38 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
Thanks. I've signed up for a a second speeddating event to take place in early December.

I felt numb all day today because of last night. Even though I agree with her about our compatibility (or lack of it), it still left me feeling insecure.

I'm now thinking, on my next date, how soon I should go in for the kiss. It's quite daunting just to think about it. But I really need to show that I mean business. Enough of this friendszone feeling.

 

PE30

Well-Known Member
My opinion (and it's only an opinion) is that being pushy / overly assertive can be a massive turn off for a woman. At worst it can make someone feel really uncomfortable. You need to stop thinking of your dick, stop thinking of women as this kind-of prize to be gained, and start thinking of yourselves as two humans who might enjoy each other's company.

I've not got any hard evidence to back this up but I think few women will want to sleep with someone on the first date. And of those who do, few will be put off by someone who doesn't.
 

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
It's not about sleeping with them immediately, it's just about letting them know I'm interested in taking it further with them at some point. (by kissing them)

I've already tried the method of getting to know them as humans, believe me, I've asked so many questions about them but I think the effect of it is the friendszone.

I think there should be more balance from me towards romance/flirting, rather than the other way round. (ie, the date should be 70% talking about romance/physical attraction and 30% about life/family/etc) 
 

BootLoader

Member
stop thinking of women as this kind-of prize to be gained, and start thinking of yourselves as two humans who might enjoy each other's company.
I believe in this but in my opinion and it's only my opinion it will have to come naturally after a success rebooting time, meaning you need to stop looking women like sex purpose/object. When that happens you will notice hormone balance in your brain/body.
 

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
To be honest, when I went on my recent dates, sex was the last thing on my mind (due to PIED of course).

I did try to get to know them as human beings and I'm sure I came across as that, as I was genuine.

 
You have some very profound wisdom on this thread about general overall mental health. Depression is huge man. I survived a year of depression when I was only 20 it really completely screwed my sex drive up amongst other things.

There does come a point where dwelling on a problem is worse then the problem itself. I think your overall mental health and life needs a radical pick me up. How can anybody truly feel sexual or romantic if their depressed about something? Find some hobbies, get active, and break the cycle.
 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
Two things: (take into account I am married so it has been a while since I have been single.  My wife and I still  do go out on dates)

1.  A peck on the cheek does not necessarily mean you scored out.  You should still text her about a second date.  Many women these days feel that it is too forward to kiss on the lips on the first official date.  Consodering the whole reason we are talking on this board, the sexualization and pornification of culture.  Many, many women resist that stuff.  More  than you think.  You have to read her  signals.  A kiss on tbe cheek could nean she wants to start bekng affectionate.  On most of my dates there wasn't a kiss until the  second date.

2.  Yes, you don't want to be too forward, but you DO want to make her feel desired.  It is a delicate balance.  This is not a friend to friend meeting, after all.  This was supposed to be a real date.  She  already thinks you could possibly be boyfriend material, otherwise she would not habe arranged the date.  You need to mame her feel sexy, while not pressuring her to have  sex.

"You look beautiful tonight."

I love your ______".

Etc.

Touching as well.

You have  to move the date forward , without being creepy.  This is all tbe stuff that men naturally learn that we had stolen from us by this porn addiction. 

You habe to try to learn this stuff, otherwise this will keep happening .


Rich





 

BootLoader

Member
There does come a point where dwelling on a problem is worse then the problem itself. I think your overall mental health and life needs a radical pick me up. How can anybody truly feel sexual or romantic if their depressed about something?
Exactly, well said. Two critical factors, cut out any P related stuff included PMO-MO and radically change your whole life style. We are not dealing only with an addiction, we are dealing with depression and some times heavy depression.
 
BootLoader said:
There does come a point where dwelling on a problem is worse then the problem itself. I think your overall mental health and life needs a radical pick me up. How can anybody truly feel sexual or romantic if their depressed about something?
Exactly, well said. Two critical factors, cut out any P related stuff included PMO-MO and radically change your whole life style. We are not dealing only with an addiction, we are dealing with depression and some times heavy depression.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I?m speaking from my own personal experience with depression and anxiety. Ironically enough the root cause of my mental health issues was mild hypocondria. I was studying an abnormal psychology class as part of a 2-year community college program in police science. I just rapidly became self absorbed and self analyzing myself every minute of everyday. And next thing you know I got trapped in this living nightmare of thinking I was going crazy or develloping mental illnesses everyday. That obviously brought on panic attacks which only reinforced the feelings of going crazy. It was a crazy vicious cycle that lasted almost a year in total.

I?m not an expert or a doctor or psychiatrist etc, but it almost sounds like the OP might be over thinking and over analyzing the problem in the same kind of depressive/anxiety generating vicious cycle I was in.
 

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
This week I've been off work due to my annual leave. Usually I feel more 'optimistic' and relieved off stress when I'm on annul leave from work, but for some unknown reason, I have been really, really down. I don't know why.

It just didn't feel the same. It could be because, during my last annual leave week, which was only 3-4 weeks ago, I went to the speeddating event and then went out on a date. So possibly the enjoyment of that unprecedented event of my life has meant that this week's annual leave, which I had nothing lined up for, felt a lot more miserable.

But maybe I'm making it too simplistic. I certainly didn't relapse or anything. (I'm going through a very much strict hard mode; and, to tell you the truth, I have no interest or desire to PMO or MO whatsoever.)

Anyway, as I was feeling depressed and more demotivated about my goals (I still did them but it wasn't enjoyable), I decided to contact my Doctor and she will refer me to some help from a psychiatrist.

 

PE30

Well-Known Member
Just quickly to say that I'm glad you're getting some medical help. Keep us posted, rooting for you.
 
Yeah man, I think it great too you're seeking some medical help.

Also great job with the speed dating thing. I know it didn't turn out like you hoped but at least you're putting yourself out there despite your fears and anxiety. You're actually doing much better than me when it comes to that.

I don't know if the speed dating would be for me but I do know that I definitely need to go out more and be more social overall.
 

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
Not good - no improvements whatsoever.

Still not PMOing or MOing
No sexual fantasy
No thinking about sex
Meditating
Gym
Studying
The odd night out doing Speed-dating
Yoga
etc.....

But still nothing. It's been since August 2017 that I last PMOed - having started soft-mode reboot in January 2017.

I'm now going through my 3rd or 4th Hardmode, and this time I intend to keep going until probably I find a GF (HA!).

Thanks for asking about me, man.

 

Georgos

Well-Known Member
All the things you are doing are good D&O, I tried internet dating and that helped me a lot with feeling more comfortable about the idea of trying to engage romantically with members of the opposite sex, but it was also quite stressful for my mental health :( I think I'd like to try speed dating at some point too, but the point is that there's a lot of rewiring that needs to be done in order to move into the zone of healthy successful sexual relationships. For the last six to nine months or so I've basically had the attitude that time will heal, as it does all things, but I think you need to be proactive too. Self-analysis can be a trap, because you're not getting any outside stimulus to move you out of the circles (or spirals) of your thinking. Having dated a woman for four months without even so much as kissing, I know that I am much more confident around the idea of discussing sexual relationships, we've discussed a lot why we don't seem to be getting anywhere, and I've been able to make more suggestive texts without fear, though still with a lot of apprehension about how to follow through. She says I'm much more cool than when she first met me as a friend some twenty years ago, and that I take her to nice places, and am much more confident in myself, which is all positive. She does desire me. However the lack of sexual chemistry has been a problem. I've realised that I need something more than just time and going round in the same circles with her. So one of things I've decided to do is buy some books to read up on, on intimacy, and also sexual pleasure from a spiritual perspective. In Hinduism, pleasure is called kama, as in the kama sutra, so I've also bought some books on kama, and in ancient Greek, sexual love is called eros, so I've also bought some books on this. I also think I want to read some romance novels to get a perspective on how women see sexual pleasure and maybe some books on dating. That's a lot of reading, and I don't think it will necessarily be a magic wand, but getting outside stimulus into your psyche, is definitely a good way of getting out of the pit. We'll see how it goes. I'm glad your still hanging in there. Good luck with everything. Thank you.
 

BootLoader

Member
Please make a favor to yourself and never MO again. For me it had almost the same effects/results like PMO. I'm almost 2 years free from PMO, in these 2 years I have MO ~5 times 3 to 5 minutes per session was really enough... Every time I felt empty as hell and guilty, never enjoy it.
The last 4 months I have vivid dreams (I remember I was a kid when i had vivid dreams) and last 2 months I had 4 wet dreams 2 of them very close to each other and I'm feeling for second time in my life (this is my 2nd reboot) some of what they call libido, plus morning wood not everyday but 4-5 out of 10 days I'm not sure but something like that. These wet dreams didn't felt the same like MO, they didn't set me back to anything. I felt some kind of euphoria and stress release the day after.
So, don't give up, we have a lot to learn and I believe we can do it, I'm telling this because I'm almost in the same boat.
 

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
I'm in the same boat as you as well: I haven't MOed since October 2018 and I intend not to until I get GF. (I haven't PMOed since August 2017)

It did replicate the same effects as PMO.

Right now, I'm experiencing smaller signs of improvements: wet dream every now and then. MW every now and then and even when fantasying (I only do it briefly for testing) I seem to be getting a quicker erection.

I'm still a long, long way away, though.
 

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
Georgos said:
All the things you are doing are good D&O, I tried internet dating and that helped me a lot with feeling more comfortable about the idea of trying to engage romantically with members of the opposite sex, but it was also quite stressful for my mental health :( I think I'd like to try speed dating at some point too, but the point is that there's a lot of rewiring that needs to be done in order to move into the zone of healthy successful sexual relationships. For the last six to nine months or so I've basically had the attitude that time will heal, as it does all things, but I think you need to be proactive too. Self-analysis can be a trap, because you're not getting any outside stimulus to move you out of the circles (or spirals) of your thinking. Having dated a woman for four months without even so much as kissing, I know that I am much more confident around the idea of discussing sexual relationships, we've discussed a lot why we don't seem to be getting anywhere, and I've been able to make more suggestive texts without fear, though still with a lot of apprehension about how to follow through. She says I'm much more cool than when she first met me as a friend some twenty years ago, and that I take her to nice places, and am much more confident in myself, which is all positive. She does desire me. However the lack of sexual chemistry has been a problem. I've realised that I need something more than just time and going round in the same circles with her. So one of things I've decided to do is buy some books to read up on, on intimacy, and also sexual pleasure from a spiritual perspective. In Hinduism, pleasure is called kama, as in the kama sutra, so I've also bought some books on kama, and in ancient Greek, sexual love is called eros, so I've also bought some books on this. I also think I want to read some romance novels to get a perspective on how women see sexual pleasure and maybe some books on dating. That's a lot of reading, and I don't think it will necessarily be a magic wand, but getting outside stimulus into your psyche, is definitely a good way of getting out of the pit. We'll see how it goes. I'm glad your still hanging in there. Good luck with everything. Thank you.

Thank man. I certainly intend to expose myself to different stimulus as much as possible.

 

BootLoader

Member
Sex fantasy was my last and biggest problem but I managed to control it last year and I saw big improvements. Sometimes I have a boner when I'm seeing a hot women in real life. This is the best feeling I ever felt so far.
Keep going my friend and good luck.
 
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