DepressedAndOut
Active Member
Hello,
I don't know where to start, it's a long story, I'll try and keep it short.
I'm basically so depressed, unbelievably depressed with life. I will go through my story as coherently as possible.
I'm 33, a virgin, depressed since my early 20's, severely since 2011 (but bit better now for the last year or so) and really, really need your help.
It all pretty much started when when I was 22 - I couldn't find a job for the next 7 years. This truly destroyed my life and completely changed my outlook on life - not least due to the implications of that jobless spell.
This meant that I was unable to build my future on any solid foundation - and that, of course, includes any relationships.
Yes, I've never been in one and I've never even had sex. Not even a flirtatious conversation with one. In fact, I've never spent any time alone with a female on any social basis. I'm basically completely starved of women, they are like aliens to me.
Obviously having no job did not help my self esteem, but because I was unfortunate enough to have been born into a background with religious ties - albeit very lax ties.(I'm even now an atheist, thankfully. ) This obviously also meant that girls are a no-no until I get a secure job and get married. (whatever happened to that life plan!)
So basically, no job and religious background meant that I simply couldn't live my life. I don't have any friends because, particularly during my jobless spell, I spent that time hiding myself from society - I was simply too embarrassed about who I was. (gym, library and job centre were my regular sights - my life was that bad, yes.) (And yes, I've never been even on holiday or a party. ) (Yep, it's that depressing... can you imagine losing your life away just like that?!!)
Anyway, so obviously to compensate on the lack of women in my life.... I used Porn.
I never thought Porn could be the reason for my ED - I mean I was enjoying it so much that it actually gave me some comfort when I was using porn, in addition to the sexual satisfaction. (believe me, when you are starved of a personal source of affection all of your adult life, porn/masturbation was the closest I could get to having a female company. )
Then few weeks back I watched the Gary Wilson documentary on YouTube - and now I have made the commitment to not use porn. (I lost my libido 6 years ago but I still used porn, allbeit on reduced basis.)
All that time i though my ED was down to severe depression/stress - maybe it still is?
This is why I'm here - so I can see which one is it? Or is a combination of all three?
I haven't seen pornographic images since the start of the year now - but I am still masturbating. I really would like to stop if masturbating if it is hindering my progress.
I've been to endocrinology labs few times - various blood checks have come back normal. I'm a healthy person, never smoked, never drunk any alcohol, haven't even been ill for the last 11 years! I also work out three times a week. Good level of muscle and lowish body fat.)
One thing that is killing me, I really don't know if there is hope for me or not. I have this inevitable feeling of middle aged suicide - I'm not too far off 40!!
PLEASE, PLEASE HELP. I can't describe how soulless, funless and joyless my life has been. PLEASE HELP. Do I have any hope of getting back to my old-self??
I don't know where to start, it's a long story, I'll try and keep it short.
I'm basically so depressed, unbelievably depressed with life. I will go through my story as coherently as possible.
I'm 33, a virgin, depressed since my early 20's, severely since 2011 (but bit better now for the last year or so) and really, really need your help.
It all pretty much started when when I was 22 - I couldn't find a job for the next 7 years. This truly destroyed my life and completely changed my outlook on life - not least due to the implications of that jobless spell.
This meant that I was unable to build my future on any solid foundation - and that, of course, includes any relationships.
Yes, I've never been in one and I've never even had sex. Not even a flirtatious conversation with one. In fact, I've never spent any time alone with a female on any social basis. I'm basically completely starved of women, they are like aliens to me.
Obviously having no job did not help my self esteem, but because I was unfortunate enough to have been born into a background with religious ties - albeit very lax ties.(I'm even now an atheist, thankfully. ) This obviously also meant that girls are a no-no until I get a secure job and get married. (whatever happened to that life plan!)
So basically, no job and religious background meant that I simply couldn't live my life. I don't have any friends because, particularly during my jobless spell, I spent that time hiding myself from society - I was simply too embarrassed about who I was. (gym, library and job centre were my regular sights - my life was that bad, yes.) (And yes, I've never been even on holiday or a party. ) (Yep, it's that depressing... can you imagine losing your life away just like that?!!)
Anyway, so obviously to compensate on the lack of women in my life.... I used Porn.
I never thought Porn could be the reason for my ED - I mean I was enjoying it so much that it actually gave me some comfort when I was using porn, in addition to the sexual satisfaction. (believe me, when you are starved of a personal source of affection all of your adult life, porn/masturbation was the closest I could get to having a female company. )
Then few weeks back I watched the Gary Wilson documentary on YouTube - and now I have made the commitment to not use porn. (I lost my libido 6 years ago but I still used porn, allbeit on reduced basis.)
All that time i though my ED was down to severe depression/stress - maybe it still is?
This is why I'm here - so I can see which one is it? Or is a combination of all three?
I haven't seen pornographic images since the start of the year now - but I am still masturbating. I really would like to stop if masturbating if it is hindering my progress.
I've been to endocrinology labs few times - various blood checks have come back normal. I'm a healthy person, never smoked, never drunk any alcohol, haven't even been ill for the last 11 years! I also work out three times a week. Good level of muscle and lowish body fat.)
One thing that is killing me, I really don't know if there is hope for me or not. I have this inevitable feeling of middle aged suicide - I'm not too far off 40!!
PLEASE, PLEASE HELP. I can't describe how soulless, funless and joyless my life has been. PLEASE HELP. Do I have any hope of getting back to my old-self??