Let's look at the great thing first: You've been away from P for so long. This is outstanding progress. It wasn't easy so consider it an achievement.
Now, about life... I like to look at it this way: If you are a true seeker of the truth, you will find it. Your truth. The truth in your life. Nobody else could tell you what this is, but only you. Your piece of mind.
For some people it's not that easy to have a clear picture of how their life should be, what's their vocation etc. For sure I had no idea about those for years and I still don't but I guess luck plays a part too because I found a pretty good job in a field where I had never considered working in. I had to change my profession for this. Someone once told me: "You get what you believe in. If you believe you are unlucky, you won't be lucky." Some people are lost, like I was and still am to some degree. I'm still looking for the truth in my life. I hope one day I'll find it and I could say: "This is who I am." "Who you are?" is a great question and many people don't know how to answer it. For sure I wasn't one who could answer this right away and I'm still looking for the rest of the answer.
I used to hate those people who knew what to do so early but it's not a good attitude to have. Everybody is different. Some people are obsessed with how to be successful. "What should I do to make a lot of money? Look at that guy! He is rich now. He found what he had to do so early and made a lot of money. But what about me? How do I do this?" But, the idea is: I don't know how to make a lot of money, I don't have ideas, I'm not that type of guy. All I know what to do for now is go to work, get that salary and that's all I have. Accepting this will spare me a lot of depression and desperation.
A lot of people ask themselves a lot of questions. I was like that. "Why is my life the way it is? Why can't I find a better way to make money? Because I hate what I chose to do. I hate those fucking jobs!" A lot of "Whys". I've been bothered by existential questions my whole life. But I feel like recently some things started to make sense, so I guess I'm on the right road of finding my answers. You only find answers if you ask questions.
I suffered and still suffer to some degree from "mental problems" let's call them. I suffered from a hardcore depression for about 7-8 years and I still suffer from it although it got a lot better in the last three years (around the time when I started to find some answers for my questions). Also, I've been suffering from high social and general anxiety (with panic attacks) since I was about 18 years old. I'm not bipolar like you but I know what it means to fight anxiety and depression, which are a big pain. I was put on medication, I got addicted to it, I quit it cold turkey and suffered withdrawal. I abused PMO for years (as self-medication). I used to ask myself why I had to go through all this. "I don't deserve it! I am a good person. I am not a scumbag like other people so why am I given this shit?" And it's only now when some things started to make sense after I started working on my spirituality. I won't get into details here, I won't stress out anybody about religion if they don't want to hear. But it was only like this that things started moving a little bit for me. It takes time though.
Find your truth, that's all I could tell you for now. Anyway, man, I didn't mean to write a philosophy book here. It got long before I knew. I don't know if everything I said has something to do with your situation but anyway, I am with you, man, because I know how you feel.
