Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal

Deuce26

Member
You have an interesting take on your situation. He seems to be quite the ass in requesting his take on what your "divorce" should look like. His life will change as much as yours will, there is no mistaking that.

Manopause.....mid life crisis....I've heard those terms before. I'm not sure if I believe in them so much as it is everyone's own life path and journey that shapes them.

I get a sporty car not because my life is in crisis, but because I can finally afford and enjoy one. And I don't think I am compensating for anything. And if my little guy doesn't meet expectations, I have hands and a mouth that can serve amicably in the mid to later innings when my staring pitcher isn't giving his best stuff. And maybe he is the same way, but he can't express his true self and intentions because he isn't there yet. Maybe he is suffering from menopause and trying to regain his youth to match his experience and wants. I think it's more that he can't man up to his changing self and to talk to someone about it.

Maybe he couldn't express himself when he was vulnerable as a child to his closest female influence, his mom. Or he was told that if he had a problem, that he needed to try to solve the problem himself and to not get all emotional because that wasn't becoming of a man.

Or maybe, just maybe, I am talking about me.....and my experience, and how watching porn meant I could get off without having to interact with a woman because that would mean feeling vulnerable, and that ain't no way to act with a woman. A man is supposed to be strong and have all of the answers and act in a behavior becoming to a man and can earn a woman's respect.

It doesn't always work that way, and being a man means being vulnerable to the one's he loves the most. And I am discovering that and finding that it makes me feel good even if it means others do not. At least the story is out there.

D
 
S

SO Reboot Partner

Guest
Deuce26 said:
You have an interesting take on your situation. He seems to be quite the ass in requesting his take on what your "divorce" should look like. His life will change as much as yours will, there is no mistaking that.

Manopause.....mid life crisis....I've heard those terms before. I'm not sure if I believe in them so much as it is everyone's own life path and journey that shapes them.

I get a sporty car not because my life is in crisis, but because I can finally afford and enjoy one. And I don't think I am compensating for anything. And if my little guy doesn't meet expectations, I have hands and a mouth that can serve amicably in the mid to later innings when my staring pitcher isn't giving his best stuff. And maybe he is the same way, but he can't express his true self and intentions because he isn't there yet. Maybe he is suffering from menopause and trying to regain his youth to match his experience and wants. I think it's more that he can't man up to his changing self and to talk to someone about it.

Maybe he couldn't express himself when he was vulnerable as a child to his closest female influence, his mom. Or he was told that if he had a problem, that he needed to try to solve the problem himself and to not get all emotional because that wasn't becoming of a man.

Or maybe, just maybe, I am talking about me.....and my experience, and how watching porn meant I could get off without having to interact with a woman because that would mean feeling vulnerable, and that ain't no way to act with a woman. A man is supposed to be strong and have all of the answers and act in a behavior becoming to a man and can earn a woman's respect.

It doesn't always work that way, and being a man means being vulnerable to the one's he loves the most. And I am discovering that and finding that it makes me feel good even if it means others do not. At least the story is out there.

D

Yeah, I'm not really buying into the midlife crisis thing either. I think I was still looking for "why?" when that answer doesn't exist. He's got problems, but this bitch ain't one.

He really does not believe his life will change much after divorce. That seems to be the theme. He hasn't changed and I want him to change. Huh? The porn and fantasy has disconnected him, allowed him to meet his needs without me. In his mind, he's already divorced - going through the courts is just fulfilling what he's already done virtually - removing me from his world. He is doing everything he can to minimize the changes in his world, or at least the appearance of changes. He does have a false sense of self that is fed by the appearance of certain "things" - car, fancy watch, good-looking kids, blond secretary. I was on that list as long as I turned my paycheck over to him so he could appear more successful. (He doesn't like to talk about this, I don't either simply because of how stupid it was.)

To be so smart, I am very foolish. Just a statement of fact here, not something to sweat over.

Part of my healing has been disconnecting myself from the codependency. That is to say, stop enabling him, walking on eggshells, making excuses, feeding his ego, digesting his feelings/mood as my own. It has been hard, while living in the same house, but I see results. I have dreams again! My dreams, not attached to him or that false self of him - I'm accepting the reality of the situation. I'm seeing a future vision of myself. I'm a better mom. I see how I will live, thrive, love and trust again. I'm taking steps to get there. I'm more ME everyday.

I am not completely lost. I have mad, crazy, marketable skills. Even with the five year gap in my resume - I'm getting some nice action on the employment front. I will be able to choose, not just settle, thankfully. I have my business act together - and let's be clear, he did NOTHING to help me get that or create an "appearance" of success. I have my own credit, own connections, a self that is real and EARNED.

I have engaged a lawyer.
I'm feeling done with therapy.
I've made a tax impact list.
I have the love and support of my family. They have my back.
I have a vision and understanding of the reality.
I'm done crying.
I'm going to be fine.


 
S

SO Reboot Partner

Guest
During the Holidays, I set up a jigsaw puzzle (or two) on the dining room table. The family challenge is to complete the puzzles before the Holiday meal.

Everyone takes part in finding shapes and related color/patterns that fit together making a whole picture come into focus. Every family member has a different way of approaching the puzzle, different insights into finding a solution. Some look at the end result - the picture printed on the box - and try to find where pieces might fit together. Others will study the yin of puzzle shapes and intensely look for the corresponding yang. Still others will make color piles of pieces so the set of possible solutions for a given fit are easily identified. There are other tricks and methods, all different and unique, to approach the re-building of the whole.

Rebuilding a relationship, returning to wholeness, is a lot like working that puzzle. Only differences are that the end picture is missing or had coffee spilled on it, some pieces are missing and maybe a few critical corner pieces got gnawed on by the puppy and maybe there were two or three puzzles in that ziplock bag, not just one.

A pre-owned family, like a yard-sale puzzle, is a lot harder to put together than starting out with a new puzzle, straight from the store.

I think with the PMO it is clear we were working the puzzle off of two different box tops and neither of those matched the puzzle pieces.
 
S

SO Reboot Partner

Guest
Life right now is pretty miserable.

He definitely wants a divorce, citing that I "just make him feel bad" and he's tired of it. If I stand up for myself in the slightest way, I'm making him feel bad or living in the past.

He did let me know that I've "helped" HIS BUSINESS (found the location, negotiated lease, setup IT/data management, decorated, oversaw renovations, perform janitorial services, designed his stationary, done all the accounting, administrative tasks, billing, banking, established an internet presence and I answer the phone) but that he really needs someone blonder/younger because in his twisted mind it shows the world he's more successful.

Unwinding the codependency, I understand there is no such thing as quid pro quo or empathy in this relationship. I have been supporting his false sense of self for many years without ever realizing it. As long as he was able to see that I was bolstering that vision of himself, I would be given the tiniest morsel of affection and attention to keep me going. I think my false self (the codependent) was a way to rationalize treatment from him most women would not tolerate.

He's exploited some thin business relationships to poop on my legal representation. I'm back to looking for a lawyer due to professional conflict of interest. Yippee, more life lessons.

I'm ready to grab a pot and wooden spoon and just hog-call in the whores to come get this man out of my life. "Come-an-git-'im Ladies!"
 

chiefmitch88

Active Member
Glad to hear you are learning to stand on your own. If he's lucky he might wake up in a few years when he is at the exact same point in his relationship with a different woman. When the novelty of sex wears off or when he can't get it up no matter how blonde or young she is. Some people just aren't able to accept the common denominator in their series of unhealthy relationships - THEMSELVES!! I shudder to imagine the amount of emotional pain that addiction causes every day.

You are accepting your own faults and that is important. It means that when you are healed and all is said and done you will be the one who finds a meaningful relationship because you will be able to set boundaries that are constructive. You will not lose yourself for the sake of someone else. You will find someone to stand beside rather than constantly propping them up with little appreciation to show for the support you provide. You are doing the right thing. For all the life lessons you are receiving he is receiving many as well. He's just an addict so he can't recognize them at the moment. We ignore the lessons that life is trying to teach us because we are pacified into apathy  by our addiction. The addict inside tells us that life will be fine as long as we have our fix.

You sound like a hard worker and a dedicated partner. You have so much value! Addiction has a way of clouding our judgement and we can no longer discern the value of the people in our lives. Don't forget to care for yourself through this whole endeavor. Find an activity that fulfills you spiritually and keep yourself afloat. Hang in there SORP!



 

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
SO Reboot Partner said:
Life right now is pretty miserable.

He definitely wants a divorce, citing that I "just make him feel bad" and he's tired of it. If I stand up for myself in the slightest way, I'm making him feel bad or living in the past.

He did let me know that I've "helped" HIS BUSINESS (found the location, negotiated lease, setup IT/data management, decorated, oversaw renovations, perform janitorial services, designed his stationary, done all the accounting, administrative tasks, billing, banking, established an internet presence and I answer the phone) but that he really needs someone blonder/younger because in his twisted mind it shows the world he's more successful.

Unwinding the codependency, I understand there is no such thing as quid pro quo or empathy in this relationship. I have been supporting his false sense of self for many years without ever realizing it. As long as he was able to see that I was bolstering that vision of himself, I would be given the tiniest morsel of affection and attention to keep me going. I think my false self (the codependent) was a way to rationalize treatment from him most women would not tolerate.

He's exploited some thin business relationships to poop on my legal representation. I'm back to looking for a lawyer due to professional conflict of interest. Yippee, more life lessons.

I'm ready to grab a pot and wooden spoon and just hog-call in the whores to come get this man out of my life. "Come-an-git-'im Ladies!"
It's his loss. What a shame!
 

kaybee

Active Member
I'm praying for you too, SORP. You're not alone right now. You're a strong woman and you can handle anything life throws at you. I know your children must be very blessed to have you as a role model for them.
 
S

SO Reboot Partner

Guest
Thanks for all the good wishes. I'm really healing now, not posting much, but feeling much, much better.

Why am I mourning the loss of a relationship that included 8 or so years of unnecessary celibacy, constant emotional starvation and disconnection?

There's a pony in there somewhere*, I think, maybe not for this relationship, but perhaps for the next one.

I see so many things that I've done wrong, acts and assumptions, turning a blind eye and ignoring the signs. I am on to my own tricks now, keeping up appearances - my own narcissism of being "wife" and refusing to admit when things just aren't right, burying the shame, hiding the secret of neglect until it ruptures with toxic fury.

I am learning to communicate my boundaries. I'm learning that some of the emotional feels I once had weren't even mine. Codependents are enablers, by taking on all the doubt and self loathing.

I did this because I didn't have good boundaries. I am still learning.

*http://quoteinvestigator.com/2013/12/13/pony-somewhere/
Worried that their twin boys had developed extreme personalities ? one was a total pessimist, the other a total optimist ? their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with brand-new toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. 'What's the matter?' the psychiatrist asked, baffled. 'Don't you want to play with any of the toys?' 'Yes,' the little boy bawled, 'but if I did I'd only break them.'?

Next the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist emitted just the yelp of delight the psychiatrist had been hoping to hear from his brother, the pessimist. Then he clambered to the top of the pile, dropped to his knees, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. 'What do you think you're doing?' the psychiatrist asked, just as baffled by the optimist as he had been by the pessimist. 'With all this manure,' the little boy replied, beaming, 'there must be a pony in here somewhere!'?


 

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
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SO Reboot Partner said:
Thanks for all the good wishes. I'm really healing now, not posting much, but feeling much, much better.

Why am I mourning the loss of a relationship that included 8 or so years of unnecessary celibacy, constant emotional starvation and disconnection?

There's a pony in there somewhere*, I think, maybe not for this relationship, but perhaps for the next one.

I see so many things that I've done wrong, acts and assumptions, turning a blind eye and ignoring the signs. I am on to my own tricks now, keeping up appearances - my own narcissism of being "wife" and refusing to admit when things just aren't right, burying the shame, hiding the secret of neglect until it ruptures with toxic fury.

I am learning to communicate my boundaries. I'm learning that some of the emotional feels I once had weren't even mine. Codependents are enablers, by taking on all the doubt and self loathing.

I did this because I didn't have good boundaries. I am still learning.

*http://quoteinvestigator.com/2013/12/13/pony-somewhere/
Worried that their twin boys had developed extreme personalities ? one was a total pessimist, the other a total optimist ? their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with brand-new toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. 'What's the matter?' the psychiatrist asked, baffled. 'Don't you want to play with any of the toys?' 'Yes,' the little boy bawled, 'but if I did I'd only break them.'?

Next the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist emitted just the yelp of delight the psychiatrist had been hoping to hear from his brother, the pessimist. Then he clambered to the top of the pile, dropped to his knees, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. 'What do you think you're doing?' the psychiatrist asked, just as baffled by the optimist as he had been by the pessimist. 'With all this manure,' the little boy replied, beaming, 'there must be a pony in here somewhere!'?
I admire your attitude and optimism. When I got divorced it devastated me emotionally, but I came back from it a better man. It sounds as if you are on a good path. I'm truly sorry that your marriage hasn't worked out, but unless he's willing to grow up and assume the responsibilities of a full grown man he won't be able to hold up his end of the bargain. You strike me as a sensible and decent person, I'm sure that your future will hold much happiness.
 
S

SO Reboot Partner

Guest
Sexual or Intimacy Anorexia. I've been on an information binge again.

I know I shouldn't do this. I should be concentrating on my own self-care, not trying to figure out where everything went wrong - why did this happen? I have moments of the most profound emptiness. Searching for clues in the rubble, the forensics of passionless crimes, fills my thoughts for a time ? this footprint, this burnt wire from the ignition switch, that scrap of bent metal. I try to piece together the events that led to this implosion of a marriage.

Husband had a rage that made my joints ache hours later from the adrenaline that rushed through me. Typing this, hands tremble a bit.

I stepped over one of his ?non-emotional boundaries? and ?berated? him by pointing out that he cannot make reference to hard core p-graphic troll internet images (the kind that have name recognition) in conversations with the kids - son is 14 and daughter is 12. ("Don't look up [blank] kids! LOL You?ll be sorry if you google [blank] and have to bleach your eyes!?) He got nose to nose with me and demanded I concede to his parental authority to foul their minds with trash to normalize his own defects. I wouldn't. Stand. Down. For 15 minutes I wouldn't. He raged. Tense and In.My.Face. Never touched me, but he tried to bully me - half an inch from my nose, eyeball to eyeball. When I shifted my weight, he claimed victory and my 'concession' to his superiority. [eyeroll] It was all very un-nerving and scary and I still feel it in my body almost a week later. He defended referencing what I looked up and found to be some very disgusting imagery. ?It?s well known public knowledge! I?m not a monster! You?re crazy and an idiot!? He needs help.

The message was clear - my boundaries do not matter because they do matter and must be brought to heel. I am a threat that can lay bare all the emotions and hurts by criminalizing his favorite drug. I?m also getting stronger and he knows it.

http://www.posarc.com/partners/sexual-anorexia
I?ve experienced every single sign of a sexual anorexic/addict as the Partner of a Sex Addict (PoSA). The addiction is very important to him. More important than me or the kids. He?s rationalized it as good because it takes the pain away, avoids the messiness of intimacy, gives him control when everything is out of control. I read that all sexual addiction issues are intimacy issues.
  •   Withholding love/emotional closeness from his partner, often leaving her feeling unloved or unwanted.
  •   For the benefit of others watching, sexual/emotional anorexics may put on the appearance of being affectionate in public with her but withdrawing again as soon as they are alone together
       
  • Withholding praise or appreciation from her
       
  • Controlling the money for the household (that way he maintains the power, leaving her weakened. This can be enacted whether he earns money or does not contribute financially. Again, either way, he is the one in control, not her)
       
  • Withholding emotional interactions from her
       
  • Withholding spiritual connection from her
       
  • Withholding sexual relations with her (therapists usually know that whoever says "no" in the sexual relationship maintains all the power)
       
  • Controlling her by using silence or anger
       
  • Staying so busy that there?s no alone time with his partner, either by working, watching TV or any other activity that takes him away from her
       
  • Blaming the PoSA and refusal to look at his part in any relationship issues
       
  • Ongoing or ungrounded criticism of her that causes isolation, especially if they are headed towards emotional and/or sexual intimacy
       
  • Refusal to eat meals she has prepared (since her cooking is often how she offers him a form of her love-- therefore, he rejects it)
That last one hit home. I'm a very good cook. Very good. He has and will refuse to eat in the most nonchalant, passive way possible.

I am a decent, loving person. This shit won't break me. I'm going to thrive. I will love and be loved.

12 year old daughter posted some thinspiration photos, thigh gap stuff. He was not even phased. "It's pretty common." I'm helping her feel good about herself, trying to teach her to love herself while limping along myself.
 

LTE

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As you said; he needs help. I can't believe that anyone would watch their life go down the drain without making the effort to change, but apparently he's doing just that.

That link was great. I can see my former behaviors in there and also see behaviors of a significant woman in my life, from years ago.

Hang in, you're doing great.
 
S

SO Reboot Partner

Guest
lte said:
As you said; he needs help. I can't believe that anyone would watch their life go down the drain without making the effort to change, but apparently he's doing just that.

That link was great. I can see my former behaviors in there and also see behaviors of a significant woman in my life, from years ago.

Hang in, you're doing great.

I really like that site as well. Gabe posted a link in the partner's form. I've found some very helpful insights there as I pass from the "discovery phase" to a healing phase.

I don't feel like I'm doing so great. I have good moments and bad. The good ones seem to happen when I'm resigned to the fact he's not interested in admitting he's lost control. Control seems to be what a lot of this is about because life is messy.

I thought a job I applied for a few months ago was closed, but there may be a second run for me. I'm holding my breath because I think I may really want it. I will know more on Monday. It would mean I leave for good and would live near my family for support. (Still far enough away to have my own life because I am a grown woman.) I am ready to break free and let it all go.

He has hobbled me with controlling the money, because I let him. He's controlled the intimacy I could give and receive within our marriage and hobbled my heart, because I let him. He controlled his pain with fantasy because he thought PMO would make it go away. He's blamed me for his pain and when the PMO didn't work anymore because I've been there to blame and I accepted it.

He's not a monster, but he's never going to get better if I stay with him.

I know I have no right to ask and you don't have to answer if you aren't comfortable with it - but LTE, do you think that you would have recovered if you stayed married?
 

LTE

Administrator
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SO Reboot Partner said:
I know I have no right to ask and you don't have to answer if you aren't comfortable with it - but LTE, do you think that you would have recovered if you stayed married?
I don't mind answering at all. In MY case, and speaking only for my marriage, I don't think that the marriage would have survived even if I had recovered. While I take full responsibility for my PMO, there were other problems in out marriage, to wit, she never left the control of her parents and discussed our sexual activity with her mother in detail. This was a big turn off to me and made me not want sex with her. Even with that being the case, it was very wrong of me to return to PMO. I should have confronted my wife about keeping our sex life private and not given in to self-gratification.

So in my case, and speaking only for my case, I think that our marriage was doomed either way and I think that I sensed this from early on. Keep in mind, I had over 900 days free of PMO during the early period in my marriage.

Many times I had wished that I would have been caught in the act and confronted. Had that happened I'm relatively certain that I could have used that embarrassment as an incentive towards recovering. Instead, as our marriage declined in health she was reabsorbed by her family of origin and I went back to being a loner, emotionally speaking.

Looking back on the last six years of our marriage it is obvious to me, at this point, that our marriage suffered a lingering death. Even though I accept full responsibility for the damage I caused with PMO, I would never want to go back to her under any circumstances. Those years, over a decade, were the worst of my life and that was due, IMO, to the toxicity of her family. I was chronically ill during that time and suffered from continuous digestive problems. I thought I would end up with a colostomy, and I was in my late thirties at the time. Now, over twenty years later my health is robust and I'm much happier.

Let me be very plain about this, none of this excuses my PMO! In my opinion, PMO is essentially solo adultery and is unacceptable in any marriage, even a troubled marriage; or even a doomed marriage. Masturbating while married is spending your sexual energy on someone other than your mate. It is a form of cheating and it is 100% wrong. A friend of mine was married to a woman that denied him sex for over half a decade. He never masturbated and she would do nothing to satisfy him sexually, not even a hand job. IMO, if one partner can't perform they can still pleasure their mate orally or manually and, once again IMO, probably should offer to do so. I believe very strongly that marriage grants exclusive sexual franchise to one's marriage partner and both parties should accept that responsibility towards their mate. There's no room for masturbation and there's no room for denying a marriage partner their due. PMO is a way of denying one's partner their due and that makes it dead wrong. I was in a bad marriage, but I was wrong to return to masturbation and porn.

If I could go back in time I would tell my younger self to gain control of my desires, because it's an essential skill, even when you are married and have ready access to sex. Once I had learned to control myself sexually, from that position of strength, I believe that I could have made better choices, including holding out for the right partner instead of rushing in to a marriage and ignoring obvious warning signs that my future in-laws would interfere in our marriage. FWIW, I actually started to break off my engagement but my fianc? was certain that things would be OK. I have regretted not breaking it off for nearly thirty years.

Ultimately, and feel free to have your husband read this; every man needs to learn to control himself sexually. It's an essential skill that all men need. Life is not like porn and having a real flesh and blood partner means that a true man has to be able to do without sex when his partner is not up to it (such as late-term pregnancy, early post-natal, menstruation, illness, etc). If a man can't do this he's not ready for marriage. Our surrounding culture no longer teaches this skill, but it is still required to have a successful life under any circumstances, married or single. I never felt like I was truly a mature man until I learned self control and I'm far from unique. This is an entry level skill that every person needs. Kinsey ladled out a lot of bad advice and remove sexual restraint from our culture, but he was apparently a sex-addicted man, someone that had no business passing out advice on sexual conduct.
 
S

SO Reboot Partner

Guest
I read your post several times. There is so much strength and self reflection there, LTE.

So much of this - all forms and flavors of sexual addiction - does seem to hinge on intimacy issues, not the behavior in and of itself, but the avoidance of intimacy due to past harm or perceived threats to the real authentic self. It is protection.

Intimacy is like fog in my mind in that the environment has to be just right. The temperature and dew point have to match for fog to occur. In marriage there are a few more elements that have to "match" for intimacy to occur. Our authentic self has to be confident enough to be vulnerable. Our respect for each other has to be true, where we trust and are trustworthy. Boundaries must be at the same temperature so to speak.

It is a violation of trust to discuss the intimate details of a marriage with others. For me, this boundary made the walls of a prison. When things were good, it wasn't a problem. When boundaries were crossed, I told no one. When intimacy became weaker, I still clung to my personal boundary that I would not violate the trust and discuss our issues with anyone.

Like you, I got physically sick. I just finished a "timeline" for therapy and oddly enough, I started blood pressure medication right around the time the issues started. I've since had joint and back pains (unexplained) and I take medication for acid reflux, which just recently appeared. This stuff makes us sick imho!

The first time I discussed our marriage problems with anyone other than my husband was when I made that journal entry in the summer of 2013. I told him about it, but frankly I don't think he cares. As far as I know, he hasn't read any of this. I am somewhat certain he cried on the shoulder of his assistant, but I don't have a clue as to who he's talked to about our problems. All of this is after several (8+) years of sexual anorexia and intimacy avoidance.

While I've given the rewiring a good go of support for him, I don't think I can do that again. It stripped my wires, left me raw and exposed. I think my own more recent self imposed halt to intimacy (I've never said no before this) is to protect myself from further harm. I can't let it go on too long, because I don't want to be further damaged and unable to trust again. I think avoidance of intimacy is needed to heal, but I can't do it forever. I want to love again.

This weekend he's avoided any connection with me or the kids, except on the most mundane level. He's been parked in front of the television, binge watching. All. Day. Long. I've run in and out, collecting food donations with the kids for our community food bank. I'm taking them to see a movie tomorrow afternoon and I have to help the youngest get a project done while getting the laundry done, house cleaned and ready for next week's turkey day.

I have a lot to be thankful for. One is being able to drag the mouldering corpse of my marriage into semi-daylight. It has helped me find my way back to my authentic self. I'm less angry with him now, disconnected from the problem and more into what my future holds - even if my posts seem to be more about him than me at times.

I guess what all that rambling was about is we have to be true to our own boundaries and true selves to achieve true intimacy.

Thanks for always reading and helping me parse through these things, LTE. I really appreciate you sharing, it really does help me more than you know.

SORP.


 

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
SO Reboot Partner said:
I read your post several times. There is so much strength and self reflection there, LTE.

So much of this - all forms and flavors of sexual addiction - does seem to hinge on intimacy issues, not the behavior in and of itself, but the avoidance of intimacy due to past harm or perceived threats to the real authentic self. It is protection.

Intimacy is like fog in my mind in that the environment has to be just right. The temperature and dew point have to match for fog to occur. In marriage there are a few more elements that have to "match" for intimacy to occur. Our authentic self has to be confident enough to be vulnerable. Our respect for each other has to be true, where we trust and are trustworthy. Boundaries must be at the same temperature so to speak.

It is a violation of trust to discuss the intimate details of a marriage with others. For me, this boundary made the walls of a prison. When things were good, it wasn't a problem. When boundaries were crossed, I told no one. When intimacy became weaker, I still clung to my personal boundary that I would not violate the trust and discuss our issues with anyone.

Like you, I got physically sick. I just finished a "timeline" for therapy and oddly enough, I started blood pressure medication right around the time the issues started. I've since had joint and back pains (unexplained) and I take medication for acid reflux, which just recently appeared. This stuff makes us sick imho!

The first time I discussed our marriage problems with anyone other than my husband was when I made that journal entry in the summer of 2013. I told him about it, but frankly I don't think he cares. As far as I know, he hasn't read any of this. I am somewhat certain he cried on the shoulder of his assistant, but I don't have a clue as to who he's talked to about our problems. All of this is after several (8+) years of sexual anorexia and intimacy avoidance.

While I've given the rewiring a good go of support for him, I don't think I can do that again. It stripped my wires, left me raw and exposed. I think my own more recent self imposed halt to intimacy (I've never said no before this) is to protect myself from further harm. I can't let it go on too long, because I don't want to be further damaged and unable to trust again. I think avoidance of intimacy is needed to heal, but I can't do it forever. I want to love again.

This weekend he's avoided any connection with me or the kids, except on the most mundane level. He's been parked in front of the television, binge watching. All. Day. Long. I've run in and out, collecting food donations with the kids for our community food bank. I'm taking them to see a movie tomorrow afternoon and I have to help the youngest get a project done while getting the laundry done, house cleaned and ready for next week's turkey day.

I have a lot to be thankful for. One is being able to drag the mouldering corpse of my marriage into semi-daylight. It has helped me find my way back to my authentic self. I'm less angry with him now, disconnected from the problem and more into what my future holds - even if my posts seem to be more about him than me at times.

I guess what all that rambling was about is we have to be true to our own boundaries and true selves to achieve true intimacy.

Thanks for always reading and helping me parse through these things, LTE. I really appreciate you sharing, it really does help me more than you know.

SORP.
The adage is true; it takes two to make a marriage succeed, but only one to destroy it. I sometimes wonder if some of the choices I made were self-sabotage because I believed I didn't deserve a good marriage, or perhaps, wanted to avoid intimacy. I could go on endlessly about problems that may have predisposed me to the problems I went through. I was sexually molested by an older cousin and at times felt that my mother's love was contingent on my membership in the church of her choice. I won't elaborate further except to say that I definitely have had to deal with intimacy issues. Nonetheless, it's what I crave the most. If I could have anything it would be a large and loving family.

It's laudible that you kept the intimate details of your marriage confidential for as long as you have. IMO, that's a sign of faithfulness. Obviously, at this point there is no intimacy to keep confidential.

The physical sickness will reverse. I was in my early forties when things came apart and I didn't expect to live much longer. Now, fifteen years hence, I'm healthy and active. It's not perfect, but it's a lot better than it used to be. My blood pressure went from very high to normal.

Hang in and believe in yourself. It's truly your husband's loss if he's willing to turn away from the intimacy you are offering.

 
S

SO Reboot Partner

Guest
I slept in the same bed with him last night. I've been sleeping on the couch. The bedroom has been the "rejection room" in my mind, where I cried myself to sleep and endured those years of involuntary celibacy.

The room doesn't hold that kind of power over me so much now. I was very tired last night so I took a nice warm shower with my new shower puff thingie and lavender/vanilla calming soap and put myself to bed with the care and love I deserve.

It takes a lot of time to get through the discovery phase of being an SO. I read there are 6 phases or stages of recovery for the spouse/SO of a sex addict. Each has its own little surprise bag of fun and thorns.
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/09/12/6-stages-of-recovery-for-partners-of-sex-addicts/#footnote_0_49427

    Developing/Pre-discovery
    Crisis/Decision/Information Gathering
    Shock
    Grief/Ambivalence
    Repair
    Growth

I know a these stages aren't very fun to witness. I'm living it and it isn't fun to be in the middle of it. I'm sure more than one reader has wanted to just tell me (or their SO) to just get over it and stop making such a big deal.

I found this very condescending wiki-how that is just all kinds of "stop acting like porn is a big deal" for girl friends that  feel their bf is off the deep end in the PMO department. http://www.wikihow.com/Accept-Your-Boyfriend%27s-Interest-in-Pornography The problem isn't porn, gals - it's your mindset? Come on - wikihow really? Thanks for enabling while puttin' those ladies right, wikihow.

I think I've been in the shock phase for the last few months. i think I'm moving on into the grief and ambivalence. I'm doing little things to be good to myself. I think it is working because he got mad today (tried to blame me for one of his mistakes) and I didn't feel it or accept it. I just went on. The codependency is dissipating.

I don't feel the overwhelming resentment and hopelessness so much. That doesn't mean it may not rear its ugly head again - but I think I'm getting through this maze. Self care is very important. I found this really nice list of self care which would be good for SO's and their partners - Guys like bubble baths too! Also babying and pampering yourself is just the right thing to do. http://theselfcompassionproject.com/2013/06/03/80-self-care-ideas/

I think when we are gentle with ourselves, we listen to our bodies with more respect. For many, not listening has brought all kinds of issues. For me it has been acid reflux and high blood pressure because I took on stress I didn't need to take on.

In the end, the bedroom is just a room, the bed is just a bed. These things should not have power over me. I think it is the care and love I have for myself that allows me to sleep soundly and well.
 
S

SO Reboot Partner

Guest
I am definitely moving out of the shock and awe stage of SO recovery and into the grief and ambivalence. For me, each stage had the following characteristics:

Developing/Pre-discovery:

This was the stage where I knew something was wrong. I found evidence here and there of PMO issues and chose to ignore the diminishing intimacy or blame myself for his neglect. I handled my doubts and soothed myself by weakening my boundaries. I allowed him to completely discount me as his wife and helped him justify a fantasy of his secretary/latest vid as his dream girl. He enjoyed the freedom of engaging in PMO/fantasy without recourse. He hid it well and trained me to fear his wrath if questions arose. He would occasionally add a little spark of danger by throwing a comment or two right in my face. I accepted his claims that I was controlling, even as I turned a blind eye to the obvious and cried alone rather than address the problem.

Any moments of strength in this period were short lived. I discounted my own needs for trust, intimacy, affection and belonging as a character faults - I thought the emptiness and disconnection I felt were because I was "high maintenance" rather than just normal human needs for connection and being. I forgot that we are spiritual creatures living a human experience. I became very depressed and began neglecting my own care. I was empty and lost, blind and emotionally raw.

Crisis/Decision/Information Gathering

I caught him engaged in PMO in July 2013. We just returned from vacation and he was fully disconnected from me and the kids. I had had enough. I confronted. I found YBOP a few days later and the Reboot seemed like the answer. I decided to forgive him for all the past and go forward fresh, even if he didn't ask for forgiveness or even acknowledge his transgressions and the impact on our marriage or the kids' childhood.

I threw myself into his care and recovery from PMO. (you can read my efforts in my journals, it is common for SO's of sexual addictions to throw themselves completely into the partner's recovery) I incorrectly assumed if he could have an erection again he would reconnect and at least have the motivation to try to be a husband and father. I thought the PIED was the main issue here. He did improve for a short period of time. He told me he was very lucky.

EDIT: I felt very proud of myself for all my research and "curing" him with rewiring. While addiction has narcissistic elements - so does being a caregiver in my case. I gained identity in the role of caregiver, fixer and "good wife" but forgot about the authentic me, the lady that had depleted her love bank and self esteem instead I became the codependent - the one that expected a "payoff in self esteem" when there never was going to be one.

Then came the relapse, a return to the same old routine. He fantasized during lovemaking, called me names, demanded pleasure for himself and defiantly ignored giving any to me. He would park his breathing corpse on the the couch and watched TV all weekend, refusing to shuttle kids or engage with them after the brief period of attention. Sometime in August 2014 I slowly slipped into shock when he began saying "things will never improve, you won't ever change, we need to divorce" when I tried to discuss these issues with him.

He admitted he only tried the reboot to placate me. This may or may not be his way of off-loading the failure and shifting responsibility back on me.

Shock

Oy - this is no fun. Shock has included some very deep resentment. I despise him for the crap he's put this family through. I felt foolish and trapped by my own trust of him.

I can't believe my own gullibility! Really. Can I trust myself? Shock has been very, very hard. I really became concerned and decided I was not going to withdraw back into that deep depression again. I saw my doctor, got a prescription for anti-depressants and began seeing a therapist. I think those two things have made the shock stage at least bearable.

The trauma of all this seems concentrated in the shock stage. While anyone might think "you should be over this by now - you found out over a year ago" that isn't really how the recovery process works. During the shock phase I had these moments of emotional tsunamis that would occur unannounced - probably from the undersea fissures of the past that opened up, swallowing in great gulps of trust and security.

Grief/Ambivalence

Shock has also ushered in a certain numbness and the grief/abivilance stage. I don't care anymore if he's PMO'ing or for how long or when. I don't check on him. I don't ask and I don't really care. I don't like being hurt with this crap. I avoid the painful, like sleeping in the same bed or having conversations because I don't see the point. The relationship I thought we had is over, yet I grieve for a marriage where I wasn't really happy. It makes no sense to me, but there it is.

We still work together and live in the same house, but we are not interacting aside from functional levels. No affectionate names, no touching, no eye contact, no nothing - just the way he wants to live and just the way I need it to be right now as I disconnect from him and the codependency.

He refuses to acknowledge PMO as an issue and maintains that I am the one with the problem - obviously because I'm in therapy and on medication. He will not attend couples therapy, but has decided he will attend a therapy session this month - for my benefit. He's said he doesn't like the disconnection from my end, but I really can't bring myself to pretend anymore.

I really hope he doesn't stage an eleventh hour stand of "let's stay together" because I don't think I can do that.

Repair

The repair stage is when the SO is supposed to be fully invested in self-care. I really want to be here, but I'm only just beginning. I am very proud of myself for seeing my doctor and engaging a therapist and finding a lawyer (even when husband says we can do this equitably by ourselves, pshjeese!) and planning my exit. I've had some job interviews. I'm planning where I want to live, what will feed my soul, support my healing and provide the best opportunities for my kids and allow for us to be and become the loving people we are meant to be.

I feel the resentment from the shock stage beginning to change into resilience.

I'm not in the repair stage yet, but after shock I'm ready for anything better. I think I need to fully disconnect and detach from his daily influence to spark that change.

Growth

The whole process may be a growth experience, but I'm not really sure what this means as a stage of recovery yet.

I don't think the stages are meant to be static compartments of being. I think of each stage like sitting on a particular couch cushion (or two) rather than trapped in a vaccum as a bell jar exemplar. I find myself vacillating between Shock and Grief/Ambivalence and maybe Repair as I feel the need for self-care more strongly.

I'm adding a counter because while I'm not exactly rebooting - Recovery is Recovery and it takes some time. Whew - I think I learned something about myself with this post.
 

SlaveToRighteousness

Active Member
I really hope he doesn't stage an eleventh hour stand of "let's stay together" because I don't think I can do that.

This seems like the kind of thing he would do, based on what you've said about him. If he makes a last-second plea to stay together that you reject, then he can blame you for the divorce.
 
S

SO Reboot Partner

Guest
STR said:
I really hope he doesn't stage an eleventh hour stand of "let's stay together" because I don't think I can do that.

This seems like the kind of thing he would do, based on what you've said about him. If he makes a last-second plea to stay together that you reject, then he can blame you for the divorce.

meh. He's going to do what he does. I have to move forward. I just don't want a lot of obstacles.
 
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