Another day another dollar. I'm in the midst of one of my "bad days", but the funny thing about it that I don't really feel that bad. I know as the day goes on it will get worse (I think as a result of my relapses occurring at night), but compared to when I first began this final streak, my bad days aren't that bad. They really aren't. I think meditation has a lot to do with that. Meditation has been the biggest factor in my success. Scientifically, it strengthens my frontal lobes. Ephemerally, it helps me be keenly aware of my thoughts, moods, and emotions. It allows me to observe my mind from a third party perspective. Without getting too into spirituality, the idea of meditation and mindfulness has given me the gift of awareness. True awareness. I see things for what they are. Ego is ego, withdrawals are withdrawals, emotions are emotions. It all passes eventually, no mood or thought or sadness lasts forever.
I never want to get too cocky or arrogant about this addiction, because I know how powerful it is. It's better left alone--ignored. Instead of focusing on fantasies or past scenes (which rarely occur anymore), I take some deep breaths and center myself on my breath. Then I do my best to steer my head away from porn. I acknowledge it and do my best to move on. I ignore any movie or show that contains explicit material and if I do happen to come upon pornographic scenes, I either fast forward the program or turn it off immediately. It's that simple. I advise anyone struggling with this problem to think about using this method. It's all about the little things. There is no grand gesture involved when it comes to beating this addiction. It always comes down to the little things, the minor moments. Sometimes a little luck, too. This shit is so fucking powerful that even if I felt like I've done everything right, down to the last percent of a percent, I'd still, in the beginning of my reboot, feel urges so powerful that I thought I'd lose for sure. And as we all know, one loss usually equals a few others. The hardest part about getting back on the horse is getting back on the horse. But it must be done.
I've rambled and I've preached. But it helped me to read other people's successes, so I want to pass as much information along as I can. If I didn't know that other people had successfully conquered this addiction before me, I would have had a ridiculously difficult time beating it myself. Not saying that I've beaten it, I don't think I'll ever say that (I have too much respect for it's potency and persuasiveness), but yeah. Hearing about methods of success and examples of success was good for me.
On a more statistical level, I have MW almost every day of the week now. I think I've begun to tap into all of the headway I made last year (~230 days clean), which goes to show that relapses don't set you back all the way. I remember that before my relapse, I could get hard to touch alone. I'm starting to get back to that state again. Feels really good to have movement down there. It really does.
One final thing I want to add is that if we addicts want to beat this thing, we can't live life like everyone else. We can't be on snapchat, or instagram, or facebook. I mean I guess you can, but why risk it? I'd find it near impossible to beat this problem if I saw bikini shots on the regular. The internet has given us great gifts as a human race, but it has also brought on a tremendous amount of evil. Addictions are just a click away. They live in your pocket. It's our jobs to safeguard ourselves against all of the smut that lives on the web. Advertisers know how to get guy's attention, it's no secret that on any given webpage you're going to see something sexual. It's bullshit but that's capitalism for you. Doing what it takes to win the almighty dollar. I'd say it's a shitty way to run a country, but the alternatives seem even worse. Anyways, I don't want to get into politics.
Sorry for rambling, I guess I have a lot on my mind. It's going to take a while for me to psychologically recover from this addiction. It's one thing to recover erections and zest for life, it's another to get over the amount of time wasted, pain endured, and shame internalized.
The best part about beating this thing is being able to be proud of yourself. I firmly believe that. When it comes down to it, the addiction will always be a gigantic, threatening, killing machine. We just need to get big enough to defeat it. The addiction doesn't shrink, we just grow bigger than it.
Peace. And good luck to all. I truly hope everyone beats the fuck out of this no good trash.