Same story different day

[Kimba]

Hi I am new on here, been dealing with this for a few weeks now, not the first time but hopefully the last as its a deal breaker for me, Ive given chances and this is IT!!  Ive suspected it for awhile but like a lot of you on here you just want them to be the man they need to be honest and above that crap.  Unfortunately he lied ALOT and it all came undone, accidentally, otherwise I still would not know but know down in my soul that things just were not right!  About two years ago I checked the cookies on our work computer (we have our own business) and found links to a certain porn site, but since then he must of known I cleared it and nothing, until now,  then three weeks ago when I was doing my admin thing I noticed an icon on my desktop and was very shocked when I opened the link, with that sinking sick feeling in my gut!! When I did some more checking he had been checking out all sorts of half naked girls on Facebook (twerking) and I will never know the full extent of his searching for the next thrill, he said he hasn't chatted but I do not believe that as I found a link to chat cam site overseas where I think they type in responses so maybe that to him is not chatting as such, its typing lol. Anyway he doesn't really talk to me about it, I said I would be blocking programs on our work computers and he said Yes plus he went off Facebook, not straight away mind you it was more when I told him no more taking his phone into the toilet and I got upset about it all.  This is our second relationship for us both, I'm pretty sure he did it a lot in his first marriage as it was a loveless one, but he cannot use that excuse in our relationship, we had a healthy sex life but that probably stopped about 7 years ago or so, he doesn't really look at me and I haven't felt a close connection with him as far as intimacy goes for a long time, unfortunately I buried my head as well, When I confronted him even when I had flat out evidence in front of us, he still denied it, What The!! Anyway he has said he has stopped and for good, I am dubious but will give the benefit of the doubt, we have built a lot together in the last nearly 11 years but I am no weakling and will sell all and move on if he proves to be misleading me.  This site is helping me move on and try and understand his infidelity, I am in total agreeance with all the bombarding of sexual content in the media, movies, music videos, Facebook, instagram, twitter, its everywhere and its bloody hard to maintain self esteem in this climate of beauty is skin deep.  This is not all that he is but its a bloody big part, he is an amazing man and I just hope he can be the man he wants to be... Take care everyone this is a battle of sorts and the odds are against us,  I'm  a fighter and he knows it... One more thing, he does not want to talk about it at all, not much I can do I suppose except talk about it on here, he's not a communicator and I certainly am, but he does sense my moods and is trying I know that, but it just gets to me sometimes...

 

[Emerald Blue]

Hey Kimba, welcome to the club although it's not one any of us would rather be part of. So much of what you say is typical. I was very upset by the lying and hiding, and I am certain there's more to it that he will never admit to and I guess I'm resigned to that. His non-communication is still a problem. He wants to carefully control what he says, chooses his words too carefully and still leaves plenty out. I don't like it but you can't change people. That's the best I can hope for but I hoped for better. He got away with doing what he wanted for years and kept me apart from the sexual side of himself for years. Was it "just" porn? I don't know. You can't ever trust someone if you know they've lied over and over. He gets annoyed if he thinks I'm "suspicious" but he created that situation by his behavior (whether I knew or not) and his denying it, lying about it, hiding the truth, etc.

These men can and do quit. My partner has done so. BUT the grubby fingerprints of their porn addiction are everywhere. I "caught" him several times but he didn't quit until I was on the brink of some kind of depressive crisis many years later. In the intervening years he just got more and more lost in porn behavior, we stopped making love because whenever I planned a romantic or "sexy" weekend or evening he'd be using porn beforehand and nothing happened. Or he'd turn me down. Or lose his erection halfway through. It was typical porn addict failure on his part. I felt so wretched I couldn't bear to even think about sex any more because it meant rejection and misery. He would carry on locking himself away with porn and never giving me a second thought. He was an utter selfish bastard. It was all about him and what he wanted, he never thought to ask me how I was.

My relationship isn't as good as I hoped it would be. That's the truth. I'm actually quite unhappy and feeling as alone as ever. He's become more skilful at his non-communication after I made more effort for us both to be more open. I'm disappointed about that but you know what they say about leopards and spots. At the moment I have a problem with fibroids and I'm in pain and bleeding with it and despite feeling unwell and miserable, he never even asked me how I was. He came home from work, he did plenty of complaining about his job like he always does, but it didn't occur to him to ask how I was feeling today. I make allowances for him, if he finds work stressful etc, but I'm dumbstruck by his lack of empathy. I'm certain that he has lost the ability to empathise by cultivating the distance necessary to maintain a porn habit for many years. This was a man who was having an exclusive and committed relationship with a computer, he was bonding with an inanimate object. Sharing intimacy with recordings of people made in the past. That's what was "real" to him. No matter how I try to work on communication with him, I feel it's all one-sided. He can't reach out to me, he doesn't think of trying either. I actually think porn addiction really fucked up his ability to love.

 

[Kimba]

Thanks Emerald, I feel so much better just getting stuff of my chest and knowing I am not alone or one of the few that feels like this.  I needed an outlet for my thoughts rather than burden a close friend or family member, take care