38 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!

Wolfman

Active Member
Sorry to hear about that DepressedAndOut. You did muster the courage to make a pass, and that's commendable, but to be fair, it was also inappropriate, especially touching someone just like that. I'm no flirting expert by a long shot, but unless there are "signs" (she either looks at you with intent, or is curious about you, etc.), then you really have no indication that they're interested in you, and so you should proceed (if you still want to) with the absolute minimum: only verbally, tell them you find them attractive and you want to ask them out. If they refuse, then you've given your emotions a fair shot and you can put it behind you. I also think the circumstances make it extra hard: she's at her place of work, not at a club, so she's not looking to flirt. Thanks for telling us about this--it was no doubt difficult the first time and then have to recount it in words must've made it more despairing.

The times are especially hard now for meeting people and doing group activities, which is what I would normally recommend if you'd want to potentially meet somebody, so alleviate the loneliness with social contact with friends and family, or join live discussions groups online about stuff (book club? physics club? chess club?).

I hope you'll get better days soon. The bad days will come but they will also go, and on good days try to use the energy to set new patterns and practical changes. I wish you the best!
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
I really desperately need someone to touch and talk to it - something that has been missing all my adult life.
Hi, DepressedAndOut.

I know what you mean. I am dealing with this stuff myself. Like I have never kissed a girl. But it doesn't bother me the way it used to bother me.

Last week I felt like calling up a classmate from high school. We were buddies in HS. He accepted. He mentioned over coffee that he is seeing a psychiatrist. He is also taking some antidepressants. Says it is helping him a lot both the therapy and the pills.

For me what is helping a great deal is looking at my beliefs and perceptions. Together with my needs and finding ways to live while my needs are not met. Mindfulness stuff. I observe loneliness, give it space, accept it, then it goes away. I am also self studying some psychology. I found this PhD dissertation interesting as it talks about beliefs. I am fascinated with beliefs as I feel like our beliefs create our reality to a large extent. Just started reading it. https://duepublico2.uni-due.de/receive/duepublico_mods_00070589

Much love
EW
 

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
I turned 38 recently and I'm really panicking about reaching 40 and still being a virgin. I'm sort of half-given up about finding someone before reaching 40.

I feel so much sorrow.
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
I am 35. I am a virgin as well. I used to get very depressed about this and ruminated like crazy. Like crazy level of negative rumination about this. Now I have found acceptance with this. I am all good with this. It quite literally doesn't both me anymore.

What is working for me is to allow myself to feel, accept my feelings, feel them, hold space for them, then something happens I am not sure why this works but the negative feelings just get dissolved.

You are not alone in being a virgin after X arbitrary set years. For me at least this goes to self-esteem issues. Intrinsic self-worth. If we need something outside to build our innate sense of self worth. In my view this is danger territory. I know one guy who slept with many, many women. The last time I checked he is divorced with 2 children and might have some depression issues. So can't say that using sex to boost self-esteem is the way to go. I think even on this forums some guys who went to see escorts, I don't remember reading it helped with their P addiction. Maybe some can write some more about this?

EW
 

Robby82

Member
I have been with escorts and it can be a help in some cases to combat extreme porn addiction it should not become an addiction itself but a way to feel better when you just can't help but have sex myself now. I am no longer looking for escorts but real relationships we must always keep in mind that the escorts are professionals who would not make love for free with us so no illusions but certainly better to go with an escort once in a while than masturbating every day if we look at the prostitutes in antiquity they have always been in any case it can be fine to calm the addiction but it should not be replaced with the search for a real relationship
 
I had a friend who lost his virginity at 39.

He had crippling low self esteem his whole life and was made fun of by people for being unattractive and awkward.

We went on a program together with some other guys, an intensive 10 week program to help men be more attractive and relate to women better.

We all got in shape, started dressing better, and went clubbing nearly every night to practise meeting women.

He ended up finally losing his virginity in about week 8 and we had this huge celebration for him. It was a massive weight lifted from his shoulders.

I was the opposite to some degree, I had been with many women and was only 28 at that time. We were rooming together in the hotel.

I found it really inspiring how he battled for all those years and then finally everything clicked into place for him. It took a lot of effort and courage on his part, but he got there.

That was 6 years ago and he now has a gf and they live together.

As someone who has been with a lot of women and known other guys who have, I can honestly say it can be a lot of fun and I definitely don't regret it, but it's also not everything. There have to be other things you derive fulfilment from, otherwise life starts to feel meaningless.

And getting laid didn't fix all my virgin friend's problems either. There's still a deep sadness in him for all the wasted time spent feeling lonely and worthless. And being in his mid 40's now, he didn't get to have a crazy promiscuous phase in his 20's like many people do.

I'll finish with a reminder that time is precious. I truly believe if something is causing you pain, you should move heaven and earth to fix it, if possible, before it's too late. You won't get the time back.
 

Takeoff

Member
Honestly I'd rather lose virginity later than I did, if it meant I would be then able to have successful sex. I lost my virginity at 16 but at the time I was completely desensitized and still in a full-blown pornography addiction which caused PIED. It was what made me realize that pornography is not sex-positive.
However, I understand how it's like from your perspective...
 

BalthazarPL

Member
I think that this idea to start looking for escort can easly leads to adding another addiction 😞 Maybe DEO just want to meet his soulmate, going on dates number 1,2,3 with the same girl and finally being in relationship with her.



I read all the posts in your jurney and it's like reading about myself and probably many people feel the same. DEO doing better and better from asking girl to hangout with him to be on dates/dancing with girl/kissing with girl. This whole situation with pandemic only slow down this. But now probably will be better and I have hope to read about this, how did you meet your girlfriend.



I'm 29 years old virgin who is lost in life. Many times, men think like I'm the only one in this situation but it's not true. There is a lot of people in almost exactly same place in life who truggle to make their life better.

Sorry if I made mistake, English is my second language.
 

Takeoff

Member
Porn does become an addiction. But visit to the girl in the clubs it´s not adiction my friend.
bullshit, anything can become an addiction. seems like you're trying to deny it just to push your idea further.
what you just said is a paraphrase from what most people say about pornography addiction.
"ye sure heroin becomes an addiction, but visiting pornhub is not an addiction my friend"
 

Takeoff

Member
What I do not agree with at all with you and with many is to think that sex with any type of woman can become an addiction.
I don't see a point in disagreeing with facts - see the links down below.
Remember that we must respect the other's opinion in this forum, so I ask you to please respect that.
We are here to prevent the use of pornography only.
This is a forum for porn addicts only.

Are you addicted to drugs?
I don't like when people seem to be trolling, and you've just posted the same sentence about sex addiction not being a real thing but rewritten a bit 3 times in 2 separate posts. Same case with the shit about the forum being for discussing pornography addiction ONLY, nothing else!!
Okay, why the fuck do you write about escorts then? Why do you write about anything else than pornography?
Nobody was even talking about 'conventional' drug addiction itself, rather about the ways it's connected to the pornography addiction.
I really don't know if you're delusional or a simple, unfunny troll.
And who are you to tell fellow forum users what they can discuss and what they can not?
I'm convinced most people do not like it when someone comes thinking he's above everybody else.

BUT HAVING SEX WITH A WOMAN WILL NEVER BE AN ADDICTION. THAT'S ABSURD.
At this point I'm almost convinced this is trolling, but okay - ever heard the terms 'hypersexuality' and 'sex addiction'?
We must respect women, and we must not consider them as an addiction or something like that. Women are human beings, sensitive, worthy of love, human beings who, regardless of what they work for, deserve respect and love. If a woman is an escort or a housewife, she deserves to be respected and valued.
I don't think you understood anything from the stuff you (probably didn't) read.
Sorry, but I do not believe you're being serious.
The shit you post here is absurd.


I'm sorry for this wall of off-topic text, dear OP. But I had to clarify all this.

PS. Please, don't quote or mention me. I've clarified what I needed to clarify and I don't personally see a point in talking to someone I consider a troll. Thanks.
 
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dylank

Member
Much strength to all you guys. I think it must be very hard to get so depressed and it's maybe really a downward spiral of bad luck that gives you bad thoughts about yourself which brings you more bad luck and so on. Ofcourse, normal women will search for mentally stable, strong and fun guys to be around. It is very hard to act like one when you are not, however, you can try to fake it till you make it. Not really someone to give advice, but I would:
-have a daily schedule (preferrably work, or community service or just helping somewhere) so you get some sense of belonging and maybe even meeting and connecting to people.
- do physical workout, preferrably with a training program so you see some results (this will give you huge selfesteem, and makes you look better, and you will have a nice topic to talk about and connect over.
- last, quit the porn and use the time to clean yourself and the house. Shave, dress up and lastly:
- get to every social meeting you can. Just talk to them, man, doesnt matter what about or what they think of you, just connect, show interest, be nice!
- dont go to the prozzies, for some i can get the poison out, but for others it will give you even more negative thought about yourself

peace
 
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