Letter to Gabe and YBOP

Gabe

I'm writing this to you to tell you of my story. I am 54 years old. I have been a porn addict for over 20 years. It's been painful admitting that I have this problem. The problem has been especially difficult since high-speed Internet. At first, my porn use was what I would consider mild. The occasional video or picture but nothing deviant or hard-core. Suddenly about three years ago I found myself looking at tube sites. This was the beginning of the end. I started with heterosexual pornography but quickly found that that wasn't exciting enough. I begin viewing more and more hardcore, deviant, vicious pornography. A couple of years ago I begin to notice a difficulty in having sex with my wife. I would get an erection but it would quickly grow soft after penetration. This became more and more regular. My wife blamed herself. She thought I no longer found her attractive or exciting. I can see the hurt in her eyes. I didn't think it was the pornography doing this. I thought it was a midlife crisis. Just something that would pass if only I could find something exciting, something fun. That didn't happen. It got worse. The pornography got worse. I began to try and find more and more exciting ad different pornography so I can fantasize it during sex and satisfy both me and my wife. I found myself depressed, completely numb to life. Nothing made me happy. My wife noticed this change in me. We've been married for 32 years. We really don't have to say anything to know how the other feels. I've hurt her so bad. I would come home from work and immediately run to the restroom. So I can take a few minutes and watch a little porn. This numbed me. I actually got to the point where pornography would not even give me an erection. I can watch the most hard-core deviant porn and not even get hard. Erections with my wife would last a few minutes and if I couldn't come in those few minutes then it didn't work at all. At my lowest point I would sit in the living room with my family and as they watch TV, I would look at porn on my iPad. How absolutely messed up is that? So I'm at the point now where my penis is numb, my feelings are numb, my whole attitude is numb. No morning wood, no erections, minimum libido. That was 17 days ago. I still can't explain it, but out of the blue, I stumbled across the website YBOP. I saw your videos. Oh my god, everything you said, every symptom you identified, every emotion you identified, I have or have experienced. I saw myself in every video, in every discussion. I can?t explain how I found the website. It just happen one day. Maybe it was God. All I know is on that day I decided I would never look at pornography again. Since that day I have watched your videos over and over again. I have gain strength, encouragement, and the knowledge that I can be cured. I have to tell you, and I believe this with my heart, you and all the other men who suffer from this will save my life. So here I am at 17 days completely porn free. It's been hard, very hard. I cry at the slightest emotional scene. But I'm encouraged by the thought that I can make it. All I ask is that you do not quit. You are saving my life.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Good for you!  My husband and I have been married a long time too!  Recovery is possible!  Does she know?
 
Heavens no. My wife's father had numerous sexual affairs throughout his marriage. I'm afraid she would see this as just another affair. I've never been unfaithful to her. As everyone who is a porn addict knows, it isn't the sex or the (in my case) the woman, it's the dopamine surge, the novelty, the shock. I honestly couldn't tell you what any specific woman looked like. She wouldn't understand that this had nothing to do with her sexuality, excitement, or desirability. I'm actually not sure how she would react. Pretty emotional I'd imagine. Piling that on the reboot would be too much. I have to go this one alone.
 
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cuppatea

Guest
That's a common response that addicts have. However think about it this way, if your wife was a gambling addict or alcoholic or a porn addict for that matter as women do get hooked too, would you be ok with her never telling you? I've been totally devastated finding out about my husband but given the chance I wouldn't wish to be kept in the dark, i would still chose to be right where I am with knowing the whole full painful truth. Also from your point of view she would be a source of support, someone to be accountable to, in that she could put filtering software etc on your devices for you and so on. My final point though has to do about addiction in general. Addictions live in secrecy, lies and denial. You are out of denial but you also need to shed yourself of the secrecy and lies, not doing so will keep you living in shame and that is likely to have you relapse.

For ideas on how to tell your wife check out a thread in the partner section that buddawake made, he wrote a shared a letter in there to give to his wife to disclose to her, and disclosure is a much better way for a partner to find out.

Just something to think about anyway.
 
Cuppatea

Your post has me thinking. I completely agree and believe it would be right to tell her. I just can't right now. I tried a simple experiment a few months ago when I tried to quit before this forum support and YBOP. I confessed to her viewing a lot of anal porn. She absolutely freaked out. She cried, wouldn't let me near her, and just kept saying it was all her fault. She wouldn't do what the porn stars did so I had left her for them. Only in the last months had she kind of returned to normal. I will say that just bringing out my secret to this group has done wonders. I wouldn't be this far without it. It is so true that lies and shame live in the dark and bringing them into the light shriveled it like a dead weed. I will consider the suggestion and read the link.  Then I'll make a decision.  Thanks for being here.
 

Phase2

Well-Known Member
I'm sure it would be hard to tell her, but remember she is part of this too and she may actually be able to help you through this process. After all, she is still expecting sex and you are probably not going to be ready to give it to her for many months as you reboot. If she knows what's up, she will be more understanding. Anxiety plays a big part of impotence and there will be great anxiety if you are expected to perform but are still not ready yet.

Maybe she doesn't need to know all the gory details. Just tell her you stumbled upon this sight and that you wanted to admit that you had gotten into the habit of watching porn and you think it messed you up and now you are trying to set things right.

I go by 'the truth will set you free'. Consider this as you go forward.

Glad you found the site. Good luck buddy.
 

jjacks

Active Member
The way Weeds describes it, that is what I expect my wife's reaction to be. Hence, it is a lone struggle.
 
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cuppatea

Guest
Yeah keep the gory details out unless she specifically asks them. The things she is likely to want to know won't be which fetishes. It is likely to be how much, how often. Did you put your job or family at risk (i.e viewing at work or where kids could end up walking in on it)
Have you spent any money on the addiction and if so how much.
Have you viewed anything illegal or broken the law in any other way.
She may want to know if you've done anything interactive, sexting, chatsites, webcams etc.
Did you do any acting out in the real world.
Used facebook etc to access porn or porn subs.

Buy her Paula Halls Partner book and the book love you hate the porn.

Empathize it wasn't anything to do with her why you used but do not disregard her very real upset at it.

You'll need to be a man and support her. It's an opportunity for you to grow and show her you can be different by being truthful, caring and supportive, probably all things that have been lacking whilst actively addicted.

Good luck, telling her is the only right thing to do.

 
You absolutely right. I just have to find the right time and place. Given her past this is very delicate. Actually when you've spent 32 years together, raised two kids, and been through a lot in life you can read someone by their thoughts. I'm pretty sure she suspects something is amiss. She said only this morning she doesn't know what to do around me. She feels like I'm changing but can't figure out what's going on. I told her I'm focused on a major life change and am really trying to turn my attitude and life around. She looked at me with an eye brow raised and said she just wanted things like they were when we first met. I said, we are getting there.
It gives me a reason more than anything else to continue this reboot and be normal again.
I'll just have to proceed with the right words and situation to tell her. I will. It will just have to be the right time.
I'm 20 days in. Feeling good, confident. We went for a long walk this morning and talked more than we have in months about our lives. It felt great and she laughed. It's amazing that 20 days in the attitude change. I'm looking forward to more and more. Im thankful to all of you for you even taking the time to help with suggestions and support. It means more than you know. 
 

balanced

Active Member
Weeds, being a guy who has been married for 30 years and who has now been 1108 days PMO/MO-free, I want to agree with the advice you are receiving and add two other insights from my experience.

First, bringing everything out into the light is the best thing you can do, and really, it is the only path to success. Facing the truth about my behavior was the hardest thing I have done, and made me feel real shame for the first time in my life. I felt horribly vulnerable and exposed to my wife, allowing her to see the real me as I was then...not the man she married decades before. But you also need to know that with a commitment to complete openness and honesty came a sense of freedom I had never known before. No more lying, deceiving, hiding things, clearing out search histories or creating passwords; when that burden was removed I felt a huge weight had been lifted. I was less stressed, not as testy around my wife and others, more free to be me. You face some intense discomfort and possible upset at the outset of becoming completely honest, but you have so much to gain it is worth it.

Second, PMO/MO is one of the most selfish activities we as men can choose. It damages our ability to enter into and stay in real relationship with others, particularly our spouse/partner. If you love your wife and want a real relationship with her you need to commit to her completely, which means no PMO/MO...but it also means being completely "you" with her, and right now that is going to be a little rough. But I would suggest that you not share this with her in dribs and drabs, have a true "heart-to-heart" conversation. Prepare yourself, know what you are going to say, make sure that you give her context..."I am in a bad place, I've gotten here over time, and I want to get to a better place for me and for us. I have a porn compulsion that I have already begun to correct, and I am committed to wiping it out...and I need your support." Then let her ask questions, accept the hurt that you have caused her, no need to provide alot of details unless she asks, and then if she asks, you must answer honestly. Do this right, with respect for her, this is your first great challenge -- be honest and face the music.

Finally, I would say that I found incredible support from my wife once I let her in, and as time passed and we had honest conversation, she showed a level of commitment to me and my recovery that I could not have imagined and certainly never felt I had any right to expect. 30 years in relationship gave me a partner who cared about me enough to stay with me, and cared enough about us to be my greatest asset in my success becoming the man I want to be.

Best of luck, I feel your fear and aversion to being completely open to your wife about this...but you CAN do it, you owe it to yourself and to her.



 
It's taken a few days to consider talking to my wife. I've taken the advice of balanced and cup. I've thought it through. So, last night, very late we began. The conversation started well but quickly turned. She cried and kept saying she wanted things normal. I turned the conversation into a discussion of the symptoms rather than the cause. Depression, withdrawal, numb to life. We talked about how over the last 21 days things have definitely improved. She seemed to just be happy things were getting better regardless of the cause.  I felt she sensed where this was was going but couldn't or didn't want to hear it. Not yet. So I left it at that. I can't hurt her anymore. I simply won't. Time to put on my big boy pants and take control of me. I will continue this reboot on my own. I only ask that you please understand that everyone is unique, every situation is unique, we are all unique and have to face this our own way. I ask that I can continue to use this forum to vent, gain support, advice, and courage.
It's far from over but at least I've begun. 21 days free. No more porn. Thanks to you all.
 

jjacks

Active Member
That took courage, weeds. I didn't tell my wife, but starting the reboot, I have put my emotional energy into showing my wife love more often. Touching her, kissing on the neck, stuff like that, at unexpected times. Telling her I love her. More than I did before. I didn't realize how much I had stopped doing that. I think that is the normal she needs. Is that the kind of normal your wife wants? The rest will follow.
 
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cuppatea

Guest
I think you did well intheweeds, just take her lead with it, as things settle she may ask more and then you can be honest but as she's raw and doesn't seem open to hearing it right now i think you are right in leaving it.
 
Thanks to all for the advice and support. I have a question. Has anyone experienced leakage of semen while in a reboot?  It's weird. I'll go to the restroom to pee and immediately after I will feel a bit of pressure then a stream of semen will come out. Sometimes it's delayed and leaks after I've washed up. Now that's embarrassing and a mess.
 

balanced

Active Member
Weeds, congratulations on taking the first step toward full disclosure, I know that was scary and difficult, but I found that honesty gets easier once you get started. Yes, pace it according to your wife's ability to process it, and express your commitment to her and to becoming the man she deserves.

And yes, continue to count on this forum for support and understanding, and feel free to share your thoughts, fears, worries, and triumphs...it is a great help as you work through recovery.
 
As I approach 30 day mark I find the temptations can hit at the most inopportune time.  Riding in the car, sitting at my desk.  Not when I see an attractive woman, but when I am alone.  I am alone right now and its why I'm journaling on this site.  The demon rears his head most when I'm alone.  I have to admit the pass 24 days have been good ones.  I am happier and feel freer than I have in a long time.  Even my co-workers have noticed that I am easier to get along with.  I've re-started hobbies I had lost. 
Anyway, with my wife out of the house I am sitting here fooling with my model airplane and looking outside the window.  I find that playing music helps to quell the urges.  The right music.  Happy, good beat, and story telling.  If you find yourself alone and the urge hits try music, try looking at a picture of your wife and kids, take a walk.
I'm beating this and will be successful.
 

balanced

Active Member
I know what you are talking about when you say you feel more free...maintain your resolve and you will feel this freedom only grow...it's a wonderful feeling.

One thought, this is not a demon somewhere outside of you that rears its ugly head...it is actually inside of you, your own brain...own it, that means you have the power to overcome the urges.

Stay strong, this is just like tough exercise...
 
It's been 30 days. 1/3 the way to my goal. How do I feel?  Pretty good actually. For those of you just starting let me tell you how my last 30 days have gone.
Does quitting porn change everything? Is your life now perfect? Does it all work out?  Hell, no. Life goes on. Things still break. You still have crappy days. You have good days. You still have to go to work. Your kids and wife still need you. If you think quitting this and curing yourself of the disease of addiction suddenly makes it all good, you're in for a shock.
So, what's the difference?  For me it's how I handle life. It's how I now care so much what is going on around me. It's how I now see the little things in life. I laugh more. A lot more. And who doesn't like to laugh? Before, I was numb. Rarely smiled let alone laughed. I feel closer to my wife than ever. We have sex now and it feels good, really good, getting to the great stage.  :D.
If you have read this journal you know she doesn't know about my addiction or reboot. She does see a difference in me and has said how I seem so much more happy. In reality, she does know but just can't face it right now. I tried to tell her but......
So how am I now? Well, I cry more. Sometimes for no apparent reason. I supppse it's a release of all that has built up. Speaking of release, before I quit porn, release was sitting in "my world" of insane videos of perverse and degrading acts. The release was the dopamine numbness that overtook me. The world was "out there". I didn't have to deal with it. When something tough came along I was too numb to care. I dealt with issues like a robot.
After 30 days, I can handle life's curve balls. I can handle the bad and appreciate more the good. I'm more focused, alert, and happy.
To all those brave souls that bare it all, thank you. I have read your stories. I have cried and laughed. Laughed only because I saw myself in so many of your situations. I though for so long I was alone. You have made me see a cure is possible, your stories have inspired, thanks.
So for those of you just starting, life goes on. It doesn't stop.  Crap happens but you, now cured, can handle it better than before. Stay the course.
30 days. Day by day.
 
I am approaching 60 days porn free.  No porn, masterbation, erotic images of any kind.  I feel better than i have in years.  It's been tough. The triggers are both weird and fascinating.  The strangest things will pull at me, urging me to take a peek.  I saw a co-worker who bent over and showed her thong over her pants.  Just a glance, quicker than a second.  I was immediately taken with images of porn from the past.  My brain was urging me to run, find a place to hide ( with your iPad of course ), and look at some porn.  I will see video on the news of the beaches in Rio and the urge hits.  But after almost 60 days ( tomorrow will be 60 ), I can more easily just turn away and quell the feelings.  Sitting alone, as I am now, is no longer as difficult.  I don't immediately feel the need to bring up the favorite tube site and "numb out".  My work is better, my math skills have returned, and I am generally happier.  Life is still tough. Things and crap happen every day but I can handle it better.  My former quick temper has subsided.  I find that I don't get angry in traffic, with others, and over the littlest things.
To those just starting, it's tough, it's frustrating, it's amazing that a TV screen can take over your life.  However, you can make it. You can overcome this addiction.  The most important thing, in my opinion, to remember is you are and will always be an addict.  Porn will be like alcohol, meth, heroin, or anything else.  Your body will remember the intense rush of the first time and will scream at you to try and regain that intense feeling.  That cannot happen.  You will never be that young person on the first discovery into the world of online porn.  You are different and it's a continuing battle to never again fall into the trap that is porn. 
Part of me wants to go to the nearest high school and tell the young men and women what can happen, what will happen, if you choose this road.  But porn addiction isn't like other addictions.  Our society demands that sexual addictions will, for now, remain in the backroom.  If you recover from alcohol or drugs your seen as somewhat of a hero.  You over came.  Good for you!  If you publicly admit to addiction of porn your seen as a pervert.  "Stay away from my kids" type of pervert.  Few people realize that this is no different from alcohol or meth.  Your addicted to a behavior just a strong as someone addicted to a substance.  No difference to your brain.  My bravery is limited to this forum for now.  So to those of you exploring this as you struggle with porn, you can kick this in the ass.  You can overcome your cravings and behavior.  Your life will be so much the better.
Day by day.  60 and counting.
 
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