This is a very accurate description. I am waiting for the really brutal part of my reboot considering getting a month is becoming easier and easier, but I have binged a lot in the past and edged a lot. Edging being the absolute worst. I just hope I am strong enough for inevitable suffering that is gonna come from 4 years of heavy use. I hope you get better soon Zander.zander13 said:
Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
- Thread starter zander13
- Start date
zander13
Respected Member
@Gabe: Thanks for the shoutout man. I used to watch your Youtube vids when they first came out--they were part of the beginning of this process for me. You've done a lot of good for a lot of people. Thanks for all of it.
Btw friends--I'm 15 months today. That's kinda cool, though, if I'm being honest, it doesn't mean all that much to me. I just want to feel better. I've been in a rough patch for over a month now, and yeah, I'm ready for it to be over with.
Btw friends--I'm 15 months today. That's kinda cool, though, if I'm being honest, it doesn't mean all that much to me. I just want to feel better. I've been in a rough patch for over a month now, and yeah, I'm ready for it to be over with.
Hey zander,
since i have also some experience with long-time-rebooting and feeling shitty over a long period of time, i just wanted to give you something, that helps me a bit. Even though helping is maybe a little too strong of a word. It makes things sometimes a little more rearable. Anyway.
Try to find thoughts or memories that are keeping you hopeful. Sounds a little obvious i know. But in really difficult times, it helpes me to think about reasons or passed events, that are make it seem more likely, that things will get better. F. e. when i was worrying about VL or my bladder, i tried to think about reasons and events that are in favor of things getting better.
Even though i do not know your whole story, as far as i understood, there was a time before you relapsed, when you felt much better. That would be maybe one of those thoughts. As i said it sounds obvious, but when i feel really hopeless, it really helpes me a bit to reconnect with those thoughts.
Maybe that can help you a bit. Keep fighting your way back. There will be a way out.
since i have also some experience with long-time-rebooting and feeling shitty over a long period of time, i just wanted to give you something, that helps me a bit. Even though helping is maybe a little too strong of a word. It makes things sometimes a little more rearable. Anyway.
Try to find thoughts or memories that are keeping you hopeful. Sounds a little obvious i know. But in really difficult times, it helpes me to think about reasons or passed events, that are make it seem more likely, that things will get better. F. e. when i was worrying about VL or my bladder, i tried to think about reasons and events that are in favor of things getting better.
Even though i do not know your whole story, as far as i understood, there was a time before you relapsed, when you felt much better. That would be maybe one of those thoughts. As i said it sounds obvious, but when i feel really hopeless, it really helpes me a bit to reconnect with those thoughts.
Maybe that can help you a bit. Keep fighting your way back. There will be a way out.
I agree with Jeks!
Having started watching P at a young age, I've often dreaded that I will also take a long time to fully reboot, maybe 1 year to 2 years. Even typing that out made me really sad and unmotivated but there are always things to reminisce/think about when you're feeling down. I think / will think about my family, how my addiction has affected them, and the life I can live when this is all over. Because, this WILL be all over. We just need to get through the struggles to see the light
Having started watching P at a young age, I've often dreaded that I will also take a long time to fully reboot, maybe 1 year to 2 years. Even typing that out made me really sad and unmotivated but there are always things to reminisce/think about when you're feeling down. I think / will think about my family, how my addiction has affected them, and the life I can live when this is all over. Because, this WILL be all over. We just need to get through the struggles to see the light
zander13
Respected Member
Yeah there was a time when I was so fucking close to feeling normal. It was the first serious reboot I ever endured, and I was at ~210 days. That's all it took, back then, for me to feel pretty fucking good. It was magical. I still remember this one day I had so vividly. I was watching the movie Shutter Island, and I'd never felt more engrossed in a movie in my life. It was as if I was Leo Dicaprio experiencing the world that Martin Scorsese created. The weather, the atmosphere, the emotions. It's etched into my memory, and I oftentimes use that day as the evidence I need to prove that these withdrawals are what's causing my issues, and that they do eventually go away. I remember music sounding profound, and I was able to sleep like a wee little baby.
I think it's a lot easier to draw up positive memories/motivations/emotions when I'm feeling decent. But on those dark days, I have to go a little deeper to keep from doing anything stupid. It's more fear based, but it has worked thus far. I know that if I relapse I'll be forfeiting years and years of my life, and at the age of 29 that's no longer acceptable. I don't even want to imagine the kind of place I'd be in if I relapsed. It'd be too dark for words.
This is very, very serious for me. I've smashed my brain into a pulp, and this is no longer some adventure for me. There are no more second chances. I used all of them up earlier on in my recovery.
If you read my journal, which, I know, is quite long, I think anyone would be able to spot this evolution that I just mentioned. I used to only post things on my good days, and they were usually quite positive, hopeful, endearing entries. My symptoms weren't as severe (not even close), and I knew that I'd be just about cured within a year if I stuck to my goal. But as time has progressed, and I've binge relapsed after these long streaks, my brain is so fucked that the symptoms are debilitating, and my whole entire body/being/mind is completely distorted and fucked up. No self-pity in that statement--it is what it is. And I'm the only one that can get myself out of it.
Nonetheless, I appreciate the reminders, because who knows, maybe, the next time I'm feeling like I'm in the 7th layer of hell, I'll try even harder to sprinkle in some nice thoughts. Who knows though, things get so fucking dark man. I wouldn't wish those mind states on anyone.
Hopefully 2 years will be the magic pill. If not, then I'll just have to keep going past that threshold. There's no other option for me.
Hopefully, once this is all said and done, I can continue posting on this forum, offering advice and whatnot. I can be the poster-child for the folks who have got it really bad. Sadly, I'd imagine that as time goes on, there will be more of us. I hope to God I'm wrong, but I think all of this is going to get worse before it get's better. Our society needs to undergo some changes if we're going to battle this problem on a scale that it needs to be battled at. It's like Germany in the early stages of WW2. They (Germany, perhaps more of Europe) kind of turned a blind eye to all of the evil going on underneath the surface, preferring to maintain the surface/face of the nation rather than pointing out the darkness and causing a ruckus. Maybe that's too harsh of a metaphor (nothing will ever compare to the atrocities of the Holocaust, not even close), but my point is that this porn issue seems to be pretty fucking bad, and yet nothing about it is entering the mainstream in any kind of credible way. I think the majority of people on this earth are being affected by it, but not everyone is sensitive enough to even realize what it's doing to them. We, the unfortunate ones, were hit so hard by porn's vileness that we couldn't choose to ignore it even if we wanted to.
Just think about the evolution of our culture the past ten years--step sibling stuff, pornstars used as gamertags (indicating, to me, that porn has entered the cannon of our popular culture), sending nudes in middle school, instagram models, blah blah blah blah. I know I'm a boomer, but the trend seems to indicate that porn is fucking things up. I'd bet that, in bedrooms across the world, things have grown worse as well. For me, porn altered my sexuality from the get go. I treated women as objects, and acted accordingly. I'd wager that I wasn't the only one, and that that kind of behavior is still going on today amongst our youth. Probably more so.
I feel passionately about this issue because it has damaged my life in such a profound, inescapable way, so perhaps I'm blowing things out of proportion, kind of like how an alcoholic tends to believe that alcohol is evil not just for him but for everyone, and that most of the world is comprised of burgeoning alcoholics or currently practicing ones. Anyways, good luck to everyone. Keep fighting the good fight.
I think it's a lot easier to draw up positive memories/motivations/emotions when I'm feeling decent. But on those dark days, I have to go a little deeper to keep from doing anything stupid. It's more fear based, but it has worked thus far. I know that if I relapse I'll be forfeiting years and years of my life, and at the age of 29 that's no longer acceptable. I don't even want to imagine the kind of place I'd be in if I relapsed. It'd be too dark for words.
This is very, very serious for me. I've smashed my brain into a pulp, and this is no longer some adventure for me. There are no more second chances. I used all of them up earlier on in my recovery.
If you read my journal, which, I know, is quite long, I think anyone would be able to spot this evolution that I just mentioned. I used to only post things on my good days, and they were usually quite positive, hopeful, endearing entries. My symptoms weren't as severe (not even close), and I knew that I'd be just about cured within a year if I stuck to my goal. But as time has progressed, and I've binge relapsed after these long streaks, my brain is so fucked that the symptoms are debilitating, and my whole entire body/being/mind is completely distorted and fucked up. No self-pity in that statement--it is what it is. And I'm the only one that can get myself out of it.
Nonetheless, I appreciate the reminders, because who knows, maybe, the next time I'm feeling like I'm in the 7th layer of hell, I'll try even harder to sprinkle in some nice thoughts. Who knows though, things get so fucking dark man. I wouldn't wish those mind states on anyone.
Hopefully 2 years will be the magic pill. If not, then I'll just have to keep going past that threshold. There's no other option for me.
Hopefully, once this is all said and done, I can continue posting on this forum, offering advice and whatnot. I can be the poster-child for the folks who have got it really bad. Sadly, I'd imagine that as time goes on, there will be more of us. I hope to God I'm wrong, but I think all of this is going to get worse before it get's better. Our society needs to undergo some changes if we're going to battle this problem on a scale that it needs to be battled at. It's like Germany in the early stages of WW2. They (Germany, perhaps more of Europe) kind of turned a blind eye to all of the evil going on underneath the surface, preferring to maintain the surface/face of the nation rather than pointing out the darkness and causing a ruckus. Maybe that's too harsh of a metaphor (nothing will ever compare to the atrocities of the Holocaust, not even close), but my point is that this porn issue seems to be pretty fucking bad, and yet nothing about it is entering the mainstream in any kind of credible way. I think the majority of people on this earth are being affected by it, but not everyone is sensitive enough to even realize what it's doing to them. We, the unfortunate ones, were hit so hard by porn's vileness that we couldn't choose to ignore it even if we wanted to.
Just think about the evolution of our culture the past ten years--step sibling stuff, pornstars used as gamertags (indicating, to me, that porn has entered the cannon of our popular culture), sending nudes in middle school, instagram models, blah blah blah blah. I know I'm a boomer, but the trend seems to indicate that porn is fucking things up. I'd bet that, in bedrooms across the world, things have grown worse as well. For me, porn altered my sexuality from the get go. I treated women as objects, and acted accordingly. I'd wager that I wasn't the only one, and that that kind of behavior is still going on today amongst our youth. Probably more so.
I feel passionately about this issue because it has damaged my life in such a profound, inescapable way, so perhaps I'm blowing things out of proportion, kind of like how an alcoholic tends to believe that alcohol is evil not just for him but for everyone, and that most of the world is comprised of burgeoning alcoholics or currently practicing ones. Anyways, good luck to everyone. Keep fighting the good fight.
Hey Zander,
Agree with you completely. Your analogy with allied appeasement to the axis powers fits perfectly. There needs to be action and it needs to be soon. If countries and politicians as a whole aren't willing to put up the fight, we're the ones who have to do it. We p addicts NEED to recover, to share our stories, to inspire others, and to show the world just how serious this problem is. I'm sorry that your journey feels so dark and one out of desperation. This is, like many others, your only option. But, as I cannot stress enough, we need to remember the happiness associated with a p free life. We're going through hell to reach heaven. You've got this Zander I'm rooting for you man.
Agree with you completely. Your analogy with allied appeasement to the axis powers fits perfectly. There needs to be action and it needs to be soon. If countries and politicians as a whole aren't willing to put up the fight, we're the ones who have to do it. We p addicts NEED to recover, to share our stories, to inspire others, and to show the world just how serious this problem is. I'm sorry that your journey feels so dark and one out of desperation. This is, like many others, your only option. But, as I cannot stress enough, we need to remember the happiness associated with a p free life. We're going through hell to reach heaven. You've got this Zander I'm rooting for you man.
zander13
Respected Member
Tonight I was woken up at 3 am by an orgasm I had while sleeping. It was a pornographic dream, and I was humping my bed. I feel guilty, for some reason. I don't know. But I'm scared of the chaser effect. Fuck. I mean, I was sleeping, but since I was humping the bed and the dream was like half-lucid..I dono. I'm not in a good spot right now. I hope this thing didn't do any lasting damage. I just want to be finished with all of this. Fuck. It wasn't masturbation because I would never do that, but for some stupid fucking reason I feel partly responsible. My brain is reacting to the orgasm in an odd way. I guess we'll see where things go from here. This shit is the worst.
zander13
Respected Member
I fell back asleep and woke up to realize that the wet dream was out of my control. I have some extra brain fog this morning but other than that, I think I'll be fine. Still going to be on high alert for any kind of chaser effect, and I'm going to go out of my way to ensure that I avoid anything triggering today.
The timing of the wet dream is key--3 am is a rough time for me. I must have relapsed at that hour in the past because I've felt serious pangs of symptoms at 3 for the entire reboot.
My brain wasn't getting what it wanted while I was awake, so the sneaky fucker went ahead and grabbed it while I was asleep. Typical, classless thief. Waiting until the owner is in bed, in the dark. Late at night. What a fuckin' loser. Never can trust a guy like that.
The timing of the wet dream is key--3 am is a rough time for me. I must have relapsed at that hour in the past because I've felt serious pangs of symptoms at 3 for the entire reboot.
My brain wasn't getting what it wanted while I was awake, so the sneaky fucker went ahead and grabbed it while I was asleep. Typical, classless thief. Waiting until the owner is in bed, in the dark. Late at night. What a fuckin' loser. Never can trust a guy like that.
zander13
Respected Member
Had chaser effect for a full day or so after the dream.
I'm really struggling symptoms-wise. No use lying and saying I'm alright. I'm not. My life is shitty. It's not fun. I can barely play video games most days. Can't watch movies. Or T.V. Ever. Can't read most days. Can't write. Can't think. Digestion is terrible. Everything kind of just sucks ass. It's all either bland or downright miserable. This shit is the worst. I hate it so fucking much.
Nothing positive to say. It's all just shit. 15.25 months into this and I'm still doing terribly.
I'm really struggling symptoms-wise. No use lying and saying I'm alright. I'm not. My life is shitty. It's not fun. I can barely play video games most days. Can't watch movies. Or T.V. Ever. Can't read most days. Can't write. Can't think. Digestion is terrible. Everything kind of just sucks ass. It's all either bland or downright miserable. This shit is the worst. I hate it so fucking much.
Nothing positive to say. It's all just shit. 15.25 months into this and I'm still doing terribly.
zander13
Respected Member
My brain is interested in porn these days. Need to keep an eye on that slippery fucker. He's a liar. He loves porn sometimes, so I need to separate myself from him and trust in my understanding that porn is evil, regardless of how much my brain loves it.
Things have been difficult for a while now, but there is nothing I can do about it. I just need to move forward and trust that it will all be over one day. It can't go on forever.
Things have been difficult for a while now, but there is nothing I can do about it. I just need to move forward and trust that it will all be over one day. It can't go on forever.
zander13
Respected Member
@Jeks Thanks. I dono if you ever mentioned what I discuss below, but yeah, I'm trying something different. Maybe Sanders said something about it, I dono, my memory is shite these days.
I'm going to start taking an SSRI. Just emailed a psych and waiting for her to get back to me. I've been on one before and it helped me, though this was back when my addiction wasn't the kindled monster that it is now. It may not do much, or it may do a lot. I'm just ready for a change. I don't see it as taking the easy way out--my anxiety and anger are still super prevalent and it's almost been 16 months. It's time for a change. I need an injection of hope.
Even if it doesn't work I'll at least be proactively doing something, and seeing time through a different lens. I like the idea of anticipating a drug's effects, as opposed to sitting around waiting for a good day to emerge out of the quagmire of shittiness I currently find myself in.
The pandemic, coupled with PAWS, mixed with the harsh winter of where I'm from has put me in such a shitty spot. I'm the most helpless I've ever felt.
Wish me luck. For the first time in 2 months, I'm kind of excited.
I'm going to start taking an SSRI. Just emailed a psych and waiting for her to get back to me. I've been on one before and it helped me, though this was back when my addiction wasn't the kindled monster that it is now. It may not do much, or it may do a lot. I'm just ready for a change. I don't see it as taking the easy way out--my anxiety and anger are still super prevalent and it's almost been 16 months. It's time for a change. I need an injection of hope.
Even if it doesn't work I'll at least be proactively doing something, and seeing time through a different lens. I like the idea of anticipating a drug's effects, as opposed to sitting around waiting for a good day to emerge out of the quagmire of shittiness I currently find myself in.
The pandemic, coupled with PAWS, mixed with the harsh winter of where I'm from has put me in such a shitty spot. I'm the most helpless I've ever felt.
Wish me luck. For the first time in 2 months, I'm kind of excited.