64 days in.

[Andy]

Hi everyone,

I don't know where to begin with this. Well for a start I am male and 33 years old. This story might go on a while, i got a a lot to say.

I gave up porn 64 days ago and I have done it alone, struggled alone, and I guess i needed to share what I am going through with someone.
The first time I looked at porn I was a young boy, I found porn in my parents room and watched it. I would regularly try and find soft porn on the satellite channels. When I became a teenager I went onto magazines and videos and I had a huge collection by the time I was 15. I would regularly burn them all and tell myself i was turning over a new leaf, but I would only go on to collect a new stash. When I got to my early 20's I had all sorts of things wrong with me psychologically. I had no confidence, very low self esteem, I was diagnosed with Body Dismorphic Disorder, as well as depression, and I don't know if this was because of a porn addiction or whether I had other issues but anyway...

I didn't think my porn habits were any different to any other guy my age. I had surgery on my face because I blamed my looks for having no confidence. The surgery was not a success and I became worse than ever. I locked myself away the following year.....and all I did was look at porn. My parents knew I was unwell but they had no idea that all i did all day was look at porn. I would spend all day and sometimes even all night looking at porn searching for the right image or clip to make me "cum". I would spend my life in chatrooms, talking to other sex addicts , trying to find the right kind of people to stimulate me. What a sad way to live.

I met a lot of perverts, an awful lot of sick people. I started using sex chatrooms, but not ordinary ones. I only wanted extremely taboo chatrooms, and I needed my porn to be extremely taboo with different taboo themes. Before I knew it ordinary naked women and ordinary sex was of no interest to me. What was so difficult was that there are so many people out there in these chatrooms who are also addicted and you think because there are so many that it's normal...but it's definitely not normal, it is not ok, despite what you may read elsewhere. By the time I was 22 my father made me go to work with him. I met a girl and we were together for 2 years, but all I did was try and make her into the perv I was. She wasn't enough for me, i wanted her to be into the stuff I was into, the only reason I was into all this stuff was because of the internet and porn. All my girlfriends that followed were the same for me, they didn't satisfy me, i wanted them to be as perverted as i was and I would get bored of them very quickly.

Over the years I tried in vain to quit porn, i knew that i wasn't normal and that I was stuck with fetishes that i obsessed over and that it would be practically impossible to find girls who would go along with it. I even started fantasising about guys and it led me to feel confused about my sexuality even though I know I am not interested in having an emotional relationship with another male. Anyway, so I got to 33, a porn addict, obsessive about sexual taboo and a fuzzy head full of pornographic images i had seen over the years. I am in a relationship now with an amazing girl, and sexually i was again feeling bored and frustrated and feeling like she wasn't turning me on. Meanwhile i was masturbating and looking at porn more than we were having sex. Then I read somewhere that to reboot your brain you need to go 90 days without looking porn. Well, i'm on day 64. Instead of masturbating now, I have sex with my girlfriend. We do have a a lot more sex that's for sure. I havn't looked at porn not once in the last 64 days. I don't really want to or need to, because it feels so good that I have come this far.

But this is not the problem...the problem is I am stuck with the memory of a porn addict. Whenever I have sex i still think of my fetishes, and think about cyber sex i have had with people online and the extreme taboo and it makes me orgasm. Instead of thinking about my beautiful girlfriend who i am having sex with, my mind is still elsewhere. I just wish I could forget everything and be free.

Porn is a dangerous life destroying evil , and it will ruin your life if you let it. You will never be the real you if you are addicted to porn and cyber sex. You will never fulfill your potential. I have achieved practically  nothing in my adult life and I am capable of so much. I lost my youth to porn and i am still stuck with the scars. Please don't give up guys, stay strong and don't give in. Be the real YOU, and don't end up like me. I will post again after 90 days...you never know, maybe I will start to forget everything i have seen, every perv i have wasted time chatting to, and start loving my life with my beautiful girl, I would like that.

 

[somethingelse]

Wow, thank you for being very bold and sharing. Being 64 days in is incredible and inspiring, I hope coming on here has demonstrated to you, that you are not alone in this. Your story was heartbreaking to here, but you know as well as I, that heartbreak does not have to last forever. So many in this community have been afflicted and they hastened to improve their lives. Andy, I hope you publish back here again before hitting 90, we're only human, we hurt but we heal too.

Have a Wonderful Recovery, may you live the life, you always dreamed )

 

[Stressrelief]

Wow, thank you for being very bold and sharing. Being 64 days in is incredible and inspiring, I hope coming on here has demonstrated to you, that you are not alone in this. Your story was heartbreaking to here, but you know as well as I, that heartbreak does not have to last forever. So many in this community have been afflicted and they hastened to improve their lives. Andy, I hope you publish back here again before hitting 90, we're only human, we hurt but we heal too.

Have a Wonderful Recovery, may you live the life, you always dreamed )

I totally agree with somethingelse and please post again so we can all help to support you!

 

[kaybee]

I related so much to your story, Andy. Thanks for sharing it!

I even started fantasising about guys and it led me to feel confused about my sexuality even though I know I am not interested in having an emotional relationship with another male.

This is something I have been struggling with too! I'm a woman and I have always liked men, I am attracted to men, I enjoy romantic relationships with men, but when I search for porn I search for women.  I'm not at all interested in a relationship with a woman, but my brain has been conditioned into sexualizing women. I suspect that whatever you were watching reinforced the idea of sexualized men. This is such an intriguing phenomenon, I hope more research gets done into it. Thanks for admitting it so I feel okay admitting it too! Good luck with your reboot!

 

[Andy]

Thank you for the words of encouragement. It is now 72 days 2 hrs 07 mins since I last looked at porn or even masturbated. I know this because I have an app on my phone that tells me. Any sexual activity I have had in the last 72 days has been with my girlfriend. Now, although this sounds very positive and promising, I still don't feel like I am heeling mentally. Every time I have sex with my girlfriend I still think of other things. I am with her physically but not mentally and this is so wrong and frustrating for me, I wish it wasn't this way. I wake up in the morning always very horny. Immediately I start fantasising in my mind about all the porn I have seen and the sexual conversations I have had with others in chat rooms and the different fantasies...and then I have sex with my girlfriend but all I am thinking about is all that other stuff. I want it to be about her, I want her to be the one to satisfy me. I am hoping that sooner or later I will forget, but right now even after 72 days it's still all really fresh in my mind, and after 20 years of looking at porn and chatting to perverts regularly i guess it's not that surprising. Sometimes I think it's too late, like the things I have seen and been exposed to and fantasise about will never leave my mind.......am I damaged for life?? Will a normal healthy sex life ever be satisfying enough for me. I envy people who are innocent, and have not been corrupted. The desire to look at porn is still there. The memories of the different scenes and the taboo themes are all what stimulate me sexually. I remember the first time I went into sex chatrooms. The rooms had different topics. I looked at some of the topics and I was like "Oh my God that cannot be what I am thinking it is? There must be a mistake, that is so disgusting and messed up." But then I fell into the web (literally) and I became addicted to those very rooms, I can't even remember what drew me in, in the first place. The only reason I am not doing it now is because I know it's wrong and I know it has damaged me mentally. Perhaps i'm not with the right person sexually, or maybe no-one is right for me because I am so damaged, I don't know....but I do know I have a girl that loves me more than anything , and although she doesn't know about my struggle , I owe it to her and myself to see this through and see if there really is a light at the end of this tunnel.

 

[Andy]

I related so much to your story, Andy. Thanks for sharing it!

I even started fantasising about guys and it led me to feel confused about my sexuality even though I know I am not interested in having an emotional relationship with another male.

This is something I have been struggling with too! I'm a woman and I have always liked men, I am attracted to men, I enjoy romantic relationships with men, but when I search for porn I search for women.  I'm not at all interested in a relationship with a woman, but my brain has been conditioned into sexualizing women. I suspect that whatever you were watching reinforced the idea of sexualized men. This is such an intriguing phenomenon, I hope more research gets done into it. Thanks for admitting it so I feel okay admitting it too! Good luck with your reboot!

Hi, thanks for the post.
The question in my mind is, if we had never seen porn, would I fantasise about sex with men, would I think of them sexually, and likewise would you think about women if you had never seen porn?
I know that from an early age I have always been attracted to girls. The thought of holding hands or cuddling another man is very uncomfortable for me, I wouldn't like it, but there are times when I am horny and all I can think about is having sex with a man....and what is even more strange is that other times when I am horny I don't think about it at all, it doesn't interest me one bit. When I use to look at porn it would depend on what mood I was in whether I would look at gay porn , look at women, chat with women, chat with guys, but really ultimately in the end I always wanted to "cyber" with a woman, but would do it with men too if I couldn't find a woman....It's like sex and  emotional needs had become two separate things....this is what porn does, and it's the biggest trick on the human psyche of all time! When you are in that moment looking at porn, you are not the real YOU, you just get lost in it all. So many times I would cum and then feel disgusted immediately after at what I had just done or looked at....As soon as I had cum I was actually sickened by the porn. It was like I was 2 different people, all my morals and emotional needs disappeared when I was in the moment, but as soon as I came it's like I had woken up from a transe. I could spend 5 or 6 hours at a time looking for the right stimulant on porn sites, and this was daily.  There were even different types of horny moods, when one particular fetish or fantasy stimulated me, and considering i've seen so much , it's not surprising. It's all completely unstable and confusing...it saddens me greatly though...who would I be if I hadn't spent my youth in chatrooms and looking at porn? What would I be like, and what would natarully stimulate me?  There is nothing wrong with being gay, but only if you really are gay, and not a straight person who is lost in the cold world of porn, who's thoughts have been distorted (like me).

 

[somethingelse]

My estimates are you'll be arriving at 80 days so congratulations on getting to that milestone. That's impressive stuff and you should be very proud of your accomplishment. Rebooting is a gradual thing, it helps us process years of conditioning in months. Some have needed 16 months + to reboot, these numbers should not compel you to return to porn, but remind you that to us all, it is a clear enemy.

Keep On

 

[Stressrelief]

Andy,
        I fear you may be PMO'ing with your girlfriend. This may appear strange to you, but some here and on yourbrainrebalanced talk about trying to reboot or rewire your mind while not replaying porn.

I am at day 34. I have had sex with my Wife three times which was fine but once  I found myself looking at her body in a sexual way and not really being into her, wanting her or making love to her. I was just f^*king her body and using her sexual organ as a masturbatory device. 

I also received some manual relief twice and both times I made sure I was kissing her and that I was into her. I would stop my mind every time it naturally started to wander toward P and I was even prepared to quit if I could not control my mind. 

What you are doing is creating your own P fantasy in your mind which is strengthening the bond you have with P.

I'm sorry to tell you but my thoughts are this. You haven't truly started to reboot as you have been accessing P in your mind. Before you write my thoughts of as ludicrous please carry out some research and form your own opinion on this.

I would also enlist the help of your partner which is essential. My wife knew I had a p addiction but not the extend of the damage it was causing our relationship. It was only when I found this website and others that I realised the amount of damaged it had caused.

I wouldn't confess every act  or discuss every sordid detail of your alone time to your partner so that you can ease your guilt. Instead I would try to make her aware of your struggle, talk to her and tell her why it may have happened (possible curiosity at first then perhaps stress) and try to enlist her support. Of course at first she will be shocked, you may need to give her space and time to digest the part of your personality you have been hiding. However if she truly loves you she will show it. Hopefully it will be a test that brings you both closer together as you bear you soul and open up more to her, and as partners you can work together on beating this addiction.

Good luck and try to reboot without mental Porn.

SR

p.s. Don't be surprised when she is shocked! give her time and work through it.

p.p.s Don't be surprised if you feel that things have suddenly gotten tougher with the absence of mental P.

 

[Andy]

Hi,

Yes I can relate a lot to what you are saying it is not ludicrous at all. At the moment I am having a lot of sex with my girlfriend, because, as well as not looking at porn for the last 80 days, I have not masturbated either. So, any sexual activity has been only with her. The good thing is it's happening daily. The bad thing is, it's happening exactly the way you said it. I am definitely not thinking of her when we are having sex even though she is a beautiful girl. This is not her fault, it is mine, because I have been so used to my own dark fantasies and pleasuring myself on them, that normal sex with a girl is not enough.....and i feel so ashamed that I even have to write that sentence. God knows I want it to be enough, & God knows I am trying. I may have to be more strict with myself. If I have sex with her, and I think about anything other than her, it must be classed as cheating.....in a way it is isn't it?? So if i need sex and something else is stimulating me other than her then it is better not to have sex at all. It's healthier to wait till I desire her,it might take weeks, but I can't think of any other way.
I have told her about my porn addiction. The strange thing is when you tell someone you have a porn addiction the first thing they say is "oh God I thought you were going to say you had something serious!! Who doesn't look at porn!!" Although she didn't say this exactly, I could tell she didn't realise the severity of this problem, and I had to really go way back to childhood and explain how it all began and how I ended up reclusive and did nothing but look at porn all day. Then she started to realise. Also I think it helped that I haven't looked for 80 days....but she was also shocked that I had actually been counting the days..at that point she realised what an achievement this is for me, and how addicted I have really been. She has been supportive and understanding and loves me all the same. Personally I sometimes have thoughts that the actual rebooting the brain from porn addiction should mean having no sexual activity whatsoever for 90 days! Sooner or later, after no sexual activity for that long you will desire your partner so much you will be wanting nothing but her. Otherwise you will just go from not looking at porn, to just continue having sex but thinking about porn still, and that is no use is it. The way I see it, if you are in a relationship, and looking at porn, it is like there is another person in the relationship and you are having an affair with porn. If you wouldn't sleep with another woman then you shouldn't be desiring other people on porno's. If you are not in a relationship with someone and you look at porn, then you are starting a relationship with porn......seems harmless, but when the time comes and you meet someone real , how will you forget about porn and all it's promises and what it has shown you......the real world is not like it is on porno. You have to make a decision to make it go away, and that is what I am struggling to do. I am going to make it though Thank you for your comments, it's really interesting and helpful to hear other opinions and meet people who understand.