New guy wanting to change for good

[iektop]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this site. I've been registered for a while now, but honestly I hadn't had the courage to post something or talk about my situation so what I've been doing is reading posts here  - to test waters - and see if it was a good idea to participate.

Needless to say I'm a porn addict. I've been masturbating to porn for 3 years now and I hate it. The worst part is that I've been meaning to change this situation but I always relapse.

Why I started masturbating I don't remember, but now I do it very often.  Actually, I lost my virginity with my girlfriend and I hadn't masturbated once, I swear. I just never saw the big deal of doing it and actually considered it a sign of weakness - mental weakness -. Well, I guess I just have to swallow my own bitter words because now I've become what I've criticized so strongly in the past: an addict.

The greatest period of time in which I didn't masturbate by choice was 11 days and that was about 6 months ago, and now I'm struggling to reach a whole week when I say I won't masturbate until I relapse again.  I'm starting to hate myself for it and I don't like the feeling :'(

I remember being reduced to tears and blaming myself for being so stupid in the past after breaking my promises of not masturbating to porn ever again.

I want to do sooo many things, and when I think of all the time wasted, of all the hours in fron of the screen of my laptop, I just feel horrible.

It's taking a lot of courage for me to write this - and I could say a lot more but I don't want to make this any longer for you all to read - but I really need help. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I don't want to masturbate to porn ever again. 

Thanks for paying attention.

btw, English is not my native language - Spanish is - , so if there's something you don't understand in my writing just let me know.

Thanks again. bye.

 

[d2222]

First, I would have never known that English is your second language. You write very well. Second, so much of what you're saying applies to all of us, and definitely to me. I had the hardest time just admitting to myself that I was an addict, and a porn addict nonetheless, but after joining this forum, I realize that there are sooooo many guys suffering from this problem, and with the internet becoming increasingly essential to our lives, I think it's only going to get worse.

I've done the same thing you have, where I get finished, tell myself it won't happen again, then go right back to old habits. Toward the end, I would still promise myself I would stop, but I didn't even believe myself when I was saying it, and what really scared me is that part of me started not to care.

I want to do sooo many things, and when I think of all the time wasted, of all the hours in fron of the screen of my laptop, I just feel horrible.

This is so true. I couldn't even begin to add the hours I'll never get back. I've only been "sober" for three days, and I already feel like each moment is so much better.

Keep reading and posting. It really makes this process so much easier to bear.

Best of luck!

 

[Partingglass]

Keep it up man, Sounds like you know what you are doing, you just have to go out there an do it now. Post on the forum helps me a ton personally. every time I get an urge I just come to the forum and read and post, it quells the urge almost every time. you can do this man!

 

[HowElse]

Good job at making this decision. The first two weeks were the hardest for me, it really tests your resolve and I kept asking myself if it's worth it. Even if you relapse the practice is really helpful, it makes everything much easier and one day you'll get to that point where you start seeing results and you'll wonder why you ever doubted it

 

[iektop]

Thanks Partingglass.

I'm taking this forum as a kind of social circle where I come when I'm feeling like talking or getting motivated by the stories of other people. This PMO thing is no joke man. Today is my first day 'sober' and I feel good. When I reach my first whole week, I'll feel awesome!

Greetings and thanks for the support

 

[iektop]

Hello HowElse,

You're right. This is one of the most important things I've ever decided to do. And I understand when you say

The first two weeks were the hardest for me, it really tests your resolve and I kept asking myself if it's worth it.

I realize what kept me falling back on the old PMO thing in the past wasn't lack of willpower or something. It was just that in the beggining things get tough and cravings are soooo hard to control that you just do it - no matter how much you try to logic yourself into not doing it - and feel sooo much worse when you're done.

Now I'm seriously done with this. I'm sick of feeling like I have no power over this when actually I do. I just need to do the right things and that's it.

Thanks for the support man and good luck.