See them grow up

[Firstbigstep]

Your work situation sounds a lot like mine.

A lot of solo time, a lot of time away, lots of nights in hotel rooms. Working with people I don't necessarily know or like.

And days like today, where I've down time in the day time,  were always my porn time. Another struggle but one I intend to beat.

 

[workinprogressUK]

Sounds very similar indeed, Firstbigstep. I'll confess to having stolen a living from numerous employers who paid me good money for days lost in a fog of P. Work stress in its various form is still my biggest trigger. Getting clean allowed me to get my career back on track and super-charged my earnings. That wasn't the reason for doing it, but it was certainly a welcome side-benefit!

Well... here I am on Friday morning, still clean, despite a totally sleepless night. No P, M or O for a couple of weeks. Not sure what caused the insomnia  ???. No demons and no white knuckles. Maybe just one of those things.

Wishing you all a safe and productive Friday 

 

[workinprogressUK]

Navigated the weekend without any slips. A few practical things helped;
1. Not booting my laptop. Booting-up for vanilla reasons can be one of those SIDs for me (Seemingly Innocuous Decisions... couldn't remember the name for them in an earlier post) that I sometimes make that present unnecessary risks
2. Letting myself be convinced to go socialise at my local rugby club on Saturday. They might be idiots, but they're my idiots  ;D

 

[workinprogressUK]

Made it through Monday. Making it through Tuesday. Just. Not feeling particularly strung out, but cognitive distortion in my amoral old limbic system is reminding me how enjoyable my old acting out behaviours used to be. There were times when I was a practicing addict that i did hate what i was doing and hated myself for doing it. But there were plenty of other times when it gave me a massive buzz. Reading back through some notes today, I'm reminded that 80-90% of my brain function happens in the limbic system, and that Chimp brain is always looking for the fastest, easiest, lowest-effort way to feel safe and soothed. So if the 80-90% of my brain that get's first bite at every decision is telling me that P feels good and everything else is boring or too painful, then it can't come as any surprise that it's a constant struggle. Right now my Chimp isn't screaming for a fix but it is trying to cajole me back to one. That's just brain chemistry, right? Can't be avoided. So according to my notes from last reboot, I need to fully engage my conscious, human, brain so that i don't leave any big gaps for my compulsions to back-fill.
Wish me luck!

 

[Firstbigstep]

Good luck today and every day!

Keep the chimp under control, or he'll run riot again.

It is a long hard fight we're all in.

 

[tiredofthe struggle]

Good luck WIP and well done for recovery first time.

Your story at first inspired me, then later worried me which i guess is a good thing as it keep you on guard!

Your situation first time around similar to me, lost my way, destroyed my wife, and in process of rebuilding and keep everything i hold dear close, plus must be a better role model than my dad and step dad were, thats really important to me or maybe my son will follow a similar path.

Struggled along for years secretly but currently at 40 days and feeling really strong, so your story made me realise not to drop my guard when feeling good and so i thank you for that.

As you said keep grinding and kick the arse out of this, i have never hated an enemy so much and so that gives me the determination to really win this time.

Best of luck, lets both get to 90 and beyond!!!!!!

 

[workinprogressUK]

Thanks for your post Inpursuitofhappiness. Love it!
I wish I could reassure myself that P addiction has a finite incubation period, and if I'm not presenting any symptoms after 90 days, I'm cured.... but that wasn't the case for me. I got complacent.

I like the "mountain climbing" analogy some of the guys use here ... you don't ascend seamlessly in one smooth trip. I also love the one my wife uses... this is a nasty, fist fight and even when you're winning, you're going to have to take a few shots yourself. Just got to stay aware, stay conscious and keep fighting.

 

[workinprogressUK]

Wednesday and still PMO-free, which I guess means I'm 3 weeks in. That looks like quite a lot of days in my diary, but it feels like yesterday.

Feeling the benefits, mostly at work, where I have a lot of energy and focus. Work prospects for 2017 largely depend on a decision that's due early next week. I have to work hard on disconnecting the decision, which I can only influence, from my own judgement of success or worth. Whether I win the decision or not, I remain the same person with the same flaws and facets. Could somebody please remind me of this sage logic next week if it goes "tits-up" and I'm wallowing in misery?

 

[Andyuk]

We'll be here!

 

[newmeditations]

Had to laugh a little (I'm sorry) only because I can so relate to connecting work with self-worth. One of my favorite reasons to lower my self-worth even more by acting out. So true though that it is an imaginary connection and if we can hold on to the truth that it is not a verdict on our value it helps tremendously. I wish you a very successful outcome (often our worries are also imaginary) but if things don't go as planned, what else could it mean? (besides disaster)  Always the option to decide what to believe.

Reminding you ahead of time in case I miss the update.

 

[workinprogressUK]

Navigated the weekend OK. Still no P or M. O with my SO, which was nice.
Struggled to keep my head down on a party night out in town on Saturday. Had a think about it yesterday and I chilled out. Being in that environment isn't safe for me, and I won't rush to repeat it. But beautiful women haven't, in themselves, been a big trigger for my acting out and I didn't act out after Saturday. I know my own, peculiar, little, triggers, and they're niggling away at me. My chimp is chuntering away! Actually typing this journal is bringing those triggers to the surface, so I think I'll finish here, log off, and go take a walk in the unusually nice weather we have in the UK today.
Take care yourselves!
WIP 

 

[SmithsDisco]

Hey workinprogress

Your story is so similar to mine its scary !!
mid 40s UK man - married - 2 kids - similar history

i myself stopped PMO a few years back , and my recovery is up & down to say the least
I seem to go from recovered to flatline in an instant.
I have no real idea how to fully recover , although im guessing i may have messed up my head over the whole issue and im more left with PA / Mental issues towards ED.

Should you ever need to chat etc feel free to send me a PM .. Can swap email etc should you wish

All the best

 

[workinprogressUK]

Thanks for your note, SmithsDisco. Much appreciated.

 

[Firstbigstep]

Hmmm - I think the chimps are out in force at the moment!

I'm not sure if it's a seasonal thing (the old sap rising!) but I certainly feel more trigger sensitive at present.

The good thing is that I've resisted all urges to go back to the PMO routine (In fact, I don't miss the porn at all)

The less good thing is that I don't feel particularly good about it - as today is my 90 day "anniversary" - no irony that it's Valentine's Day! - I guess I should be feeling great. I wasn't expecting much, but thought I'd feel better than this.

Ho - hum - I guess that's the way it goes...

Another wrestling match with chimp brain beckons - he's a bit quieter this morning, thank goodness!

And SmithsDisco, I too worry that I may have done irreparable harm to my brain and psyche - I just hope the youngsters following along get to grips with this issue before they have spent as many years  in a self destructive cycle as some of us old hands have (excuse the rotten syntax!)

Again, if either of you guys want a direct contact, drop me an email address - the forum isn't always the ideal means of communicating!

 

[workinprogressUK]

Indeed they are out in force, Firstbigstep  Congrats on your 90 days though!

Agreed that living clean doesn't feel especially brilliant. But I do appreciate not feeling the horrible bouts of shame for my actions and the permanent pressure of living a lie. Makes me more effective and less selfish. Still consider myself to be a total arsehole for what I did before and that guilt kind of hangs around me like a bad smell that I just can't walk away from  :-[  So much fear! But living with the fear is something i currently judge to be better than the alternatives. I read a bit more of "The Buddha's Brain" last night. Maybe I'm just "shooting myself with a second arrow". I can find equanimity in so many situations, but not when I consider my own worth as a human being. Got to get that fixed.
Another day/night completed without acting out. I'm annoyingly weak emotionally. Wife was away last night. I feel anxious when she's not there and M is the most natural and obvious way to soothe that anxiety. Strangely, it's more acute when she is away and I am at home .... but I historically used chronic M much more when I was away than when I was home alone.
Bit of a vicious circle here today. I'm afraid and anxious about previous acting out with P. My limbic system's medication for fear and anxiety is P, so my chimp is demanding the very drug that has gotten me into this mess. I think it's going to be a long day, guys.
Wishing you all success in your battles today.

 

[Firstbigstep]

Hey WIPUK,

I'm going to embark on using some affirmations about myself. I've used this in the past to help with some self esteem issues, but they've drifted off on the tidal wave of self disgust that my PMO habit helped me to nurture.

I think the discovery of what has caused us the problems we face is a shock, then to find that it's something we actually don't like just perpetuates the cycle.

Don't call yourself weak - I believe that we can learn of our problem in minutes (my revelation was just like light switch being flicked) Unfortunately, the readjustment and recovery take WAY WAY longer. It feels like a large piece of elastic between the two - my understanding and comprehension are away in the distance, whilst my brain is dragging its heels behind. It sometimes takes a few steps, but I think my brain is part chimp, part donkey, judging by its stubborn refusal to come to heel at present!

 

[workinprogressUK]

Friday and still clean. Navigated a business trip away Weds/Thurs without letting my guard down. A few trigger moments but nothing that's especially acute. Holiday next week, which is always a stressful time. Will prep myself to minimise risk.
Thanks and take care.

 

[Andyuk]

Good luck with holiday time and stay vigilant....

 

[workinprogressUK]

Survived holiday by the skin of my teeth and now back at work. Triggered repeatedly on the journey home and had to go 12 rounds with myself to stay straight. How many times did some snide, little voice in my head whisper that it was OK to tune out and lapse into some easy fantasy? Picture on the hotel wall, somebody dressed in a certain way at the airport, feeling tired on the bus, urge to "edge" in the toilet on the flight, obligations that I owe when back at my desk.... trigger, trigger, trigger  :-[. You've all been there though, right? Some days you can just see it coming at you, like you're stuck in a tunnel and there's a train coming towards you fast? I knew it would be like that. Last day of a holiday is usually a tough one for me, and the first day back at work typically has a high propensity to trigger me too. So I'm being very gentle with myself today. Booked a lot of video conferences with colleagues. Did the school run with the kids. Healthy lunch followed by a little bit of fresh air. Good music playing in the office and a nice fire lit. Whatever it takes to soothe myself in a healthy way. Confident that I will make it through today too, even if I grind through half my teeth and eat 500 calories of chocolate 
Wishing you all strength and resilience today. Take care.

 

[Andyuk]

Sounds tough but you made it through to the other side.
Well done!