A reason to live

[Movonnow]

So I just received my new smartphone. I installed K9. Unfortunately :

- It doesn't block facebook through internet access, I have successfully blocked the app

- It blocks yourbrainonporn

- It blocks Nofap

If any of view have an idea on how to solve those issues, they are critical to my recovery.

 

[William]

So I just received my new smartphone. I installed K9. Unfortunately :

- It doesn't block facebook through internet access, I have successfully blocked the app

- It blocks yourbrainonporn

- It blocks Nofap

If any of view have an idea on how to solve those issues, they are critical to my recovery.

I have said it before, if your smart phone is your Achilles heel, get a dumb phone.  Remember, rebooting is not a permanent lifestyle, it is a temporary time in your life where you overcome your addiction by, among other things, bringing your dopamine levels down.  If you have to get a dumb phone between now and December to accomplish that, it is really a small thing.  We all have to give up a bit in the reboot, porn most of all, so if your smart phone is that weakness, my advice, give it up.  I have seen guys 45 days clean who relapse to a smart phone.  Just be aware of it. 

 

[Movonnow]

I hear what you're saying. I didn't think of it this way. I thought it was a permanent decision but you are right. 3 weeks from now, I will be back home where I have a dumb phone. I will use it until I recover, thanks for the advice.

Anyway, it has been 3 days now. Urgh - this HURTS. I had a few urges today and successfully managed them - exercised helped a LOT, I did more than 100 push ups, 100 sit up and 100 squats.

I basically spent my day doing NOTHING. I feel my body is changing/reacting to the anormal level of dopamine released. I shake gently all the time and my brothers told me a weird smell were emanating from my body and it's true : despite showers, my smell changed (a little bit like curry). I also drink a lot of water. I litteraly can't stop from drinking water - right now I'm thirsty. I think I drink a small glass of water every 10 or 15 minutes. I don't know what happens but there are some changes going on inside my body. For instance I couldn't get up this morning or yesterday. It really motivates me, though, because if feels like I'm on the road to recovery.

Tomorrow will be the fourth day. Heading toward the week! I also found a free program journal linked at yourbrainonporn.com (that I, unfortunately, can't read on my smartphone. I think I will print some pages). I'm going to go to bed tonight, I want to get up earlier - I have some asses to kick.

 

[Movonnow]

Hey everyone,
So, I chose to stay away from porn. I don?t want any porn anymore. I mean, it?s realistic to assume I may masturbate in the future but I don?t want to look at porn anymore. And I?m not saying it from the depths of despair caused by PMO addiction. It?s a honest declaration. I?m not the type of guy who looks at porn.

Thing is, I don?t have time or internet access so I can?t record everything I go through.

I learnt a little bit more about myself and here is how I know I am addicted to PMO :
A few days ago I had a brutal argument with my parents. I then went into my bedroom and felt a huge urge to masturbate. After resisting for a while, I understood why I was feeling this urge. When I was young, I had a way to get what I wanted through manipulation. I would hurt myself (break one of my toy, physically hurt myself) and then my parents would give me some attention, some love and more or less whatever I want to comfort me. It hit me : going to my room and masturbating to porn is the same thing. I would bury myself in depths of suffering expecting my parents to come back to nurture me. However, it never work. I?ve been using this strategy for a decade now and I clearly know it doesn?t work. As soon I realized this, the urge to masturbate faded away. It was feeling very strange because I had no more reason to do it. The only thing that were pushing me towards masturbating was the dopamine released through edging and the addiction itself. The fact that I deeply and truly saw this action as useless but that something on the inside were nonetheless pushing me towards it convinced me for good that I am an addict and that I need to heal.

There is something else I realized.
I went back from the beach and felt a strong desire to masturbate. Why? Because of the sexy girls I saw there. But I understood something disturbing : I wasn?t feeling desire for the girls I saw. The only thing that happened was that I got a dopamine shoot from seeing their butt, their sexy boobs and their lean body in their swimsuit or bikini. I saw them and what I saw, maybe because it was like the kind of thing I would see in porn videos, would give me some dopamine shoot. I didn?t have any drive to do something to have sex with them. I wasn?t attracted to them. This used to drive me crazy. I would see a beautiful girl, have a dopamine boost and get back home. I would then think I was attracted to her but didn?t mustered up the courage to go talk to her. This would create a big mess in my head. I would beat myself up for being a coward, because I wasn?t able to go talk to a woman I am attracted to. But it?s not true! I can do it, I?ve already done it. The difference is in my approach. I get a dopamine boost and it calls for more dopamine. So I get home and masturbate. I fantasize about the girl and then think I?m a loser who can?t approach a girl he likes. But it was never about the girl. I see her, get a boost and I masturbate. It?s not the girl herself, it?s the dopamine boost. Because I look at real girls like I used to look at girls in porn videos. That?s why I think porn and masturbation makes me react differently to reality. I don?t see a cute girl I want to have sex with, I see a dopamine boost. I do not even consider girls as girls. They are just walking porn. I HATE THAT. That means I?m doomed to not have sex with girls ? not because I can?t, but because I simply do not view it as a possibility. So that?s something I have to work on. I want to break this link between seeing a cute girl-getting a dopamine boost. I want to install a new one : seeing a cute girl-getting genuinely turned on by HER, and not getting horny for a dopamine release. I don?t want to consider real life girls as ways to get a dopamine boost. I don?t want them to be a trigger for a masturbation. I want them to be a trigger for natural sexual desire to be with HER. Not with my dick. Look fellas, it?s horrible. Seeing a beautiful, gorgeous woman but not wanting to be intimate with her. I swear to you. Right now, I don?t want to be intimate with a woman. I only want to masturbate. A gorgeous woman, like the one I saw on the beach, could walk into my room right now and try to have sex with me, I would show her the door and pleasure myself. I CAME TO THE POINT WHERE I WOULD RATHER MASTURBATE THAN HAVING SEX WITH A GIRL, AND REAL GIRLS ONLY SERVES AS A TRIGGER OR SUPPORT(VIA FANTAISIZING)TO MASTURBATION. That?s the second thing I want to get rid of. Like, I?m always horny, thinking things like ?I want to fuck her so badly?, but that?s not true. All I want is jerk off by myself. Why am I thinking like that so? Because it gives me a dopamine boost.

Masturbating is boring.
I need fantasies, sextoys or something, but pleasuring myself like that, without anything additional feels boring. Another proof I?m addicted. I mean, if I want to have pleasure, I must use more hard core material or do things that do not give me any pleasure(and that I don?t want to do) but which gives me dopamine boost. It leaves me empty, thinking ?is that it??

So, my plan :

• No porn. I don?t want any porn anymore whatsoever
  
• Fight the urges to masturbate
  
• Live my life to the fullest + balanced lifestyle
  

 

[Movonnow]

1. I am addicted.
2. I want to recover from this addiction.
3. My addiction is a dopamine addiction.
4. The only way to recover is to take my dopamine level to a normal level.
5. This mean one thing: not giving my brain it?s dopamine fix.
6. I have no or little control over myself ? 2 times out of 3 I give in and get my dopamine fix.
7. Therefore, will power is not enough to achieve recovery.
8. Strategy: avoid triggers. When urges are inevitable, use tools to not give in.
9. In case of a relapse: reflect and find out how not to relapse next time the same thing happens.
10. I must live an asexual life during recovery, go monk monde and forget about sex and women.

Triggers:
Cravings for dopamine ? withdrawal
Unbalanced lifestyle: eat/sleep/exercise.
Anything I see related to sex, therefore anything related to women
Emotional imbalance
Stress



Passive tools/preventive measures to avoid urges:
Dumb phone. No internet connection.
First thing in the morning: jog
Last thing in the evening: Tai Chi Chu?an
Get 100% involved in my business. Forget everything else.
My penis is dead, I?m an asexual human being for the time it takes to recover. Focus on business.

Active tools/what to do when an urge arise ? MY BATTLE PLAN:
I don't have any. Maybe you could help?

 

[Movonnow]

Hi.

I discovered the cause of my PMO addiction.

PMO, in fact, was only a symptom. PMO was a tool I used to escape from the pain of my last break up. Sadly, it soon became an addiction in itself and I began to use it to both escape and get my dopamine release through PMO.

A little background :

Last year, I was preparing to enter college. I have been working like hell during the past years to get in there and all I wanted was to have lots of sex with a slutty and perverted girl. I only had sex once in my life, with a girl I wasn't attracted to, and it was shit. Plus, I was on the begining of a huge Nofap streak so I was full of sexual energy. I found a girl. Exactly the slutty girl I wanted. I will skip the relationship part of the story itself. All you have to know is that I fell in love with her. She was the first girl I had regular sex with, I spent all my time with her and she became of the outmost importance to me.

What triggered my PMO addiction(again):

Six months ago, I broke up with my "girlfriend". I say "girlfriend" and not girlfriend for a reason. After we broke up, she told me very calmly that she didn't love me, that she didn't care about me and that she has been cheating on me this whole time. It was done in a calm manner, not in the "I hate you for dumping me so I will hurt you" manner. A few weeks later, I was diagnosed with severe depression. I couldn't get out of my room anymore. Hell, I couldn't even get out of my bed to pee or take a shower. A few days after the break up I began to masturbate again. Remember that I've just had a 160 days+ streak so that I had rewired. The break up triggered my PMO addiction, but why?

Why my reaction to the break up was to masturbate like crazy:

My first reaction when I heard her say that was denial. Then other people gave me proof of her cheating on me. Undeniable proof. One week after the break up, she had fucked 3 other guys and 2 weeks after she had a new boyfriend. She was my whole world. My second reaction was one of "I never loved her. I never cared about her. Good riddance". I didn't want to appear to be needy, knowing I loved her so much and she felt nothing for me the whole time. So I denied all the feelings I've had, all the sacrifices I've made. I didn't want to aknowlege that her attitude hurt me. In fact, two things motivated this behavior of denying the truth :

    I had been oblivious to all the signs that she was cheating along the relationship. I really have been a dumb fool. Ego kicked in and made me refuse to acknowledge the facts that I needed her more than she needed me.

    I didn't want to admit that I have been behaving in a coward and wimpy manner. I was weak. As I needed her a LOT, I was kind of her slave. I basically sacrificed all the manly qualities that are of importance to me (being independant, not letting people disrespect you and some other things).

I didn't want to recognize those truths, because I prefered the illusion of being a strong man that was not hurt the slightest by her behavior. Why, therefore, was I feeling like crap? Why was I feeling sadness, anger and regrets? I didn't answered this question. I used PMO to numb those feelings. There, I could not feel anything anymore. I could therefore go on to believe that I felt nothing for her and that I was not hurt by the break up. Denial.

I am currently at day 4, and all those feelings are coming back. This helps me to understand what is really going on. I feel true, deep sadness, I begin to think about her more. I even have weird ideas. For instance, I miss her so much that I've had the idea of buying the same panties she had and to masturbate with them. This could, in some way, bring me closer to her sexually (since sex was the only thing we really shared).

So what am I going to do?

Well, I use PMO to numb the feelings. But if I don't allow the feelings to be there, I will always be pushing them away and I will never find peace. I want to welcome the feelings and to feel them 100%. After all, this is how one usually get over a break-up: first, feeling the bad emotions which allows to then move on. I can not make those feelings disappear by numbing them with porn or masturbation. The only way I can make them disappear is to welcome them with humility into my heart and my soul and then to let them go in time. PMO only makes things worse, really.

Tl;Dr: I made the mistake to give myself 100% to a girl who wasn't giving a single fuck about me and I wasn't clever enough to understand it. After the break up, I wanted to think that I also wasn't giving a fuck because of ego and misplaced pride. Feelings were telling me the truth: I have been madly in love with her. So I used PMO to shut down the feelings. Remember, porn is not the cause, it's the symptom!

 

[noises1990]

Nice work on discovering this! Keep your head up man and always remember that you're the most important person to yourself! I do understand compassion and being kind, but first of all (to not get you fcked up) you gotta be compassionate and kind to yourself...

Stay strong man and take care!

 

[Movonnow]

Although I truly have no interest anymore in using porn and masturbation(on the contrary!), I relapsed hard. For the first time in 4 months I looked at some hardcore porn and, oh man, I understand how I became addict to this shit in my youth. The high is so intense!

Why did I do that? My dad removed all my filters, saying it was preventing the computer to function properly. It was doing well to me but hey, couldn't say anything.

Lesson learned: Although I have no interest anymore in porn and masturbation, there is still the addiction lying. Next week I will be back home without my parents and I will get rid both of my internet connection and my smartphone.

Praying for my finals.

 

[Movonnow]

My goal with Nofap has always been to avoid ejaculating (since it's what depletes me of most of my energy) and porn (since it's whats leads one to addiction, escalade in the type of porn used, modified expectations etc....)

I recently discovered a way to masturbate and have an orgasm without ejaculating so that now I'm masturbating everyday without ejaculating.

The high is intense and there is almost no down. Plus, since there is no loss of sperm, I can masturbate at the begining of each down to get high again.

However, I soon recognize that this attitude of "it feels great, let's do more and when I feel the negative consequences I only have to do it again" is what led me to PMO addiction many years ago.

The negative effects of O without sperm loss and without porn seems to be insignificant but still, there is something that bugs me here even if I can't put my finger on it.

I would like your opinion, please.