Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

[Jeks]

Dude, i think its a great idea.
Being proactive, just trying out new things. I think its the exact opposite of the easy way out. Everything that helps, helps. After so many months of suffering i think its totally appropriate to try out something new.

I wish you good luck with that. Hopefully it can help you a bit to get a new kickstart in.

 

[zander13]

Last two days have been easier. Hope this is a sign that I'm climbing out of this current wave of symptoms, but I'm not going to get excited.

 

[zander13]

At the other forum I go to people have been posting long-term success stories. Here's one where the guy overcame a 27 month flatline: https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/csqkbw/yes_end_of_27mo_flatline_826_days/

I hope mine won't take that long but there's more proof that I'm not the only one going through a long one.

 

[zander13]

Had a dream where I relapsed. It was awful. Going to be on guard today.

 

[zander13]

I posted a while back about how I had picked up on the patterns of this thing. Well, obviously, I was a little off in my calculations back then. But I do think that I'm gaining a firmer understanding of the ebbs and flows of this flatline. The excel document I'm keeping is getting more and more detailed, and it's allowing me to dissect the monster a little easier.

I don't really know why I seek to know the patterns, because whatever happen will happen. I think it's a human thing to try and define everything, even if we're dealing with something as indefinable as a flatline. I want to KNOW. I want to feel like I'm in control. But I'm not, at all. Boy, oh boy, am I not.

Close to the end of month 15. I don't really know what that means in the grand scheme of things. What I do know is that this process doesn't feel like an adventure anymore. Before, there was a sense of discovery. And optimism. Now I'm at the latter half of the marathon, where I'm just trying to fucking get there. My legs are fucking shot and my breathing is heavy. I'm beat down.

I've been reading stories of folks who took 2+ years to get out of their flatlines. Of course I'm prepared to wait that long, but god damn man. That's a long fucking time. I hope I can return to normalcy within the 2 year mark. Once the weather starts getting better I'm going to want to take part in all of the springtime energy activities. I want to start dating again. I want to be able to enjoy nature.

Even if I don't leave the flatline soon, I hope that my symptoms lessen in severity, and that my social anxiety goes away. If I can spend time around people without wanting to leave immediately then I'll be okay. I can wait it out if that's the case. Hell, if I gain the ability to enjoy movies again then I'll be A-okay.

 

[zander13]

Accidentally saw simulated sex on a TV show I've been watching. Need to be better with avoidance of that kind of thing.

 

[zander13]

For the past week I've had some decent spells interspersed between not so great ones. I'll take it. Nice to not be fucking miserable all the time.

Today I had the thought that I miss talking with the girl I used to see. She was great to speak with--she became my best friend, and now I don't have that anymore. She helped me realize that other people can be much better than the ones I've been used to associating with. Made me realize how important it is to expand my horizons so that I can get a more accurate representation of what this world can offer.

Anyways, I hope this trend continues. I know I'll, at some point in the future, return to that darker place, but it's nice to be in a peak rather than a valley. And I was right before when I said that I'll never feel as dark as I once did. I'm definitely through the most difficult parts of this flatline. Though I'll have more hills to climb, I'm on my way down from the metaphorical mountain.

I'm excited to leave the flatline so I can start being super creative again. I want to see what I'm truly capable of.

 

[Jeks]

Good thing you feel a little better at the moment. Great news.

 

[zander13]

Thanks Jeks.

My brain is craving porn really fucking hard right now. Wish me luck. Holy shit man it's hungry.

 

[zander13]

Of course as soon as I post something positive I get hit with a day where I feel like absolute shit. And I mean shit. Fuck I'm sick of this.

also just had a terrible run in with a psychiatrist that left me shook. It's tough when oyu make yourself vulnerable to someone and they're just not the kind of person you should be opening up to. I ended the session early but I had to call someone and blow off a fuck ton of steam.

COVID and wintertime have really done a number on my mental health, and I'm kind if flailing right now. I've never felt this close to relapse in a long time. When I start craving cigarettes, alcohol, etc. is when porn starts to sound a little bit sweeter. I've really gotta be strong these next couple days.

Last time I posted something like this a guy said "man up" to me. I pretended his comment didn't get to me but it did. But now I've acquired enough anger from my mishap with the psych to say this: never post on my thread again. This is a safe space where I'm allowed to say whatever the fuck I want. you may think you're "tough" because you don't ever speak about your emotions, but I'm pretty fucking confident that I'm a much nicer, empathetic, smarter, tougher person than you'll ever be, hot shot.

 

[Sanders]

Hey man,

Sorry to hear that happened! It's a real tough situation that when you're trying to get help from someone you think is capable something like this happens. I hope you'll find someone who does a better job and can actually help you! For me the third psychologist was actually one that could help. I emailed them before the visit and explained my situation and asked whether they thought they could help. Of course they all said yes, but one out of three really could. It's a tricky process since porn is such a strange subject for many. There should be someone that can help you, definitely

There are plenty of people here giving shit advice or they're just really ignorant. I saw one guy here blaming a spouse because her husband was a porn addict and it was her fault because she should have been more satisfying. I like to think that most people here -including me- just don't really have a clue and try to suggest whatever they know. It's pretty shit of that person to write something like that in your journal but I'm happy for you that you're defining it like this.

I realise that there's plenty of reasons to feel bad next to fighting the addiction. I don't know whereabouts you live but here it's been constantly under -10 Celsius. Since most places are closed due to COVID there isn't too much to do. We've got to find something to occupy us and keep us sane Anyways, hope you'll keep your motivation high and pass through the coming days smoothly!

 

[zander13]

@Sanders: Thanks man. You've been a really nice guy all throughout this process. Hope things continue to go well for you.

I just read two stories on nofap.com, back to back, that had one guy admitting that he failed after 810 days, and the other after 5 years. This is not something that just goes away after a set amount of days. A day will come when I get out of the flatline, but that will not mean that I'm finished from my journey. Porn is accessible 24/7, and it will never not be an issue for me.

The thought that "this will all be over after XX days" is nothing but detrimental, and was a mistake that I made many times when I was younger. I'd think "after 120 days I'll be done with this shit and return to normalcy". Nope. Days are just a nice way of tallying our successes. They aren't an accurate barometer when it comes to our levels of recovery. One guy at 300 days could still be more susceptible to relapse than a guy at 45. And both will be susceptible for the remainder of their lives. These pathways in our brains are deep. Don't take this shit lightly, or see it as some kind of phase. It's serious, and you can fail after 5 years of abstinence. Man was it humbling to read that. 5 fucking years and this guy is now completely re-addicted. And the 812 guy said he relapsed 10 times in one day.

Be wary gentleman. But still celebrate the victories, because it also seems to be detrimental to live a life in constant fear. A fine balance has to be struck. I'm not at a point where I can live like that, but one day I will have to figure out how to be wary of relapse without having the fear of failure infecting my mind 24/7. I might need some outside help once I leave this flatline and am able to return to life in the way that I want to.

 

[zander13]

16 months today.

Really starting to think that this flatline is going to last longer than 2 years. I still feel awful far more than I feel decent (let alone good).

 

[kami]

@zander13

Do you workout? Have you tried eating certain foods? Dark chocolate is like the best for me to get an erection. I use to be on steroids and after you get off you have ED bad... I looked up all the food to eat to help and eat them all and it worked well for me... and working out helps a lot with blood flow and confidence...

 

[zander13]

So sick of this bullshit. So fucking angry and I have nowhere to direct it. This shit is pure fucking evil.

 

[worth_it]

Stay strong! You got this!

 

[kami]

Dude you have put in so much work... keep it up... join a fighting gym to get out some anger...

 

[Robert7M]

Don't abandon.

People who succeed to quit PMO are perseverant.
I advice you to read stories of that who succeed, you will see that They had the same idea, and some others thought worst. But they continued, they persevered and they succeed a day, a month, some an year others more than an year.

- The principal fight is about your thought, you must take the control of yourself and of your life. It will not be in a day. It will take time.

- Do your best to be clean just a Day. The next day you'll do the same. And you can just fixe tour yoursel some minimal objectif ( like a day free, three days free, and you will avance them as you are going forward )

- Change your habitudes ( I think it's Habits), your programs, some thing you must leave, some others you must become do that. Take the decision.

- In french we say " Tant qu'il y a la vie, il y a encore de l'espoir".

Don't abandon ! Go forward ! Be courageous !

Salutations !!

 

[zander13]

Thanks for the messages fellas. Good luck to you all.

One week and 16 months PMO free, including masturbation. Not much to report.

 

[zander13]

May have a hernia from all the constipation the withdrawals cause. Fucking awesome.

We'll see if the pain persists tomorrow.