First night

[Stowe2010]

This is my first  night without porn, and I am scared. Scared that I won't be able to sleep, scared of cravings, scared of relapse and scared of where porn will take me if I continue to use. Porn has wasted so much of my life that it makes me sick and there are times when I truelly want to die. However I need be strong an fight  this addiction because I know if can give up the porn for life, I will get better.  I feel like shit all the time and I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I hate what this addiction has done to me. I need to stop because it ruining my life, and this last year has been the worst of my life. This will be the hardest thing I have ever done but there is now way I can continue to live like this. Fuck my porn-brain I am ready to finally conquer this by making a recovery plan and sticking to it, because I am tired of waking up everyday and hating myself.  And I really do hate myself and my addiction right now more than I ever thought could be possible.

 

[TobyTob]

Well, trying to get porn free is definitely a step in the right direction. Getting your demons out of your life help with your confidence, your self image, and the way you treat yourself and others. It's gonna be super hard, but that's why were here for you if you need to talk or just need support. It's all about patience and discipline. Reading other peoples journey is also a great motivator. Best of luck to you mate.

 

[Stowe2010]

Thanks, I appreciate the support and I am really just trying to get through this battle one day at at time. As much as I wish it were a year from now, the struggle is part of the journey and the recovery process. This website is great, I never utilized it before because I ever realized how much of a problem porn addiction was and how much of a problem I had. I think I was in denial of how much an addiction to porn I truly had but now that I realize how detrimental it has been to my life, I have a responsibility to myself to stop.

 

[IAddict]

Good luck buddy! I'm in the same boat and i've made it to day 4 for me so far. I believe in you and you should believe in yourself as well. Whenever I feel like watching porn, I just come onto this site and read journals and write in mine, it really helps, stay strong! You can do it!

 

[Farmer1016]

This is my first  night without porn, and I am scared.

From an old German saying: Never imagine the dragon to be bigger than it really is.

You're going to be just fine, just focus. One hour at a time. One day at a time.

 

[Stowe2010]

Thank you all, the support is very much appreciated. I am fighting this battle minute by minute and focusing on conquering this addiction in the present moment. While I know this will be one of the hardest things I have ever done, I have you all on reboot for support.

 

[Stowe2010]

Hi all,

Went through day two today and it was quite the fucked up day. My moods took me through a roller coaster ride of emotions with feelings ranging from anger to happiness to normalcy to regret to pure panic attack anxiety. The anxiety is by far the worst feeling of them all and I am trying to keep busy and distracted to deal with it. I have really been focusing on fighting addiction in the moment and working on taking this minute by minute because I can't think about how I will act in the future, it scares me. But I do not have to worry about how will act in the future because all I have to do is get through this current moment without using, this minute, this second. I know tomorrow will be harder than today but there is now way it can be harder than this last year long binge that I have been on. As I have said before this last year was the worst of my life. I am looking for tips on how to deal with the impulsivity of having a smart phone and thinking that maybe I should get rid of my phone, if anyone has any tips please share. For now let's pray that I make it through this night without porn. I can't take another last time, lord knows I can't.

 

[Stowe2010]

I could not fall asleep last night for shit. I tossed and turned all night while my brain was filled with thoughts of using, craziness and senseless rambling. Does Anybody have any tips for falling asleep without thinking about porn, porn stars or sexy women, if so please share because I am struggling to catch some Z'sss? The reality of how much of an addict I truly am is still slowly setting in along with feelings of remorse, anger, anxiety and self hate. However, I know this is part of the healing process and that it will only get worse before it gets better. Still though, its hard to fight off these emotions constantly while trying to live a normal life and act like you are not in the process of conquering a monkey who has been on your back since the age of 14. I need to be strong and work my recovery one minute at a time. I find myself repeating one minute at a time because its the only way I can get though this difficult period. I hate myself and I hate feeling like this but the only way to get better is to fight through the cravings/anxiety and make recovery my number one and only priority. I need to do whatever, and I mean whatever it takes to not use. Even if that means locking my smart phone and computer in my car (parked far away from my room) for weeks till I feel safe again. I will do this because anything is better than the extreme hell I am putting myself through.

 

[Mikel]

Hey there.

Just read your post regarding relapsing and making your way back to this website. Same for me man, relapsed very recently and started up my journal again and going to check in every day. We're all in this together right.

Regarding porn thoughts/fantasies before bed. I've had that a lot and even welcomed it. I've thought, as I'm not watching anything and it's just in my head it's ok. It's not, I know that now. Try meditate before sleeping, even if it's only ten minutes. That will help clear the mind and relax you before sleeping.

 

[Stowe2010]

I felt a little bit more grounded today, however, I know how much of a roller coaster ride this process is and that I have many difficult days ahead. This website has become my new safe place and I have all of you out there to thank for it. I cannot let myself get lazy and stop posting on this forum because it has been the only guiding light I have in this time of self-hate and regret. I found that I had really bad OCD today because I am terrified of relapse and do not trust my future self. That's why I am truly trying to focus on not using porn in the moment because I need to keep my mind clear for when it tries to play trick on me like convincing mysef that I could use just once. I view this process as a battle against my porn infected brain and I refuse to let it dominate anymore. I'm not gonna be it's stepping stone, it can rot in hell. Taking this one fucking day at a time.

Thanks for the sleep tips mikel I will try them tonight

 

[Stowe2010]

Yesterday and today I have felt more grounded, however, I am aware of how much of a roller coaster ride recovery is and I know tomorrow may bring anxiety, fear, OCD and anger. That's okay because I will deal with that when tomorrow comes, my main focus is getting through tonight. Addiction is so strong that it has to be fought in the moment or else it could never be conquered. I hate how much of my life i have wasted on porn and how much it has detracted from myself esteem. It has killed a part of me that will only come back if truly commit to my recovery and make a life change. I pray to God that one minute at a time I can get through this, because I truley can not take one more mistake. Please God give me the strength to get through this, please.

 

[Mikel]

I hear you man, this is hard but as you mentioned, take each day as it comes. In my experience, I've had the worst wothdrawals during the first two weeks and it kinda plateau's after that. Not sure if you're the same.

 

[Stowe2010]

Yeah man It has been up and down with me but I am just taking it as it comes, and focusing on getting though minute by minute.

 

[Stowe2010]

A week ago from tonight was the last time I used porn. I was so fed up with myself and filled with hate at the person I have become that I could have died. Right after I joined this website and have been posting on it everyday because I am sick of being a porn addict. It has controlled my life for too long. I think of all the opportunities I have missed, all the time I have wasted browsing the internet for the next video to get me off and it makes me sick. Last Saturday when I used, I truly realized how much of an addiction porn is. I told myself a million times that I was done yet I never put any effort in to change, I always assumed that since I quit for 8 months before I could easily stop again. Not the case! Now I have been seeking help on reboot and treating this like the addiction it is. I am taking it one day at a time and doing anything in the world but using porn. I am tired of hating myself and I am tired of wasting my life away. I do not want to hate myself anymore. I know this week will be tough, but I will deal with each day as it comes. There is no way that it can be harder than being a self hating porn addict, there is no way. I must be strong, smart, determined and never get lazy. I can get through this, we can all get through this one day at a time!

 

[captaintiger]

Stowe2010, if you've hit rock bottom, the only way now is up, and you're going in this direction. So, it will only get better. Just stand strong and don't walk away from your dream.

 

[Stowe2010]

Thanks for the support capaintiger, everyday I dont use is a day I get closer to recovering. One day at a time my friend, one day at a time.

 

[Stowe2010]

When I think about how bad I felt last week, it makes me want to die. I truly hit my lowest low yet and it was/is the wort feeling in the world. I immediately made an account on this website and vowed to start posting everyday, because enough is enough. I don't want to hate myself anymore. I am tired off all the lies, all the bullshit and all the crazy feelings that come with porn. I need help and it took a rock bottom experience and this website to help me realize this. I realize now how much of an addiction porn truly is and how the only way to conquer it is to fight it like the life consuming dependence it has transformed into. I am utilizing all types of recovery strategies that I have read from AA to help me combat this because I could not handle another relapse. While I certainly feel better than i did a week ago, I know that I will still go through extreme withdrawals in upcoming weeks and that I will still be feeling up and down emotionally. I might even start to go through a flatline which is hard but if I take this recovery minute by minute and utilize my reboot network than anything is possible.

 

[Farmer1016]

Love yourself sir.

Even in your flawed, broken, addicted, unhappy state. Love yourself.

Picture the man that you want to be. He's right there waiting for you. If you look, you can see him with your minds eye. That's what you need to focus on.

This is not an easy process. It has wild up and down, back and forth swings of positive and negative. Even at 99 days, I'm still experiencing some of that.

Focus on where you want to be. Set your goals on how to get there. Then approach things one day at a time and, when you're having the worst of times, focus on one hour at a time.

Keep your chin up.

 

[Stowe2010]

Thanks for the supportive words and your right I need to keep my eyes on the prize of who I want to be and take it one day at a time to get there.

 

[Stowe2010]

I am still feeling very up and down, however, my highs and lows are not as extreme. My cravings were strong today and I think part of that is because I felt lonely and bored. I want a girlfriend but I need to get a handle on my porn addiction before I even consider getting into a relationship. I also think I need to get out of my room more because when I am sitting alone that is when temptation begins to creep in. I know that cravings will go away eventually but If any of you have any advice on how to deal with these please share. I will take all the help I can get. For each craving I got today, I told my addicted brain it was never going to happen and I kept reminding myself how much porn has taken away from me. I could not stand another relapse and I truly never want to use again, but for now I am just focusing on getting through this one day/night at a time. I know I repeat this everyday but I have to reiterate it to drill it into my head. I have also begun to picture the person I want to be without porn and are starting to keep him in my mind because he certainly feels a lot better than I feel right now. I know I can not get discouraged when I have a rough day because it is all part of the recovery process and everyday I do not use, is a day I'm closer to my goal of a porn free life. Thanks everyone for the support!