38 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!

[KittyHawk]

I can relate. When I was 27, I was also a virgin, never been even kissed on a mouth, my biggest intimate "action" in the history was friendly kiss on a cheek from a girl from my class. I was living with my parents. I suffered from sever social anxiety. Eye contact with woman outside my family was almost unimaginable. I had a job but it was so low-paid I couldn't afford to move out from my parents.

I was deciding whether to try psychoanalysis, commit suicide, or buy myself a prostitute. Don't to any of that.

In just one year, almost everything changed towards better. You know how?
I was depressed but I believe back at that point I had every reason to be depressed since my life was terrible. Instead of tackling symptoms (depression, social anxiety, etc), I focused on getting better at making money and at talking to girls. Making initial contact on a street or somewhere in the real life was too scary, so I started with online dating. First few dates were a tragedy, because once the girl saw how I behave in person, she instantly lost interest. I was turned down even by some really unattractive ones. But I persisted and slowly made progress.

Today, I am 32 and far from being confident, extroverted or perfect in any other measurable way. Still, I found a beautiful wife, relocated to the country of my dreams, bought a house. If I could do it, you surely can too.  Start with what you can change about yourself right now. Maybe taking better care about your appearance? Maybe start interacting with women on non-romantic basis through some hobby? If that is too much, start interacting with guys.

Take baby steps. You will eventually get there.

PS: If you have any question, send me PM. I did a lot of mistakes coming out of the misery that was my life so I can save you some time.

 

[javidze]

I'm making no progresss whatsoever, and it's really disheartening and depressing.

I'm mean, I don't have too much problem not viewing porn (apart from the odd glance at a naughty pic in non-porn sites) but unfortunately masturbating is a bit harder to Fight off. Especially when I have this tendency to test my penis every now and then and see if there are any improvements. (None!)

Just getting so sick of my life - not one intimate moment with a woman and I'm nearly 34!  I just feel so sick about it.

Suicide has been on my mind quite a bit lately. So sick.

How are you man? Still there?
Please don't do anything stupid.
Hope we can help you out.

 

[DepressedAndOut]

I'm here... yeah.

I noticed that I haven't masturbated for the last few days - I don't know how. It just happened without me noticing. Maybe I was busy.... or maybe I actually stopped fantasizing about sex. (Not easy when you are a virgin.)

 

[javidze]

Keep it up dude.
I'm not a virgin but I've never enjoyed sex because of the addiction. So I like to think that after all this reboot process, next time I have sex it will be amazing.
Stay positive!

 

[malando]

D&O, read what Kittyhawk wrote. If you aren't making contact with him, it's because you don't want to change badly enough. He has kindly offered to help you out with specific advice and support, and he has been in your exact situation. Seek him out and make the effort. You've got rocks in your head if you don't!

Have you ever asked yourself why you don't take people up on their offers of help? Could it be that you feel safer in some way, just giving up and not hoping for more? You need to confront such tendencies by realising that your life is short, you only get one shot at life - it's time to start listening to people who have survived and built upon lives that were very similar to yours right now. You have a lot of support here, you can do this, but you've got to want it. You can't allow yourself to live on a steady diet of thoughts like, "I want to commit suicide, I will never touch a woman, it's all so hopeless". By now you should have learned enough to know that this is just a trick of the mind to give people excuses not to step outside their usual safety zones and try something new and uncomfortable. I've got news for you: meeting women is hard for most guys. Very few guys are masters of it, or feel confident in doing it. The vast majority of relationships form by pure accident just by being more social. Forget the advice above suggesting you go to a bar and just pick up a woman for sex. That's ridiculous advice. What you need to do is gradually increase the amount of social contact in your life. Start with making a friend or two, join a hobby group, do some volunteering. You will eventually come to know some people, you will eventually meet more people through that contact. At some stage you will come across a few girls you like, eventually one of those girls is going to like you. You won't know where or when, you can't dictate how things play out, but you can get out into the world and let things happen. The right woman isn't going to be going through a checklist of items that you fail to measure up to. The right woman will see something in you and you can work out a future together. You are stuck in your head of too-often repeated ideas and fallacies. You need to get out of your head and just focus on a simpler life with more social components. Opportunity springs out of exposure to new things. Opportunity will not spring from hiding away - whether it's at your parents' place or in your own flat. It's not where you live, it's how you live that determines your opportunities.

You can contact me too for support - any time. But please do contact Kittyhawk because he has been exactly where you are. Don't let go of such a valuable offer. It's not too late.

Best wishes,
M.

 

[DepressedAndOut]

Hello,

Thank you for you advice - I certainly do want to change, but I just don't know where to start.

I have so many concerns in life, that I don't know where to turn.

Unfortunately my few days of not masturbating was was cut short by the usual cycle. (Masturbate if I can't go to sleep and when coming back from outside having seen hot women out and about.)

I also, unfortunately, have had a slight few peeks at nude photos lately, I did feel slight excitement at it when it happens - but I guess that's the wrong type of excitement that I ought to be experiencing. I think I will be fine avoiding porn, but every now and then unfortunately, especially as a virgin, I will fall foul of my temptations.

Can you tell if doing the above has regressed my progress?? Does the pathway of this porn habit not getting stronger after abstaining for x weeks and then suddenly going back to porn? (It wasn't porn that I browsed, just some nude pics.)

I'm not saying I want that brain pathway to get stronger, I just want to make sure that I haven't affected my progress.

Also, why on earth aren't I responding to real sexual stimuli ....? (I mean when I see a real hot girl, either wearing reveling clothes or when not.) It's really confusing me and worrying me that if I eventually find someone, I would not be able to get it up or have desire.

Thank you very much for your advice.

 

[DepressedAndOut]

Hello,

Can anyone help answering my above questions, please?

 

[javidze]

I also, unfortunately, have had a slight few peeks at nude photos lately, I did feel slight excitement at it when it happens - but I guess that's the wrong type of excitement that I ought to be experiencing. I think I will be fine avoiding porn, but every now and then unfortunately, especially as a virgin, I will fall foul of my temptations.

Can you tell if doing the above has regressed my progress?? Does the pathway of this porn habit not getting stronger after abstaining for x weeks and then suddenly going back to porn? (It wasn't porn that I browsed, just some nude pics.)

Hey there!

At least for me, checking for nudity is porn. Softcore. But depends on you. Depends on the time you did it and how you felt.

If it was something you started doing for a little while but suddenly you thought about it, stopped and did something else for you not to fall, I think it's ok. But if you spent big time with it, masturbated and stuff, it would be a fail.

Now, if you failed, don't think that nothing changed. Everytime you reboot for a long time, you get stronger. Your mind is stronger now. Maybe if you start again from zero, you won't fall anymore.

Unfortunately my few days of not masturbating was was cut short by the usual cycle. (Masturbate if I can't go to sleep and when coming back from outside having seen hot women out and about.)

As far as I remember, you have a big problem with masturbation as well as with porn. Stop masturbating. It obviously affects you and it's an addiction too. It is because you keep coming back to it and can't stop the habit.

I recommend Rebooting the hard way. No porn, no masturbation, no fantasising, no nudity, no Psubs (bikini pics, sexy pics, any attractive pictures, no movies with 'romantic' or 'sexy' scenes, etc). Put some filters on your computer, don't stay up late, don't even use your computer if someone is not around. i.e. I like to go to public places to use my computer when I feel tempted cuz I know I won't watch porn, anything related or even waste my time if someone is around. It improves your productivity.

Also, why on earth aren't I responding to real sexual stimuli ....? (I mean when I see a real hot girl, either wearing reveling clothes or when not.) It's really confusing me and worrying me that if I eventually find someone, I would not be able to get it up or have desire.

I think about it too sometimes. Well, we gotta take baby steps. I think we already have too many problems to be worrying about the future (that is, what will happen when you have a girlfriend or sex partner). It's like worrying about crashing while driving when you don't even have a car.
So take it easy. Concentrate on your rebooting process by controlling porn/masturbation first, and I'm pretty sure you'll be completely healthy when you have sex.

Last thing. Check this video out. It's this guy sharing some thoughts about depression. Helped me a lot.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ot1ekyTLZDA

Have a good one!
DZ

 

[DepressedAndOut]

I just can't take this anymore!! WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME??? I think this Nofap/No porn life is really making my mind worse now!!

I'm constantly ruminating with myself and now it's manifesting itself verbally and physically! I'm shouting with myself and hitting stuff. I'm doing this alone and, while walking back from work today, I did it in public. There were cars passing by and one or two people walking behind me; but I just didn't care..... I ended shouting to myself really loudly and hitting posts of traffic signs with my hand!! I was shouting and swearing loudly to myself (about my life) and I just gave no damn! (where as before, I rarely drew attention to myself in public, in fact I even had pulic anxiety when I was younger!).

The more confusing and frustrating thing is that, even though my sex drive is at zero, I'm still in rage about my non-physical contact with any girl before. It's like it's a mental thing now. (Would rather if I just  had biological sex frustration rather than mental, for fucks sake!!)

In the UK right now it's sunny as fuck and the girls are coming out side looking incredibly scandalous!! JUST SCANDALOUS OUTFITS!!

Every time I go out, my heart sinks seeing beautiful girls which I can't even talk to let alone stick my penis in them! (Don't tell me to go out and get a GF, for fucks sake!! My life is just too ruined at the moment. It might never happen.)

Excuse me, but now I'm going to have to  lie down in bed and just masturbate.... I just can't take it anymore. (not forget the beneficial mood benefits that orgasm give you.) Won't be using any porn though. (just imagination and me talking dirty as though they are here. I sometimes also you a pillow to "fuck".) 

 

[DepressedAndOut]

The following day I was involved in an argument with a guy at the gym - over something really trivial. It was my fault, I overreacted, which is again has rarely been me. I just felt different.

Thankfully the past few days have been okay and calmer for me. I'm startting meditating again.... hopefully I can get a good run going.

I keep watching lectures on Youtube but I rarely find something that helps me in understanding what's happening to me - too many things are happening at once and it's really confusing what's causing it. (ie, porn or the depression or something else.)

 

[DepressedAndOut]

I'm also reading all of Gary Wilson's posts on here, so hopefully I'll find out something that would aid my understanding.

 

[Firstbigstep]

Whoa!

Let's go back a bit. All of the following is said from a not too dissimilar position. I'm a fair bit older than you but have hsd very limited success with the ladies, am going through a marital breakdown, haven't had sex for over 3 years.

You've spent all your life with one set of behaviours.that you (initially ) innocently embraced. They have got you to where you are now.

That's a long time. Imagine you were going down a path in a woodland that forked. When you started to become porn dependent, you took one path at the fork. You've spent all this time following that path further and further into the woods.

It's going to take time to find that other path again. Sometimes it's nearly in sight. Other times it seems even further away. Even when it's close there are bramble patches and nettles in the way.

I've found false trails, other paths that look promising but turn out to rejoin the porn path. I'm not prepared to backtrack 35 years to get to the right path - so, with the help of others here, I'm slashing a new path through the undergrowth back to where I want to be.

Sure, your position is a tough one. But you're self aware enough to be here, posting. Use that as your machete to cut through the crap.

A long time ago, when I was a 25 year old virgin myself, a girl sat down next to me at a works party where I was,  yet again,  sat alone bemoaning my lack if success with girls. She knew my situation and asked me a really good question "Would you want to spend time and get together with someone like you? " I use that question on myself a lot.

Take a long, hard and honest look at yourself. Then become the person a girl would want to be with. It's not easy, no. (I don't respond well to people who ask me why I don't "just get laid") But that girl turned on a lightbulb in my head - and she did it with compassion.

You're not going mad. You're frustrated and angry. Channel those emotions positively. Punching street signs and shouting at yourself are not actions that will help you.

Drop me a message if you want to talk.

Stick with this. You WILL be fine when you get to where you're headed.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Be grateful that you have your parents around and that they are willing to help you out . Help them out as well, in everyway you can while you live in the same place.

Suggestion: Don't masturbate. I think complete abstinence during your recovery is way better.

One last thing. I'd consider changing my username. Being called DepressedAndOut doesnt necesarily help you with your recovery. You gotta be positive.

Spot on Dave Z and gazz.

Something that is helping me recently is looking up videos of talks by incredible motivational speakers such as Zig Ziglar, Les Brown,  Tony Robbins and others.

I almsot lost my life from sex, alcohol and drug addiction. I now attend SAA, did a lot of NA and AA as well. In the 12 steps they recommend developing a relationship with a higher power, along with doing service, working steps, meetings and getting a sponsor.

I see you are atheist, which is fine, but the key is to surrender to a process that is bigger than our limited understanding and knowledge, whether that is the wisdom in this forum, your support group or some other source of love and strength. For each person, even in the same faith or philosophy, it is different. But I believe we, especially as addicts, need to have some sort of foundation.

I nearly relapsed badly yesterday, but more than my religion, it was the knowledge that I have a group to attend later tonight and have committed to some service.

I need to take the extra step of staying away from social media.

 

[KittyHawk]

DepressedAndOut:

You are dealing with 2 problems right now. First is PMO addiction. Second is the lack of the real-life success with women.
I know how hard is that. When I was 27, I was still a virgin (and addicted to PMO but I didn't know I had ED because I had a no way to find out). I spend over a year learning how to succeed with women. When I finally did, I was completely unable to perform. Can you imagine my frustration? It is like spending your entire life thirsty and when you finally find a bottle of water, you can't open it.

You can be angry about your problems (large portion of that anger is likely a withdrawal symptom) or you can work on your appearance and personality while continuing in hard-mode. That way you will be ready when the perfect lady enters your life. If you are not naturally good with ladies, it will be a process and you'll be rejected many times. But it is all worth it. Trust me. You can do it.

 

[DepressedAndOut]

Hello all,

Thank you for your latest advice - it's much appreciated.

Thankfully I'm a bit calmer for the last few days.

I do look after  my appearance and my personality - however, both of them are harder and harder to control now. (For the former it's the hair loss! and for the later it's the depression, stress, anger, low self esteem and sexual frustration of nearly two decades! )

I'm also watching a lot of self help clips on youtube.

Thank you for your help.

 

[DepressedAndOut]

Hello again,

One more thing:

Few days ago I noticed my penis was more erect than usual ? meaning that it didn't need stimulating as much to maintain the blood flow and that it was slightly firmer. It was nothing more than a slight improvement.

I therefore decided to ?celebrate? this discovery by masturbating (sorry) a bit. I masturbated on couple of occasions on that day in the afternoon. Then, on the same day I felt like masturbating again (yes I know, I am trying to stop!), but unfortunately my penis felt as weak as before the improvement .

Is this normal? What?s going on? Did I imagine those ?improvements? or something? (I'm pretty sure I didn't!)

How can your penis show signs of improvement but then on the same day revert back to the old ways? Is it because I masturbated?.? Can it really work that fast? on the same day??? (I mean to improve and then to regress again in the same day!)

Please explain.

Thank you.

 

[KittyHawk]

No reason to freak out. Even if you are a healthy man without PIED, the ability to achieve erection may vary based on how recently you had an orgasm (especially if you are not a teenager anymore).

As far a hair loss goes: Probably biggest factor is genes. But prolonged intense stress also can lead to some hair loss. From reading your post I can almost feel how stressed you are (I also had a long stress/anxiety period in my life recently). Calm down, everything will be OK.

 

[DepressedAndOut]

Yeah, my hairloss is genetic - I mentioned it just to say that I can't do anything about myself esteem in that regard.

Also, your erection get weaker after orgasming? Not that I remember it during my 20's.

I've masturbated few times this morning already - I inadvertently woke up 2-3 hours than intended and I felt in a depressive mood and so I masturbated. It didn't stop me from having a cry afterwards, though. I think this episode was triggered by me when I was watching a documentary a day before - it was presented by this beautiful and clearly affectionate woman, she's the type of girl that I've always wanted, inside and out. I was lying in bed this morning imagining her being my girlfriend. Unfortunately this sort of dream my never happen to me.

Yes, clearly I have an emotional problem - but then that's not one bit surprising since I've never spent a company with any girl one-on-one. I've never go to know a girl's soul - all o my experiences with girls was through social interaction. (ie - with people being around, like at work.and obviously in non-romantic way.)

Also, unfortunately even my erections this morning have been weak as usual - if I can only workout why the other day it was a bit firmer! It's so frustrating. And it's so frustrating to think that i may never experience a full satisfactory sexual experience.

 

[DepressedAndOut]

I've had to remove the woman's name! I don' want to her to one day see this post and freak out!

She's just too nice.

 

[Firstbigstep]

It is all too easy to get wrapped up in the fog of depression that not being where you want to be can generate.

I think a couple of other contributors have suggested that you change your log in name. I wouldn't necessarily go that far, as it might act as a reminder of how far you have come. But I would strongly suggest keeping an eye on what you are telling yourself.

Worrying that you might never experience a full satisfying sexual experience is likely to actually reduce the likelihood of that very thing happening.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was 26, so I can relate to being a late starter. I'm currently 3 1/2 years into another barren patch. It's bloody frustrating - everyone else seems to be having sex left, right and centre.

But I am working on being the kind of person someone will want to sleep with. It's not easy (there isn't a huge market for 52 year old guys with broken marriages around where I live!) But I am working hard on improving myself, for myself in the hope that this process will improve my chances.

Try some positive affirmations first thing in the morning. Put some reminders around your room. Do anything but give in to the behavioural habits that have got you to where you are.

Support is here for you but you are the only one who can take action.