37 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
Today I sort of relapsed.

I was browsing for a realistic vagina toy (which is better than using your hands, if you're susceptible to MO!), and ufortunately I saw many pornographic photos. I didn't MO, but I did MO this morning before I actually browsed the toys. Therefore, nuerons that fire together will wire together even in such scenario.

I'm just so fucking fed up without having any sexual, or even emotional stimulation, whatsoever. It just feels so unnatural and humane. I'm it doesn't make sense to limit everything sexual even if it's artifical. Browsing the odd photo here and there is surely not going to set one back too much?

I'm just so fecking fed up, sick and depressed of this shit. I was doing very well before this fucking lockdown started! It's as  though life is fucking tellin me it's not meant to be!! So fucking angry.

I just feel like giving up and just living on Porn and realistic sex toys.

JUST SO FUCKING FED UP MAN!!  I bet nobody has been through such restricted sexuality as I have. Even in my PMO days, I didn't fully enjoy it as I was religious!

I have no sexuality, I have no intimacy, I have no connection, I have no one to talk to or to feel physcial with - and I never have and never even came FUCKING CAME CLOSE!!!

My post on here rately make sense because when I'm composing it, I feel really depressed and emotional.

I CAN'T FUCKING EXPRESS HOW HARD IT IS, AS A 37 YO, HOW TO GO ALL THE WAY THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT ANY INTIMACY!

If my fight worth all this effort? I'M BOUND TO NEVER BE WITH A GIRL THAT i TRUELY LIKE - IT'S SO OBVIOUS THAT I'M GOING TO BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO MAY WELL HAVE TO SETTLE RATHER THAN FIND THEIR DREAM GF!!

FUCK LIFE! FUCK CHADS!! FUCK OFF! JUST FUCK OFF!!!
 

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
I have nothing left to fight on.  I've been fighting life on my own pretty much ever since I turned an adult. Over 20 years now.... I've just had enough and suicidal thoughts are entering  my mind.

To be honest, nothing any family members or a psychotherapist would say (the highest form of help, I suppose) is ever going to make me feel strong enough to figh on.... because fighting on alone is now destroying me.

The only think that would help me is a bit of intimacy with a female that I like - it's gotten that bad. There is no way I will be able to get a GF while I'm in an emotional state such as this, and that's even before she finds out about PIED and the fact that my body is putting on weight every day! (my arse in particular)

Now do you see what sort of worries I  have in my head??? PIED, emotional problems and a mysterious fat gain condition - in addition to a souless existance/past.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE!!
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hello DepressedAndOut,

all that you've said is ok. You are angry and everyone can understand that. I can only guess how you feel, since i'm maybe on the other side of the planet, but we all know the helplessness with that addiction. I remember times when it was just one damn picture somewhere that i can't get out of my head for days up until i PMO/MO'd. This mechanism is powerful and you are in the middle of the fight. Is it time to give up?

I'm becoming 35 this year and i don't have any kids, although i dreamed of having a family all my life when i'm 35. Last year i was getting really nervous about that and i wasn't sure about what stressed me that much. Eventually i figured out what it was, the feeling of running late for life. Helped me absolutely not, so i've decided to turn around my expectation of life. Living with the thought that i would be too old to become a father with 40 is no problem for me anymore. It's just what it is, but it will not bring me down. I want to give you the impuls that one can start all over in life by every age. It sounds crazy, but it's not forbidden to find a woman for love at every age.

Have you ever met a specialist or therapist who can figure out with you what's holding you back of leaving the bad emotions behind? This is always an option.
Please, write here as you wish and figure some things out for you.

Even there are clouds all the time, the sun is awaiting, meaning: Now you only see clouds, clouds, clouds, ok? Some days are like that. But just the next day you can start all over with new energy.
 

EarthWalker

Active Member
Hi, DepressedAndOut.

I share your frustrations. I am a 34 year old virgin. I remember one time dancing with a girl and she just left mid dance. I remember thinking, I am this unlikable? Really? Not going to even finish the song?

And just recently. I decided to get some professional help. I thought things were going well. Then the guy just writes me an email saying basically he is dumping me as a patient.

I am like. Now this is exactly why the world is so fucked up. The medical industry says they want to heal you but in reality all they want is money. Government says they want to help the people in reality all they want is to give an illusion of helping and all they want is a system so that the rich can get richer and the poor can get poorer.

So I am doing the best thing possible. Connecting with my inner guidance. I started to look into self parenting. It looks promising. Basically I started to listen to my intuition and feelings.

I find this makes a lot of sense.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJjpTeAFw30

Take what resonates and discard all the rest.

Wish you all the best.

EW
 
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Icandoit

Guest
I feel the frustration, anger and despair because I'm almost 30 with no signs of a love life. In 8 months nothing has changed, it's the same old. But I want to point out something: Things are different nowadays because of social media. Just look at people on Youtube complaining about girls. It's not a great time to date, it was better in the past. I don't believe there is something wrong with you, I blame social media to be honest. A lot of guys can't get a girl and they could in the past. Nowadays they get rejected, girls don't even look at them. Unfortunately, I am in this situation too. I just want you to know it's not a problem with you. 20 years ago, you would've been fine. Nowadays, God have mercy because things are crazy.
 

EarthWalker

Active Member
It came to my attention that we are too hard on ourselves. We are doing the best we can with the hand we were dealt.

I think it is admirable how much effort each of us here put in trying to be better. Hats off to all of you fine gentlemen!

Apologies to OP for the off-topic.
 

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
So, unfortunately I relapsed last night to PMO. :( Devastated of course, and wary of what's to come in terms of symptoms.

However, going three years with no PMO and rarely any sexual stimulation (apart from MO and fantasy) was really difficult at the end. Ultimately I am still an older virgin whose had ver, very limited amount with the opposite sex. I'm not making excuses, but it's really difficult going through life without a female companion or sexual excitation.

However, the early signs are good - my penis looks the same. I haven't checked my erection quality as I'm frankly too scared to do that.

The relapse itself was a minor relapse; i checked 4-5 pictures during a spell of no more than 5 minutes. I started feeling of excitation in my head and stomach. Not sure if this is how sex feels like or is it certainly the addiction?
The orgasm was not that intense. However, the orgasm was different..... I felt neural pathways in my brain activating. It actually wasn't nice as it reminded me of a feeling that I forgot (or maybe not even noticed before as this is the first time I had reverted back to PMO following a lengthy spell). After the ejculation, I started shaking, feeling nervous, feeling sick, feeling suicidal and I simply... well, sick, shaking, crying, suicidal, etc. I couldn't sleep afterwards, but eventually I got a decent night's sleep.

The next day (this morning) I woke up feeling better, albeit a little bit too anxious from yesterday still. I'm feeling a little bit tired (could be due to the energy of PMO or the anxiety). A little bit of a loss of appetite. When attempting to think about sex, I feel brain heating up. My penis looked fine (ie, it's not dead and not shrunk).

Overall I'm devastated and still a little bit sick. However, those are likely to be induced by the psychological aspects of our fight against PMO ('cause PMO is conceptualised in our brain as a negative thing). But thinking about it rationally, I don't believe this relapse has set me back too much. This is not an invitation to be complacent, it's simply my observation of someone that was for a long time without PMO and relapsed a 'normal' relapse. I don't believe it sets you back significantly, maybe 3 months at worse?

Does anyone have any questions, while my mind is still fresh from this?

If not, I hope maybe we can learn something from this?
 
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Icandoit

Guest
I feel you, man. No sex can drive people crazy. I don't have much success with girls either so I know what's like. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I relapse so much. It's like my brain interprets porn as my "sex life", if you know what I mean.
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
The relapse doesn't set you back much, when it was only one occassion and you are back in hardmode?

Having intimacy with a woman you like or love is undescribable. The first times it's a cocktail of a lot of emotions, but the more often you have the chance with the same woman of interest, the better it gets, because of the trust in each other.

I just try not to think about sex, but i'm also very strict with myself. No MO, fantasy, thinking about sex, just nothing but normal intercourse with the GF.

What was is that got you triggered to relapse?
 

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
Yeah, I'm in Hardmode hopefully for at least 6 months.

The lockdown really fucked me up a bit, I just felt frustrated from not seeing real females, I suppose.

 

linton170

Member
I totally feel you brother. I'm 33, virgin, gay, come from a religious background and suffering from ED. Due to Covid pandemic, I smell joblessness peeking. Only difference is I feel amazing. Don't smoke, don't drink, exercise almost everyday, eat healthy, play video games, watch movies, read books, I even draw and write. I do feel sad having lost my twenties "sexlessly", but apart from that, life's great! And I'm going to regain my sex life, that's my aim, and I'll get there.  ;D

We're in this together, so keep strong  ;)
 

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
My mum asked me to do a bit of gardening for which I reluctantly agreed. As I was doing it, my thoughts about you know what (ie, me being an older virgin whose had no fun in life and is currently stuck in his mother's home unable to get his own place or a GF) where controlling my mind, and then I suddenly threw the pitchfork on the floor, shouted 'FUCK OFF!' and stormed back to my room.

This is the state that I'm fucking in now! If the activity has no direct influence towards me achieving my goals, then I'm simply not fucking motivated to do it! I'm not motivated about anything in life apart from doing the things that will eventually help me get regular sex life!! (ie, going to the gym, working, studying, etc).

This is the state of an old virgin, ladies and gentlemen. I fucking despise who I am.
 

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
linton170 said:
I totally feel you brother. I'm 33, virgin, gay, come from a religious background and suffering from ED. Due to Covid pandemic, I smell joblessness peeking. Only difference is I feel amazing. Don't smoke, don't drink, exercise almost everyday, eat healthy, play video games, watch movies, read books, I even draw and write. I do feel sad having lost my twenties "sexlessly", but apart from that, life's great! And I'm going to regain my sex life, that's my aim, and I'll get there.  ;D

We're in this together, so keep strong  ;)

Thank you. Going through my 20s and now most likely my 30s sexless is suffocating me.
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hello Dao,

I've read your comment and just can't let it stand there without intervention.
Firstly, it's understandable how you feel and i'm not questioning this feeling, which i have deepest respect for. It's the thinking that you suffer under this state that i don't like. In our situation negative thoughts multiply with negative thoughts leading you more and more often into the state of emotion where a use of addictive behaviour is likely. Meaning, you suffocating is holding you back in making the steps you want to do.

Anyway, we are in this together and what you've mentioned about motivation for things in life that aren't helping you reaching your goals is really what i've experienced myself. You can't instantly change what hasn't happened yet, so you are free to seperate anything away from your life that isn't contributing to focus all your enegry towards your goals.
 

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
Believe me, for quite a while, I was in control of my mind - wasn't thinkin negative and wasn't thinking much about sex and girls. I can go a long time without sabotaging my mind, but every once in a while..... bad thoughts creep in and then I suddenly go through 2-3 days being angry and depressed. It's definitely not realistic that I can win against my thoughts all the time. No chance!!

Thanks for your support, anyway.
 

EarthWalker

Active Member
Speaking for my experience with a different online community. Online communities are not equipped to facilitate any kind of "help". The best what we can do is share experience, knowledge, stories, etc and send some good wishes. This is about the extent of help I personally expect.

It is tough. I am guessing you didn't had a father figure in your life and your mother is a bit on the male side. I have this kind of upbringing. It messed me up. I am still a mess. 34 yo and a virgin. This is not suppose to be this way. But here we all are...

I find a lot of comfort listening to Jordan Peterson and this guy now Dan Crenshaw makes a lot of sense to me.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/30257963-12-rules-for-life
https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/43387496-fortitude

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjrQayR_S8k

My thought and prayers are with you.

Not long ago this phrase totally triggered me. Now I understand. This is how it is meant to be. Only we can do the inner work for ourselves.

EW
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey,

negative thoughts also have their rights to exist when there are aswell the positive ones. I'm saying, let them exist, you know how to handle them and if not you can learn how to.

How are you handling the situation right now with PMO?
 

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
Not PMOing. Slight urges slight night which kept persisting to the point that I had to pleasure myself with my penis for a little while. I didn't MO, but thankfully the self pleasuring for 1-2 minutes was enough for me to loss my urges. I guess I had a dopamine hit there!
 

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
In recent weeks and months, I've been having a really intense and emotional time more than usual (today, for example, I cried in the bus - I simply cannot go on being alone much longer). Today I had a blood test appointment with a nurse. So, I did something that I always lacked the bollocks to do - I approached the nurse (or a woman!) and made a pass.

She was someone that took previous blood test samples from me before and I always found her attractive (even though she's probably in her late 50s!). I simply went for it. I was hoping she would start a personal conversation and so develop something of a relationship between us (I'm about 20 years younger, so I felt it was worth a shot!). However, I believe this is wishful thinking - maybe it only happens in TV dramas!

Anyway, what happened was, as we sat opposite each other and as she finished taking the sample, I extended forward and gently started touching and rubbing her elbow and arm. It felt nice and comforting for 1-3 seconds (and I already miss that feeling! :( ). She then said.... 'what are you doing? That's inappropriate'. She then faced her monitor to the side and started typing for 10 or so seconds. I felt like giving it another shot and so I said to her: 'Are you single?'. Unfortunately, again, she said that's inappropriate. And then our appointment ended with her quickly leading me to the exit door.

I feel slightly embarrassed about it, but I can't even lie about this.... I really desperately need someone to touch and talk to it - something that has been missing all my adult life.

I know I can't use that as an excuse... but like I said, I'm in an emotional turmoil, it dictated my actions as well.

I'm living a really inhumane existence and the thought of suicide becomes more and more too powerful to ignore.

By the day now I have been conscious of getting older. Every morning I wake up and just feel so depressed as I know what's ahead of me in the day (alone and work).

FUCK MY LIFE!
 
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