Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

zander13

Well-Known Member
Thanks Phineas. Nah I'm not annoyed lol. Glad I'm not alone.

Thanks Do or Die. Good luck to ya.

Anyways, I'm feeling really dark. The prediction I made before was off by a week. Saturday and Sunday were fucking awful, and today seems to be just as bad or worse. I'm super angry, and am approaching that "darkness" I described a few posts ago.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this, but I, sadly, don't. No one understands.

Just need to make it past this month I guess.

A part of me really started to think that I was through this kind of intense pain. Hopefully it doesn't last as long as it did last time. It's no fun. And I don't even really feel heard when I type on this forum either.

I feel very, very alone right now.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
You are not alone. Even if we might not be in the same exact situation, some on this forum will be able to grasp, what this must be like for you, because they also felt a lot of desperation and pain. But in the end it doesnt matter.
You made it out of this dark place once. You can get out of it again for sure.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
@Jeks Thanks man. Appreciate it very much. Hope all is well with you.

I'm not always down in the dumps, just to let anyone who reads this know. This shit isn't black and white (nothing is). I just often use this journal, at this point, to get rid of emotions and thoughts that are weighing me down.

I really do believe that this next string of difficult days will signify the end of an era. I've said this many times, but yeah, I'm going to say it again.

I just need to keep going. Life ain't fun right now, but it will be. I think.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
At a point where I kind of welcome the super dark times, because I know that there aren't that many left, and that they will lead to even better days. Bring it the fuck on. Let's just get it all over with.
 

Dantes

Active Member
Keep going Zander. I wish you all the strength in conquering your personal hell. Best of luck and let's hope for better times to come.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
@Jeks: God bless ya sir.

@Dantes: That's very kind of you to say. I hope for the absolute best for you too my friend.

Had 2 wet dreams the past 3 days, maybe 3 (don't know if i had 2 in the same night couple days ago).

Don't know what to make of this fact, but yeah. It happened.

Brain fuzzy right now.

 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Angry, depressed.

Hate my life, to be honest.

No reason to feel optimistic--it's just day after day after day of struggle. I seriously haven't gotten one full, good day in fucking months. You know how hard that is? I just pray, each night, that tomorrow will finally be the day where things turn around. But it never happens.

I'm so fucking down right now.
 

Dantes

Active Member
Let's just hope it's darkest before the dawn and it will get easier soon. Keep going Zander, moment by moment, day by day.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
@Jeks Thanks for your support friend.

@Dantes Thanks so much man. Really means a lot during times like these.

Need to remember that these really rough times don't last forever, as @Dantes alluded to. Life is no fun right now, but I need to keep going. Nothing else for me to do.

Already more than a week past 18 months. All I can go off is the long termers before me, and the majority of them said that 2 years was the magical number. Sadly, there are also cases of guys who are past 2 years and are still suffering. I fucking pray to God that I'm not one of those people. What a fucking curse pornography is.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Still very much in the dark right now.

Is this regarding a continuing flatline?

As far as wet dreams are concerned, personally, I pay them no mind other than to assure myself that I physically needed for that to happen...? Like it was simply a normal function...

But I understand the increased concern if physiological healing is a big component of our recovery.

Wishing you well.
 

bigdawg24

Member
Man, have you considered going to a therapist? All of this depression and darkness is probably not due to your porn addiction. It's probably due to actual depression, which you should get professional treatment for. I can tell you for a fact that if porn addiction is your only issue, then you should be "healed" in 2-3 months. I'm no doctor, but I'd recommend seeking professional help (therapist or psychiatrist).

I started seeing a therapist about my porn use, and we quickly figured out that I was also moderately depressed. Now I'm starting to take anti-depressants, and hopefully I will feel better.

Think seeing a therapist is a very good step.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
9 days away from 19 months free of PMO.

Really hoping 24 months is the magic number, but think I am prepared, mentally, for it to be longer.

Regardless, still have a ways to go.

The difficulty lies in the not knowing, but that's kind of how life is. It's truly impossible to know what's going to happen next. We can think that we're sure of it, but that's it. Procure a thought. Not reality--just abstract guesses.

The not knowing applies to each and every second of said future. I don't know how I'm going to feel in the next minute, let alone the next month, or year. I keep an excel document in an attempt to pick up on patterns, but it hasn't helped me nearly as much as I thought it would. At this point, I don't even know if it's helping me or causing me more strife. Now, it's just something to do. A way to make sense of the time that is slipping by.

The other forum I frequent deals with guys who are similar to me. Many of us are 15-24+ months into our abstinences and still struggling. Recently, some guys have been posting some positive advice that is somewhat helping me cope with everything.

I'm still in a difficult period, and I'm not going to predict what will happen next because I'm done attempting to pull off the impossible. Time will continue to move forward, and as long as I stay sober then things will eventually even out.

I must never forget that the number one rule of all of this is to not relapse. So I'm going to hone in on that facet of rebooting and am going to actively try and ignore the rest of it. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop bitching, but it does mean that I will do my best to not forget the simple equation of: abstinence+time=recovery. Some may disagree with that statement, but that's what is going to work for me. Nothing beats time, including these protracted withdrawal symptoms.
 
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