See them grow up

TK-421

Active Member
workinprogressUK said:
Survived holiday by the skin of my teeth and now back at work. Triggered repeatedly on the journey home and had to go 12 rounds with myself to stay straight. How many times did some snide, little voice in my head whisper that it was OK to tune out and lapse into some easy fantasy? Picture on the hotel wall, somebody dressed in a certain way at the airport, feeling tired on the bus, urge to "edge" in the toilet on the flight, obligations that I owe when back at my desk.... trigger, trigger, trigger  :-[. You've all been there though, right? Some days you can just see it coming at you, like you're stuck in a tunnel and there's a train coming towards you fast? I knew it would be like that. Last day of a holiday is usually a tough one for me, and the first day back at work typically has a high propensity to trigger me too. So I'm being very gentle with myself today. Booked a lot of video conferences with colleagues. Did the school run with the kids. Healthy lunch followed by a little bit of fresh air. Good music playing in the office and a nice fire lit. Whatever it takes to soothe myself in a healthy way. Confident that I will make it through today too, even if I grind through half my teeth and eat 500 calories of chocolate  :)
Wishing you all strength and resilience today. Take care.

Keep up the good work.  Part of this is recognizing and acknowledging the triggers that we all come across on a daily basis.  The key is to acknowledge them and move on.  It is normal and healthy to notice an attractive woman.  The difficulties start when we linger on a person or image for too long and allow unhealthy fantasy to carry us away. The key to this is learning to love the feeling of exercising self-control more than the temporary pleasure that PMO and fantasy offer. 

I have found that I have to be especially vigilant when these triggers first appear.  Part of the recovery process is recognizing when these unhealthy and unwanted thoughts first come along and not giving them any space.  I found that when I first was trying to reboot that I was getting tripped up by Facebook photos or lingering on some attractive woman I saw in public.  It really is empowering when you truly begin to appreciate that you  have control over how you respond to a specific stimulus or trigger.  Believe me, if you are human you have the ability to control your actions.  After what for many of is is decades of doing whatever felt good in the moment, it is sometimes hard to grasp the concept that we can control any of this.  Urges can really just seem to come out of nowhere.  If we are vigilant though, what feel like uncontrollable urges come from allowing unhealthy thoughts and fantasy to bump around in the brain for too long. 

It really becomes empowering to learn that you can experience a trigger, acknowledge it, move on and then commend yourself for being a man who is in control of his actions and living a principled life in accordance with his values.

All the best.

TK-421
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Thanks for your support and feedback, guys. Must admit that I do feel empowered, confident and really positive today, having navigated my own little storm and reached calmer waters. I do tend to find that on tough days, it helps me to treat each trigger moment like an individual battle, unconnected to any bigger aspiration or fear. Just me and my chimp, in that single moment in time. I can either win that 5-second battle, or choose to lose, because I agree wholeheartedly that I do have a choice in that moment.

Found myself smiling in bed last night and this morning. "Mindfulness" is an over-used phrase but I have always struggled to have a quiet mind. I always preferred a lot of noise, which I don't think is always very helpful. I was lying in bed and could acknowledge to myself that I felt really warm, comfortable, happy and relaxed. Didn't need my brain to be anywhere, or in any way occupied. I just felt right. Don't know how that connects to anything else especially, but I think if I can find ways to keep my brain "tuned-in" to the nice stuff in my reality, and avoid feeling the need to tune-out, then I will put another barrier between me and P fantasies.

Anyway - another day ticked off. Have a good 'un yourselves.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
March 3rd. Back from a business trip to Barcelona and still P&M clean. Licking my wounds after toughest day so far yesterday. Kicking myself too, because whilst some triggers take me by surprise, others can be predicted and planned for.... and i failed to do that. I was in Spain in the first days back from holiday, feeling tired and full of cold. I was already vulnerable. Couldn't be helped. But I was there with a colleague who has consistently made very overt and persistent sexual advances towards me. I don't know what the guy sees in me, but on the 2 previous occasions we've been away with work together, he has propositioned me in the bluntest and most persistent manner. I had considered not going, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt, after he promised that he wouldn't repeat his past behaviour. But a few drinks into the evening and it started again. Subtle at first, and I tried gently to rebuff him. But he was eventually just blatantly asking me to sleep with him, so I ended up just getting up, telling him that it was not something I wanted, and leaving. That resulted in a next-day combination of tiredness, illness, mild hangover and terrible feelings of guilt that I must have lead this guy on at some time - given him the impression that his attentions were welcomed. So my head was a mess yesterday, with repeated, white-knuckle, battles against the urge to drop out into some fantasy. And the mess was exacerbated by knowing that I could have taken steps to prevent it from happening;

1. Don't turn business meetings into a night out drinking
2. Don't give a persistent sexual harasser another opportunity to hit on me

So I hope that in writing this, I can embed these lessons. I need to respect that I'm vulnerable at the moment and that I need to look after all the other facets of healthy living, unless I want to make this reboot even more difficult for myself. I'm away again next week and expected to socialise, so I need to commit to myself that booze is off limits. And I need to separate myself from this colleague and make sure that I don't put myself at risk again. I shouldn't have to put up with it, though, should I? The guy's a junior colleague. I don't know why I lack the self confidence and assertiveness to deal with it. I'm like a paralysed victim each time. Pathetic. I need to drum up the courage to deal with this in a mature manner. But I just can't help but feel like I'm the one in the wrong and that it's all my fault. Grrrrr  :mad: sometimes I despise myself.

Right - silver lining - I'm still here and I'm still on the bright side of the street. No relapse... just. Be grateful for that. And maybe some long overdue lessons learned. Chin up! Move on. I live to fight another day.

Sorry for unloading.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Maybe worth saying...
When I was on the ragged edge yesterday, one of the key motivations for not relapsing, was knowing that if I did, I'd have to come on here and write that I'd failed, or come on here and tell lies. Neither option was palatable, so thanks for being my virtual Accountability Partners :) 
 

Firstbigstep

Active Member
WIP UK.

Firstly,  congratulations on getting through the last few days. You've done really well.

There is absolutely no justification for the behaviour of your colleague and no reason why you should have to tolerate it.

I'm no expert in these matters - it may be an issue that your HR department can help with if you want to go down that path. If not, I'd suggest you speak to him in a neutral lovcation, stone cold sober, and make your position clear. I'd also suggest that you warn him that you will go to HR if he makes any advances in the future.

Situations like that are very hard to deal with (been there once myself) and you have shown great strength and resolve to resist. Give yourself the congratulations you deserve.

Onward and upward - you're still winning!
 

MioSr

Member
Work,  just read your March 3rd post. Totally relate. I so often take the blame for situations which are uncomfortable. The thing to remember is that you've been kind and thoughtful, not the one to blame. You didn't want to hurt this guy's feelings. That's what I hear. You wanted to be true to yourself and not disappoint another. When the guy started pushing, it caused anxiety (understandably). I think you've only behaved admirably. People are going to push their agendas. That's really hard for those ofus who don't want to hurt others' feelings.

I know for me, one of the allures of fantasy is that it's a realm where I'm not hurting others' feelings, only my own. Instead of entertaining the voice that says you're in the wrong, see if you can't amplify the one that says you've been kind and that this man is crossing boundaries repeatedly. You've got everything in the world to feel proud about. And a trip away with no P&M is a HUGE deal. Congratulations!

Go, go, go!
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Thanks both for your support and feedback. You're correct, MioSr, that I didn't feel comfortable being... rude? Is that it? I'm not sure. But I often lack the self-confidence to assert myself politely when things are still relatively low-level. That has resulted in a couple of occasions when things stay bottled-up for far too long before they've exploded, sometimes in violence. I'm trying to be more assertive.

And you're right, FBS, that I walked rather than reacting in an inappropriate way, which is a success. I still feel naive about getting into a tricky situation, but I am pleased that I extricated myself without screwing up.

Anyway, as you say, onwards and upwards!
No major challenges over the weekend. Monday successfully navigated so far. Must be getting close to 50 days P&M free now.
 

Dem

Member
Your thread has been very encouraging to me.  Married guy here trying to fight through this thing and it's almost like I am reading my own story. I'm grateful that my wife is patient with this experience and I pray something good happens for you. Be encouraged.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Thank you, Dem. I really appreciate that. Hoping that nothing bad happens here too!
Must admit, feeling good today. Been under the weather with a cold for the last week and it has an impact on me. Was reflecting on the Barcelona incident and reminded that my sex addiction was never so much about lusting after others, as an addiction to being lusted after by others. Goes back to the original chestnut that a lot of other people have shared - that I have always felt so damn ugly and unlovable, that i grew up with an overwhelming desire to be found attractive by somebody... anybody. So I didn't immediately reject a guy flirting with me, because a big part of my persona is really flattered and gratified that he was flirting with me. Didn't matter about gender or sexual orientation. Just the unresolved issue with self image raising its head. Glad I thought that through, because it was niggling me. And glad that I dealt with it, and it's in the past.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Great workout at the gym last night set me up for a good day today. Wife rebuffed my affections in bed this morning, but that's her prerogative and I'm not taking it personally. Couple of work situations making me feel physically nauseous this morning, which I know is not healthy. I have unrealistic expectations of myself sometimes.... erm.... all of the time  :-\. Need to be more realistic. Can't be making myself puke if I perceive the slightest error in my work. Despite that, I'm grateful for another day of serenity in relation to P today. Hoping for more "easy" days ahead!!
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Got that "Friday Feeling". The end of a good week in which I've re-established equilibrium... and a bit of what they refer to in the book "The Buddha's Brain" as equanimity. Don't seem to be experiencing extreme highs or lows and life seems to have a bit of flow about it. A low-key weekend ahead, without any obvious bumps in the road, so hopefully I'll be checking-in clean on Monday. Enjoy yur weekend, guys. Stay strong!
 

lyon03

Respected Member
Thanks for your posts brother. So how are you today? Post an update. This forum was a huge part of me learning to live porn-free. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Tuesday evening. Haven't posted properly since last week. All relatively calm and contained here. Away from home on business but not experiencing any significant discomfort or triggers. Continuing to work-out a lot and I tried a new gym at the weekend that had a really positive, communal, vibe. I'll go back there again. Lots of socialising in the last few days, which helps get me out of my own head and is good for me. Enjoying my music too. Doing a lot of things to stay busy and energised in the real world. I have occasionally experienced pangs of desire to go back to P over the last few days. Not like a raging, gnawing, tooth-grinding, urge to relapse. Just a part of my brain reminding me of the pleasures.... maybe my chimp probing for a bit of complacency? i've been able to acknowledge it, pause and reject the option. No panic or white knuckle. Positive signs.

Back to hospital this Thursday for more surgery; a pretty big one this time, but it should be the last one. Looking forward to the challenge of the rehab.

Hoping I can stay in the current frame of mind for a while. Wishing you every strength in your own fight.
 

Firstbigstep

Active Member
Hi WIP,

Glad to hear you're doing well and good luck with the op.

I think you are right - there's the white knuckle ride of the first month or so, then the chimp tries to sneak under the radar. Problem is that he helped design the defences, so knows all our weak spots. Once in a while he starts to make progress, so that's when we need to shore up the defences or move the sensor.

I certainly find my biggest challenge comes from being isolated - having split up with my wife and moved to a new area, it's not easy to engage with new people. Add to that the challenges of self employment where I'm often working alone (like today!) and it is those times that my resolve weakens a bit and I have to get a grip on myself (as it were!)

Thanks to guys like yourself, I know I'm not fighting alone, however lonely I get.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Surgery last night was apparently successful. Won't try to write too much, as I'm full of morphine and cocodamol, so highly likely to write a load of old bollocks.

For me, complacency is the biggest danger. If I can keep recovery activities front of mind, I'm primed to deflect and reject triggers and withdrawal pain. And living socially is one of the best recovery choices for me. I work from home, alone, but I often go and work at Starbucks or Costa or similar, just so I get the buzz of being with other people. Is it a 12-step phrase? "Never get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired"? It's a good one though. I guess that's going to be tricky for me in the next few weeks, unable to drive or travel. Will have to do a lot of video conferences instead, perhaps.
 

MioSr

Member
Work,  really glad to hear surgery is behind you and went well.

I just wanted to say thank you. You had written something on another man's post about tackling a tendency to fantasize (away from pics). That profoundly clicked with me. I'm beginning to understand how much I do that. It's one of the big reasons I keep stumbling I believe. Doing my best to understand it and move past it.

Thanks and rest well.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Hi MioSr. You're welcome. "User-generated P" was the basic fuel for my descent into P and Sex addiction over 30 years. It's still the most difficult for me to block too. Not many process steps from nought to fantasy, are there?

Monday afternoon and I'm relieved that the first, most isolated, days of post-op recovery are over, without letting myself down. That's historically been the riskiest period after previous surgeries. Things are calm currently. Calm to the point of having no sexual urges at all, which is a bit of a double-edged sword, but one I'll take for now. Plenty of time to build back healthy sexuality once I'm further away from relapse.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Tired! Still have a lot of anaesthetic and pain killers sloshing around my system. Sleeping 11-12 hours a night and struggling no to nod-off every afternoon  :-\. Feeling safe and stable though. Glad for that.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Another day of sanity ticked off. Thanks for that. As long as I don't get complacent or arrogant, I can continue to build this foundation. Just go to stay focused. Good luck to you all.
 
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