@fivestack
thanks man!
Day 126
Woke up with no MW, shrunken junk and brain fog. Hoping this one lasts only a day or a couple days at most. If not gunna have to roll with the punches. I'm very close man, I can taste it. The pendulum is having shorter swings, meaning that I go from one extreme to the other fairly quickly, as opposed to week long flatlines followed by weeklong horny days.
I will say that I have more good days than bad at this point, or at least in the last 30 days. My dick, even in a flatline, is close to being functional. On normal days I can get erections through sensation. My MW is still hit or miss, but the last one I had lasted the entire morning, I could feel it in my sleep. Days I have MW are usually my better days. There's nothing like waking up to a boner after spending so many years without it.
Still not finished though, my moods are very up and down and I'm still having some trouble sleeping. By six months I'm going to feel completely ready to take on the world. And just to clarify, though I live with my parents I've been a public accountant for 2 years and have had many jobs in between. Honestly, life did not become unmanageable until I started to reboot. Sadly, during a reboot, life get's worse before it get's better.
The way I would describe the journey (for the guys who started in their formative years) is this: we began to use porn to deal with emotions, which caused addiction. It started innocently enough, but then we began turning to it all the time. As we grew up it, without us knowing, became a crutch that helped us get through life. Life, though full of shame and anxiety, was manageable for a while. Hell, I made it all the way through a difficult college program while addicted. But, as I got into my early 20s, the addiction started to turn on me. It became more painful to jerk it than to not jerk it, if you know what I mean. No longer did I feel any sort of calm after I PMO'd. I went straight into low dopamine mode.
The first step was stopping. First 30 days were fine. I was my old self but without the shame of porn. I could be creative, talk to people, be my normal self for that first month. And then the flatline hits. Or withdrawals. Or whatever you want to call it. And you lose your personality and zest for life. You lose whatever smidgeon of your dick you had left too. And you feel pretty miserable. You feel like you don't know yourself, your body, or even your sexuality. It all seems to evaporate. You get depressed because of a lot of reasons. No dick, no personality, no natural drive. It's tough man. Most people fail at this point. They panic. I've been there. Life is tough during the 60-xxx mark.
But then, depending on a multitude of variables (when you started, how often you did it, what kind of vids, fetishes, death grip, anxiety-producing scenes) you'll begin to regain some of your old self back. The old self that you hadn't seen since you were a kid. But he doesn't come back all at once. He comes back in snippets. In old memories, glimpses of old emotions. You'll start getting some morning wood, a few night boners. You'll have days where you feel amazing, untouchable. And the roller coaster will continue on--high hills followed by low valleys. And each time you enter a hill, it's usually taller than the one before. And then, once you really start breaking away, the ride get's flatter. There aren't as many hills or valleys, because you're already so high up. And then--who the fuck knows. Because that's where I'm at right now. I'm assuming that everything will slowly smooth itself out. I'll no longer have to wake up and analyze my dick/mood/motivation. I'll just be able to be a normal person, with normal emotions and a normal dick. I'll, in essence, be like everyone else who isn't an addict. And that's all I want. I'll cherish that shit man. The one good thing that will come out of this massive problem of mine is the realization of how shitty life can really be, and how happy I should be just to know that I have a fair shake at life. that I'm able to experience all of the joys and wonders of the planet. And most of all, so that I can become intimate with a lady and have my own built-in support system. I'm tired of sleeping by myself man. It's fucking lonely.
Didn't plan on writing all of that but I guess I had some shit on my chest. This has been one wicked, terrible, weird, inspiring ride. I don't want to go through it again, but maybe one day I'll be thankful for having experienced it. Who the fuck knows. I just need to to continue to be vigilant and not let my newfound confidence get the best of me.
For those of you who believe yourselves to be the hard cases, know that there is some hope. It's taken me about two years of rebooting, with very few relapses throughout (5 or 6 days total of relapses maybe), to get to the point where I'm at right now. 2 fucking years. And I'm still not finished yet. But I'm close man. And I fucking deserve it. Fuck porn. It wrecked a huge chunk of my life. I will not let it get to me again. I fucking hate it. I cannot forget all the pain. I cannot forget the lost sleep, anxiety, shame, failed sexual attempts, loss of self-esteem, inability to make more friends, and about a million other things I probably missed out on because of porn. It's evil for a guy like me. Pure evil.
