For a long while, I've felt like there's no risk whatsoever of me relapsing. I just don't feel like "that guy" any more. But I triggered a couple of days back and suddenly, going back to P seems like the most natural and desirable thing imaginable. I've lived this pattern so many times before, so I just thought I'd journal it out. See what sticks. I'm just back on my feet after a dose of Covid. Libido was already flat and illness squashed it totally. Pretty well the day that I was signed-off as fit to come out of isolation, my wife tested positive. She's almost done her time now, so after 3 weeks in the spare room, I can soon go back to the marital bed. And my chimp brain has started worrying that I really ought to start feeling horny, because it's going to be fairly shitty of me to not show my wife some desire after three weeks apart. But because my libido has been flat for so long and because the fire hasn't been burning so fiercely between us, I'm not feeling it. I started to get anxious about apparent lack of function, lying on the spare room, and had to fantasise to get any reaction. I stopped myself before acting out. Feeling desire is already difficult enough, so masturbating would be a fairly dumb use of my meagre supply. It's a bit of a vicious circle; I want a healthy sexual relationship with my wife, but I lack desire for her, which tempts me to use P to jump-start my system, but using P will stop me from feeling desire for my wife. The obvious conclusion is "whatever else happens, porn isn't the answer". It's definitely not the way forward. First fantasising and then coming back here feel like early-stage contemplation in my addiction cycle. So I can either re-frame my thinking now, before that contemplation becomes obsessive, or look forward to ending up back in the shit. Need to push the instinct to lust further away and out of my thoughts. Focus on the happiness of the here and now. Stay mindful. Don't let my thoughts drift to "what if". There's no happiness in that direction. Be mindful and present. Live fully in the moment. Unlikely that my wife will feel any desire after being so ill, so there's probably no need to feel pressure. Hopefully this doesn't lead to me coming here every day, because that would mean that "not being an addict" is far too prominent in my thoughts to be healthy. Wish me luck!!
