First night

[Stowe2010]

Thanks for the response Mikel and you're right I cannot hate myself for ever. I really need to start focusing on learning from my mistakes and using my regents as incentives to never go back and use porn again. Today I definitely felt myself diverge even more into the flat line phase and I think it would take a freight train to wake my dick up. But this is a necessary part of the healing recovery process so I can not complain. I also had a lot of brain fog today and felt so out of it and tired all day. Usually I work out to deal with this but I could not get to the gym today, so I just have to fight through. I cannot let this addiction get the best of me and one day at a time, with a higher power I can do this. These factors to my recovery that I need to reiterate them everyday!

 

[Mikel]

That's cool, I know how easy it is to think of past mistakes and behaviours and think what might have been. Although if you keep moving forward in the right direction, they become less painful. All about letting go I suppose. Funny how we're talking about this, I had an incident last night where I let my ego get the better of me. I was quite annoyed about it before I went to bed and carried it into this morning for the first hour or so. I've thought about my actions and how my thinking led to those actions, thought how I can do better next time followed by letting the incident go and moving on. Practice practice practice and these things get easier.

On another note, maybe knock out a few exercises at home if you can't make the gym?

 

[Stowe2010]

Practice definetly makes things easier. I have been working on forming new habits, healthy ones that will assist me in staying off of porn. One of the biggest ones for me is not overthinking cravings or negative feelings, just saying no to them quickly then moving on. We need to learn from the past, but not dwell on it. Obviously this is easier said than done but with practice it will get easier. So far today I have still been out of it, however, I am gettting a cold so this only makes it worse. Still just focusing on getting through each day as it comes because I am still going through the up and down part of this process.

I had a sex dream last night that I relapsed and it scared the shit outta me. Has anyone had any of these before? I am taking it as a good sign that my addicted brain is so desperate to get me to use that it has attack me in my dreams because it knows it's losing. Please share your comments.

One day at a time and with a higher power I can do this, we all can!

 

[Mikel]

Had a dream I relapsed recently as well. Like you said, probably your brain wanting it's fix so it's coming through via your subconsious. I wouldn't worry about. It was a dream and you haven't relapsed. I think they will die down anyway. When I first stopped drinking, I had quite a few drinking dreams and they died down after a while so I'm guessing the same might happen here.

 

[Stowe2010]

Definitely in the flat line phase of this. In fact I am probably only at the beginning of this phase as I have only been in it less than a week. My dick just feels dead. It's like it's depressed or something and has no motivation to move or do anything. However, I am embracing this phase as part of the healing recovery process and I know its a necessary part of rebooting. I also have noticed that in the mornings, I feel incredibly out of it brain fog wise. However as the day passes I usually feel better. Today I did have a moment when doing work where I realized that for the first time in months I actually felt somewhat normal. It was a great feeling and a great motivator too keep on working my recovery because I believe that one day, if I stay off of p, I can feel like this all the time. However, now I am just focusing on getting through each day and night as it comes, one minute at a time and with a higher power on my side. Please share any comments or storie on brain fog and flat line. Together, we can all do this!

 

[Stowe2010]

Not a great day, but not a terrible one. I woke up this morning feeling great, however, as the day passed I felt myself feeling edgier and more anxious. It's always discouraging to feel like this especially when you felt good the day before. This really is an up and down process and I could feel that in my moods today. I just have to stay the course and ride out the bad times because good things will come if I continue to not use porn. I always state that this is a roller coaster ride and but I need to remember this and not get discouraged. Using will never solve the negative feelings that I feel, only taking action to change my life will. I think I need to be more proactive in changing my life, but I also need to be patient and understand that healing takes time. One day at a time with patience, hard work and a higher power I can do this!

 

[Stowe2010]

Definitely still feeling up and down and it feels as if my brain is detoxifying from the lack of dopamine I felt good last week but all of the sudden the other day it was like my withdrawals kicked in heavily again and it felt like the first week at times. I have been addicted to porn for so long that I expect the depression, anxiety, detox and withdrawal period to last a while and be intense. Still over this past almost month of being p free I have felt better than the last year of using because I know that I am slowly healing. When I feel glimpses of my old self it is the best feeling in the world and all the motivation I need. I know I can beat this if I take it one minute at a time and have a higher power on my side. I always have to remember that p will never solve my problems, in fact it is the cause of all of them and will only make them worse. I can do almost anything in the world but use, p is never an option for solving my problems, never!

 

[Stowe2010]

I started off this morning feeling alright but around 7:00 pm I began to feel incredibly down and almost depressed. Like weird OCD thoughts of wanting to die came through my head which is strange because I really do not feel this way at all. It really scared me like I had no control over my thoughts. However, but I found some solace in the fact that my porn-withdrawal thoughts do not have to dictate my actions. I compare these thoughts to the impulsive ones I had when using that left me feeling scared and out of control. However I have to remember that by on using I am slowly regaining getting control over my brain, thoughts and life. I also have been living by the saying "don't believe everything you think" and this could not be more true. Our p addicted brains want to convince us that life is unbearable without using and will utilize any strategy, especially in early recovery, to get us to go back to our old ways. My brain knows it is losing the battle and I take the craziness I have felt over the past few days as a sign of this. I am sure these feeling are also related to the lack of dopamine in my brain and all the brain changes that I am beginning to go through so I have to ride this out. One thing that did help today was meditating and then watching a video on p withdrawals. It cleared my head and balanced my mood a bit. I know that if I really focus on fighting this battle one minute at a time, I can beat this. And while I really am not a religious man I am a spiritual one, and I like to believe there is a higher power looking after me on this journey!

 

[Mikel]

Yeah man, keep pushing forward. You're so right about our brains trying to utilise any strategy to get us to use, I'm highly certain that's how the negative dopamine starved part of my brain trys to act on when I haven't used porn in a while. It tries to pull me in via substitutes, telling me that it's ok because it's not porn and before I know it I'm looking at stuff again.

 

[Berens]

it's interesting that you observe your own mind. I am convinced that there is a higher power that makes us self realize but we have to learn to connect with that power

 

[mountainman]

Hey,

I am just starting out here and I wanted to say that you seem like a good person. Don't be so hard on yourself, you'll get through it. One day at a time has to be the mantra.

Wishing you the best- I'm rooting for you.

 

[Stowe2010]

Made it to day 30 today and while this is an accomplishment for me today was just another day I got through minute by minute. Day 30 wont mean shit if I do not make it through tonight and tomorrow but I will deal with each when they come. The past few days have been rough and it feels like my withdrawals kicked in heavily however today was not as bad. I have realized that my withdrawals are the worst when I am alone, bored are stressed out. Today I kept myself busy and was out of my apartment/ room all day and I think this is  big reason why I felt better. When I am not in my room its like my addiction knows that I can't use however when I am in my room that is when it tries to get me with cravings and withdrawals. I have also noticed my anger and temper coming back a bit. When I was younger, I had a pretty bad temper and over the last two weeks or so I can feel it coming back as I get edgier. Like at night when I am reflecting and my mind starts to wander into future what if's, I find myself getting really mad and i end up punching my pillow several times. This actually does make me feel better and I am not hurting anyone so i do not think its a problem, but I can still feel the anger and aggression growing in me. As long as I channel this aggression into not using and healthy activities I think it will be okay. I always have to remember that this may be the hardest thing I will ever do and that all I have to do to beat this is focus on getting through it one minut at a time and I must believe there is a higher power on my side!

 

[Berens]

Congratulations on making 30 days.
Maybe you were trying with PMO to repress your anger? There are many ways of dealing with anger and emotions that you could try.

 

[Stowe2010]

Absolutely, do you have any advice on dealing with anger issues?

 

[Stowe2010]

Mountainman thanks for the post, it is much appreciated. I know I am hard on myself but that is only because I want to succeed in beating this addiction more than anything in the world. One day at a time truly is the mantra to live by when facing an addiction, especially early on. It's crazy how much my mood still fluctuates throughout the week and even the day. But more and more I have slowly noticed that certain withdrawals symptoms are stating to slowly disappear and I have felt glimpses of my old self. When I feel like my old self, it is all the motivation I could ever need. This and the fact that many of my fellow rebooter's have recoverd from p addiction shows me that I can to. I just have to slow it down and focus on getting through each minute as it comes. I also need to not get so worked up and angry about the future and the past. If anyone has any advice for this please share. Every night when I write in my other journal, I get all OCD and nervous and find myself pissed off before going to bed. Then I can't sleep cause i'm worked up and it takes me forever to catch some ZZZZZ's. I guess the saying you are you're own worst enemy really applies here. Regardless any day/night that I do not use is a good and tomorrow I am going to brainstorm ways to solve some of my underlying issues that caused me to fall into the cycle of p addiction in the first place. Either way thanks to everybody again for the advice and support there are times when it helps more than you may realize!

 

[Mikel]

Hey Stowe, this advice may seem simple but it should work. I don't have anger issues but when I've been trying to sleep and my head's a bit busy, I sometimes lie on my back, breathe in through my nose whilst expanding my stomach (lets more air in) and out through the mouth. It's a simple breathing exercise but it gets air to the brain allowing it to calm down for want of a better term. I also use that when meditating and sitting upright but also found it helps when lying down. Also, eliminating all thoughts at the same time and just concentrating on your breathing helps.

May work for you, but just wanted to offer something which has helped me.

 

[Berens]

One book that i can recommend is "Bioenergetics" by Alexander Lowen. And other books of the same author. He describes the difference between healthy rage and toxic aggression. He gives you exercises to do, that let your repressed emotions get out. I always feel relief when i do those exercises. And doing those exercises help significantly with urges.

 

[Stowe2010]

Thanks guys, both of these are great advice and I will try them both out. Today I had a great moment while listening to the song Gettin Better by Tesla where I realized that even though I have tough days, I feel better than I did a month ago. This provided me with comfort in the fact that I will and we all will get better if we are just patient and take is minute by minute. The pain of recovery is a great thing because it teaches you discipline, hard work and inner strength. If it were not for the pain, then recovery would not be the rewarding life changing experience it can be. But for now I am just focusing on gettin through each day,night as it comes and working on improving myself minute by minute. Another day, another battle and I must always be ready!

 

[Romes204]

Hey Stowe,

Congratz on day 31, that is huge. I'm around the same stage in the reboot as you going onto day 36 on thursday and I see some relate-able things between me and you. The last week and a half have definitely been the hardest. I was in a regular work out routine up until then but have slacked off a bit lately which I think is why I've been a bit down but also school has been crazy so I can't put a finger on one thing at the moment. I have been a lot more irritable and just overall down lately which is the complete opposite of what I was like up until around day 25ish. I've also lost a lot of that confidence I had during that time. I catch myself almost everyday now getting distracted by pictures on instagram and things like that for the past week it's been really hard not to MO but I havn't cracked. I havn't had sex in 2 weeks and am crazy horny.

I'm hoping this sorta depressive state goes away soon and I get that confidence back, I can't tell if this is a flatline or what it is but everything has been a lot tougher lately.

I just keep telling myself how far I've come and I can't mess up all that work I've put in to get to this day in the reboot by a lousy jerk session when I could enjoy something much better intimately with a beautiful woman. I keep telling myself that I cannot quit now and how much I want that confidence back, get rid of my anxiety and just live more happy. Telling myself those things and working out is how i've stayed away from pmo when I get those serious urges.

I've been able to have sex 50/50 in that first month, but I havn't had sex for twoish weeks which is also probably why its been so hard for me.

 

[Stowe2010]

I am definitely feeling hopeful these days that one day I can recover from this hell I have put myself through. I know it takes time, extreme dedication and patience but one day at a time and with a higher power I can do this. I had some p flashbacks run through my head today but I tried not to overthink them and distracted myself until they passed. I have noticed that my withdrawal symptoms and cravings are the most intense when I am either stressed, tired or lonely. This is probably because I would use p to cope with these feelings in the past, but not anymore. Never again.Healthy de-stressing methods like exercise, meditation and social interaction are my main form of relaxation now. I have also noticed myself becoming more interested in having a relationship with a girl than just sex. However, my confidence is still pretty low at this point and I think it will take some time and practice to get it back. If anyone has any advice on how to feel, act and be confident when your Johnson doesn't work fully, please share. Thanks again for all the help everyone, we can all do this!