Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover

AnonymousAnnaXO

Active Member
I talked to Cody today about a lot of things. I knew he was being distant ever since he posted on Facebook, and that's why I kept asking if he had been using. He hasn't. But today he realized he hasn't been talking to me. He then told me he felt that I was too protective or too helping in his recovery. I felt bad. I feel bad, I didn't realize I was being like that.

I know that I have been trying to balance my needs and his needs. My needs are well... knowing when he gets to and leaves work because that way when he sends his work internet history I know if there is something missing. I need to know who he is hanging out with (because some friends are being mean to me, and some are just going to hinder his own recovery), I want to know where because some places have posters that are provocative or things like that, which makes me uncomfortable, so I like going to places he wants to go to see the environment... Is that too much? Probably. I feel like a freaking PTSD mess.

I told him since we met because of my PTSD from rape trauma and anorexia, that he could leave if it got too bad. Well... his frustrations with me makes it seem like my PTSD from his addiction is too much. I cry, I break down, I yell, and I get paranoid and scared. I HATE it. I just want to be numb, and I want to have no emotional reaction to anything he does (whether it's good or bad) so that he doesn't have to feel either bad or angry or frustrated at me for my emotional responses... he makes me feel like I am too much and that I am too emotional and too sensitive... I feel like I have to just shut up and nod my head in agreement to whatever to keep him appeased.

I am sorry that having his friends and family hate on me has made me relapse in my anorexia, I am sorry that I don't want him hanging out with any of them until I get a chance to explain my side and get an apology, I am sorry I break down crying and can be a bit controlling out of fear... I am not perfect. I am working on it. I hate this. Some days it all feels like it's too much. 

I started thinking about me and my needs for the first time since I found out. I mean I would sometimes have thoughts that would quickly leave my head about my needs, but never truly thought about what I need. I need space sometimes. I need to actually take care of myself. I need to learn how to not pick up all the slack. I need to let Cody fall. That is a big one. I take after my dad in that. He never let me fail, and that's what I've been doing with Cody. So I need to back off and let him do his recovery and focus on mine, and if he slips up, I need to be okay with that.
 
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cuppatea

Guest
Hubby and me are finding the book "love you, hate the porn : Healing a relationship damaged by virtual infidelity" really helpful. It talks about the female response to the relationship crisis, the male response and the things that both (but mostly the addict) can do to help. It's the most helpful thing we've read in terms of healing as a couple. That Paula Hall partner book is great for healing yourself, but this one is really great for the couple relationship. It doesn't get into individual healing, just the couple relationship, so you and he can use it alongside any other resources you are using. Gracie in here recommended it, they found it very helpful too. The guy who wrote the book has a website too http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.co.nz/
 

Gracie

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I swear by the Love You Hate the Porn guy.  He saved our relationship.  Things do get better with time.  My husband was an assholethe first six months and then half an asshole after that.  A year in I really noticed the difference.  We are closer but we are different.  With sex, we finally wised up and just went ahead and had sex whenever everything was working.  Waiting till later never worked. 
 

AnonymousAnnaXO

Active Member
I bought the book Gracie. I just got through Paula Hall's book that people have recommended, and want to start reading Love you Hate porn with my partner.

I've already seen a huge difference in the person my partner has become (or always wad under the porn fog).

Lately, this past weekend, we had an amazing talk and everything changed. Our sex life is amazing right now, our communication is on point, and we are so happy, and I've just been seeing that I noticed these things in the beginning. I guess I fell in love with Cody, seeing him for who he truly was, and also saw the porn fog side of him, and that confused me. Now that he has been off porn for almost 6 months I see Cody and just Cody and it's been the nicest thing.
 

Gracie

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It is the nicest thing.  To see their personality come back  and see them again!  Good for you! Celebrate every victory you feel,  The book will let you see both sides of this addiction.  However, it does not give guys a pass.  We discussed a lot. While reading.  We also let each other know when something did not apply to us.  As in one person. 

You are on the way!
 

AnonymousAnnaXO

Active Member
I read "Love you, Hate the Porn" and the book has opened my eyes. I love it and Cody is going to start reading it now that I'm done.

Also Cody has been making a lot of progress. He opened up to me last night! I was SO over the moon. He opened up about sex and how he sometimes is embarrassed if we are having sex when he is tired, and he sometimes goes soft after having sex with me so intensely. I told him I didn't care about that and that I love him and the sex we have is great.

I am possibly starting treatment for my eating disorder later this week and I am terrified. I still have so many triggers that cause me to restrict. It's been really tough, but reading the book above really helped me.
 
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cuppatea

Guest
Hey that's so great that you've the book helpful and that he's opening up more. That's one area that seems to be especially hard for men in general and for porn addicts even more so, so I feel that's a really good sign.

Have you started treatment? I hope everything is going well for you individually too, you've been very quiet recently.
 

AnonymousAnnaXO

Active Member
Yeah I started this past week and I LOVE the place. I am really freaking out about my body because I've got my period and I'm going through refeeding so it's hell. But that is why I haven't been on, I have been SO busy I haven't picked up my laptop all week until now.
 
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cuppatea

Guest
Oh I'm glad to hear you love the place, I know you were feeling very anxious about it. Sorry to hear the period has hit at the same time.
 

AnonymousAnnaXO

Active Member
It's week 2 of me being in treatment. I love the place, and I've never loved treatment. Though my body is going through referring changes, and I feel unattractive lots of the time, I mentally feel a lot better and more stable.

Last night Cody and I went through chapter one together in Love you, Hate Porn and even though we never ended up having sex, I still felt emotionally intimate and close and so did he. I really enjoyed that.

I did however have a dream about a best guy friend of mine last night and it made me really anxious and uncomfortable. Cody has issues with QuickSilver and Andy (fake names I use on my blog just to protect identity). I had a one night stand with Andy like ages ago, and made out with QuickSilver twice before I told him that we should be friends and only friends. QuickSilver and Andy were the friends that saved me and kept me from suicide after my last rape. They helped me through the immediate aftermath, taught me self-defense, and said I could stay at their place anytime I felt unsafe at mine (because my rapist knew where I lived). So they are very important people and friends to me.

I had a somewhat sexual dream about QuickSilver last night and  I feel guilty because I know that Cody has issues with him. Like I am not going to lie QuickSilver is really attractive, but there is no sexual tension between us and he lives in another state and I never see him. But I feel guilty and upset because I know that when Cody wakes up I am going to tell him, and I am really nervous about how he is going to react.

My dreams since I've found out about his addiction are either about porn and Cody or have QuickSilver and Andy in them. I think I dream about QuickSilver and Andy because they are my "safe" people, the people I know would be there for me if everything went wrong. So maybe I am dreaming about them because I want to feel safe???

I don't know. I just don't want Cody to be offended or hurt and think I want either of my friends because I DON'T. Cody can be jealous at times so I just idk.
 
C

cuppatea

Guest
I'm not sure I would tell him because it's a dream and not a conscious thought, if you were day dreaming it then fair enough. I've been having nightmares, some about this whole porn non sense but mostly to do with my past and my counselor has said it's my subsconcious trying to make sense of the conscious stuff and that everything gets interwoven and kinda meshed together. The main nightmare I was having, which I haven't had since asking the counselor for help funnily enough, has aspects of something that really did happen from my past but it moves into a scenario that never happened, however in that scenario I get extremely humiliated in a very public and horrible way, a worst nightmare sort of way! Anyway I think for this is my brain taking the past thing that was real that I haven't properly dealt with and meshing it with the humiliation and bad feelings I have around the porn addiction and also with my fear that people are going to find out and what they will think of me if they do and then my subconscious boils it all up together and serves it up in a horrific dream that has my conscious brain going "WTF is that about, won't you just let me sleep!"

For you maybe as sex and your sexual relationship is on your mind and you are probably feeling unsafe (emotionally) with Cody right now, the two things are meshing in your dream and hence you having sex with someone you feel is safe.
 

AnonymousAnnaXO

Active Member
Well I told him because with all the lies we are living with rigorous honesty  and he was happy that I told him, and a bit unsettled but understood that QuickSilver is a safe friend of mine and understood why he might be in my dreams when we are going through rough times.
 

AnonymousAnnaXO

Active Member
I was discharged from treatment this past week. Today is my birthday and honestly I've noticed lately that I can look in the mirror and say that I am attractive. If I could have given myself any present it would be that, and knowing that I am in charge of my own happiness. Cody and I have been doing well. There are some issues that are still being worked on like maturity and such, but over all I can see the progress and effort.
 

Gracie

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Happy birthday!  Always remember one day at a time.  I used to celebrate hours at a time.  (That I didn't have a tear) 
 

AnonymousAnnaXO

Active Member
It's been a while since I posted in my journal. I kinda stayed in the backround while the whole troll stuff was going on and stopped posting for a bit. Anyways, I mentioned in the partner section how I feel down about the disconnect between my partner and I right now.

Earlier today we fought and then quickly made up and he showed emotion. I hesitantly asked if we could have sex later, and not fast fucking, but slow and meaningful sex, and he said yeah.

He got home from work and said he was too tired. I tried my best to accept it. This is like the second time in the past couple days where I tried to put myself out there for sex and got turned down... That hasn't been making me feel too good. If we can't talk, then sex is usually numb and emotionless for me and not enjoyable. When we do talk and connect which is quite short and rare, I often try to ask for sex and then it doesn't happen, and then I feel disconnected again, especially since if sex doesn't happen, I try to reconnect through talking which gets responses of, "I don't know" "not sure" "tired" "long day" "boring day" etc.

Trying to figure out how to get through this rough patch as I'm going to call it. I emailed a couples therapist about the possibility of starting couples therapy and I hope to hear back from her....

I have been fighting for 11 months for this relationship, and I know my partner has put in effort, but it seems like we are stuck right now. He says a lot but there is minimal follow through.... and it makes me not trust his word, not that I did after D-day but there are times where I trust him and have hope (like sex today) and then just let down or crushed. It seems he sometimes is oblivious to the pain or the let down, or he see's it and says sorry and we continue the rest of the evening disconnected and he then asks why and I just say I don't know because at that point I'm exhausted from trying and hoping and I'm done for the day.

I want to get that hope and fight back. I don't want to give up. I think maybe what has really gotten me down is that I finally found a ring he should be able to afford if he saves from one check (it's $97 with this mother's day sale going on), and I know he needed a new phone because he was using a phone that the battery died quickly and the sound wouldn't work from time to time, and so he got this check for $437 and he paid off the old phone ($80) and then paid for the new galaxy s8 plus accessories ($88) and he paid the phone bill($113) and then was left with practically nothing for the week or to put into his savings because we went out to dinner to attempt a date... but we didn't connect too much, but it was a bit better than the one we had a week ago where he talked about cars. I guess I feel like he still can be selfish with his money and doesn't value saving. We have a kid on the way and I have a couple hundred saved up, and it seems like he wants to spend his money on his phone and car... and I probably shouldn't be complaining, but I guess I was hoping this check was going to be the check he got me the ring... but maybe he will in the next week or so while the sale (I hope) is still going on. If not it's not the end of the world. But I guess I just hope that couples therapy can help us connect and work on the basic issues in the relationship...
 

malando

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Hi Anna, I already replied in the other section, but I just wanted to say that I agree that your partner is being selfish with his money. There's no need to have the new Galaxy S8 - a flagship phone, when a normal cheap phone will do. Feel free to quote me to him, but he needs to get out there and make some more money! I would want to have a whole lot more money than that behind me with a baby on the way. Time to get serious and get saving! Tell him you want $2000 in the bank by the time your baby is born. Set the bar high. I personally think he needs to work harder financially - spend more time making money and less time messing around with hobbies.

That's disappointing about him not making an effort romantically. It's like he needs a shakeup every so often to wake him out of his complacency. Complacency is dangerous because that's the mentality that grew his addiction. He needs to be thinking about what your relationship and impending family needs on a DAILY basis. I'd be happy to offer him some advice and support if he could use it. Tell him he can PM me here anytime. I would like to offer any help I can to you guys. I feel like I'm in a position to pass along what I know given I've become a father and dealt with selfishness/addiction. Anyway, the offer is there if he wants it. I can be tough at times, but I am very supportive and encouraging too!

I hope things look brighter for you soon, Anna.
M.
 

AnonymousAnnaXO

Active Member
I responded to the other post, and we did have a long talk last night. I opened up about my feelings about him and money and he agreed he was selfish. He said that he figured he was trying to get his spending out before the baby comes because he felt like he wouldn't be able to once the baby was here. I fully understand that, but we did talk about how saving is the new priority. He has his new phone, and he has worked on his car over the past month, and his birthday is tomorrow and he is getting a new guitar that he is in love with, so he should be set with material things.

We have talked about complacency many many times. Every once in a while it's true he needs a reminder that I still want some effort shown. I know that's a dangerous mentality, it's always been dangerous for me with my anorexia, the second I am like, "I'm good I can skip a meal today and it won't affect me" I am very very wrong. So I do know that complacency is not something that should be taken lightly. It's true, he doesn't always think of the DAILY things that are needed. He has been good about me being triggered lately and had some wonderful suggestions at easing the anxiety since the D-Day anniversary is up in June.

I told him to get on here and PM you. When he gets to work I hope he does. He is JediMaster.
 
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