New Journal 2017

[Fight or Flight]

Hello,
Have decided to start my journal and participate on this forum again since I have asked my husband of 19 years(PA) to do this, so thought I should take the time to journal as well. I had deleted my previous account as I am actively trying to save this marriage and it was very triggering to see some partners leaving and moving on, makes you question your decision when you are trying to remain positive.

I'll be trying to update every day as I do have a habit of going off to "disconnection land" when it all gets too much for me and that is always two steps back in this horrid journey.

Why I have decided to stay and work on this? Not really 100% sure but I do question this a lot. There's quite a few reasons, mainly because I do love my husband and we have a history of 20 years so can't just turn my back on him, seeing him in a self destruct zone is very painful and I feel if this was a physical illness I would stand by him no question so I should do the same. BUT it takes all of me and then some to remind myself of this everyday, sometimes walking away and never looking back seems very appealing. Hence the name Fight or flight!

 

[Fight or Flight]

Thanks JKS yes I have read maintaining a journal helps so I am giving it a go. Let's see, at this stage willing to try anything, just want to feel like my old self, not sure if/when that would happen. I had always been a very positive and trusting person, which also makes me think was a reason husband could keep this a secret for so long, and back stab me the way he did, as I always chose to look at the positives even when things felt off. I CHOSE to focus on the good things in him even when all the signs were there yet he still struggles to CHOOSE me, to choose us. I never knew loving me, being honest with me, finding sexual pleasure only in me, would be such a hard choice for him. Why stay married if it's all such a struggle then to be faithful to the person you claim to love.

Not having a good day

 

[aquarius25]

Good job reaching out FoF, there is an entire community here ready to support you. Making a journal can not only be therapeutic but also it can help others. I have always found it motivating to know that maybe someone can learn or be helped by my process. Just know that you are not alone and you are making a difference too.

 

[le_petit_moster]

Hello,
Have decided to start my journal and participate on this forum again since I have asked my husband of 19 years(PA) to do this, so thought I should take the time to journal as well. I had deleted my previous account as I am actively trying to save this marriage and it was very triggering to see some partners leaving and moving on, makes you question your decision when you are trying to remain positive.

I'll be trying to update every day as I do have a habit of going off to "disconnection land" when it all gets too much for me and that is always two steps back in this horrid journey.

Why I have decided to stay and work on this? Not really 100% sure but I do question this a lot. There's quite a few reasons, mainly because I do love my husband and we have a history of 20 years so can't just turn my back on him, seeing him in a self destruct zone is very painful and I feel if this was a physical illness I would stand by him no question so I should do the same. BUT it takes all of me and then some to remind myself of this everyday, sometimes walking away and never looking back seems very appealing. Hence the name Fight or flight!

Dear Fight...
I read your log and felt like asking you if you/SO would be interested in this post..http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=11997.0
All of us try the Willpower Method as it is our first instinctive one.
When we fail - we feel miserable and guilty. Worse is when we are successful. We feel miserable and deprived.
The Method proposed does not use will power, scare tactics or anything of that sort. They are counter productive.
Thoughts turn to Urges which turn to Cravings. The best stage to cut it out is at the thoughts stage.
One can't (a) ignore (b) fight (c) try NOT to think - it only transfers power from you to PMO.
The Method will give you the right mind set to say ' Yipee, Isn't great I don't need to PMO no more. I am free. I am not a slave no more" ...at the first thought.
I wish you both well.

 

[Fight or Flight]

Thank you Aquarius 25 and JKS for checking in, it prompted me to update my journal.

Past couple of days have been an absolute struggle for me to stay positive, but I know it doesn't help our situation, as it feels if I am depressed and feeling low, husband gets more depressed and down. I really wish he would step up at those times and reassure me, but I feel like I have to carry all this burden on my own, can't rely on him for any support.
I have always been a very positive person but his addiction and the fact he could keep this a secret for so long has shaken me to my core. I feel like a fool, how could I get back stabbed like this? By the one person who is supposed to protect me, and love me and I trusted him with all my heart. And even then I worked and pushed us forward for four months, did all the right things, thought he was finally recovering and then he relapsed again. That hurts like nothing before. As I thought we were out of the dark, and things were looking up for us, I was finally a little at ease after four excruciating months, but nope there definitely was no recovery as he lied without batting an eye, again and again to my face to hide his relapse. How can anyone get to this level of selfishness and self centred behaviour where they think it is ok to lie and keep someone in the dark. I would have foolishly counted more weeks and celebrated more milestones and he would have acted along had I not discovered his relapse? I just struggle with this.

I miss my old self, wish I can be that person again, always hopeful, always positive....Now I am just a bitter, negative person full of resentment, anger and regret.

Thanks for your post too le_petit_moster. I don't think I can make my husband read any more books, watch anymore videos etc, I am just tired after trying again and again. AT the end of the day he has to be at a place where he seeks help and all the info he can get. He is on the forum though which I had to force him to join in the hopes it would be a good positive habit to form, so I am sure he will come across your book if he choses to read up on helping himself.

 

[Steph]

I am so so sorry that so many of us end up in this place...I relate to pretty much everything you have just written FoF.... I have had a bad past few days realising that my husband is thoroughly incapable of honest communication with me, regardless of whether I actively encourage, state explicitly what I need/want to hear from him, or just stand back quietly and calmly and wait thinking he just needs more time or space to come around...it's bloody excrutiating to be at the point where his lack of active recovery feels like a full blown crisis to me, and yet he is changing nothing about opening up or doing anything outwardly to convey he understands the importance of this, and is ready to take it seriously and make real changes and learn to say at least a few reassuring things....ugh. So glad to have this place for support though, and I apreciate your posts.

 

[Fight or Flight]

Steph I can totally understand what you are saying, I could have written your post. Going through exactly the same thing and dealing with exactly the same emotions. Feel helpless at times!
I have had slightly better days but that's mainly because I have been trying to get myself out of the negative hopeless state I was in. Unfortunately it isn't because I can see my husband doing all the right things. He tries sometimes but it all seems a very half hearted effort. I just wish he could see the damage his addiction has done to him, to us, our kids and every other aspect of his life. I have known him since we were both very young and he certainly wasn't anything like this person he has become or I wouldn't have married him for sure. I know people change, everyone does, but is it wrong to assume that their character, moral values will not change. He used to watch porn occasionally in our early years of marriage as well, and I hated that he would do this behind my back more than the porn itself. After putting up with this for a few years I had had enough and had decided to walk away but then he promised this would never be an issue again. I had asked him to make the choice it's either us or porn, can't have both, and I thought he made an honest choice. But nope he just became better at hiding it. It wasn't an addiction at that point, there wasn't even high speed porn available at the time. SO this hurts the most... he already knew it's either porn or me, he wasn't addicted at the time, he knew this bad habit will tear us apart yet he continued on, to the extent he became an addict. That feels like a slap on my face. I can try to forgive whatever happened once it became an addiction but this part, that he chose to do this knowing very well if he gets caught that would mean the end of our relationship, I struggle with this the most.
I am hoping he would "wake up" to reality this time. I hope he would see and accept the problem and the damage it has caused to both our lives, and be proactive in fixing this. If it was upto me I would have walked a thousand miles by now to fix this, as I love him and I want our relationship to work but unfortunately I can't recover for him...

 

[Fight or Flight]

Yes JKS I find it really odd as well. He agrees/commits to most things, but there is no consistency. And yes it does come across as not giving enough of a shit  :-X There seems to be no urgency in his attitude, maybe he thinks things will just sort themselves out, I don't know but it is heartbreaking.
On a positive note though it was a good weekend, spent a lot of time together, watched our fav shows etc and had a really good time. He is my best friend and there has never been an issue in "buddy type" things....how sad is this?  :'(

I feel like a Yo-Yo theses days as I am constantly going from being ok, to just hating all of this, hating to be put in this situation, I didn't choose this life, he brought this into our lives and into our home, yet I have to bear the consequences of his weak willpower and self control...

 

[Fight or Flight]

JKS sorry for the late reply, been quite down the past few days so didn't have the energy to post here. I have that book and we have read most of it, however we haven't read it since he relapsed in Dec. Even though I have suggested a few times, it's just frustrating even when I spell out what needs to be done,  he still can't do it. I have to push for everything everytime and I am just getting worn out.

On a positive note though he did go to his first counselling session last week but again it felt like I had to drag him there. I am shattered myself and then to add to that is all this weight of pushing for his recovery, I just feel like giving up sometimes. He says he will do whatever is required but there is no action. Nothing seems to get through to him. I have made a list, he couldn't stick to it for more than two days. I cry, I yell, I beg but nothing seems to get through to him. He is always asking how I am, how I am feeling, always open to hear me out but then nothing gets done. He thinks abstaining is enough, even though when we talk he commits to everything I ask him, but its just talk no action...just a hopeless situation....

 

[Fight or Flight]

Thanks JKS for always checking in.

I am not sure what has happened or what has clicked but  hubby seems to have made a 180 degree turn, and I am so happy and hopeful.
Though with this also comes the fear that it won't last, but that is my struggle and I am working on my own negative thoughts and fears. But I have no doubt if he stays the course this time, he will surely recover.
In the last couple of days I have felt a real emotional connection with him after almost a decade I think. He broke into tears for a brief minute as he was talking about his grandma, who was more like his mother, and she passed away few years ago. I miss her a lot too, and I was just so surprised he cried as he was remembering her. I think he didn't cry (atleast not infront of me) just a few years back when she left us and I always thought it was strange that he didn't mourn properly, didn't even talk about his loss or sadness.

We are going on an overseas trip that we had planned months ago. Past couple of months I have often thought about cancelling the trip, but I am  feeling less anxious about it now, even a bit excited that it might do us good. I really enjoy his company, and I am looking forward to spending the next few weeks with him. I am hoping he will continue the recovery work though and not fall off track, but all in all felling nothing but positive...... Just hope it won't all come crashing down again....