First night

[Mikel]

Sounds like you've got a bit of free time on your hands and that can be dangerous as the mind starts to wander. The time you spent watching/using porn needs to be replaced with something else. A lot of rebooters do exercising which can also be done at home but to be honest, replace it with anything. Exercising, reading meditating, making a phone call, learning a language, cleaning whatever man. I'm sure there's something you've always wanted to do but haven't got round to it, now's the time.

 

[Stowe2010]

Thanks Mikel, I have been exercising a lot definitely helps a ton. I will try meditating and even learning a new hobble. There are a million things to do besides use porn and its time I start doing them.

 

[Stowe2010]

This was certainly an up and down day, however I expect many of these are to come in my future so it was no surprise. Every craving I get, every OCD tendency, every crazy feeling that occurs is just my addicted half trying to get me to mess up and use. Well he can go die, because I will not let that happen. Minute by minute I can do this. Its a very strange thing, fighting a battle against yourself. Part of you never wants to use again and hates whom you've become while a bigger part of you wants to see you fail and suffer. I don't think someone who does not suffer from addiction can truly understand this internal battle that we face and how difficult it can be when you are the architect of your own demise. Fortunately, there is solace in recovery and it is comforting when you realize that the only way this battle must be fought is day by day, because that is how humans live life, one day at a time. We do not live an entire year in one day, so why would our recovery from porn addiction be any different. I do not hate porn, but I hate what it has done to me and how much it has taken from my life. There are many things that I will never get back, however sanity is not one of them. With each day that I do not use I get more control over myself and the addict inside of me and this gives me power.  I know tomorrow will be difficult, maybe even harder than today but if I continue to fight one day at a time and if I have a higher power on my side I can do this!

 

[Mikel]

Reading your post was like seeing my head documented in text form. 'The battle inside our heads'. Yeah it's weird, that part of us that wants to use and be right in the darkness and the part that wants to be free. I'd say the longer we stay away from porn, the easier it will get in the long run. Day at a time of course. Keep going though man, you may be battling through but you're still getting there.

 

[Stowe2010]

Absolutely Mikel, and thank for the support it means a lot. The great thing about this website is that you can post how crazy you feel and you realize that you are not alone.

 

[Stowe2010]

I was definitely feeling withdrawals today and my mood was all over the place. Despite my efforts I could not get my mood to stabilize. However, I am still extremely early in this process and I know this will eventually pass with time. I just need to remind myself that using will never stop these withdrawals and if I do use porn, I will be right back here tomorrow feeling even worse. I had a lot of social anxiety today and I felt like I was losing my mind all day. I even noticed my nervous twitch starting to come back. I have to remember that this is normal for porn rebooting and just focus on getting through today. It will get better, and all I have to do is take this one day at a time and slow down. Tomorrow I am going to start to mediate because I think it will help me slow my brain down. It feels like my mind has been racing the last few days and that I am not in control of my thoughts. This part of the recovery process that I am about to enter is going to b hard, there is no doubt about that. But there is no way it can be harder than the last year  of my life, there is just no way. One minute at a time I can do this, we all can!

 

[Mikel]

I think you're right, it's something which will improve over time. I'm with you on the mood swings though. At present, I'm up and down throughout the day, not down as in depressed but still I feel a bit low. It's really odd as they (my emotions) can change within minutes. Maybe it's when I chnage my environment, I'm not sure.

You're doing well though man, keep going.

 

[Stowe2010]

Thanks and I have noticed the same thing, that my emotions seem to change with my daily activities and environments. We have just go to ride the withdrawal wave and not use, eventually we will recover.

 

[Stowe2010]

I started the morning off feeling crazy. I had a two hour drive home and my mind was rambling with thoughts of anxiety, depression, fear and cravings. However, once I got home this settled a bit though I still felt very up and down through the rest of the day. I noticed my cravings were very strong today and were particularly prevalent when I felt bored. I would not let myself use though, and just took it minute by minute during these periods to get through. One thing I did notice though is that after I exercised, I started too feel significantly better and began to see some minor glimpses of my old self. My aggression, my drive, my wit were all showing at moments, even though they were nowhere near where they used to be it felt nice to briefly feel like my old self. This gives me hope that somewhere far down the line I can recover and finally like myself again. However, I know how up and down this process can be and I am still very early on so I will not get discouraged when is tomorrow is difficult. Sleep and the nighttime are still the hardest parts for me so if anyone has advice on this please continue to share. One minute at a time I can get through this and while I am not a religious man, I pray something higher than me is my side.

 

[Stowe2010]

Today was a very mehh day. My anxiety was diminished today but I still felt moments of fog and fear. However like yesterday, I had moments of feelings my like my old aggressive, witty self and this reminds me of why I am going through this hell of quitting porn. It makes me very sad when I think about how much I have not acted like myself over the past year because of my porn addiction and I realize how many opportunities I have missed because of this. I have not reached my full potential because of my porn addiction and it is not fair to treat myself like this. I have worked too damn hard in life to let my porn-brain bully me around and drag me down into an anxiety fueled depressed mindset where I am dependent of pixels for relief. No more. One minute at a time and with the help of a higher power I can conquer this addiction and make it through. I only have one job in life right now and that is to stay away from p and m. I can't hate myself anymore, I just can't do it. I know I have many difficult days ahead but I always have to remember that everyday I don't use porn, my addicted brain gets weaker and I get stronger. I am taking control back of my life one day/night at a time.

 

[Stowe2010]

I felt very blurry today. When I think back to the days events, they almost seem like a dream to me. I am going to guess this is part of the brain fog that I have read about and I assume its a common withdrawal symptom. I am still feeling up and down and had a few moment of sheer anxiety today. However, they did pass and overall my anxiety has gotten better though socially, I am still nowhere close I used to be. I know with time if I continue to work my recovery and stay way from porn all my problems will slowly disappear and this gives me hope. I also know that the recovery process is a long one with many twists and turn so I am trying not to get discouraged when I have a bad day. I really am only focusing on getting through each day, night and moment as it comes. I have noticed that when I think about the future I only get worried and start to get very OCD about things which detracts from my focus on staying strong in the present. My cravings were strong today and I was very horny at certain points however, I repeatedly told myself no and then moved on to an activity or a new environment to distract myself. A helpful strategy has been to quickly say no to cravings when they arise and then instead of negotiate with them, try to think about or occupy myself with something else. Obviously this is easier sometimes than others but any day I do not use is a good one for me, even if I felt like crap all day. I truly cannot cannot ever use again, I do not think I could handle the soul crushing experience of a relapse. The last year has been so hard for me due to my porn addiction and now that I have found this website, if i used I fear it would relinquish all hope I have in myself if I mess up. However, I digress from my main mantra of taking this recovery one minute at a time and with a higher power on my side and hard work I can do this!

 

[Stowe2010]

I definitely still had brain fog today and felt myself getting very distracted at things. I had lots of work to do but it was very difficult for me to concentrate on one the task at hand. I did have some fits with anxiety today, however, they passed relatively quickly and were not too intense. I know tomorrow is a different day and if I feel anxious, I will not be discouraged as I am still very early on in this process. I truly believe that one day at a time and with the help of a higher power, I can do this. I need to eliminate the impulsive nature of addiction and work are working on getting back my self-control. I am still having difficulty sleeping and find this to b the hardest part of the day for me. I am also afraid of getting morning woods because this is a potential trigger for me. However, I am truly working on never letting my guard down and focusing on getting through the moment. I still hate what porn has turned me into and I am reminded of this everyday. I think this is a good thing because it gives me incentive to never go back and continue working my on recovery despite how difficult it may be at times. I can never give in and together with my comrades on this website, we can all do this!

 

[Stowe2010]

I definitely had strong cravings when I woke up this morning. After that a feeling of of boredom came over me where I pondered how the hell I would fill my day without using. However, this did not last too long and it soon passed, I view it as my addictive voice tying to manipulate me into using. I am learning to recognize my addictive voice and not let him bully me around. This voice is the one that doubts my strength, purpose and dedication to recovery and tells me to quit. Its the voice that tries to tell me I could use just once and that I have no confidence. Its the voice that tries to tell me to quit when I am running an intense mile. Its the voice that tries to get me so afraid of the future that I lose focus on the moment and give in. Well fu*k this voice. He can literally go to hell and burn their for all eternity. This is my impulsive addictive voice losing the recovery fight and desperately trying to get me to use because he knows he is losing. Everyday I do not use, this voice gets weaker and I gain control back over my life. This is a feeling that you cannot but and only comes with dedication, hard work and commitment. I know that one minute at a time and with the help of a power higher than myself I can defeat this voice and prevent it from ruining my life!

 

[Mikel]

That's the spirit son! You're right, it's just the addictive voice in your head wanting it's fix which I totally get. Like you mentioned, my brain will tell me not to bother running as I'll be shit. Stay on the computer and look up harmless stuff as it makes me feel good. It will tell me that looking up images won't hurt and it will be fun and just what I need. When I go against it, it shuts up, albeit briefly. Continual program though man and day by day we will get there.

 

[Stowe2010]

Thanks man and your absolutely right we just gotta keep marching through our recovery and things will get better In time.

 

[Stowe2010]

Felt pretty good today. While I had some issues anxiety wise, overall it was a solid day. If tomorrow is difficult I will not get discouraged as this process is like climbing a mountain that while difficult at times, it's always going up and getting better. I have found that. Ow my addictive voice is creeping in at moments when I am bored. I have a Reid moment of what am I gonna do today now that I cannot use however then I realize that there are a million things I could do beside not use. In fact anything that I do I the world would be better than using. I cannot handle going back to that place of hating myself, lying and losing my mind everyday. I won't let it happen. Once minute at a time and with a higher powers guidance I can do this!

 

[Stowe2010]

Thank God I still have not used. I was hungover today so it had not been an easy day and cravings have been strong but the distractions of the holiday made it easier. I had to hide my phone in my car last night when I came home because I know it is a huge trigger when I am hungover and this is one of my many new strategies for combating hangovers. I have decided that if I use when hungover then I need to give up the booze because that is how important it is to me that I don't use porn. I pray everyday and night to a higher power that I can make it through each moment without porn because it truly is the root of all my problems. All of my problems have stemmed from my dependence and addiction to porn But if I work my recovery and take it minute by minute they will slowly disappear. But I have to work on my recovery and the issues that lead me to the state of addiction or else I will never get better. Minute by minute I can do this!

 

[Stowe2010]

I am still fighting this battle one day at a time. It has been 3 weeks since I last used and it's crazy how much more grounded I feel from then. Not that I do not still feel crazy and that I do not have tough days, but every day I don't use I recover just a little bit more. I know how much of a roller coaster ride this process is so if I have some difficult days this week, I will not be discouraged and I will continue to work my recovery. Porn is an addiction that has consumed so much of my life that I am truly disgusted at the person it has turned me into. Lying, cheating, deceiving and self hate are a few words that come to mind when I think about what my addiction brain has transformed me into. However everyday that I do not use, I see glimpses of my old self coming back to life and this give me more pleasure than any P-video on the web ever could. I think that many of us are the first of a generation of porn addict and that down the line more science will truly prove the physiological addiction of porn. This website is the best resource out here right now and I can't thank people enough for their posts and support. One minute at a time and with my own higher power I can, and we all can conquer this addiction!

 

[Stowe2010]

I have been so out of it all day. My brain fog as well as my flatline are certainly kicking in and I can feel the lack of artificial dopamine release slowly detoxifying from my brain. All day I felt very blah and surreal. Today seems like a blurry dream and I had a difficult time staying clear headed. However I welcome this feeling and next phase of withdrawals because it is part of the recovery healing process and any day that I do not use is a good day. I am driving back to school tomorrow and find mysef getting fearful of the future but I must listen to my own advice. Focus only on not using in the moment and take it day by day. This can be done with the help of a higher power and if I work my recovery everyday and remind myself why I can never use again. I always have to remember that this is hard but it's not impossible and it can be done, minute by minute!

 

[Mikel]

Hey buddy. Well done on passing three weeks and keep going strong. Regarding a previous post of yours, try not to hate yourself for your previous mistakes, indiscretions, using etc. It doesn't help at all to hold onto hate and think what might have been. Time to let go and move forward which you're doing anyway.

Hear you with the flatline. My dick is non existant and it seems like it's at it's pre-puberty phase. Like you said though, just means we're moving in the right direction and we're healing.