Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

zander13

Respected Member
djh590 said:
hey man congrats on your on your 112 days thats a big deal especially in your case.  Its almost impossible for people not afflicted with this terrible addiction to know what we are going through.  It takes a real strong person to make it as far as you have man.
Stay strong, we will overcome this!

Thanks chief. Good luck to you too man, thanks for reaching out. I wish you all the best!
 

zander13

Respected Member
Guys check this out:

https://www1.cbn.com/cbnnews/entertainment/2017/may/chris-rock-joins-hollywood-a-listers-getting-real-about-porn-and-its-damaging-effects

Maybe news is finally starting to spread. Sad that it takes "stars" for it to garner attention, but a win is a win.
 

chiefmitch88

Active Member
I've been saying this a lot lately but give some thought to reading some books dedicated to self help. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle has been huge for me and I haven't even finished it yet. Also, Breaking the Cycle was important for me when I first got my foot in the rebooting door.

I'm also a big believer in exercise, meditation (I prefer guided meditation at the moment because my mind is noisy most days), yoga, and creative endeavors. Yoga is especially helpful in my recovery. Besides that it can be a good social outlet with no social commitment. Talk with people after class if you feel like it, grab your mat and run if you don't.

Find things that work for you and try to bring mindfulness into everything you do.

Good luck, I'll keep rooting for you. Awesome job so far!
 

zander13

Respected Member
Day 114

Out of yet another flatline. Had morning wood two days in a row and feel almost completely in tune with life/my personality/sexuality. Starting to really get back to my old self. I want to remember this moment so that the next time I go through a 7 day flatline I?ll know that there is a light at the end. Our brains are very good at making us think otherwise during times of flatlines/cravings.

One massive observation about rebooting in general: the reboot is harder than the addiction. You get worse before you get better. As an addict I could make it through life, work, marginally succeed in school. But while rebooting, there have been times when I felt like the world was caving in. A lot of times. And I?m still not done. So keep in mind, if you have a severe addiction you will experience some shit times while rebooting. But you?ll also have times when you feel like you did as a young kid. And you?ll have no more shame, guilt, anxiety, and darkness in your soul. You?ll struggle mentally but feel increasingly better fundamentally. It?s weird but I can?t describe it any other way. You really have to EARN the pride that comes with abstaining. And, though I can?t speak from experience, this will all gradually fade to a whimper, and we will no longer have to worry about ED or anxiety or any of the other crap that comes with a reboot. It will never disappear fully, but I can?t see a reason why we can?t all end up like a Gabe deem.

Stay vigilant friends. Never let our guards down.
 

zander13

Respected Member
I had a recent stint with medications that put me in a funk of sorts. I'm on antidepressants (450mg of Wellbutrin), and yesterday I forgot to take the last 150mg of the total 450mg. For those of us who know how antidepressants work, especially what happens when you miss a day, you know how shitty that is. I was feeling downright catastrophic. And then I realized two things at once. One: that I'd forgotten to take one of my pills --and-- Two: Because I was so neurochemically down in the dumps, I was craving porn for the majority of the day. Which was a huge insight for me. This depression is at the root of the addiction. I must've started compulsively using because of the imbalance in my brain. This might sound like common sense, but it's one of those conclusions that you have to come to on your own. Reading it or hearing it just isn't enough. I have to live it.

I feel encouraged that as long as I do the things that are required to deal with my depression, this addiction will be more easily managed. Those were the strongest cravings I've felt in a long time, and they were directly correlated to my low levels of dopamine (Wellbutrin is a dopamine uptake drug). Since I've already had so many streaks, several of them being 90 days or longer, I am really starting to think that I'm closer to the finish line of rebooting than I initially thought. All the hard work I've already put in was not totally in vain.

Now I know that there is never a true "finish line", but I feel encouraged that I'm over the biggest hill, so to speak. Good days will continue to get better, bad days will lose their bite, and, hopefully, I'll get my creativity back in full force. I can't wait to start writing every day again. Or drawing. Or just being clever in simple conversations. Once I get those traits back, and on a consistent basis, then I'll know that I'm "factory reset", or close to the point I was at before all of the porn I've watched was downloaded into my brain. It'll be like a computer without the virus (or at least that's my hope). My ultimate goal is to meet the kid that I was before all this happened. The kid who read compulsively, who approached the world with wonder, and who loved people unconditionally, and wasn't afraid to be who he was.

Sappy stuff, I know, but now is the time for me to be sentimental. These are momentous times in my life, the kind that will heavily impact my future.

Good luck to everyone who's struggling. I know how hard it sucks
 

KW1989KW

Active Member
Nice work on persevering through those urges and coming out of it clean. Takes guts and discipline to do that and you've proved it. Keep up the hard work man. You're doing great!

ImOnMyWay
 

zander13

Respected Member
Thanks buddy.

Day 117

My Wellbutrin is now having adverse effects. I got used to the 150, got used to the 300, and now am used to 450mg. It?s like PMO-what once helped me treat my depression has now turned against me. Going through a rough time right now. Mental illness is no joke man. It?s brought me to my knees
 

zander13

Respected Member
Day 118

Spoke with my psych and have a plan moving forward. Going to go off antidepressants for a trial run to see where I?m at without any. If my mood starts to dip all I need to do is call the guy and he?ll send a 10mg script to my pharmacy right away. I already feel better after not taking 450 Wellbutrin but I have a long way to go. PMO wise I feel confident as ever. Boners through sensation on good days, which happen more frequently than bad ones. Only thing I have to fear are the occasional week long flatlines. I?m expecting one to arrive within the next 7 days but who knows. I?m in uncharted territory. If I can get my mental health figured out I?ll be firing on all cylinders. I just can?t wait to have some sex and write some decent stories. Maybe play some more soccer and basketball and go out more socially. I?m planning on returning to advertising school soon and finishing my portfolio in Chicago. If I have the confidence that I can be okay mentally that?s my plan for the future. A big city like that would be so fun for a younger guy like me who has rediscovered what an erection feels like. Don?t want to get too idealistic though...I still have some work to do.

Such are the ups and downs of addiction and mental health. Good luck to everyone, beat this fucking thing.
 

zander13

Respected Member
Day 120

4 months. Boners have been a major theme of the past several days, which is a miracle in and of itself. Also feeling good mood-wise since I stopped my medication, though I'll continually be on the lookout for a rebound depression. If so, I have a 10mg lexapro script locked and loaded. Feeling good about where I'm at right now. Might have a few more flatlines before the final curtain falls, but I truly believe that I'm over the hump. I've been through the worst of it. Now it's a matter of continuing to solidify good habits and to begin to build the life that I've always wanted. Step by step baby.

To be fair, I have good news today, but who really knows what tomorrow will bring.

Good luck to everyone, I see that a lot of new people have joined up. Good for you guys
 

whereismoxy

Member
congratulations zander!  i am very happy to hear that you made it out of the "fog" keep striving & updating us along the way. 

congrats!
 

zander13

Respected Member
chiefmitch--thanks man. Good luck to you!

121 days

Flatline rode in this morning. Going to watch it like a hawk. Pissed that it's here but happy that my brain has even more room to heal itself (hopefully that's what's taking place).
 

zander13

Respected Member
123 days

Already out of the flatline. Morning woods and erections to sensation. Need to stay strong because I'm feeling horny and am having trouble not testing myself for erections.
 
Zander, this is real inspiring. Seems like you're pretty close to being able to put it behind you. Keep strong, can't wait to be where you are.
 

matter15

Member
I am in your situation also, I have a really bad porn addiction, where my MO started since first grade, found a P comic in the middle of the road when i was about 8 - 10 kept it 24 years old right now living with parents because I am to depressed to even pursue a big boy job lol or whatever you wanna call it. basically I dont even wanna touch down there unless its for sex, which I have to use viagra for because PIED I do get horny alot but I do need physical stimulation for anything to start working, do you have this also? it sucks im on day 3 honestly i have that really bad back pain that I just want to go away also, and i don't sweat no matter what I don't know if that has to do with any of the hormonal imbalances that PMO has caused.

Im also taking these supplements:

LiverAid by Liver rite
DIM
DHEA
Multi vitamin
Fish Oil
Iron
Vitamin C
Mucana pruriens
ashwaghanda
magnesium

All in hopes of a speedy recovery, I also have really bad brain fog.
 

zander13

Respected Member
@fivestack

thanks man!

Day 126

Woke up with no MW, shrunken junk and brain fog. Hoping this one lasts only a day or a couple days at most. If not gunna have to roll with the punches. I'm very close man, I can taste it. The pendulum is having shorter swings, meaning that I go from one extreme to the other fairly quickly, as opposed to week long flatlines followed by weeklong horny days.

I will say that I have more good days than bad at this point, or at least in the last 30 days. My dick, even in a flatline, is close to being functional. On normal days I can get erections through sensation. My MW is still hit or miss, but the last one I had lasted the entire morning, I could feel it in my sleep. Days I have MW are usually my better days. There's nothing like waking up to a boner after spending so many years without it.

Still not finished though, my moods are very up and down and I'm still having some trouble sleeping. By six months I'm going to feel completely ready to take on the world. And just to clarify, though I live with my parents I've been a public accountant for 2 years and have had many jobs in between. Honestly, life did not become unmanageable until I started to reboot. Sadly, during a reboot, life get's worse before it get's better.

The way I would describe the journey (for the guys who started in their formative years) is this: we began to use porn to deal with emotions, which caused addiction. It started innocently enough, but then we began turning to it all the time. As we grew up it, without us knowing, became a crutch that helped us get through life. Life, though full of shame and anxiety, was manageable for a while. Hell, I made it all the way through a difficult college program while addicted. But, as I got into my early 20s, the addiction started to turn on me. It became more painful to jerk it than to not jerk it, if you know what I mean. No longer did I feel any sort of calm after I PMO'd. I went straight into low dopamine mode.

The first step was stopping. First 30 days were fine. I was my old self but without the shame of porn. I could be creative, talk to people, be my normal self for that first month. And then the flatline hits. Or withdrawals. Or whatever you want to call it. And you lose your personality and zest for life. You lose whatever smidgeon of your dick you had left too. And you feel pretty miserable. You feel like you don't know yourself, your body, or even your sexuality. It all seems to evaporate. You get depressed because of a lot of reasons. No dick, no personality, no natural drive. It's tough man. Most people fail at this point. They panic. I've been there. Life is tough during the 60-xxx mark.

But then, depending on a multitude of variables (when you started, how often you did it, what kind of vids, fetishes, death grip, anxiety-producing scenes) you'll begin to regain some of your old self back. The old self that you hadn't seen since you were a kid. But he doesn't come back all at once. He comes back in snippets. In old memories, glimpses of old emotions. You'll start getting some morning wood, a few night boners. You'll have days where you feel amazing, untouchable. And the roller coaster will continue on--high hills followed by low valleys. And each time you enter a hill, it's usually taller than the one before. And then, once you really start breaking away, the ride get's flatter. There aren't as many hills or valleys, because you're already so high up. And then--who the fuck knows. Because that's where I'm at right now. I'm assuming that everything will slowly smooth itself out. I'll no longer have to wake up and analyze my dick/mood/motivation. I'll just be able to be a normal person, with normal emotions and a normal dick. I'll, in essence, be like everyone else who isn't an addict. And that's all I want. I'll cherish that shit man. The one good thing that will come out of this massive problem of mine is the realization of how shitty life can really be, and how happy I should be just to know that I have a fair shake at life. that I'm able to experience all of the joys and wonders of the planet. And most of all, so that I can become intimate with a lady and have my own built-in support system. I'm tired of sleeping by myself man. It's fucking lonely.

Didn't plan on writing all of that but I guess I had some shit on my chest. This has been one wicked, terrible, weird, inspiring ride. I don't want to go through it again, but maybe one day I'll be thankful for having experienced it. Who the fuck knows. I just need to to continue to be vigilant and not let my newfound confidence get the best of me.

For those of you who believe yourselves to be the hard cases, know that there is some hope. It's taken me about two years of rebooting, with very few relapses throughout (5 or 6 days total of relapses maybe), to get to the point where I'm at right now. 2 fucking years. And I'm still not finished yet. But I'm close man. And I fucking deserve it. Fuck porn. It wrecked a huge chunk of my life. I will not let it get to me again. I fucking hate it. I cannot forget all the pain. I cannot forget the lost sleep, anxiety, shame, failed sexual attempts, loss of self-esteem, inability to make more friends, and about a million other things I probably missed out on because of porn. It's evil for a guy like me. Pure evil.
 

zander13

Respected Member
matter15 said:
I am in your situation also, I have a really bad porn addiction, where my MO started since first grade, found a P comic in the middle of the road when i was about 8 - 10 kept it 24 years old right now living with parents because I am to depressed to even pursue a big boy job lol or whatever you wanna call it. basically I dont even wanna touch down there unless its for sex, which I have to use viagra for because PIED I do get horny alot but I do need physical stimulation for anything to start working, do you have this also? it sucks im on day 3 honestly i have that really bad back pain that I just want to go away also, and i don't sweat no matter what I don't know if that has to do with any of the hormonal imbalances that PMO has caused.


Im also taking these supplements:

LiverAid by Liver rite
DIM
DHEA
Multi vitamin
Fish Oil
Iron
Vitamin C
Mucana pruriens
ashwaghanda
magnesium

All in hopes of a speedy recovery, I also have really bad brain fog.


Hey man. Thanks for the post. Brain fog is the fucking worst. Kills your mind.

What I suggest you do is read stuff. Read, read, read. Knowledge is power. distance yourself from the addiction and start treating it like diabetes or something.

Also, acknowledge how addicted you are, how uch it has affected your life, and begin treating it like I said before, as a disease. Cancer even. Because it's no too dissimilar. It'll wreck your life if you let it. Make rebooting your #1 priority and don't worry about anything else. Tell people about it. Get it off your chest. Took me 6 months to get to the point where I would tell someone about it, but the sooner the better.

The toughest part of this addiction is realizing how much of a grip it has on your life. Chances are, it dominates both your subconscious and your conscious minds. It has its claws in your brain. It's a fucker man, but people need to realize that if they're on this website that their lives have gotten to a pretty bad place. Realize the gravity of the situation and treat it like it's life or death. That's my number one advice.

Good luck man, I hope you and everyone else struggling beats this shit. It's robbing kids of their youth and no one in the world has the balls to talk about it except a few brave souls. Too bad it's such a taboo subject. It's like the perfect crime.
 

zander13

Respected Member
Day 130

Been in a flatline still. Hoping it ends soon. It's weird though, because I felt pretty receptive to life today and had about 8 hours of libido before it disappeared. This process is so non-linear that it's tough to decipher what's really going on. Only time will tell.

I know that I'm close though, I can feel it. I have good days all the time, and I get erections more than I ever have before in my adult life. I have random bursts of happiness that can last for days. So fucking close man. I'm going to roar like a lion when I get rid of my flatlines for good. Might not be for another 100 days or something, but I'm going to roar nonetheless. Beating this will be a huge fucking accomplishment, the biggest I've ever had. And the most meaningful, because without getting through this initial obstacle, I'll never be able to overcome any others. This addiction robs me of my true self. It rips my soul out. Truly. No bullshit. It steals my emotions, my self-esteem, everything. It's life and death. Difference between eyes that are open and eyes that are half shut. Fuck this bullshit. I'm ready to sync up with life for good and to leave PMO addiction in the fuckin dirt where it belongs.
 

KW1989KW

Active Member
Keep on trucking man. You're doing awesome! Flatlines are a real B****. I feel the same way as you and I'm a year in. I have really great days and some really down days, but we learn to deal with them without reaching for P like we once did. That in its self is an accomplishment. We need to keep telling our selves that.

Good luck brother,

ImOnMyWay
 

zander13

Respected Member
@iminmyway thanks man.

Day 131

Flatline will not go away. Sometimes I think that I?ll never fully recover from this nonsense. I hate it all with a passion.
 
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