends. I felt legitimately lifeless emotionally. Then a girl I sort of knew came up to me and patronized me by asking "if I was having fun" (do I LOOK like I'm having fun??) and I got really depressed. I truly did try to have fun but my brain wouldn't let me no matter how positive I was. Then I almost got in a fight at a bar with this frat dude type and went home and binged on food and drugs. This tends to happen if I go out drinking with the wrong mindset or on an off day. I PMO'd like crazy the day before and I think that's why my mood was so terrible. So I'm making a pact to never touch that shit again. I've had enough. Also, my friends were talking about their sexual experiences and all the girls they've had experience with and I had nothing to contribute minus a few unfulfilling failed hookups. It made me feel like I was missing out on something great, which I probably am. Hopefully I can look forward to having similar experiences and that can help drive the recovery process.

The thing with these types of nights where I have no emotions whatsoever is that my anxiety is rampant, but I'll go out and do/say reckless things without giving a shit. I'll go up to random people on the street and fuck with them and get in fights but I can't say hello to a person I know. It's really weird and probably OCD-related anxiety.

Okay, now for some positive stuff. On the flip side, last weekend (the shitty stuff happened this weekend) I was in a really good mood one night dancing with friends and girls and having a jolly time. Making friends with random people. Some guy even gave me a free beer for being so jolly and friendly. Then a girl came up to me and said her friend was "all about it" and I talked to her friend for awhile who was very shy but I got her number. I know I'm a good looking guy because this has happened multiple times to me where a girl's friend will give me a lay up but I'm too ashamed about my sexual dysfunction that I never pursue it. Then the girl loses interest or thinks I don't like her when that's usually not the case.

Recently, I went about a week without porn and had a conversation with this girl who was hanging out at my apartment. Her friend bounced with my other friend and we were left alone. We talked for about 2 hours straight and it was the first full-fledged conversation I've had with a member of the opposite sex in awhile minus some old friends from high school. It felt kind of good even though the girl was kind of annoying. I was in a decent mind state and she described me as a "calm" person. I felt semi-anxious but for some reason came off as calm to her. I probably could have made a move on her but I really wasn't feeling too much of a libido so I didn't want to rush things.

As for my hard flaccid, I figured out that I have a horrible cramp in my PC muscles. When I activate my lower abdominal muscles and lean back I can feel a cramp right below my unit and it extends all the way to my anus which would explain my constipation and the spasms I have when I orgasm. I need to do some pelvic floor exercises but haven't gotten around to formulating a plan. It's definitely something I'm going to get on top of right away. Hopefully I can work it out despite my postural issues.

I might try to post every day from now on, or just share mini-successes or things on my mind. This was hard to write in such a large chunk and I probably left out a lot of fluff that I would otherwise be able to capture.

By the way, I relapsed on Thursday, 9/8 so I've been porn free for 2 days now. I tend to relapse when I tell myself that I'll only take a quick peek at something when in reality that turns into a full-fledged relapse without fail.

Tomorrow I will watch some football with friends, go for a run, do some schoolwork, and formulate my HF recovery exercise routine.

Until next time.
 
Top