Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

zander13

Well-Known Member
So sick of this bullshit. So fucking angry and I have nowhere to direct it. This shit is pure fucking evil.
 

Robert7M

Member
Don't abandon.

People who succeed to quit PMO are perseverant.
I advice you to read stories of that who succeed, you will see that They had the same idea, and some others thought worst. But they continued, they persevered and they succeed a day, a month, some an year others more than an year.

- The principal fight is about your thought, you must take the control of yourself and of your life. It will not be in a day. It will take time.

- Do your best to be clean just a Day. The next day you'll do the same. And you can just fixe tour yoursel some minimal objectif ( like a day free, three days free, and you will avance them as you are going forward )

- Change your habitudes ( I think it's Habits), your programs, some thing you must leave, some others you must become do that. Take the decision.

- In french we say " Tant qu'il y a la vie, il y a encore de l'espoir".

Don't abandon ! Go forward ! Be courageous !

Salutations !!
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Thanks for the messages fellas. Good luck to you all.

One week and 16 months PMO free, including masturbation. Not much to report.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
May have a hernia from all the constipation the withdrawals cause. Fucking awesome.

We'll see if the pain persists tomorrow.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Don't think it's a hernia, thank God. Just a pain that happened to be located in the exact area a hernia can occur.

Depressed today, and not using that word lightly. I never do. I just don't feel happy, and I attribute that to the chemicals and synapses in my brain not functioning correctly. It will pass. All of it will. But I'm very much ready for happier days. Haven't felt true happiness in a long while. I pray that all of this will be worth it in the end. I think it will, but there is still a part of me that thinks that it might not. Time is the only thing that will ever erase that voice that lives within me which says that I'm permanently broken.

 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Good thing it seemes to be not as serious as you thought.

You are not alone in being depressed. Maybe that can help you a bit lol :) we gotta keep on going man, hopefully it will be over sooner than later. Where there is a will, there is a way.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
@Jeks: Yes. We will do this together. We're gunna get there. Good to have you with me. It's been a pleasure thus far.

I admit that I went to a woman's instagram to see how she looked, especially what her body shape was. Sounds innocent enough, but that's the kind of thing that can slide you down the rabbit hole rather quickly. I admit to my mistake, and strive to do better. I cannot allow myself to do that sort of stuff. Some people can, but I'm not one of them. I own up to my mistake and look to be more vigilant. I have to be. I'm not at any sort of finish line. I'm not impervious to mistakes. I'm very much vulnerable, and need to remain in control of my thoughts and impulses. There is no room for mindlessness.

I need to get these kinds of things off of my chest and make them public so that I don't hold anything within.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
16.5 months. Don't know where I'm at on the recovery timeline. Time is moving faster, I'd say. Don't really know what I should take away from that fact.

Still depressed a lot of the time, though I was able to be social last weekend which was really fucking nice.

I'm still under the impression that this flatline will take 2+ years before it's through with me. I just hope that the things I complain about during that timeframe become lesser and lesser evils. Maybe that process is occurring right now, who knows. It probably is, but things are still hard enough that I don't feel as if anything major has happened. It's hard to compare myself to earlier versions because my memory is so shot still. I keep a detailed log of each day, so I use that as my guidepost of improvements/patterns. A lot of my days are still in the dark orange and/or red, so I'm not confident that I'll be out of this flatline any time soon.

The most important thing of all is this: don't fucking relapse, Zander. That's the golden rule of this whole process: don't whack off to porn. Time will take care of the rest.

 

zander13

Well-Known Member
My brother is balls deep in porn addiction. I can always tell after he PMO's--his confidence is low, he's mean, aggressive, insecure. His presence is just more hostile. Also--he craves immediate gratification like shitty food and video games. Hard to watch.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
@Jeks Yeah, and he's tried stopping a few times, but to no avail. And now he just willfully ignores it. It's really sad. Nothing I can do though--we all gotta make the choice for ourselves. I'm just worried because he's not the most self aware individual I've known..
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
I have a flight booked for a vacation in early May. I'm praying that I'll be around the corner by the time of the trip. I'll be around 18 months by then. One guy I followed closely in the other forum I go to said that he started seeing some light around that time.

I'd really like to enjoy the ocean in the way that it should be. I used to love being near something so vast and mysterious. Humbling.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
zander13 said:
@Jeks Yeah, and he's tried stopping a few times, but to no avail. And now he just willfully ignores it. It's really sad. Nothing I can do though--we all gotta make the choice for ourselves. I'm just worried because he's not the most self aware individual I've known..

Thats too bad man... Unfortunately you are totally right. You cant really force another human being on giving up his addiction. You can put pressure on him or talk to him. But in the end he gotta make the decision for himself. Normally i would sometimes give people a pass with porn addiction, because i myself wasnt aware of my addiction. I just didnt know, that porn is addictive. But when yor brother is aware of what he might do to himself, it really in the end is his decision. Hopefully he can turn the corner one day.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
In a bad spot. Almost 17 months and still feeling awful almost every day. What did I do to my fucking brain. It's fucking mindblowing. So angry right now.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
One thing I know for certain: Once I clear the storm clouds I'm going to read and write my fucking face off.

Also: my brain is craving porn pretty hard right now, so I need to watch my actions, especially in front of screens, rather diligently.
 

Dantes

Member
Hi dude, I just had to register and comment because I was inspired by your perseverance. I can't even count how many times I have tried to quit PMO, always falling back to stupid excuses. To be honest, I have been meaning to quit this habit for 5 years. Please don't give in, for your own and for other people's sake who are trying to ditch this toxic habit. This might be the most important thing you do, and you should embrace the hardness of it. It probably won't boost your mood that much, but almost whatever feelings you are going through, you are not the first or last person to go through them. Please prevail. Establish routines and take care of yourself, read books and exercise.
 
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