So today we had a really good moment. My anorexic thoughts (ED) has been acting up for the past three days. This morning when I got up with Cody, since he wanted my company, I was feeling like crap about my body image. We sat down to eat fruit loops before he was going to head to work. I honestly felt so guilty about eating that bowl of cereal, and he noticed and I talked about it and told him I felt guilty and was trying not to cry. He hugged me and asked me TFE (Thoughts, Feelings Emotions - I made that up ages ago and we use it on a daily basis now). I said that I had seen a picture that was possibly triggering the other day and something my sister said really triggered and hurt me. He comforted me, hugged me, wiped my tears away and told me how much he loved me. We went back to the bedroom, and he told me to get in bed. I got in bed and he started adjusting the covers and tucking me into bed and said, "I want you to go back to sleep, nap this off, and be comfortable." It was so sweet. He gave me this big seal stuffed animal we got at the aquarium that I now use as a pregnancy pillow, and sat there on the bed and basically explained to me (again) that he loves me unconditionally.
That has always been something hard for me to wrap my head around. He tried explaining unconditional love by saying that he loves me no matter what, no matter what changes my body goes through, no matter what hard times we face, etc. He also used the example of "high school" love compared to unconditional and asked me about if I ever had crushes that changed if looks changed, and I told him sometimes I thought I liked a guy, then he got a haircut and I realized I didn't. And he said that is the difference between superficial love and unconditional. I love you unconditionally, which means loving you through everything. I will always love you. After he said all that I felt so flustered. It was such a sweet proclamation of his love. Also the fact that he tucked me into bed, that was so sweet and loving. I know it's technically not romantic, but the action of taking time to talk me down, and tuck me into bed saying I should nap it off and then telling me how much he loves me meant the world to me!
He has always been, since day one, amazing about helping me when ED pops up and I have "Ed attacks" as we call them. He has been patient with me, understanding and just overall caring in that aspect. This morning just reminded that him being there, caring about me when ED pops up, has been a consistent thing since we met.
I felt so close to him before he left for work, and he said he felt close to me. We have couples therapy later, and I suggested we bring up the topic of unconditional love, because I am not sure where it comes from, but I just don't understand it when it's directed at me. Maybe it's because my closest girl friends were "frenemies" growing up. Including me in person, but always passive aggressively putting me down, and behind my back, revealing all my secrets and the things they would make me do at sleepovers, and then everyone would laugh... I lived Mean Girls for 8 years basically. So I grew up with those closest to me also hurting me, lying to me, and betraying me. So I guess ever since then, I've always been cautious of anyone who wants to get close to me, who says they care, or love me, etc.