Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

[zander13]

Don't think it's a hernia, thank God. Just a pain that happened to be located in the exact area a hernia can occur.

Depressed today, and not using that word lightly. I never do. I just don't feel happy, and I attribute that to the chemicals and synapses in my brain not functioning correctly. It will pass. All of it will. But I'm very much ready for happier days. Haven't felt true happiness in a long while. I pray that all of this will be worth it in the end. I think it will, but there is still a part of me that thinks that it might not. Time is the only thing that will ever erase that voice that lives within me which says that I'm permanently broken.

 

[Jeks]

Good thing it seemes to be not as serious as you thought.

You are not alone in being depressed. Maybe that can help you a bit lol we gotta keep on going man, hopefully it will be over sooner than later. Where there is a will, there is a way.

 

[zander13]

@Jeks: Yes. We will do this together. We're gunna get there. Good to have you with me. It's been a pleasure thus far.

I admit that I went to a woman's instagram to see how she looked, especially what her body shape was. Sounds innocent enough, but that's the kind of thing that can slide you down the rabbit hole rather quickly. I admit to my mistake, and strive to do better. I cannot allow myself to do that sort of stuff. Some people can, but I'm not one of them. I own up to my mistake and look to be more vigilant. I have to be. I'm not at any sort of finish line. I'm not impervious to mistakes. I'm very much vulnerable, and need to remain in control of my thoughts and impulses. There is no room for mindlessness.

I need to get these kinds of things off of my chest and make them public so that I don't hold anything within.

 

[zander13]

16.5 months. Don't know where I'm at on the recovery timeline. Time is moving faster, I'd say. Don't really know what I should take away from that fact.

Still depressed a lot of the time, though I was able to be social last weekend which was really fucking nice.

I'm still under the impression that this flatline will take 2+ years before it's through with me. I just hope that the things I complain about during that timeframe become lesser and lesser evils. Maybe that process is occurring right now, who knows. It probably is, but things are still hard enough that I don't feel as if anything major has happened. It's hard to compare myself to earlier versions because my memory is so shot still. I keep a detailed log of each day, so I use that as my guidepost of improvements/patterns. A lot of my days are still in the dark orange and/or red, so I'm not confident that I'll be out of this flatline any time soon.

The most important thing of all is this: don't fucking relapse, Zander. That's the golden rule of this whole process: don't whack off to porn. Time will take care of the rest.

 

[zander13]

Pretty damn sick of this process.

 

[zander13]

My brother is balls deep in porn addiction. I can always tell after he PMO's--his confidence is low, he's mean, aggressive, insecure. His presence is just more hostile. Also--he craves immediate gratification like shitty food and video games. Hard to watch.

 

[Jeks]

Shit man... does he know about your own struggles with porn?

 

[zander13]

@Jeks Yeah, and he's tried stopping a few times, but to no avail. And now he just willfully ignores it. It's really sad. Nothing I can do though--we all gotta make the choice for ourselves. I'm just worried because he's not the most self aware individual I've known..

 

[zander13]

I have a flight booked for a vacation in early May. I'm praying that I'll be around the corner by the time of the trip. I'll be around 18 months by then. One guy I followed closely in the other forum I go to said that he started seeing some light around that time.

I'd really like to enjoy the ocean in the way that it should be. I used to love being near something so vast and mysterious. Humbling.

 

[zander13]

Dude my sleep is completely fucked up.

 

[Jeks]

@Jeks Yeah, and he's tried stopping a few times, but to no avail. And now he just willfully ignores it. It's really sad. Nothing I can do though--we all gotta make the choice for ourselves. I'm just worried because he's not the most self aware individual I've known..

Thats too bad man... Unfortunately you are totally right. You cant really force another human being on giving up his addiction. You can put pressure on him or talk to him. But in the end he gotta make the decision for himself. Normally i would sometimes give people a pass with porn addiction, because i myself wasnt aware of my addiction. I just didnt know, that porn is addictive. But when yor brother is aware of what he might do to himself, it really in the end is his decision. Hopefully he can turn the corner one day.

 

[zander13]

In a bad spot. Almost 17 months and still feeling awful almost every day. What did I do to my fucking brain. It's fucking mindblowing. So angry right now.

 

[zander13]

One thing I know for certain: Once I clear the storm clouds I'm going to read and write my fucking face off.

Also: my brain is craving porn pretty hard right now, so I need to watch my actions, especially in front of screens, rather diligently.

 

[Dantes]

Hi dude, I just had to register and comment because I was inspired by your perseverance. I can't even count how many times I have tried to quit PMO, always falling back to stupid excuses. To be honest, I have been meaning to quit this habit for 5 years. Please don't give in, for your own and for other people's sake who are trying to ditch this toxic habit. This might be the most important thing you do, and you should embrace the hardness of it. It probably won't boost your mood that much, but almost whatever feelings you are going through, you are not the first or last person to go through them. Please prevail. Establish routines and take care of yourself, read books and exercise.

 

[zander13]

@Dantes Thank you kind sir. I'm going to continue to try my best. Hope things start falling into place for you as well.

 

[zander13]

17.25 months into this. Still enduring a lot of psychological and emotional pain, but I'm also feeling more optimistic lately. Starting to think about the future more. Hope my optimism doesn't bite me in the ass. But even if things really start to fall off, it's comforting to know that this shit won't last much longer than 24 months, if that. It won't last forever.

 

[zander13]

Per usual, just as I start feeling optimistic I have a day like today. No more getting excited about things, it's just too much of a letdown.

2 years is the expected amount of time to start feeling relatively normal, and I need to stop expecting it to be otherwise. 2 years is 24 months, and I'm only 17 months in. That means I still have over a half of a year left. That's a long fucking time.

6 months normally wouldn't be that daunting for me, but I've already endured 17 months of nonstop difficulty. I'm worn down. I'm beat up. Bruised and shattered. On days like today it is quite difficult to the summon the energy needed to move through the day, especially when there is no guarantee that tomorrow will be any better. It's very hard to make sense of all of this. The only thing that I can think of is that enduring all of this hardship is sharpening me as a person. that's really the only thing I can think of.

I often worry about how many years I have left on this earth. If I die early, then this will be wasted time. But if I have a decent run at things, then maybe I'll be able to look back on this time and not totally regret it.

I know we need the darkness to appreciate the light, but this amount of darkness seems excessive.

I'm just bored of this process. Bored of complaining. Bored of having to wake up feeling so damn shitty. I'm never going to lie and say that I'm happy when I'm not, and today, I don't feel very happy. I feel downright miserable.

Once I get out of this I plan on making some big, big changes. I'm going to move somewhere exciting, and I'm going to put myself out there in ways I never have before. I just read a description of my astrology signs that stated that I'm the kind of person to have grandiose ideas but oftentimes crave security so deeply that I'll abandon my aspirations. Well I'm not going to fall in that trap. I need to forge something using all of the wreckage of my early life. I really, really want to become a happy person. I, so badly, want to experience all of the things that life, if we're lucky, has to offer. Most of all, I want to find love. To build my own home. To feel as if I'm truly a man.

That is all for now.

 

[zander13]

Feeling really, really bad right now. I'm back in the abyss. Very depressed.

 

[ukquit11]

Keep going man! I have read through pretty much the whole thread today and the way that you simply won't give up even when you have relapsed in the past is very inspiring. It may take a while, but I know you'll get there, we all will!

 

[zander13]

Keep going man! I have read through pretty much the whole thread today and the way that you simply won't give up even when you have relapsed in the past is very inspiring. It may take a while, but I know you'll get there, we all will!

Thank you very much sir. It's nice to know that I'm not speaking into a vacuum. Good luck to you as well.