Here we fucking go.

bobbyperu

Active Member
So I've been suffering from PIED for roughly around 4 years now but I've only recently discovered that my issue was indeed PIED after stumbling upon Gabe's youtube channel. Honestly I can't even express how much relief I felt to discover that I wasn't alone in this struggle, having felt completely hopeless and that this is the state I would remain in for the rest of my life, some kind of sexless and introverted weirdo.

It's actually taken quite a lot of courage to even come to the point of starting this journal but I realised that that was part of the problem, keeping everything to myself, by starting this journal it opens up a dialogue for me to have with other people who are going through the same shit I am, which would be insanely beneficial to me because I really don't feel like I could talk to my mates about this. So whoever is reading this, you're the first person I've shared my issue with, congratulations.

Currently I haven't actually watched porn in about a month and I already feel my thoughts becoming more focused, my mind no longer feels like a gutter, my attention span is improving, I feel more motivated. I've still been frequently masturbating which I feel is a big issue for me because I've been utilising what a lot of people refer to as the "death grip" so I've also been significantly desensitised to touch as well.

As it stands at the minute, I haven't jacked off in 7 days, I'm feeling like this is the real start of my journey because I don't think I will gain any real benefit unless I abstain from porn (forever obviously) and from masturbation.
Tomorrow the girl I've been seeing is going to stay over my house and while this does absolutely fill me with anxiety, I feel as though I need to give myself a shot and see what happens, maybe I'll be able to have sex, maybe it'll be the worst experience of my life, who knows, only one way to find out.

I'll let you know what happens after tomorrow, cheers for reading guys, best of luck on your journey to becoming a better person.
 

sunny1219

Active Member
brother just remember if you're about to relapse.... just go outside and take in the air and relax!!! or have a cold shower.. i have added extra net shield so i dont end up browsing porn and just add a counter on here... it helps me stay on track and motivates me
 

bobbyperu

Active Member
sunjim100 said:
brother just remember if you're about to relapse.... just go outside and take in the air and relax!!! or have a cold shower.. i have added extra net shield so i dont end up browsing porn and just add a counter on here... it helps me stay on track and motivates me

Thank you for your support mate, obviously in my more frenzied moments bordering on a relapse it's hard to remind myself to get out of that situation. Fortunately I no longer relate my laptop with porn, it's never something that crosses my mind while I'm online (at the minute anyway).
 

bobbyperu

Active Member
Day 8

So I've woke up incredibly anxious at the prospect of not being able to sexually perform later today. I should explain that I've actually attempted to have sex with 3 different people within the past few months and all of them have been a complete disaster, totally killing my confidence. I have no idea why I expect today to be any different or why I've even put myself in this situation yet again, I'm absolutely not ready.
Wouldn't it be fucking great if you could just explain to someone what your situation is and they would accept you without any judgement or prejudice. I guess my biggest fear is making someone feel like they aren't attractive or that I don't want to have sex with them. This is the most frustrating part of my situation because with this girl specifically, I really really fucking like her, honestly she's great, normally it takes me a while to actually let myself develop feelings for someone but everything has came so naturally and so fast with her. I just hope if things do go awry today she isn't repulsed by me. I can't keep myself locked away from the world forever though, I still feel as though hanging out with her is going to be beneficial.
 

bobbyperu

Active Member
Day 9

So we didn't have sex, I stopped anything from progressing beyond kissing because I just knew nothing would happen, seriously I feel like a complete zombie, maybe this is what a flatline feels like? However something kinda great happened, I explained my situation to her, not the full extent but I just took a shot half to save myself the embarrassment and half because I can't keep trying to get with girls and failing, I need to break the cycle. She was totally accepting and understanding and I felt some kind of elevation after telling her, she's literally the first person I've told about any of my issues and it honestly felt great to get it off my mind. She said she appreciated my honesty and that I didn't have to worry about anything with her. Those words mean a lot more than she knows.
Still, the thought still looms of how frustrating it is to lie with a beautiful woman like her who I'm insanely attracted to yet still feel nothing, hopefully that passes, we're taking things slow, she's pretty great.
 

bobbyperu

Active Member
Day 10

I jacked off last night, not to porn which is cool but I still kinda hate myself for giving in this early and having to reset the counter. Right now this entire process feels completely insurmountable, I feel like I'm at the bottom again and I've gotta wait so long to get to where I was before I fucked it up yesterday. Sometimes the thought lingers in my mind that this is all for nothing, that nothing is going to change and I'm going to feel like a sexless zombie for the rest of my life. I'm staying at that girl's house next week and I feel anxious just thinking about it. I need to find some good head space, clear my mind, set myself back on track. All I can think about it how much I want to have sex with her but how scared I am that it won't work.
 

bobbyperu

Active Member
Day 11

I guess the hardest part about this whole process is how little of any kind of emotion I feel. Seriously I feel like I've had all of my emotions drained out of me completely, is anyone else reading this feeling the same? I feel as though I'm just drifting from day to day, my most palpable emotion is sadness, that seems to be overriding most things. I randomly started crying at work the other day which was pretty fucked up. I guess it's good that I even feel sad though, for the past month I haven't even been able to cry.

I realise that this is a pretty big diversion from the semi- positive post a few days back but I just feel like I've taken a turn for the worst.
 

bobbyperu

Active Member
Day 13

I'm starting to feel a little bit like a human being again, I feel glimmers of emotion coming back to me. Perhaps I'm coming out of a flatline? I also woke up with a steel hard on yesterday morning that I practically had to beat with a stick to get it to go down, I felt like a teenager again.
It's been a good few days.
 

bobbyperu

Active Member
Day 14

I have the fucking biggest urge to jack off today, I haven't had this feeling in a long time and it actually feels good, while it's going to take a lot of will power to not jack off I miss having sexual impulses. I'm still two days away from seeing my girl so I don't want to ruin anything yet but I feel at this rate i'd cum in two seconds if we did end up having sex
 
Hey man, sounds like your progress is having a good effect. Don't let yourself feel so low about giving in to the pressure every now and then, everyone has their limits and all have to go at their own pace. Just make sure you keep going thereafter! Which you're doing anyway, so yeah, nice one.
 

bobbyperu

Active Member
Relinquished-Fist said:
Hey man, sounds like your progress is having a good effect. Don't let yourself feel so low about giving in to the pressure every now and then, everyone has their limits and all have to go at their own pace. Just make sure you keep going thereafter! Which you're doing anyway, so yeah, nice one.

Thank you for your encouragement mate :) I do need to learn to not be so hard on myself for giving in, so long as I don't masturbate to porn
 

bobbyperu

Active Member
Day 16

Not much to report today, I still have an outrageous urge to jack off, I assume this can only be a good thing though because to be honest I haven't had the urge for a while, it got to the point where I would only masturbate out of habit rather than because I desired it, same with porn, I would only watch it because that was what I was used to doing.
Staying at my girl's house tomorrow, I'm more excited than nervous now, she really puts me at ease.
 

bobbyperu

Active Member
Day 20

Okay so I actually managed to have sex a few days ago which is a huge fucking triumph, however, I still kind of felt like it was missing something, like I was just sort of going through the motions. This might have been due to wearing a condom which historically has been absolutely disastrous for me but despite that I actually managed to cum, which I've never been able to do while wearing one.
Me and my girl are also official now, which is both horrifying and exciting. Horrifying because I'll have to reveal more of my problem to her and exciting because I feel as though she could bring me round from this PIED rut.

Still no urges to watch porn.
 

bobbyperu

Active Member
Day 21

So far this entire process just feels like a cycle, I go through such a flurry of ever-changing emotions. Some days I'm outrageously optimistic, I can envision myself being sexually stable and happy with myself, but all too often I just feel a heavy gloom hanging over me, like I'm going to be stuck this way forever. I try to never compare myself to other people because I know nothing good ever comes of it but for fuck sake I just wish I was "normal".
 

bobbyperu

Active Member
Day 23

Well I've just jacked off and I'm pretty angry with myself, it wasn't to porn which was good but this means my libido will probably be none existent for the next few days at least and my girlfriend is staying over tomorrow, getting some pretty fierce anxiety already. Back to square one basically.

Also my ejaculate was incredibly gelatinous which was gross. Have any of you guys experienced this too?
 

Farmer1016

Active Member
Don't feel hopeless. It's not a hopeless situation. Not at all.

I suffered with PIED for over ten years. Didn't have sex with my wife for ten years. At all. Completely lost interest because of the frustration of PIED issues that I inflicted upon myself. My complete journal is here if you're interested: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=10511.0

I tried everything I knew to do. ED meds, herbal remedies, exercise, improved diet. Visits to the doctor being poked and prodded and felt up. The whole works. Nothing helped me. I was caught up in a combination of PIED, performance anxiety, overwhelming frustration that led to, you guessed it, a completely limp noodle. And, with every failure, the cycle became more and more vicious and seemingly inescapable.

I could get hard as a post in front of a screen though. And I indulged myself. I was a connoisseur. Daily or every other day at the least. Sometimes morning and night.

The gulf between my bride an I seemed as insurmountable and impossible to fix as the bedroom issues. I was depressed, frustrated and, at times, resigned to the fact that I'd be an incomplete man for the rest of my life.

Then one day stumbled upon a news article about PIED. I read it with tears streaming down my face because I was horrified to learn that all of this unhappiness and frustration was self-inflicted.

Just a few months later, I'm able to have relations with my bride again. It's not perfect yet and I'm not totally recovered. But, there's hope. There's finally some light in the darkness that had engulfed me.

You're NOT hopeless. You CAN fix this. You just need to get your mind into a better place.

Don't dwell on the past unless you've come up with some previously unknown way that you can fix that.

When you're with her, focus on that moment. Immerse yourself in the experience. Dismiss the distractions of the world. Don't think about anything. Except that moment. Don't worry about how your body is going to respond. There are lots of ways to enjoy one another that go beyond an erection. If you can do those things, chances are you'll both be very pleased with the results.

Believe me, it works. I'm living proof.

Focus and concentrate your efforts on the future. You CAN beat this thing. You CAN do it. If a person like myself can defeat it after ten years of wandering in misery, you can most certainly do it.

Focus on your goal. Concentrate on how to get there. Find positive activities which will allow you to divert your attention during times when you are tempted. Exercise. Walking. Swimming. Gardening. Going to the gym. Anything to help you divert your focus, expend some energy and improve your state of mind.

You can do it. No doubt about it. You just have to tackle it.

One hour at a time. One day at a time.
 

bobbyperu

Active Member
Farmer1016 said:
Don't feel hopeless. It's not a hopeless situation. Not at all.

I suffered with PIED for over ten years. Didn't have sex with my wife for ten years. At all. Completely lost interest because of the frustration of PIED issues that I inflicted upon myself. My complete journal is here if you're interested: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=10511.0

I tried everything I knew to do. ED meds, herbal remedies, exercise, improved diet. Visits to the doctor being poked and prodded and felt up. The whole works. Nothing helped me. I was caught up in a combination of PIED, performance anxiety, overwhelming frustration that led to, you guessed it, a completely limp noodle. And, with every failure, the cycle became more and more vicious and seemingly inescapable.

I could get hard as a post in front of a screen though. And I indulged myself. I was a connoisseur. Daily or every other day at the least. Sometimes morning and night.

The gulf between my bride an I seemed as insurmountable and impossible to fix as the bedroom issues. I was depressed, frustrated and, at times, resigned to the fact that I'd be an incomplete man for the rest of my life.

Then one day stumbled upon a news article about PIED. I read it with tears streaming down my face because I was horrified to learn that all of this unhappiness and frustration was self-inflicted.

Just a few months later, I'm able to have relations with my bride again. It's not perfect yet and I'm not totally recovered. But, there's hope. There's finally some light in the darkness that had engulfed me.

You're NOT hopeless. You CAN fix this. You just need to get your mind into a better place.

Don't dwell on the past unless you've come up with some previously unknown way that you can fix that.

When you're with her, focus on that moment. Immerse yourself in the experience. Dismiss the distractions of the world. Don't think about anything. Except that moment. Don't worry about how your body is going to respond. There are lots of ways to enjoy one another that go beyond an erection. If you can do those things, chances are you'll both be very pleased with the results.

Believe me, it works. I'm living proof.

Focus and concentrate your efforts on the future. You CAN beat this thing. You CAN do it. If a person like myself can defeat it after ten years of wandering in misery, you can most certainly do it.

Focus on your goal. Concentrate on how to get there. Find positive activities which will allow you to divert your attention during times when you are tempted. Exercise. Walking. Swimming. Gardening. Going to the gym. Anything to help you divert your focus, expend some energy and improve your state of mind.

You can do it. No doubt about it. You just have to tackle it.

One hour at a time. One day at a time.

Thank you so much for these words man, this is honestly what I needed to hear. You're a very inspirational dude
 
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