Hey I was arguing with some idiots on twitter that said pornography and masturbation doesn't hurt your wife/girlfriend/partner etc unless they have self esteem issues. It just sounds ridiculous to me. I just want to know how you reacted when you found out about your partner doing porn. Did it piss you off? Did you not care? I just want to find out.
Your response to finding out your partner/boyfriend/Husband did porn
- Thread starter Big H
- Start date
Truthfully I feel that you can read through the partner section and see how we all felt. I think most of us had no self esteem issues prior to discovering that our husbands/partners were getting their orgasms through their hands instead of with us. Most men will say it is not us. That is tough to swallow when the ones they are looking at, for the most part, are much younger and have the perfect body that the men seek out. (ie boobs, butt, lesbian etc.) So they can just look for that one or that many.
I think that the question about masturbation, is not one that I can really answer. If visuals are the turn on, how can they masturbate without seeing them? Or if they need a naked female body to masturbate to, why is it not us? So I don't know. However, if we take porn out of the equation, if they masturbate so much that intimacy with a partner is not necessary, then I think that is very bothersome.
I think that the question about masturbation, is not one that I can really answer. If visuals are the turn on, how can they masturbate without seeing them? Or if they need a naked female body to masturbate to, why is it not us? So I don't know. However, if we take porn out of the equation, if they masturbate so much that intimacy with a partner is not necessary, then I think that is very bothersome.
chickaboomski
Active Member
In answer to the wanking off to porn part but not addicted... When I met my partner he had been single for a long time and worked away in forrestry through the week. I knew he had high porn consumption from self satisfying on his own for years. There was no secret he didn't hide it and I didn't care. We had sex on weekends. He never ejaculated and I didn't know why, it didn't bother me at first. But as "The honeymoon phase" drew to a close sex went weekends without it and when we did still no ejaculation. He went nearly 8 months before that happened. After some time I was wondering if it was me, or if he had a condition. When we moved in together then the moods. The denying me but having porn. Wondering about the DE problem I ended up here. I am a personal trainer. Fit. No self esteem issues. I developed them when I was turned down, ignored, snapped at for no reason when I threatened his addiction. Then the hiding, sneaking, and lies. That all added up to me not being good enough all of a sudden. Not even worth looking into the info I found. Since then, my work with young victims of sexual assault, this infustry and the treatment of women in it I have gone from being totally ok with porn to hating all that it does to women and men, viewers and participants.
G
g
Guest
I think the worst thing about it is the lying part.
The lying changes everything. I don't think that's what they understand. That whilst they may have 'only' lied about their addiction, every single thing they say or do is now greeted with suspicion and questions. I look back on memories before I knew I had been lied too and it seems as if they have been tainted.
I was also told that my 'size' (I'm a size 18) doesn't help with his addiction. So now I feel somewhat guilty and pressure to become slimmer to make him more attracted to me.
The lying changes everything. I don't think that's what they understand. That whilst they may have 'only' lied about their addiction, every single thing they say or do is now greeted with suspicion and questions. I look back on memories before I knew I had been lied too and it seems as if they have been tainted.
I was also told that my 'size' (I'm a size 18) doesn't help with his addiction. So now I feel somewhat guilty and pressure to become slimmer to make him more attracted to me.
chickaboomski
Active Member
Ditto to the lies part. And g, size is not a part of it. I was told because I worked too much and he thought I was too tired. They will shift blame to not accept pesponsibilty.
chickaboomski
Active Member
Haha sorry, wondering if you are regretting asking that question. We all could go on forever. Read through all the post here like suggested first.
Absolutely masturbation is an issue. Why choose to pleasure yourself when you have a partner? Even if you like the feel of hand jobs, why not let your partner give you the hand job? Why would you choose jacking off to a computer over having real touch with a real person in a real bed, or on a real couch, or in a real chair?
I can bet you real money there is not one man out there that would rather his wife/girlfriend/etc. be screaming and moaning and grinding in a room while watching a man with a penis that makes her husband feel like a toddler instead of her telling him how wonderful he is in bed - even if she is lying through her teeth.
I can bet you real money there is not one man out there that would rather his wife/girlfriend/etc. be screaming and moaning and grinding in a room while watching a man with a penis that makes her husband feel like a toddler instead of her telling him how wonderful he is in bed - even if she is lying through her teeth.
Emerald Blue
Well-Known Member
The problem with a pornography habit is the impact it has on the relationship. Different people have different realities, and not all porn users become porn addicts. When your partner ignores you in favor of porn and it ends up with an absence of physical and emotional intimacy within the relationship, then porn is creating serious problems. If a man ends up with erectile dysfunction every time he attempts to have sex in the real world but can 'perform' OK with porn, then porn is a problem for that guy. We hear it over and over from women?porn turns men into lousy lovers. Porn isn't sex so when it comes to the art of lovemaking they don't have a fucking clue.
As for the 'abandoned' female partner only being upset if she has self esteem issues, it's not that simple. It's more likely that low self esteem is fuelling the guy's porn habit which in turn fuels his own feelings of inadequacy. As does the erectile dysfunction that eventually happens from habitually using porn. The research into porn addiction explains how the endless novelty of a never ending supply of supernormal stimuli conditions the brain and fucks up the brain's natural reward system. A man hooked on porn is effectively a lab rat, or like one of Pavlov's dogs. He starts responding to the anticipation and seeking activity. There isn't really anything sexual happening. It's just a guy with his dick in his hand staring at a screen.
The damage to the relationship comes from a lot more than just the viewing of porn or the masturbation, as the others have said, they hide it, they lie about doing it, they prioritise it over other activities, they set aside time to indulge in it. Writing this, I'm like "was this REALLY going on in my relationship?" Unfortunately, yes.
OK, on to the debate about whether or not we take it personally. Yes and no. I understand "it's not personal" in that it's a weird mindfuck that becomes compulsive and leads to addictive behavior for some people. In that sense, it's not personal. In fact, it's a very impersonal activity. In that respect, it's about as personal using a vending machine or something, I suppose. BUT it takes so much energy out of the relationship. The guy hooked on porn is actually the one who is neglecting the sexual part relationship. He's the one who isn't available. Eventually he becomes more emotionally distant too. Obviously the female partner is thinking "WTF is going on? Why is he not interested in me any more? Why is he having problems staying erect? Why can't he finish?" All the classic symptoms of porn addiction, but typically she doesn't know about porn addiction at that point. Some women might not have a clue her partner is using porn regularly. I knew my husband was using porn so I knew that he was obviously getting off to it, so I believed that I just didn't have "it" any more. That was what damaged my self esteem. Learning the science behind porn addiction taught me it wasn't a judgement on me.
In this community, we all have very different experiences, different attitudes, different ages, different cultural backgrounds, different personal situations, but we have all been in relationships that have been disrupted and sometimes destroyed by porn addiction. We are all here because of our relationships. If we choose to end that relationship, we would no longer be the partner of a porn addict. Problem solved, eh? Lol. Joking aside, being in a relationship with a porn addict is not for the faint hearted. You have to be strong willed and resilient to weather something like this. Staying is a choice. Leaving is a choice. You can't survive staying or leaving unless you believe in yourself and that negates all this "porn is only a problem for women with self esteem issues". Once you face porn you soon see who's the one with the REAL self esteem issues and 9/10 it's gonna be the guy with his dick in hand staring at a computer screen. The guy who's lost his mojo. And it's almost always the woman who sees the damage it has created.
As for the 'abandoned' female partner only being upset if she has self esteem issues, it's not that simple. It's more likely that low self esteem is fuelling the guy's porn habit which in turn fuels his own feelings of inadequacy. As does the erectile dysfunction that eventually happens from habitually using porn. The research into porn addiction explains how the endless novelty of a never ending supply of supernormal stimuli conditions the brain and fucks up the brain's natural reward system. A man hooked on porn is effectively a lab rat, or like one of Pavlov's dogs. He starts responding to the anticipation and seeking activity. There isn't really anything sexual happening. It's just a guy with his dick in his hand staring at a screen.
The damage to the relationship comes from a lot more than just the viewing of porn or the masturbation, as the others have said, they hide it, they lie about doing it, they prioritise it over other activities, they set aside time to indulge in it. Writing this, I'm like "was this REALLY going on in my relationship?" Unfortunately, yes.
OK, on to the debate about whether or not we take it personally. Yes and no. I understand "it's not personal" in that it's a weird mindfuck that becomes compulsive and leads to addictive behavior for some people. In that sense, it's not personal. In fact, it's a very impersonal activity. In that respect, it's about as personal using a vending machine or something, I suppose. BUT it takes so much energy out of the relationship. The guy hooked on porn is actually the one who is neglecting the sexual part relationship. He's the one who isn't available. Eventually he becomes more emotionally distant too. Obviously the female partner is thinking "WTF is going on? Why is he not interested in me any more? Why is he having problems staying erect? Why can't he finish?" All the classic symptoms of porn addiction, but typically she doesn't know about porn addiction at that point. Some women might not have a clue her partner is using porn regularly. I knew my husband was using porn so I knew that he was obviously getting off to it, so I believed that I just didn't have "it" any more. That was what damaged my self esteem. Learning the science behind porn addiction taught me it wasn't a judgement on me.
In this community, we all have very different experiences, different attitudes, different ages, different cultural backgrounds, different personal situations, but we have all been in relationships that have been disrupted and sometimes destroyed by porn addiction. We are all here because of our relationships. If we choose to end that relationship, we would no longer be the partner of a porn addict. Problem solved, eh? Lol. Joking aside, being in a relationship with a porn addict is not for the faint hearted. You have to be strong willed and resilient to weather something like this. Staying is a choice. Leaving is a choice. You can't survive staying or leaving unless you believe in yourself and that negates all this "porn is only a problem for women with self esteem issues". Once you face porn you soon see who's the one with the REAL self esteem issues and 9/10 it's gonna be the guy with his dick in hand staring at a computer screen. The guy who's lost his mojo. And it's almost always the woman who sees the damage it has created.
