38 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!

D

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
Today I MOed. I woke up this morning and just felt like doing it, I just couldn't help it. I was intending to go on a run of 1-2 years and even until I get a GF before I ever ejaculate again, but unfortunately I just couldn't. My hardmode, which is the longest, ended on exactly 6 months.

Unfortunately, the erections were no better than when I started this hardmode 6 months ago. Also, the orgasm felt noticeably weaker. As soon as I finished ejaculating, my mind was back to its normal state. There was not the after-cumming feel-good hormones feeling - just normal.

I feel I am truly damaged now and will never recover. It will be almost be impossible to get a GF that will put up with my problems.

I just fucking hate my existence.
 
D

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
Also, this is the (lousy) result of the following:

January 2017 - Quit porn after finding out the truth about it.
Softmode
June 2017 - PMOed - made erections worse.
Sofmode
August 2017 - PMOed - made erections worse. (This was the last PMO that I did).
HARDMODE
November 2017 - MOed, end of Hardmode.
HARDMODE
February 2018 - MOed, end of Hardmode.
Softmode and few hardmodes until October 2018.
October 2018 - Hardmode.
This morning - End of 6 months hardmode - longest ever streak.

And yet, my erections are worse than before I started this journey (mainly thanks to the two PMOs above and few binge MOs!)
 
J

Joosh

Member
Dude, you're made in the image of God. Do you realize what that means?

Right now you're living your life in your own image. And for some reasons it's a pretty damn (excuse the word) depressing perspective you're holding yourself against.
Of course there is hope of full recovery for you. As there is for all of us. But how are you going to go up against this distorted self-image?

Look, I don't know you. I basically just read your last and your first journal entry and I get the image of someone down in the darkness of depression.
This is what you state in your posts and comes through in the way you speak about yourself. Don't you know that God wants to uplift those that are burdened by life?
God doesn't see you in the false light you see yourself in. He wants you to turn your back on sexual sin and towards His Glory. The glory as it is manifested in the life and resurrection of Jesus Christ. That's your hope right there.
I know you mentioned you came from a mild religious upbringing and are now an atheist, but know that the word of God (the Logos) is written into your heart. There's no escaping it.

[Gospel of John]
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
He was with God in the beginning. Through Him all things were made, and without Him nothing was made that has been made.
In Him was life, and that life was the light of men. The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." 

"The true Light who gives light to every man was coming into the world.
He was in the world, and though the world was made through Him, the world did not recognize Him.
He came to His own, and His own did not receive Him.
But to all who did receive Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God.
Children born not of blood, nor of the desire or will of man, but born of God."

God loves his children for we are made in his light.
I know what it's like to struggle with life. To hate the world out there. Not being able to live up against societal expectations. To be utterly lifeless and depressed. To be jobless and without perspective. To feel ashamed as a man. To see yourself as emasculated and weak. And I still struggle with these things, yet I also know that my own perspective has proven itself to be false time and time again. It's as unreliable as the wisdom of this world. All of it, can't stand against the tides of time and certainly not against the eternal presence of God.

God is beyond space and time. Omnipresent, omnipotent and omniscience. He sees wherever we go faulty ways, he knows that we are in the grips of our own lies, yet he doesn't want to punish us for not walking in truth, for he realizes we are still like children. So He offers us love and guidance through his living word, Jesus Christ, granting us eternal life with Him, right here, right now.
Do you realize how amazing?
 
D

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
Sorry, but I have not time for God or religious or even spiritual (in this context) stuff. I'm only interested in the scientific chances of recovery.

Thank you for your post, but the fact that I had religion in my life since a child, was one reason why I'm in this fucking mess. I fucking hate Islam!! I fucking hate my life!1 and I fucking hate myself and  my fucking destiny!!
 
M

MinneapolisGuy

Member
I think @Joosh intentions are genuine but I don't think he can quite understand what people like you and me have been through when it comes to religion. When you've had your entire childhood saverly impacted as the direct result of fanatical religious practices to the point where it has even damaged your life as an adult, it becomes highly less likely that someone in our shoes would ever want to turn to any religion.

I don't disrespect or even dislike people just because they are religious. There are people that I care about and respect who are religious. But that still dosen't mean I have any desire or longing for religion back in my life, because I don't. I'm still not happy in life. But one thing is for sure, I'm happier than I was with religion.
 
D

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
I've decided that NoFap is not for me! It simply messed up my hormones to that point now that I feel like a person with female characteristics! (One of those is that I'm now putting weight on my lower body!)

Obviously I will not be going back to Porn, but I don't believe MOig once a day is bad for you - it's probably necessary. (I don't know why, it just feels that way!)
 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
D&O,

Have you seen a doctor about your symptoms?  I don?t understand how you have done all of this rebooting (both hard mode, soft mode, and permanent avoidance of porn) and not seen any benefits.  Getting rid of porn should have reset your mind to factory settings, Ie. attraction to real women.  Long periods of time without masturbation should have helped.  What?s going on?  If you have to masturbate once in a while, that should be fine. 

Rich
 
D

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
MinneapolisGuy said:
Why do you believe that MOving isn't bad for you right now when you've said before they've always seemed to make your erections weaker?
Click to expand...

If I binge MO, then yes, it certainly makes it weaker.

I'm doing one a day at the moment. although two days ago I did two a day, and since then my penis has become softer, a bit like an inflated balloon.
 
D

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
HumbleRich said:
D&O,

Have you seen a doctor about your symptoms?  I don?t understand how you have done all of this rebooting (both hard mode, soft mode, and permanent avoidance of porn) and not seen any benefits.  Getting rid of porn should have reset your mind to factory settings, Ie. attraction to real women.  Long periods of time without masturbation should have helped.  What?s going on?  If you have to masturbate once in a while, that should be fine. 

Rich
Click to expand...

I really would love to know why I am not experiencing any significant improvement. I really do! But I just don't know.

The only thing I can think of is this:

A. My environment is still the same. ie, same room, same furniture, same bed. (I live in a very small room and there is no much room for changing the furniture around/)

B. I don't have a neural pathways associated with real women/sex. My brain's hardwired sexual pathways have withered away due to chronic disuse (brain rule of 'Use it or lose it'.)

The sad thing for me right now, is that I'm becoming more and more accepting of my fate of never experiencing a normal or any relationship. It's really hurting me inside, but I just seem more accepting of it now.
 
M

MinneapolisGuy

Member
Acceptance of this will most likely lead you right back to full on PMO again. I know how it feels to feel as tho nothing is getting better. I know how it feels to think that everybody has someone but you.

Our situation and background is basically the same. PIED, religious background, and almost the same age. Ultimately it's your decision but what I'm trying to say to you is don't give in or give up.

I've mentioned this before but I think you should seriously go to a doctor to if anything just to eliminate any orher possible things that could be a cause. I know you said before you didn't need to go to one because you already knew the problem but I really think there's nothing wrong with just being checked out just in case. The funny is while my therapist doesn't believe that PIED exist, my urologist told me that it's definitely something real.

I know you mentioned you belive you might have issues with your hormones and your body becoming more feminine. If that's the case then you definitely need to be checked out because it could even be a case of low testosterone. It might not be but what I'm saying to you is just try and elliminate all possibilities. It's well worth doing, imo.

 
D

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
Acceptance in terms of not having any hope - but I'm actually still looking for someone.

Also, I have had many appointments with doctors, the system here in the UK is a joke. (Yes, it's overused, but that doesn't excuse some of its failings.)

BTW, last night I MOed.... during the ejaculation, I felt a sense of depersonalization and no pleasure. There is something seriously fucked up with me now! :( :( :(
 
G

Georgos

Well-Known Member
D&O I cannot really offer good advice on how to get a girlfriend, but I think you need to make your focus more general and try to work out how to lead a good life. You want a girlfriend, you desire a girlfriend, that is ok, there is nothing wrong with that, what I am stuck on is making myself eligible, and for me that comes with respecting myself, which I still don't know how to do. It seems to me that if I can respect myself then I will become eligible and it will be easy to get a girlfriend. The truth is you don't just want anyone, you want someone who fits with how you perceive yourself. If you don't respect who you are, then you cannot expect someone else to respect you for who you are. This is how I see it at any rate. The issue with PMO is a kind of distraction, it may be one of the root behaviours that caused you to lose respect, at least that is how it was with me, but I think, if you are like me, you have to see it within the larger context. It sounds to me like you have other issues, such as how religion was forced on you, or maybe like me, identity issues, I don't know. I think a good exercise, which is something I haven't been able to do because I simply don't know, is to try and write down everything that you want from a girlfriend. I get stuck with this exercise because I still just want an image sexually, maybe a physical model, but not a human being. This is why I have a lot of rewiring to do. When I had sex for the first time six years ago, I found that I felt that it wasn't as satisfying as MO. My friend said that would change as I had more sex, but I never got the opportunity. I thinking dating is good because you come to experience relating to real women. I'm sure you will find the right girl for you in the end, but as I said a good exercise is to start thinking about what you are really after in a realistic way, which means learning about yourself. I cannot say this will help with getting a girlfriend, because I still haven't got one, but I do know that I am much happier now than I've ever been, and that surely is the first step. Thank you.
 
D

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
I don't want my brain to forget about sexuality, so I'm MOing every now and then. I don't feel worse after MOing, it's only when I binge MO that I seem to regress (based on post-event non-interest at looking at real females and thickness of penis, it can become really soft like a deflated balloon after binge MOs. )

At the moment, for the last week or so, I only averaged one MO per 2 days, and so there doesn't seem to be any change.
 
J

jorge2166

Guest
That's why you have no sexual experience. Do the duty to go out with someone and start having sex without the purpose of having a coitus. Then you think about intercourse. For now the most important thing is that you start to gain experience
What do you say about it?
 
J

jorge2166

Guest
You need is help with psychology. it will be better. In the forum you are wasting time friend because your problem is not with pornography or masturbation. In the worst case the excess of masturbation tires but it is reversible in a matter of days or weeks. It depends on each one. Your problem is not with pornography as I told you.

Pornography is not so harmful as to cause DE or ED forever
 
M

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
jorge2166 said:
Friend: quiet. Pornography is not as bad as you think. It is true that in excess you can cause problems, but they are reversible in a matter of months.
Remove the idea from the head that the problem has been pornography.
What happens is that you have developed anxiety with the issue of pornography and that is what is affecting you.

All the men on the planet see pornography and a lot. Or at least, we've seen it, which means you should forget that your problem is porn.

You have another problem that can be cured successfully from professional help.

I imagine that in your country there should be good doctors and specialists.
Click to expand...

I'm really questioning your attitude given your recent postings. How much thought and research have you really invested in this problem? Please do some more research before posting such flippant advice. Frankly, your advice is an embarrassment. Expect your posts to be edited or deleted if you continue in this manner. This site is intended for people who have realised that porn is not a good thing and how to quit and leave it behind permanently.
 
M

manchacat

Member
maybe checking out stuff like taoist sexual practices may help,

you have been at this for a long time, so yeah, maybe nofap is not what will help you in its purest form, but you have to keep on looking, many people find tantra and taoist practices are the missing link.

check the multiorgasmic lover by jim benson for example, or other stuff like that, search sexual kung fu, taoist sex, tantra, etc,  just dont go back to porn if you it has a bad effect on you which it probably does.

and work on the other aspects of your life, meditation, exercise, all that stuff.



 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top