Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover

aquarius25

Respected Member
Sounds like you are communicating very well! I am glad to hear how you two are working through things. Its not easy but when you keep at it slowly it does get better. Congrats on the baby! That is exciting news! Have eight of you thought maybe of writing a letter to your child? It might include some of your hopes and things that you want to work on as far as being their mom/dad. You give it to them when they have their child and they can reflect on the parent you hoped to be and who you actually became. You also reflect on it as you are raising your child and that way it keeps you focused on what is important so you don't get distracted with the day to day life of parenting. Just a thought. I am praying for you two and am glad you are working through this!
 

AnonymousAnnaXO

Active Member
Thanks Aquarius! The letter is a good idea, I definitely want to do that.

Also I just caught him getting the engagement ring and I feel bad because he was trying to make sure everything was a surprise.
 

AnonymousAnnaXO

Active Member
So we are having a boy! We are so excited! Things between us are going well, and he seems to be taking the relationship recovery seriously. I hope things continue to go well! We are making our way through the packet, and he is able to balance recovery, school, and work, so that has been really nice.
 

AnonymousAnnaXO

Active Member
Thanks! I am so happy. I went to therapy today and discussed all my nerves about parenting. I know the way I want to parent, and I do worry that our son will hate it when he see's other kids his age with phones and IPads... In all honesty, we will give our son an old fashioned burner style flip phone with no internet when he is in middle school. Then high school he can have a more high tech phone. And We don't want him to zone out behind screens growing up. We want to play board games, and sports in the yard. We hope that he can stay engaged in real life.

I worry about our son seeing other children with an abundance of devices and unlimited access and that he will want that too. I want our son to be connected to the world, not disconnected. Plus, these IPads and iPhones or Android smartphones are truly expensive and I don't even know if we will have the money to spend on that as well.

Has anyone else raised kids in today's society? How did they approach technology with their kids?
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Our kids have those complaints but we talk a lot about them. They are only allowed "screen time" on the weekends. The tv isn't allowed on during the week. All screens are in the main living areas and we don't have ipads and things. They use a desktop computer to play some coding games and things. They have an xbox hooked up in the living room and that is where the movies are too. They have stopped asking for the things other kids have. When I talk with them I put it in perspective. I explain that yes, those kids get all of that technology but, our kids are allowed to actually build with power tools. We go on trips that kids don't. We do lots of things that other kids would never get the opportunity to do because they are busy with screens. It's not better or worse, it's just different. I ask my kids if they would prefer to give up all the things we do for a screen. When you put it like that they tend to be thankful for all we do as a family together and all of our adventures. They say they would rather have those experiences than an ipad every time.
 

AnonymousAnnaXO

Active Member
So today we had a really good moment. My anorexic thoughts (ED) has been acting up for the past three days. This morning when I got up with Cody, since he wanted my company, I was feeling like crap about my body image. We sat down to eat fruit loops before he was going to head to work. I honestly felt so guilty about eating that bowl of cereal, and he noticed and I talked about it and told him I felt guilty and was trying not to cry. He hugged me and asked me TFE (Thoughts, Feelings Emotions - I made that up ages ago and we use it on a daily basis now). I said that I had seen a picture that was possibly triggering the other day and something my sister said really triggered and hurt me. He comforted me, hugged me, wiped my tears away and told me how much he loved me. We went back to the bedroom, and he told me to get in bed. I got in bed and he started adjusting the covers and tucking me into bed and said, "I want you to go back to sleep, nap this off, and be comfortable." It was so sweet. He gave me this big seal stuffed animal we got at the aquarium that I now use as a pregnancy pillow, and sat there on the bed and basically explained to me (again) that he loves me unconditionally.

That has always been something hard for me to wrap my head around. He tried explaining unconditional love by saying that he loves me no matter what, no matter what changes my body goes through, no matter what hard times we face, etc. He also used the example of "high school" love compared to unconditional and asked me about if I ever had crushes that changed if looks changed, and I told him sometimes I thought I liked a guy, then he got a haircut and I realized I didn't. And he said that is the difference between superficial love and unconditional. I love you unconditionally, which means loving you through everything. I will always love you. After he said all that I felt so flustered. It was such a sweet proclamation of his love. Also the fact that he tucked me into bed, that was so sweet and loving. I know it's technically not romantic, but the action of taking time to talk me down, and tuck me into bed saying I should nap it off and then telling me how much he loves me meant the world to me!

He has always been, since day one, amazing about helping me when ED pops up and I have "Ed attacks" as we call them. He has been patient with me, understanding and just overall caring in that aspect. This morning just reminded that him being there, caring about me when ED pops up, has been a consistent thing since we met.

I felt so close to him before he left for work, and he said he felt close to me. We have couples therapy later, and I suggested we bring up the topic of unconditional love, because I am not sure where it comes from, but I just don't understand it when it's directed at me. Maybe it's because my closest girl friends were "frenemies" growing up. Including me in person, but always passive aggressively putting me down, and behind my back, revealing all my secrets and the things they would make me do at sleepovers, and then everyone would laugh... I lived Mean Girls for 8 years basically. So I grew up with those closest to me also hurting me, lying to me, and betraying me. So I guess ever since then, I've always been cautious of anyone who wants to get close to me, who says they care, or love me, etc.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
These moments are priceless.  I know the closeness is such a warm feeling!  But when we have been through prior relationships, family, friends, and lovers, they can remove that unconditional love feeling from our lives.  They do that by all sorts of various ways.  They make us feel unworthy.  We have to do something to earn their love. 

Then when we hit the PMO train we feel that much worse.  My husband too says nconditional and he shows it.  But what is it?  Does it mean forever?  Sometimes we just need to experience good things and embrace them and let the definition come later, I think.
 

AnonymousAnnaXO

Active Member
We got married yesterday! I am so happy and just amazed at how wonderful our wedding went. it was a small wedding at my parents house and everything turned out to be so nice. I am so happy to be able to say I am his wife! I feel like I've been waiting for this day for ages. I am so proud of how far we both have come with our individual recovery and our recovery as a couple.
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Wow, congrats Anna! I didn't realise you were getting married so soon. I'm very happy for you and Cody - may you both (and your little one) go from strength to strength. :)
 

AnonymousAnnaXO

Active Member
So I haven't posted in a while. Things have been quite hectic. I am due on November 17th... which is coming up! Totally terrified and excited at the same time!

My husband is doing well in school, still getting A's, and very proud of him. We acquired a 1995 318i BMW a couple months ago for $300 and my husband and I have fallen in love with that car. My husband is currently in his first auto tech class (which is what he is pursuing) and loving it. He changed the rear brake discs on the bimmer and they don't even learn about brakes until the end of the semester so I am happy that my husband I guess has "natural skill" in this given it's his passion. A job recruiter from Subaru came to their class this week and had a list to sign up for their online university and the recruiter said that for those who do well on their online university and do well in the auto tech program, they will probably be reaching out to you to offer a job with paid training and benefits. So my husband is really excited, especially because there is such a need for auto techs (which I didn't realize, apparently they are 116,000 job openings for auto techs in the industry right now because of the demand).

For me, I took this semester off so I could give birth and not possibly be in NYC while in labor haha. I reached out to the Center of Family Justice (which works with domestic violence and sexual assault victims) for opportunities with internships and volunteering. Their internships are through school credit so I would have to discuss that with whatever professor I take for the internship class. I would love to intern there, and they make you go through training to be certified to work with domestic violence and sexual assault victims. The Center also offers education courses for the public, which I am thinking about taking (only costs $30 per class) since I already have a passion for that area and want to possibly go into that after getting my masters.

Relationally my husband and I are still working on things. My husband still seems to not initiate relationship recovery work. My husband has completely turned his life around with being 1 year and 4 months off PMO and I am so proud, I just wish he showed that determination when it came to rebuilding the relationship. We do have fun together, can get along, and on occasion have very intimate and emotional sex, but there is still the trust that is being worked on... trust is not yet there and I told him it wouldn't be there until there was consistency shown.

I know we are both so excited for our son to be born. He kicks me so much and I think he dropped the other day. I am 34 weeks pregnant, and I am really nervous about childbirth. I know I am getting an epidural, but very nervous about before I get it. I am not good with pain, and I know childbirth is ... well, painful. I just hope my husband and I are on a good enough note by that time.

I am thinking that if things don't shift, I need to set consequences for not doing the relationship recovery work, like not hanging out with him in the evening when he expects me to drop everything I'm doing. Or maybe if relationship recovery doesn't get done we sleep in separate beds until he gets the message. I don't know yet what consequence would be helpful, but I am thinking about it.
 

AnonymousAnnaXO

Active Member
Things have been much better. We are in couples counseling, we figured out some helpful things. Specifically having individual time before we have "us" time. Also talking more, being honest, trying to connect. Cody tries to avoid connection because of the pain it brings when talking about his addiction, but we are slowly working on that.

Baby A is a bit over 3 months and he is the most precious thing! We love him so much, and really are putting in our all to be good as individuals, parents, and as a couple.
 

AnonymousAnnaXO

Active Member
I haven't been on RebootNation in a long time, been on NoFap mainly and have made some great connections and friends over there.

In my recovery it's been over 2 years post DDay, and yesterday was our one year marriage anniversary. Our son is 8 months old now. I have an online magazine and it will be one year old on August 17th.

In my own personal recovery I am doing well. Most triggers I can breathe through and stay calm and collected by. There are still some that have a PTSD immediate reaction and those are the things my husband and I still need to address.

My husband confronted his abusive/neglectful mother on July 4th. She herself is an addict to cocaine and in my opinion alcohol- or at least dependant on it. My husband is putting the pieces of his past together and having to come to some grim realizations. His mother being neglectful... mainly absent prior to the divorce, not taking care of them. She knew nannies would lock him and his siblings in closests.... she did nothing about it. His older sister told me and him about the memories she has (my husband has repressed all this abuse) and she talked about how he and his twin brother would be screaming and banging on the closet doors begging to be let out.... That breaks my heart.

It also breaks my heart that she would beat them with wooden spoons and belts.... a lot....

August 4th is marking one month since he confronted her. She said she would talk to him within the month about the tough things... she hasn't reached out. So August 4th marks one month and he plans to text her.

I know his mother is his biggest trigger, and he is severely struggling with depression... which means lack of connection between us most days... He did call my old psychiatrist the other day to get an appointment. I hope that with his therapist and getting on correct medication he can be more motivated in his own recovery and in the relationship recovery.

Financially we are SUPER tight right now because he got into a car accident last week and totaled my car. We had to use our savings to get me a car because I do need one- not only in case of emergencies for our little one, but for school and my internship.

So, doing my best to plan out things financially and pay off credit cards. I am doing my best to be a mom and run an online magazine. It's hectic for sure. Plus my internship will be starting where I will work with victims of domestic and sexual violence once a week. I am so excited for that though! I have a meeting with the head of Advocacy this wednesday and am super nervous!!
 

AnonymousAnnaXO

Active Member
It's been a while. But things are good. We have successfully repaired our marriage. I still struggle from BT triggers and such but we have really rebuilt a new life.... I hope others out there know that they too can achieve success, healing, and rebuilding!
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
I am so happy for you two!!! So glad to hear a good outcome! It is not easy but having a relationship healing is so good to hear! Congrats again and best of luck in the years to come!
 
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