Breaking Up With Porn

ksempai

Active Member
Day 0

Wow this has been a long journey since I began everything nearly 3 years ago. So many big ups and plenty of downs too, sounds very much like life.

I have returned to this forum as it was the very first place I began my journey and the place I learnt so much about the harmful effects of porn. Since then I have learnt so much more and grown in the personal development side and now understand this process to be more so about creating something else and adding it to your life as opposed to removing something from your life, which simply leaves a deep void.

I've set my resolution or One Big Change for 2017 to be to find myself a steady and loving relationship. This is something I have never had in my 28 years on this planet to date and the area I know I have to work on. Porn has always been my long term relationship, to the point my poor brain finds it so difficult to distinguish between intimate & passionate sex in a loving relationship and porn.

Reasons why I'm committing to undertake working towards and making this change RIGHT NOW in 2017 and beyond:

[list type=decimal]
[*]The biggest thing I truly desire and want in this life is a girlfriend, a bestfriend, someone who I can love from the deepest depths of my heart, and to be able to give them the world
[*]To reclaim my manlihood and sexual energy. To be able to stand strong and proud of who I am physically, emotionally, & sexually
[*]To never have to deal with PIED ever again!
[*]To move myself forward on the path towards having my own family
[*]To be fully committed and successful in my business
[*]To reclaim my self-confidence and self-esteem
[/list]I have previously found a quote that summarises my feelings at the time of my post so will continue with that, as well as including my achievements and things to be grateful for.


"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible"
- St Francis of Assisi

Achievements: The switch in my head has flicked again to set back focused on this path. I had sex last night and know I'm capable of achieving what I need to.
3 Things I'm Grateful for: 1. I have the sense and awareness to get back on the horse here. 2. I know that I'm able to recover. 3. I have a pretty good life compared to many others.
 

ksempai

Active Member
Day 1 - AM

Checking in this morning to set myself on the right track today. I've awoken feeling pretty good about the day ahead. Clear headed, excited, ready to achieve.

Actions to take & Tasks to complete today:
  • Meditate
  • Be grateful
  • Buy breakfast greens
  • Karate emails
3 Things I'm Grateful for: 1. This amazing day and opportunity I've been given to go out and create something in this world. 2. My health and access to simple daily hygiene products and facilities. 3. The house I'm living in.

"Without change there is no innovation, creativity, or incentive for improvement. Those who initiate change will have a better opportunity to manage the change that is inevitable."
- William Pollard
 

ksempai

Active Member
Day 2 - AM

Yesterday was a great day. Ticked off all the tasks I'd set myself and managed to get some extra exercise in. My biggest challenge was last night a girl that I've been seeing on/off started sending me "hump  day" pics on snapchat. It really killed my head and I found it near on impossible to fall asleep.

I knew I'd feel the backlash today from it and things have been slow going all morning. On the positive I've at least been able to organise to catch up with her this weekend. I've previously spoken with her about ridding my life of porn and it's negative effects so I'm hoping she can be someone who I can use as support through this process and to help rewire my brain towards real girls.

I'm super glad the sun has actually just come out now after there being some odd rain initially. I'm rewatching all Gabe's videos to remotivate. I'm trying to get myself back into the mindset that I was in when I was last here. That was the strongest I've ever felt committed to the cause which actually stemmed from a similar incident to what led me back this time. If I can gather that same energy and momentum. Keep reading my old journal. Keep pounding into my head why this is a no brainer and no option process, I know things will gradually become easier.

I cannot continue with this. I need to get my boners back. I need to find myself a loving relationship and gorgeous girl. I want to have a family one day. I need to stay focused on my business and give back as much as I can to them.
All this can only be done by staying true to this cause.

Today's actions:
  • LDP planning
  • Beach time chills
  • Dinner with Mum and my sister
  • BBC class brainstorming
  • Revise holiday to-do list and tasks that are still yet to be completed
  • ROM session
"Successful people maintain a positive focus in life no matter what is going on around them. They stay focused on their past successes rather than their past failures, and on the next action steps they need to take to get them closer to the fulfillment of their goals rather than all the other distractions life presents to them."
- Jack Canfield
Past successes:
  • I've achieved 50+ days 4 times already
  • I've seen the benefits of rebooting and rewiring through amazing sex and life progress, and this is only the tip of the iceberg
  • I've had girls show genuine interest to me
  • I've felt confident in who I am and knowing what I want
  • I've been the life of social groups
  • I've been complimented on my energy and enthusiasm for getting things done
3 Things I'm Grateful for: 1. Steven has returned from holiday to relieve work pressure. 2. My bed is fucking comfortable. 3. This amazing city I live in with incredible summer weather.

Achievements: I've taken the first hardest steps in snapping the mindset and complacency of just looking at porn everyday, and now am searching for how to improve my life and take action. Sent out an email to all parents which has been grinding on me to get done.
 

ksempai

Active Member
Day 2 - PM

Things were a little tough today. I felt very pushed by urges to cave.

Trigger: conversation, texting with recent sexual partners
Altered Behaviours: got out of the house and went to the beach - unfortunately got sunburned in the process; listened to motivational podcasts/interviews/speeches/music; was able to attend karate and do my own training instead of teaching.
Result: urges subsided initially and was enlightened to the fact that a major driver is a feeling or emptiness or lack of connection; urges returned upon coming back home after the beach - I'm going to have to determine ways of managing this as I can't continually get out of the house, particularly when I have work to complete, I may try start utilising the library however also; urges subsided again after training hard.

Achievements: I rode out the urges; I was able to be aware of my triggers and situation; I got some extra training; I've completed 2 days from what felt like nowhere.
 

ksempai

Active Member
Day 3 - PM

What a day today was! I woke up feeling energized and ready to go. Day got off to a cracker and I achieved plenty. I was able to share a bit of my journey with someone which is always an absolute massive weight from the shoulders. It's probably the most I've ever discussed and gone into depth about PIED with someone I know in person. It was great that they were very understanding of it all and really laid no judgement. I think the truth is people rarely ever will judge and will more often than not be very understanding and helpful towards you when you share it. I've found it is often our own insecurities about the situation that lead us to believe people will shun you for it. Something I'm continuing to work on, and gradually getting better at.

Towards the end of the day I copped some news that my dad had been admitted to hospital the other night for a TIA and has had numerous occurrences leading up to today. It's been funny, everyone has been waiting for something like this to happen to him and has warned him on numerous occasions. He was the only one taken by surprise by this happening to him now though and is still trying to find excuses to it. It was heartening to hear from my sister though that he had said he appreciated talking to me and did take something away from it regarding my knowledge and slight expertise in the area. I just hope he can take heed of the advice and actually change his life now. It's a funny situation. Every is kind sad for the situation but there is so much acceptance by everyone except for him.

Normally I would have turned to porn in a time like this, and the thought did cross my mind. I'm super proud of the fact I declined it and seeked out people to talk to and went and exercised instead to help deal with the news. It's a good step in the right direction for me. Just got to keep taking these days one at a time.

"We don't develop courage by being happy everyday. We develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity"
- Barbara De Angelis

3 Things I'm Grateful for: 1. I've been able to patch up my relationship with my dad to a reasonably good point up to now which makes these situations a little easier. 2. I have such a supportive family and amazing bro and sisters. 3. I've been able to become aware of how to live a good and healthy life at a young age and so will be able to put myself in a better position for my kids.

Achievements: I turned to productive activities to help deal with difficult and rare emotions; I knocked off a big bunch of tasks from my holiday to-do list today.
 

ksempai

Active Member
Day 5 - AM

So I had a date cancel on me last minute again last night. I've now cut off communication from this girl as it has happened multiple times. It really pissed me off last night and it would've been a tough night if I had've just stayed at home. Thankfully a friend messaged me to see if I wanted to come over for drinks. It was a good opportunity and was able to take my mind off being stood up. Great to know I've got my friends to rely on. I didn't really get to vent on the issue last night but have been able to a little bit with another female friend.

Today is a completely free day and I have a slight hangover. This is commonly a time I'd turn to porn, more so out of boredom and trying to console my hangover and loneliness. I'm currently feeling quite content about just sitting with myself today and searching through my thoughts. I can definitely feel my sexual energy building in me. I need to determine someway to release this now given that I won't be seeing this other girl anymore.
My head is feeling a little lost about how to deal with it right now, normally it'd be tinder, or porn but I've deleted all this now. I'm craving some female attention in someway right now. I'll have to find a way to soothe this.

Any suggestions from anyone?

?Do stuff. be clenched, curious. Not waiting for inspiration's shove or society's kiss on your forehead. Pay attention. It's all about paying attention. attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. stay eager.?
? Susan Sontag

3 Things I'm Grateful for: 1. My friends. 2. This forum as a place to download my thoughts freely. 3. Dad is okay and expected to recover well.
Achievements: Becoming more self-aware of my emotions and responses to them
 

ksempai

Active Member
Relapsed today in the end. Everything had finally became too much for me today and I needed a release.

Home alone for a day is definitely a weak point for me, particularly if hungover. Going forward I need to be aware of this and try combat by planning for those days, getting out of the house. I need to find a simple activity I can do at these times.

On the flip side I'm looking forward at going into this week. Dad's doing better, I've cut communications with Bella who has a way of causing stress to me. My focal points going forwards now are work, finding some hobbies for downtime, and focusing on improving my social interactions.

Day 1 tomorrow. I look forward to hitting my ever elusive 60 day barrier this year.
 

ksempai

Active Member
Day 1 -PM

Today was a good day. Back on the horse. Motivated to engage socially, completed important work tasks, and kept fit.

Today's Actions/Tasks:
  • Journalled
  • Meditated
  • Read
  • Made a good breakfast
  • Business Admin tasks
  • Hit the gym
  • Napped
  • Walked to get coffee
  • Taught classes
  • Bought groceries
  • Cooked dinner
  • Watched Netflix
  • Reboot Nation entry
  • ~ 7hrs sleep

3 Things I'm Grateful for: 1. Having students attend first class back today and being super excited to return. 2. Having a basic ability to cook for myself. 3. Just a great day weather wise.

Achievements: Completed all the major tasks needed to for work today; kept my relapse to one day; new student with a great class.

"We are at our very best, and we are happiest, when we are fully engaged in work we enjoy on the journey toward the goal we've established for ourselves. It gives meaning to our time off and comfort to our sleep. It makes everything else in life so wonderful, so worthwhile."
- Earl Nightingale
 

ksempai

Active Member
Day 4

Things are going well and I'm happy with my progress. Having only 1 day of relapse and then getting my head back into gear to go again on another streak is a positive step for me. I've always had a tendency to let my relapses snowball into bigger binges in the past. I'm definitely committed to breaking through my mental barrier of 60 days. I know once I'm through this a big weight will be gone and I'll open myself up to continuing on for life.

Working hard to keep on top of my self awareness and ensuring I'm getting my simple tasks done each day. So far been good. Been using the Coach.me app to help build and keep track of all my general beneficial life habits.

Had some good chats with Bec yesterday. It's good to be communicating with girls on a regular basis at the moment without having thoughts about whether I should be pursuing it as a relationship or not. I've previously put a lot of pressure on myself by constantly questioning and trying to second guess whether or not a girl is interested in a romantic relationship, friendship, or a friend with benefits type situation. I'm enjoying not concerning myself about this for now and not being so caught up on whether I'm doing what the girl wants. This process is about me and getting myself right. I need to do what's right for me at the moment. I'll know when "that" girl is "in front" of me.

Today's Actions:
  • Made a good nutritious and energising breakfast
  • Taught kickboxing class
  • Meditated
  • Napped
  • Made business phone calls
  • Attended gym
  • Got lunch
  • Journalled
  • Completed daily admin tasks
  • Took some personal time out to watch the cricket
  • Finished a section of future class planning
  • This entry

  • Teach this afternoon's classes
  • Head to Mum's for dinner
"Success requires first expending ten units of effort to produce one unit of results. Your momentum will then produce ten units of results with each unit of effort"
- Charles J. Givens

3 Things I'm Grateful for: 1. I'm getting a free meal at mum's tonight. 2. My mindset right now. 3. 2 new trials in class today.
Achievements: Maintaining my relapse to only 1 day; taking the pressure off myself to perform and do what's right for everyone else and just looking after myself
 

ksempai

Active Member
Day 5

Had a good chat with Mum last night and was able to talk through a few things with her regarding Dad's situation. It's nice to be able to air things with her as she see's eye-to-eye with me on a lot of things, even though I know she doesn't like discussing Dad a whole lot as she has moved on from him in her life. I do really appreciate it when she is happy to give me her time and be open to discuss Dad with me.
There's a lot going on at the moment within my family and we're all dealing with it in our own way. I have to keep pulling myself back from it all and re-centering my focus on what is actually important right now.
That is to look after myself first.
I cannot help and support anyone else if I'm not in great shape myself. This can be really tough sometimes as I'm naturally a very empathic and caring person, particularly to my siblings, but if I want to really make a big change and pull my family out of this, I have to buckle down on myself and get myself to the correct place. PMO is of no help to this. Being happy and content in myself and having a partner who can give me the love and human connection I require is the correct direction forward to being able to help others.

Today's my day off so I need to find some things to do that will connect me with people and keep my mind active. If I sit and dwell today, my mind will very quickly wander and look to PMO as a way to cope and manage with everything happening around me right now.

Today's Positive Actions:
  • Make a good brekky
  • Meditate
  • Be grateful
  • Exercise and Move
  • Go to the beach
  • Journal
  • Read
"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
- George Bernard Shaw

3 Things I'm Grateful for: 1. My mum. 2. Getting a day off to focus on myself. 3. Another beautiful beach day
Achievements: New members starting to sign up already!
 

ksempai

Active Member
So things have been a bit of a roller coaster lately. Haven't personally checked in myself of late but have been hanging about here reading through other people's journey's at times which is refreshing to keep my head pointed in the correct direction, even when things within myself seem difficult and lost.

I've been doing a lot of deep self work lately in trying to get some deeper motives and directions set and stable in my life and thus have not been as dedicated to steering clear of PMOing lately. I haven't been overly concerning or laying guilt/stress on myself about relapsing as much through this process. I suppose I've felt okay about it because I know I'm doing harder deeper work on other issues which will help to build a foundation for when I do begin to really dig into and commit to no PMO again. This kind of correlates to Timmy Ferriss' concept of Minimising Decision Fatigue, which he describes as you effectively having a limited number of HP each day for willpower/making decisions. Once this is used up, you begin to take the easy, lazy, or nothing path, i.e. path of least resistance.

The way I see this is that stopping PMO requires a lot of simple, yet challenging decisions/personal arguments to help initiate and build that momentum which all chip away at your decision making HP. This is okay when the majority of the rest of your life is in a good routine and flow; however, if you have other challenges cropping up in life at the same time while trying to build momentum, you end up feeling incredibly drained and at loose ends.

So all in all, I've been working on aligning and settling the routines of the other areas of my life so as to allow the fatiguing effect from PMO thoughts/decisions be made more easily with less impact to my willpower HP when I'm ready to tackle it head on again.

Where I'm at currently...I've made some really good ground that I'm really happy with
  • My weekly work routine has just about returned to normal with the introduction of new tasks that had to be made this year.
  • Dad's health run in's are settling and he's gaining an understanding within himself of some changes he has to make and has recruited some good support and help from professionals to guide him in this - less stress for me in trying to educate him and worrying about him.
  • I've completed my business plan for the year so have some solid direction for the next 12 months written down now.
  • I've begun dating this super cute and smart girl who is digging me just as much back
  • I've been reconnecting with my friendship circle and reinserting myself back into being social again - my feelings of loneliness are subsiding and my self-contentment is settling
I think the biggest and most impactful one of these for me right now is the relationship and social circle improvements. This is the primary area of my life that PMO has been replacing and it feels fucking good to feel some connection with other people again and to be just enjoying bantering and having fun with people again. It's definitely been worth the investment of time and energy.
I feel my Wagon Wheel of Life is beginning to evenly round itself out again which is going to allow me to push further forward in all areas more strongly now. Hooray for successes :)
 

jbfelker

Member
  Hey KroSen,

Thanks for the journaling, man. Your story has helped me out, it's good to see someone else's journey and success. Also, I like the way you format each post, it flows nicely.

~Jack
 

ksempai

Active Member
Day 4

Thanks for the comments Jack and Gazz. It means a lot to hear from you both and your compliments on my journalling. I'm glad it makes sense to you because this is all pretty much a brain dump for me whenever I check-in. Nice to know some people are getting something from it. All my best to both of you in your journeys, I've had a quick read through your journals and hats off to you both, you both seem to have a solid direction in mind which makes a big difference. There's a quote that comes to mind that is relevant to this concept and also leads into where I'm feeling I'm at today, I can't remember it exactly or who coined it but it follows along the lines of:

"If you have not set a target, you will almost definitely miss the target every time"

Today brings about some great successes and achievements and also brought forth some new challenges and things I have to knuckle down on. I'm really impressed with myself in how I've progressed in my personal development recently and getting a lot of things in my life back on track. Now I'm feeling the next step is that I have to jump back on the PMO free wagon.

I'm also looking for any advice or suggestions anyone may have about a challenge I've come up against. I've done some reading on YBOP yesterday to try give me some guidance but would appreciate any other help people may be able to provide. I'll get to all this in a moment though.

Successes
So things with this girl I've been seeing recently are feeling really good. She messaged me this morning wanting to come hang out, which she did right up into the arvo until we both had things we had to do so had to part ways. This is great progress in my One Big Change for 2017 (entering into a serious relationship) It's still really early days, but inside me I'm wanting to give this a really good crack. It's probably the best I've ever felt about any girl I've ever been with before and felt like it's been reciprocated back. I mean she meets all my criteria of My Perfect Girl, in my eyes at least anyway:
  • She is fit and healthy
  • She is ambitious and driven
  • She has her own friends who she spends time with
  • She has a cute laugh & beautiful smile
  • She is classy
  • She is intelligent
  • She has a genuine care for people and things
  • She has a deep love for & cherishes me for me (this is obviously relative to where we are both at, ultimately she reflects the level of intensity I feel these things towards her; being I wouldn't necessarily say I have a deep love for her as yet but I do like her)
Challenges
One thing did lead to the next today and it didn't take long before we were both naked and fooling around. It pretty much continued like this right up until she had to go. However, through this it was brought to my attention that I'm still heavily suffering from PIED. I'd kind of been fooling myself previously in my most recent encounters as none of them really had any sensuality to them and were much more rough and involved which allowed me to get enough of an erection through porn fantasy to follow through.
Today though things were different. We were a lot more passionate with each other, and she is a lot more sensual than pretty much all the other girls I've ever been with. I liked it :) Ultimately though I wasn't able to get it up for her and maintain being hard enough to have sex. Thankfully I do have the ability to please a girl in other ways quite well and so I was able to keep her very happy and satisfied, her words not mine.

Question/Requested Input
This needs to be addressed though, and I feel I need to bring this issue up with her as we are in the honeymoon period where feelings and intensity is high and so plenty more of this is going to be happening, which is great for my re-wiring side of things, yet I feel I'm letting her down a little in not actually having sex. Anyone with any thoughts/suggestions/experience on how to best go about addressing this with her?

For now she is some new motivation and drive for me to refrain from PMO. I've always sworn to myself that when I'm seeing someone I have no excuse for porn as they are then who/what my sexual drives and energies need to be directed towards. It's part of a faithfulness and respect to her.

So from here on out, in order for me to take my journey to the next level: Porn Is Dead. Time to hit my old recurrent 60 day milestone and to take it further beyond for the rest of this year and forever more. Kaizen. This is the next evolution of your One Big Change for 2017. I am now able to direct my positive effects from remaining PMO free into something healthy. I'm excited for this new stage!
 

ksempai

Active Member
Day 6

Feeling good today and like I'm on top of everything and in control of my destination. I'm definitely suffering from limp-dick. Absolutely nothing home down there at the moment. At best there's a minor stir but then all the air just goes out of it and it deflates (yes I am aware that it's blood and not air that creates a boner, but I'm Australian and so I use a lot of colloquialisms)

After all the initial flirting, bantering, and intensity that goes on at the beginning of any relationship while you're both trying to figure out where each others attraction level is at, now that we've crossed the sexual/intimacy boundary and shared a few feelings towards each other, things with my girl are starting to tone down a little, in a good way. This is allowing me to bring my focus and attention back towards the important things in my life that I need to keep checking off and putting some work into. It's just nice to have that comfort in the back of the mind now that there is another person you can turn to who likes you. Definitely reduces a load on the mind.

This is all still new ground for me though to go through this with another party's interests to consider and I'm just trying to gradually feel my way through it all. It's good though. I react and perform very well to new situations and challenges, e.g. the first time I decided to seriously consider stopping PMO is my 2nd best streak and the strongest commitment I've felt to it. It's definitely a strength of mine. The weakness to this was part of my challenge I'd been struggling with previously. I was becoming complacent each successive attempt I made. It felt like I was just retracing my steps every time I really committed to eliminating PMO from my life and the effort and energy required to get back on a roll felt like it was just getting exponentially bigger and bigger every time, regardless of how good I knew it was for me and the positive impacts I knew it would have on my life which I'd so truly experienced multiple times before. I needed a big shift in how I was going about it.

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always be where you've always been"

I have to stay reminded of this in my tough times ahead. I have to really know and feel in myself that if I make the "just this one time" choice, it's going to hit me back home real hard. To get back on the horse after that is going to be really hard and require a lot of hard work and energy to find a new approach. I really don't know if I can find a better approach than having a girl in my life. After all that is my end game for deciding to embark upon this path of PMO elimination in my life...

To get the girl!

3 Things I'm Grateful for: 1. This opportunity to go at it again with a girl to help comfort me. 2. The rain has stopped. 3. The business support we've put in place.
 

ksempai

Active Member
Day 7

I took small steps yesterday in facing my major challenges. My girl came over and she ended up staying the night. It was great to spend a whole night kissing, cuddling, and fooling around. Really focusing on just trying to let my body rewire and connect with the feeling and sensations of another girl. As I mentioned before, she's very soft, sexy, and sensual in the way she touches me which is a whole lot of new feelings and sensations to turning me on. In my head it turns me on so much and is so hot, yet downstairs, the old Frankfurt is only able to get semi hard in the moment but is not able to sustain himself to progress any further. Sex is still not happening at the moment.

I did mention to my girl last night that I need to explain to her sometime why I can't get hard and maintain a boner. That was as far as I got though, figured I'd save the whole conversation for another time. She is so nice about it all though and just told me "it really doesn't matter, I turn her on and get her off in so many other ways". It's really difficult to not be able to have sex though. This is my drive to keep pushing myself forwards at the moment. Like today when things are a little more challenging and the odd thought to just jerk off does try sneak in. I have her now though, so that's where my sexual energy has to be channeled towards. When the time is right my body will do the right thing and release. Just gotta sit it out until then.

"Obstacles, of course, are developmentally necessary: they teach kids strategy, patience, critical thinking, resilience and resourcefulness."
- Naomi Wolf

3 Things I'm Grateful for: 1. I have found an incredibly understanding and caring girl. 2. I have a plan to go forwards to improve my sexual health. 3. The sun.
 
S

Stowe2010

Guest
Hey man just wanted to say congratulations on making it too day 7 and keep up the good work! I read your post on why your stopping p, to find a girlfriend, to take control of your sexual energy.....etc and can totally relate. Every reason that you list for giving up p could have been written by myself. Fuck p man you don't need that negative influence in your life. I know that you can beat this addiction and get back control of your life and mind! Take this one day at a time, focus on not using in the moment and you will succeed. I have also had previous successes with not using but have fallen off the wagon. The biggest thing I am working on this time around is taking it one day at a time, learning from my past mistakes that lead to relapse and working on personal change to improve my overall well being. I also struggle with not using when I am hung over. I have found when hungover, its helpful to force myself to go for a run or to the gym, hide my phone and computer in my car and get them out of my house, go out to a friends house or read my previous posts on how much I hate myself when using, going for a swim or doing anything you can to distract yourself. Keep going strong my brother!
 

ksempai

Active Member
Day 11

Past few days have been going well. As always, when life is busy and tracking along it's easy to abstain from PMO. I've been able to keep regular social contact and interactions happening within my life which is one of my focuses. It's definitely made easier by the fact that things are going well and progressing with the girl I've been seeing.

***Potential Triggering Pre-Warning: Below I'm talking a bit about my sexual interactions with my girl***

I've been really working to try focus all my attention and really engage in our interactions with each other. I'm starting to notice a flow through effect as I'm beginning to get small erections coming on at times simply by just touching each other, e.g. we were driving today and she was getting stressed so I was massaging her neck and then she had a hand on my leg which began to give me a bit of a boner. Woohoo!
Last night we semi-successfully had sex too. At first my boner failed and wasn't up for it, but I think that may've been a bit of drunk-dick. Later on during the night though I began to get a midnight boner and lets just say we were able to make some use of it. She couldn't quite fit me in and so we had to stop and I ended up MO'ing to finish. I could've held off but it was more a decision of something I'd do for her. I'd explained the whole situation about PIED to her earlier on so she's above board on that now at least, however I decided to orgasm for her as I really wanted to make a bit of a confirmation for her that she does turn me on. I know this will potentially slow down my progress and I'm also prepared to be hit by the chaser effect in the coming days too.
However, I made some quick strict rules in my head at the time. I was only going to MO to finish while being very conscious and mindful of the thoughts going through my head which I was using to help me. I specifically made sure I focused purely on the real interactions we'd just had between each other and to her touch, sounds, and words to me right there and then. I was vigilant to not engage in any fantasizing.
Overall it was actually quite a nice relief to O that way and I felt really good about it in the end too. It did take a little while to get myself to there and I still had a bit of a death grip.
This is something that I don't want to continue with, to just finish by MO with her. I'm going to place a progress checkmarker of whether I can successfully maintain a boner with a condom on, and then if I'm able to finish with a condom on.

In preparation for a possible chaser effect, my WHEN/THEN list is as follows:
  • WHEN I'm having thoughts of porn, THEN I will close my laptop and go outside
  • WHEN I start fantasizing about last night, THEN I will do pushups or RKC planks
  • WHEN I get up tomorrow, THEN I will have a shower and ready myself for the gym
  • WHEN I'm bored and not sure what to do, THEN I will revisit my business plan

@Stowe2010:
Thanks for the ups Stowe! It really is scary how P takes so much control over everything in your life! Well done on the progress you've made too. For me what I noticed however was that when I just removed P on it's own, the void to fill became massive, and as much as I tried to fill it with activities and hobbies, what I was really needing to fill was close relationships and connections with people. I really am quite naturally an outgoing and social person and gravitate people to me very easily so always kind of lulled myself into believing I'd be okay. I found quite simply though that because I've relied on porn for so long as my 'intimate relationship' I had to do a lot of further work on myself in these areas and reading up/listening to a whole lot of information about how to get back in the game and methods and strategies to use and utilise to help out with this. An intimate relationship needs to be approached differently to a purely friends relationship, which was my problem. I thought I was good at making friends and kept repeating that but would end up getting frustrated because I felt I was always heading towards just staying in the friend zone again. I had to start showing intent more seriously, which brings about the fear of rejection. You just have to deal with that haha.
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Seems like things are going well lately for you and if PIED is the only problem for the two of you, there is none! As your girl confirmed, she enjoys intimacy with you and that's what matters for now. You are rewiring, thus will cure a lot faster and your motivation is high. The ingredients for a success story are right there, just keep going! :)

I also like how you add things you are grateful for to your journal. It's something that I forget about way too often when complaining about the tough road of reboot. It's important to appreciate the life we have, because our porn addicted brain's behaviour is just the exact opposite searching always for a bigger high with no real satisfaction at all.

KroSen said:
I think the truth is people rarely ever will judge and will more often than not be very understanding and helpful towards you when you share it. I've found it is often our own insecurities about the situation that lead us to believe people will shun you for it. Something I'm continuing to work on, and gradually getting better at.

I guess that's the point where we relate a lot and that's one of the causes of fearing rejection. It's important to stay away from toxic persons who project their own unhappiness and insecurities on others and need to comment on anything in a negative way. And to avoid behaving the same way.
 

ksempai

Active Member
Day 15

This really has been a different experience going through this in a semi-relationship. It's definitely feeling easier to manage urges when they come as I've always got her to fall back on as a bit of a comfort blanket. I am trying to be cautious in not falling into the trap of just relying on her to come over to soothe my urges, as I feel if things were to ever end between us then I'll be hit as if by a tonne of bricks in trying to manage those feelings. I really do need to focus on creating a healthy relationship with her and not becoming dependent (that is the last thing I want).

Last night I had a dream that I'd relapsed. The struggle felt real. Fighting with myself that I wasn't going to relapse but just blankly staring at the screen  acting out and absent mindedly following my urges. It wasn't a great feeling to wake up to. However it was nice to wake up to my girl next to me after she'd decided to stay for the night. Was interesting to still have dreams like that even though I feel I've progressed a bit more. It just reinforces that the wiring of my brain to porn is still what it is. It's been the predominant emotional connection for me my entire teen/adult life and kicking it is going to have repercussions.

I really am feeling that I've kicked porn now though and I don't really have any interest or 'need' to look at it anymore. Life is starting to become more interesting again. Things are getting busy. I've got direction and drive starting to happen again. And I have steps in place to start taking me towards it this time.

3 Things I'm Grateful for: 1. My current mindset - definitely making life easy for myself. 2. My coach at the gym. 3. My job - I get to work with kids and am able to change people's lives for the better.

@achilles heel:
Thanks achilles. Things have been going well. It's still early days and I've been in this position many times before, but being in the process of rewiring I think is helping a lot.
It's a habit I got into a few years back. I've always been a very optimistic person anyway, but writing down and physically trying to think of 3 things in your life that make it good definitely helps A) reduce the regularity that you feel down about things; and B) when you are feeling down about life it gives you something nice to reflect back on. I often find these things are most powerful when I re-read them as they're able to pull me back into positive spirits and remind me of the good times I have.

I agree it's important to try not to regularly associate with negative or 'toxic' people, but I think it's also important to learn to deal with these people as you can't run away from everyone in your life that doesn't fit your mould. The best thing I find to do around them is to practice being positive and kind and it generally seems to kill their fire as they have nothing to latch onto. The hardest part of this is to not take their comments personally or emotionally, but that again comes down to our own insecurities.

Best of luck with everything anyway, you seem to be doing some good work yourself and making good progress. Well done on cutting out those triggering girls from FB. This was something that really helped me get back on the wagon this time round too.
 
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