Spirituality

fapfreezone

Active Member
So, I've just relapsed on PMO and binging on food and I nearly relapsed on gambling but didn't so that one's still at 41 days, though it's not in my signature. I've been thinking about why I relapsed and I've also been reading British comedian and ex drug addict (ten years clean now) Russel Brand's book "Revolution". In it, he says he thinks the reason he felt he needed to take drugs, be promiscuous and use porn was due to a lack of spirituality. He was trying to fill a hole in his soul with drugs, sex and porn.

Do you guys find the same thing? Has spirituality helped you? Do you think it's an essential part of recovery? What are the fundamentals of spirituality? What's the most important thing?

I've been trying to become more spiritual for a while now and so far I've done two main things. I've redefined masculinity how I see fit (in a sentence: be an upstanding citizen) and I've developed what I call the coin system for deciding how productive activities are. Both these things allow me to make choices in life and adopt behaviours in life that are productive, meaningful to me and provide lasting, healthy benefits. This is why I consider them spiritual. I think that living my life according to these two principles will mean that when I look back when i'm older, i'll be satisfied that I lived a worthwhile life and that I was a decent human being. Also, they direct me toward choices that are more meaningful and less empty (such as prioritizing relationships over casual sex).

I'm still doing pretty much everything I do for selfish reasons though, because I don't really understand why i'd want to be so helpful to others. Helping the weak is part of my definition of masculine, but I see little value in helping people who are struggling just because they are struggling. I don't think it's bad to, i'm just not interested in it and I think spirituality would really include some selfless acts. I do actually donate to charity, I just do it because I want to believe i'm a helpful and decent person, not primarily to help others. I feel like I can't afford enough money to make much difference with these things.

Fundamentally, I believe that society is so messed up (obesity epidemic, psychiatry epidemic, porn epidemic, massive social inequality, third world poverty, bullying, wars, etc) that I don't want to be one of the super nice guys because I fear i'll get exploited or miss out on opportunities I could have taken if I was a little more unscrupulous. I think you have to be a bit mean and corrupt to be successful, basically. I also feel like me doing a little something like helping a little old lady across the road is pointless when there are such huge flaws in the system that the things in brackets above exist, because many, many much more serious problems are being created all the time due to our poor societal system. I think the only useful thing I could do would be to solve the major problems, but that's likely too tough for me to actually be able to do. I appreciate that this is pretty dark, but that's what I really think.
 

willtochange

Active Member
For me my spirituality is being a Christian, i had gotten so wrapped up in this addiction that it blinded me so badly. I started to stray away from the teachings and faith i had learned and read. I deliberately didn't care what God or anyone else thought, it was all about ME and MY pleasure. It was a self centered desire that i wanted to be filled. My choice of drug was Porn and always has been, i don't drink, do drugs, party, etc. Pornography for me has been my main downfall since i was just 11 years old, before surrendering my life i felt it was bad because of the moral reasons behind it and of course being under age. Now that i'm a believer i feel convicted because i know that it's not what i'm called to be doing. Instead of looking at women in a sexual manner i should be looking at them as my sisters in Christ. I know that Gods grace is renewed daily and through reading his word and learning his promises it gives me that faith of what's to come. It really puts things in perspective for me. God sent his one and only son for us, filthy, sinful, self centered, careless, sinners. That through Jesus we would be saved from our wicked ways. Once you become a believer you heart and desires begin to change by the transforming grace that is offered to everyone who accepts Jesus. You no longer want to do self centered things, sin, etc, you begin to be drawn closer and closer to the pure love God provides. The things that used to tempt you don't have as much power any longer as you are so contempt with what you have now. Gods love for us is unending, we can never have enough and i've found it's the only thing that can fill that void in our hearts. When we look at the life of Jesus we can read stories of him helping the powerless, the poor, the unworthy, unpopular etc. As a Christian we are called to do just as Jesus did, be his hands and feet. Help others, pray for them, assist in their times of need, minister to them and love them. Since making an effort to stop watching porn my eyes have been opened to just how far i had drifted away from the Love that saved me. I remember thinking over and over oh there's no God it's just made up to control us etc, i'm going to do as i please. In doing that i spiraled in this addiction even further than before spending easily 8 hours a day pmoing. I'm happy that i was awoken and being forgiven from those sins is unexplainable it's as if a 1,000 bricks have been lifted from me and i finally feel free. Now i'm not perfect, no one is so when the time comes that i may fall his love and grace are always there to offer us that second chance. We don't need to feel shameful, beat ourselves up etc that was all left at the cross. We are just to ask forgiveness and keep on pressing forward. I hope this helped a little if you have read all the way trough and this is just my opinion not trying to push my christian views on anyone.
 
J

JG2690

Guest
The thing about showing kindness is that it has a ripple effect.

Let's say you did help out that old lady in the street cross the road, for that moment you just made her happy (lets just say) you effected her mood so now she will be kind to someone else and so on..  At least, that's my theory on kindness and how it can spread.

lastly you cannot change the world, but you can take small steps in the right direction and then have other people follow in your same footsteps.
There is quote on.. I think the bugs life movie. "An ant alone is weak and small", but a bunch of them.. well that's another story. :)

and for the spirituality thing, I think meditation could really help with that. Also, mindfulness being in the present moment. Ive been reading about meditation and mindfulness and a lot of us are truly never in the present moment, we're either in the future, worrying about stuff that hasn't happened or in the past trying to change things that we can't.

Take care, may you come out victorious from this battle.
 

fapfreezone

Active Member
I think a big flaw in my thinking (which I've never written out like that before) is that yes, there's lots of bad in the world, but there's also just as much good. Focussing only on the bad and then inferring that there's no point is to ignore all the good I can do with my time. It's also useful to think about what you said, JG2690 about the ripple effect, which I think is quite true.

I think the piece of spirituality I would like to add to the two I mentioned above is one about not harming anyone and also endeavouring to help those in need where possible and within reason, when the opportunities arise.

I guess helping the needy is a bit like donating ?2 per month to Cancer research. Your donation doesn't do much on it's own, but if tens or hundreds of thousands do it (and they do, of course), then collectively you're all contributing to beat cancer much sooner than if you all hadn't bothered.
 

F4Add

Member
Hey FapFreeZone.

I'll tell you what's for me.
Personally I try to balance my life. What does this mean? Means I try to live everything the best I can, recognizing the gift of having that moment. Of course I'm not perfect and do not always recognize this. But that's what I try to do.

If you feel good spiritually, everything follows
That's true. When you are happy, have balance, do a good job whatever that's it (I'm a student) you don't even think about porn. For me stress and unconsciousness are very strong triggers.

Where do I find my balance?
My equilibrium, my life, my faith everything I have is in Jesus Christ my saviour. My life would have been miserable otherwise. Because as a speaker said we live in a broken world, yes broken, but redeemed
My life is a wonder even if it's not perfect and even though I need to fight it is beautiful or it's beautiful because I need to fight or to walk in the uphill road.

My blessing man. Do your best in everything you do. Find your spirit and apply to everything else.

For me
Life is a poem
 

jkkk

Well-Known Member
FapFreeZone said:
I think a big flaw in my thinking (which I've never written out like that before) is that yes, there's lots of bad in the world, but there's also just as much good. Focussing only on the bad and then inferring that there's no point is to ignore all the good I can do with my time. It's also useful to think about what you said, JG2690 about the ripple effect, which I think is quite true.

I think the piece of spirituality I would like to add to the two I mentioned above is one about not harming anyone and also endeavouring to help those in need where possible and within reason, when the opportunities arise.

I guess helping the needy is a bit like donating ?2 per month to Cancer research. Your donation doesn't do much on it's own, but if tens or hundreds of thousands do it (and they do, of course), then collectively you're all contributing to beat cancer much sooner than if you all hadn't bothered.

Hey there.

Isn't there too much "thinking"? Too much calculation?

Spirituality has something to do with giving up on thinking. Giving up calculating. Taking the elderly woman across the road will not get money out of your pocket, don't worry about that.

J.
 

Crystal

Member
For me, practicing my Catholic faith has definitely helped me stay erotica free. Receiving Holy Communion, going to the Sacrament of Reconciliation when I fail, going to Mass, and talking to God in prayer daily all serve to remind me of my goal, comfort me on my journey and strengthen me for battles ahead.
 

jimthejones

Active Member
I think that?s a good definition of masculinity and I also like jp ?s way of thinking about  impact. One of the most interesting things that i have heard along these lines was that the revolution is not an event but a process ( i think it was biko who said it),we might also add a process made of small conversations that may lead to big conferences/marches/movements/hospitals/ and so forth? so it?s difficult to measure the effect of an action.

Your topic to me is so paramount but troubling at the same time, it?s important because I can?t remember a time that I wasn?t engaged in it (consciously or unconsciously) yet it is troubling because porn is such a big hindrance to my spiritual growth and more troubling is trying to find a place for my spirituality in my rebooting and healing process.

Question do you have a place for a God/gods In your worldview?
 

fapfreezone

Active Member
jimthejones said:
Question do you have a place for a God/gods In your worldview?

I actually went to a catholic primary school (elementary school) and I do pray sometimes, because sometimes i'm surprised at how well things turn out or how much progress I make (sometimes) with certain life problems. However, in general, I don't believe in God. Who am I praying to then? Well, God the father, just in case!

I also see the value in thinking about things in terms of smaller pieces of progress. I tend to see more of the overall picture and think I either have the problem or don't. I think it would help a lot with my motivation and satisfaction with my progress if I thought more in terms of smaller goals and progress milestones.
 

JKLIVIN

Member
For me spirituality played a huge role in my recovery. I was raised Catholic, but we were never a "go to church every Sunday" family. It wasn't something that I devoted myself to. I believed in some but not all of it. I believed in a man that sacrificed himself for others. But it wasn't Catholicism that I turned to in my recovery. The more I read about recovery the more I learned about mindfulness. Mindfulness turned to meditation, and buddhism. But again, I'm not a practicing buddhist. I couldn't really tell you much about the religion. But I was able to find parts of catholicism and buddhism that helped me become a better person.

Through my meditation and mindfulness I have learned to enjoy moments as I am in them. I try not to dwell on the past, or worry to much about the future. I focus on what is happening now. In this focus you begin to realize what is really important in life. For example, I work in customer service in the financial industry. As you can imagine, lots of angry calls if people start to lose money. At a time in my life one bad call would ruin the entire day. I would dwell on the scenario and let it fester all day. Even though I experienced far more joyful people, it was the angry one that was remembered. After practicing mindfulness my thinking changed. During the angry scenario my approach was different. I no longer took it personally. These people are upset at the situation, not at me. I started to try and imagine the situation they are in. I found that by doing this I was able to 1) Provide better service, and 2) move on as soon as the call was over. (This isn't easy to do, and still needs work, but has been an improvement.

Being mindful has also made me more aware of triggers and how I can overcome them. I am aware of my feelings and emotions far more than I was almost 2 years ago. In situations that would cause me stress, I am able to find peace (This is also something that still isn't perfect, but improving). 

In this crazy world we live in now, with so much hate and negativity getting all the attention, it is important to remember all the positive and love that is also taking place. I agree a lot with what JG said about the ripple effect. One smile has the power to completely change a persons day, and they can in turn do the exact same.

I rambled a bit there, which I have a tendency to do. But I hope that all made sense and helped some. Let me know if you have any questions, or thoughts.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
I think another point to consider is these people who are "needy" usually have more joy in their life. I have read, researched and experienced countless moments where someone who is a lot less fortunate than I end up having so much more zeal for life! I have been making steps to be more filled with love. When you are operating with love, you put others first. That builds relationships and brings real joy to your life. Not momentary happiness but joy! Yes there might be times when someone may "take advantage" of your kindness, but if you are serving authentically selflessly then there are no strings attached so who cares? Also assuming such person was serving in their community they would probably have other friends to come to their aid because they have build healthy relationships. That is part of living in community. I think P turns people to isolation and sometimes you forget the benefits of community. When you give and serve others it not only helps the receiver but it also help you. You get a feeling that is hard to describe but it is gratitude on so many levels. Try it out, what's the worst that can happen? I think of people like Mother Theresa who really didn't do much for herself but the amount of life, love and joy she experienced! She seemed much more happy and at peace. That is what I would like my life to be full of!
 

fapfreezone

Active Member
aquarius25 said:
Try it out, what's the worst that can happen?

I've reflected on this and the fact that people seem to often tell me I overthink things and I've decided that I am more of a thinker than a doer because i'm afraid of doing something wrong. It makes me wonder if other people who like to think, plan and talk but do not actually do very much are the same way.

So, to answer the question, what's so bad about doing something wrong? Well, it's an anxiety thing. I did initially write a longer post explaining exactly what the problem was, but I deleted it because it sounded too personal and I thought I was sharing too much - this isn't therapy. Still, I've learnt something about myself.
 

Hablablos

Active Member
My personal philosophy (or in a way it could be called spirituality) is very similar to Will Smith's. I believe that this godlike feature is in everyone and what really matters are our choises. They decide who we will become. This just resonates with me deeply.

To the ripple effect, I belive in this as well. Small acts of kindness can and often do all the miracles.  Because it's always small things that matter the most. Yet being completely selfless is not my thing. I want a solid life for myself and for that I need to be a little selfish. Not completely, but still. It's a matter of balance.

Thanks to fairy tales we are told since our chilhood we think it's only the big things that matter. Fairy tales also ruins our sex life. Same nonsense works with doing something wrong. To make something right first we need to make it wrong. But in school we are indoctrinated to fear of making mistakes. We are also taught that we have only one chance and there is only one way. If you miss it, you lost. Guess what? It's not true.

I'm still doing pretty much everything I do for selfish reasons though, because I don't really understand why i'd want to be so helpful to others. Helping the weak is part of my definition of masculine, but I see little value in helping people who are struggling just because they are struggling.
I'll tell you why I am helping them. When you show them what is inside them and that they are fully capable to become a much better people. When they decide for that, you won't stop them. They remember who they were before and I hardly believe they ever want to be them again. I know I don't, because I was one of these "weak" people. Because of that these "weak" people have a determination you can hardly ever beat. It was one of the reasons why I wrote Why porn addiction is the best thing that has ever happened to me, beside to make it easier for any already struggling rebooters or the upcoming addicted people.

I hope it makes some sense.
 

BuddhaAwake

Active Member
Great topic!

One of the reasons I want to give up porn is that it conflicts with my Buddhist beliefs and values. As the YBOP book details, my brain needed more and more extreme novelty to pack the same punch. I blew way past my values and beliefs a long time ago. My feelings of guilt and shame have been self-induced.

I regard Buddhism more as a philosophy/psychology than a religion. From what I've read spirituality is often a big part of overcoming addictions. Thus the 12-Step concept of a higher power as you determine it.

Today is only day 3 porn-free for me, but I can lay down to sleep knowing I haven't violated my values/beliefs regarding sexual conduct that day.

Any physical benefits will be a bonus as far as I am concerned.
 
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