Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

zander13

Respected Member
Day 148

Feeling much better today. What's confusing about this fact is that I don't know if I should attribute my good mood to lithium or to the fact that my flatline is over. I have no idea who is to blame for my depressions if I'm being honest. If any of you could share your own stories of flatlines I'd be glad to compare. Do they send you into depressions? Are your moods constantly fluctuating? Do you feel bipolar (in a way)?

In essence, I'd like to know your guys's experiences with flatlines and depressions and all that fun stuff.

Thanks,

Zander
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Good to see you back around and at such an advanced streak! Keep going!  :)

zander13 said:
Are your moods constantly fluctuating? Do you feel bipolar (in a way)?

I suffer from short and heavy mood swings that return at certain patterns throughout reboot (and therefore are definitely reboot related), but I never advanced as many days as you did.

It might take more than 5 months to recover from flatlines (Gabe Deem mentioned almost a year, if I remember correctly), so don't worry but keep going! While porn might not be the only source for feeling bad, it definitely worsens everything and you've come incredibly far already!
 

Jones

Active Member
Hey. Im like 240 something days in and still in a flatline i experience depression,anxiety,brain fog (heavy) i literally forget something you asked me to do in like 3 minutes, mood swing,panick attack,random outbursts etc (i can say ive experience all the symtoms heavily) and the fucked up thing about it they all hit at the same time. Since i pass the 4 month mark they pretty much ease alot. The mood swing is bad tbh but my panic attack(s) lasted 2 weeks which has been the worst 2 weeks of my life. It literally would start at 1 pm when i was at 4 months and it made me cried everytime it happens you literally feel next to death and get scared for no reason it makes you feel like youre on the wrong planet bro its brings self disgust etc,i even mentioned it to my mom because i thought i would die so before that happened atleast they'd have an idea what killed me... I seriously think that man. Im glad that shit stopped i used to get drunk and high at the same time to forget that shit still in a deep flatline though,since lately ive been having alot of sexual dreams with me and other girls so idk if it will give me a fucking break now for God sake. Ive even tried rewiring by forcing myself to have sex last month and i was desensitized tbh but still manage to last like 15 mins. I am open to get answers and give them so all the guys in a flatline dont just read and not say anything.
 

zander13

Respected Member
Jones said:
Hey. Im like 240 something days in and still in a flatline i experience depression,anxiety,brain fog (heavy) i literally forget something you asked me to do in like 3 minutes, mood swing,panick attack,random outbursts etc (i can say ive experience all the symtoms heavily) and the fucked up thing about it they all hit at the same time. Since i pass the 4 month mark they pretty much ease alot. The mood swing is bad tbh but my panic attack(s) lasted 2 weeks which has been the worst 2 weeks of my life. It literally would start at 1 pm when i was at 4 months and it made me cried everytime it happens you literally feel next to death and get scared for no reason it makes you feel like youre on the wrong planet bro its brings self disgust etc,i even mentioned it to my mom because i thought i would die so before that happened atleast they'd have an idea what killed me... I seriously think that man. Im glad that shit stopped i used to get drunk and high at the same time to forget that shit still in a deep flatline though,since lately ive been having alot of sexual dreams with me and other girls so idk if it will give me a fucking break now for God sake. Ive even tried rewiring by forcing myself to have sex last month and i was desensitized tbh but still manage to last like 15 mins. I am open to get answers and give them so all the guys in a flatline dont just read and not say anything.

Damn man. That sounds tough as hell. Have you ever considered whether or not it's a mental illness that's causing the suffering? I'm currently in a residential healing facility for folks with mental health issues, initially believing that I was going here to sort out my addiction and depression, since life was seeming to be unlivable, at least in a productive sense. They, recently, diagnosed me with Bipolar II, rapid cycling, and I'm taking lithium. I'm pretty sure that they are correct about the diagnosis, but there is still a part of me that believes porn is to blame more than anything. Can this addiction really cause this much damage to one's mental health?
 

zander13

Respected Member
Pete McVries said:
zander13 said:
Can this addiction really cause this much damage to one's mental health?

I can only speak for myself: I was heavily depressed (clinically diagnosed) for three years and I took different meds which all didn't work but make me sluggish and want to sleep 24h a day. When I started rebooting, I instantly hit a flatline that ended after 26 days with a wet dream. The day after, it was like someone had turned on the light switch in my head. I could feel my emotions again, I wanted to be social and reach out to people again, in short, I felt alive again. In the beginning, I even shed a tear a few times. Not because I was sad but because of the feeling of joy. It was super weird but at the same time felt great because being depressed (for me) feels like being dead inside. I was suicidal for a long time not because I wanted to die (I was scared shitless of it) but because I simply didn't want to exist anymore. So after the end of the flatline, my depression was cured. Simple as that. I know, it sounds totally unbelievable, but I haven't been depressed for a single day ever since. I even stopped taking my meds and I didn't notice any (negative) changes. About 10 months ago, I stopped taking my meds by accidend because I ran out off them over the weekend and I couldn't sleep for three days straight even though I was tired as hell. It was horrible. So I had to take them again. Now, I sleep like a baby and only need a few hours of sleep. It's mind-boggling. It helps my motivation to stay clean so much. In the beginning I rebooted to get rid of my PIED but now I'm really afraid to get depressed again when I start PMOing. There is a lot at stake for me.

Every person is different though. And most problems are multifactorial. So, your condition might not be caused by PMO but PMO might affect your state negatively. Do the doctors at the facility you are at know about your addiction?

Take care!

First of all, thanks for replying man. Good to hear from you, and it's always nice to read someone else's story--makes me feel a little less alone.

But yes, the people at the facility do in fact know about my addiction. When I first arrived, I told them that I had this addiction coupled with depression.

I think that you are correct, in regards to the idea of PMO withdrawals exacerbating something that is a little more permanent. I'm definitely going to stay on the lithium because I, like you, am afraid of depression. I would argue that it is a different kind of depression than the ones I get from PMO withdrawals (which are terrible in their own right). The bipolar depression (or whatever the fuck it is) is more existential in nature. It becomes more about living and dying, to be honest. I don't obsess about suicide or anything like that, but I do believe that there is a part of me that is fascinated by death, and that the only reason I don't think about suicide is because I block that part of myself, as if I were shielding my innocence.

Sorry for getting too deep, but this is very important for me right now. I want to have absolute faith that I have bi polar, because lithium is no joke.

But thanks for your reply my friend, and happy 4th!
 

zander13

Respected Member
Day 152

I'm really liking being a part of this community. It has, for the two or so years that I've been coming to this site, never been this connected and supportive. It actually feels like a community of sorts, and that is truly a wonderful feeling. This is exactly what all of us need right now.

When it comes to my addiction, today has been pretty brutal. The withdrawals hit at around ten or eleven in the morning, and they stayed until about seven thirty. But that's par for the course. I'm in it until the end. I don't give a shit about how long it takes. I'm all about the finish line, and the road after the finish line. Who gives a fuck if it takes another four months. Which it might, though I do believe that I'm through the worst of it.

Keep trucking my friends, this fight is key to anyone's well being.

Happy 4th!
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
zander13 said:
When it comes to my addiction, today has been pretty brutal. The withdrawals hit at around ten or eleven in the morning, and they stayed until about seven thirty. But that's par for the course. I'm in it until the end. I don't give a shit about how long it takes. I'm all about the finish line, and the road after the finish line. Who gives a fuck if it takes another four months. Which it might, though I do believe that I'm through the worst of it.

You already put in that much effort that there's no turning back, just keep going and never doubt being on the right track. Those self doubts are your addicted brain screaming for its high, just ignore cravings and go the last steps, however many there might be left. It's inspiring to see someone actually made it five months clean, I never did and feel encouraged by your example!
 

zander13

Respected Member
Day 154

Still struggling with my bipolar diagnosis and the subsequent lithium prescription. I'm scared that I'm being over medicated, and that withdrawals and depression are the culprits behind my moodiness, as opposed to full blown bipolar 2.

Fuck man, I just want my creativity back. I want to be able to write a story just by sitting down and typing. I used to have so much confidence in my ability to make shit up on the fly, and now I feel as if porn and mental illness have taken it away. It's either that or I've grown less creative as I've aged, which I don't think is true, seeing as how my best stories were written when I was ~25 years old.

In the end, I have to trust that God is at work, and that there is meaning behind all of this suffering and difficulty. I imagine that, one day, in the not so distant future, I'll lean back in my computer chair in ecstasy, knowing that I'd recently written something of value.

Anyways, I had a couple withdrawal periods the last couple days, but today, so far, has been fine. My dick is hanging as a normal dick should be, and I'm not feeling any phantom tugging sensations, or shriveled balls. MY head also seems to be clear, leaving the lithium to be the lone transgressor.

Good luck to everyone as usual. It's nice to be able to journal like this--it really helps me understand what I'm thinking and feeling.
 

zander13

Respected Member
Day 157

Still obsessing about my diagnosis, and about writing, and about what in the fuck I'm meant to do in this cold, lonesome world. For the longest time I've believed that I want to be a writer, but I'm no longer as convinced that fate or destiny have anything to do with anything. Maybe it's all just a bunch of random bullshit. Life, that is.

The good part about all this is that I'm 157 days free of porn, and I don't plan on relapsing any time soon. I'm, for sure, through the worst of the withdrawals. And the lithium I'm on has made it easy to avoid porn. Perhaps it is exactly what I needed.

God bless everyone struggling and everyone who is doing well. Porn is no joke, though I fear that my mental illness has, all along, been the mastermind behind my suffering.
 
L

Lero

Guest
Let's look at the great thing first: You've been away from P for so long. This is outstanding progress. It wasn't easy so consider it an achievement.

Now, about life... I like to look at it this way: If you are a true seeker of the truth, you will find it. Your truth. The truth in your life. Nobody else could tell you what this is, but only you. Your piece of mind.

For some people it's not that easy to have a clear picture of how their life should be, what's their vocation etc. For sure I had no idea about those for years and I still don't but I guess luck plays a part too because I found a pretty good job in a field where I had never considered working in. I had to change my profession for this. Someone once told me: "You get what you believe in. If you believe you are unlucky, you won't be lucky." Some people are lost, like I was and still am to some degree. I'm still looking for the truth in my life. I hope one day I'll find it and I could say: "This is who I am." "Who you are?" is a great question and many people don't know how to answer it. For sure I wasn't one who could answer this right away and I'm still looking for the rest of the answer.

I used to hate those people who knew what to do so early but it's not a good attitude to have. Everybody is different. Some people are obsessed with how to be successful. "What should I do to make a lot of money? Look at that guy! He is rich now. He found what he had to do so early and made a lot of money. But what about me? How do I do this?" But, the idea is: I don't know how to make a lot of money, I don't have ideas, I'm not that type of guy. All I know what to do for now is go to work, get that salary and that's all I have. Accepting this will spare me a lot of depression and desperation.

A lot of people ask themselves a lot of questions. I was like that. "Why is my life the way it is? Why can't I find a better way to make money? Because I hate what I chose to do. I hate those fucking jobs!" A lot of "Whys". I've been bothered by existential questions my whole life. But I feel like recently some things started to make sense, so I guess I'm on the right road of finding my answers. You only find answers if you ask questions.

I suffered and still suffer to some degree from "mental problems" let's call them. I suffered from a hardcore depression for about 7-8 years and I still suffer from it although it got a lot better in the last three years (around the time when I started to find some answers for my questions). Also, I've been suffering from high social and general anxiety (with panic attacks) since I was about 18 years old. I'm not bipolar like you but I know what it means to fight anxiety and depression, which are a big pain. I was put on medication, I got addicted to it, I quit it cold turkey and suffered withdrawal. I abused PMO for years (as self-medication). I used to ask myself why I had to go through all this. "I don't deserve it! I am a good person. I am not a scumbag like other people so why am I given this shit?" And it's only now when some things started to make sense after I started working on my spirituality. I won't get into details here, I won't stress out anybody about religion if they don't want to hear. But it was only like this that things started moving a little bit for me. It takes time though.

Find your truth, that's all I could tell you for now. Anyway, man, I didn't mean to write a philosophy book here. It got long before I knew. I don't know if everything I said has something to do with your situation but anyway, I am with you, man, because I know how you feel. 

 

zander13

Respected Member
Day 158

Lero--Thanks for the post man. Great to hear your story and your take on things. Spirituality is a weird thing for me right now though.


Funny how I just got through saying how I was through the worst of the withdrawals, because last night and today have been hellish. I slept maybe 3 or 4 hours total due to the withdrawals, and they haven't let up since I woke up. My dick and balls have been shriveled all fucking day, and I haven't been able to get a lick of rest. Fuck this noise man.

Sometimes I feel as if I should just give up on everything. Life hasn't really been that fun for me lately. I really hope that things start to turn around soon.

Zander
 

zander13

Respected Member
Day 161

Still in shrunken balls phase, but I think that the lithium is really starting to kick in, which would be just tremendous. The true test will come when I don't have any sort of withdrawals symptoms, because that is when the depressions usually come in the hardest (since there is nothing there to cover them up). Porn has most definitely been useful to me in the sense that it has been my most often used anti depressant. Good old fashioned porn. The good stuff. Best SSRI on the market (fuck no).

I like to keep telling myself that I've been through the worst of it, and I still think that's true. I just need to ensure that I stay on my toes when it comes to relapse. I've come too far to fuck it up. It's so unbelievably not worth it. It's grime. Dirty, slimy bullshit.

Peace out fellas.
 

zander13

Respected Member
Day 162

I've been posting a lot lately, but that's because I've been going through some withdrawals that have been fucking brutal. I just got out of a three day series of shrunken balls and heightened anxiety/depression. I feel pretty damn good right now, but fuck was that brutal. Maybe I'm coming out of a flatline, who knows. The key to beating this addiction is to not let my reactions ruin me. And what I mean by that is I cannot let my perceptions fuck with my emotions. If I believe, from the bottom of my heart, that the withdrawals should be over by now, or that life is unfair, and God is a prick, and all that other spiral-y bullshit that I tend to think, then I'm going to throw myself into a worse state than before. And trust me folks, I'm as guilty of this as anyone. But I have been working on it lately. Meditation helps a lot. Self awareness is the key here. Become completely aware of what's going on in my mind and I'll be right as rain. Look inward, never outward. I've found that when I start looking outward a lot, that means that my inner domain is full of turmoil. I'm looking outward because my present state of existence is not where it should be. THIS IS HUGE. Because porn is an outward act. As is future-tripping and directing your self-loathing at others (something I do constantly).

In essence, I believe that we need to fix the sit inside of us rather than focusing on what's outside. We need to become aware of our emotions, our pain, our hopes and dreams.

Anyways, I'm done for today. I'm grateful that I've emerged from the pit of flatline despair. Time to improve myself even more.
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
I'm really impressed how you keep going despite heavy withdrawals. As I never made it as far as you I can't give any useful advice, but whatever happens, we both know porn is the worse option! Keep walking, you have put in so much effort yet and will make it!
 
L

Lero

Guest
Zander, that's outstanding, man! You could've relapsed but you didn't. This is huge. You know, it actually makes sense if you look at it this way: "It's my brain, not me." It's not what we want to do, it's this addicted brain that is in pain and asks for the fix. But fuck it. We don't have to obey this. We look at it happening but we don't have to do anything.
 

BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
Great progress, man! I definitely feel like this becomes more of a mind game the longer you go. Early on, it's like me vs. the urges of my body. Later, though, it turns more into something like checking my thoughts and talking myself through weird attitudes/feelings. It's a different sort of experience after a few months for sure.

Meditation really is a huge help, and I'm glad you got through this round of anxiety/depression/flatline.

Keep on working on the internal stuff, and I will too!
 
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