Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

zander13

Well-Known Member
I hope, you are somewhat okay, man.
The only objective thing I can say is that the past 4 days have been easier.

Until I leave the flatline, I won't ever feel "good", or "normal". I read a document that interviewed 4 or 5 24(+) month flatliners, and they all kind of said the same thing: the flatline was fucking awful, and it didn't go away until it went away. Never during their time within it did they feel good. But once it lifted, they felt as if they had "superpowers", which, to someone like them (and me), that just meant that they felt how normal people do.

Since I started masturbating compulsively at such an early age, I've never known what it felt like to be "normal" as an adult, so I'm sure I'll feel as if I'm Superman for a while, until I somewhat get used to it (going to try my hardest to never forget how dark this shit has been).

I'm 4 days away from month 19. That would mean that I won't leave this flatline for another 5 months, at the least. That's fucking hard to fathom, but I can't dwell on that all day every day. These days, I just do what I can to make it through the really hard times, and try and do my best to eek out as much pleasure during the okay times.

Good thing is I'm planning on leaving this flatline a much happier person than when I entered it. Never as a kid was I all that happy. I'm sure I'm forgetting all of the positive stuff because I feel so damn shittily all the time, but when I look back all I remember is a lot of anxiety, and fear, and shame.

I've since learned, throughout this journey, why I felt the way that I did, and in doing so enabled myself to actually stay clean from porn, because for me, porn wasn't just a hyper addictive thing that my brain got hooked on from repeated viewings. I buried my emotions in that shit, especially anger. I hated my father, but I didn't know it and really suffocated that hate.

Some days I like to believe that my flatline is just my brains slowly letting out all of the negative stuff I used porn to repress. I'm angry like all the fucking time during this flatine, and I like to think that it's because I rarely ever, ever showed any anger as a kid. I didn't know that I was allowed to.

My Dad really fucked me up, and therapy allowed me to see that, and to attempt to heal from it. I'm not reading a book about growing up with an emotionally immature parent, and it's one of those instances where you feel as if you could have written half of the thing on your own. He checks almost all of the boxes.

The sad thing is that the realization of my Dad's misgivings was only the beginning. I think, for a lot of people, those therapy sessions would have served as springboard to a brand new life. But, for me, I was left with withdrawals and active addiction. I couldn't just act out my newfound realizations. I've had to wait, for fucking years, to finally unleash my true(ish) self onto the world.

I really, really hope that it will all be worth the wait. But who knows. The funny thing about life is that I could die tomorrow, never having known what it was like to be free from all of this. That's just how it goes. It couldn't be any other way, because without time things would have no meaning or significance, but it can, without question, be a cruel mistress. I could die tomorrow, and thinking otherwise would be a disservice to myself.

One thing all of this pain has brought me is a deep well of empathy, and as soon as I'm fit for reality in its truest sense, I'm going to go out there and try and help other folks who have endured similar fates as me. There is always room for growth. Things can be different. Books can be read, ideas can be introduced, paradigms can be shifted.

I want to one day forgive my Dad, but for the time being, I kind of hate him. I know it's not his fault that he's all stunted, emotionally, but it's jsut really tough for me to grasp someone's complete lack of motivation to look inward. Yes, our parents can fuck us up, but once we hit a certain age it's up to us to fix it. Maybe I got lucky enough to have the time and money to afford therapy, but yeah, I think I would have eventually fixed some things because addiction is hard to ignore, and kind of forces you to confront your own demons. If you don't, then you'll find yourself relapsing over and over and over gain, without ever truly knowing why.

I've seen some success stories where people blame themselves for being selfish in their addictions. To me, I don't subscribe to that notion. I like to think that oftentimes addiction is just a reaction to devastating events and/or circumstances. We are so fucking vulnerable as kids that it's really tough to not get affected. Especially if you're an emotionally sensitive, introspective kind of person. We internalize a lot of shit. We blame ourselves, and try to "fix" our personality in order to make things somewhat even keeled.

I forgive myself for the mistakes I made as a kid. I just did not have any tools to cope with my parents. It's, honestly, no wonder why I turned to porn. It numbed shit. It gave me pleasure, and allowed me to kind of change who I was on a fundamental level. Since porn made me callous, I could be the "man: I thought I was supposed to be: cold, powerful, "tough". Those kinds of stupid, American-y things that are blasted down our throats as we interact with mainstream culture.

I'm obviously an opinionated person, but what you have to understand is that this is my journal, and I'm using it as such.

I'm starting up therapy again to let some of this anger out. I still have a fuck ton of it locked up inside, and I really don't want it to be there anymore.

This is a long-winded response, but sometimes you gotta get it out.

So yeah. Past 4 days have been, objectively, easier. Doesn't mean I'm doing well, just means I'm not feeling acquainted with the devil.

I will feel a lot more pain until this is all over. that's really hard to admit, and makes me pretty fucking terrified, but what can you do. It own't be easy. But hopefully the end will be worth it.

I'm still waiting to take the bag of mushrooms I have in my freezer. I don't want to do it until I feel healthy. But man, oh man, I can't wait to experience those bad boys. I want to start seeing life from different vantage points. I kind of want to do my best to unlearn all of the bad habits I picked up growing up the way that I did.

Oh, and thanks for asking.
 
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The only objective thing I can say is that the past 4 days have been easier.

Until I leave the flatline, I won't ever feel "good", or "normal". I read a document that interviewed 4 or 5 24(+) month flatliners, and they all kind of said the same thing: the flatline was fucking awful, and it didn't go away until it went away. Never during their time within it did they feel good. But once it lifted, they felt as if they had "superpowers", which, to someone like them (and me), that just meant that they felt how normal people do.

Since I started masturbating compulsively at such an early age, I've never known what it felt like to be "normal" as an adult, so I'm sure I'll feel as if I'm Superman for a while, until I somewhat get used to it (going to try my hardest to never forget how dark this shit has been).

I'm 4 days away from month 19. That would mean that I won't leave this flatline for another 5 months, at the least. That's fucking hard to fathom, but I can't dwell on that all day every day. These days, I just do what I can to make it through the really hard times, and try and do my best to eek out as much pleasure during the okay times.

Good thing is I'm planning on leaving this flatline a much happier person than when I entered it. Never as a kid was I all that happy. I'm sure I'm forgetting all of the positive stuff because I feel so damn shittily all the time, but when I look back all I remember is a lot of anxiety, and fear, and shame.

I've since learned, throughout this journey, why I felt the way that I did, and in doing so enabled myself to actually stay clean from porn, because for me, porn wasn't just a hyper addictive thing that my brain got hooked on from repeated viewings. I buried my emotions in that shit, especially anger. I hated my father, but I didn't know it and really suffocated that hate.

Some days I like to believe that my flatline is just my brains slowly letting out all of the negative stuff I used porn to repress. I'm angry like all the fucking time during this flatine, and I like to think that it's because I rarely ever, ever showed any anger as a kid. I didn't know that I was allowed to.

My Dad really fucked me up, and therapy allowed me to see that, and to attempt to heal from it. I'm not reading a book about growing up with an emotionally immature parent, and it's one of those instances where you feel as if you could have written half of the thing on your own. He checks almost all of the boxes.

The sad thing is that the realization of my Dad's misgivings was only the beginning. I think, for a lot of people, those therapy sessions would have served as springboard to a brand new life. But, for me, I was left with withdrawals and active addiction. I couldn't just act out my newfound realizations. I've had to wait, for fucking years, to finally unleash my true(ish) self onto the world.

I really, really hope that it will all be worth the wait. But who knows. The funny thing about life is that I could die tomorrow, never having known what it was like to be free from all of this. That's just how it goes. It couldn't be any other way, because without time things would have no meaning or significance, but it can, without question, be a cruel mistress. I could die tomorrow, and thinking otherwise would be a disservice to myself.

One thing all of this pain has brought me is a deep well of empathy, and as soon as I'm fit for reality in its truest sense, I'm going to go out there and try and help other folks who have endured similar fates as me. There is always room for growth. Things can be different. Books can be read, ideas can be introduced, paradigms can be shifted.

I want to one day forgive my Dad, but for the time being, I kind of hate him. I know it's not his fault that he's all stunted, emotionally, but it's jsut really tough for me to grasp someone's complete lack of motivation to look inward. Yes, our parents can fuck us up, but once we hit a certain age it's up to us to fix it. Maybe I got lucky enough to have the time and money to afford therapy, but yeah, I think I would have eventually fixed some things because addiction is hard to ignore, and kind of forces you to confront your own demons. If you don't, then you'll find yourself relapsing over and over and over gain, without ever truly knowing why.

I've seen some success stories where people blame themselves for being selfish in their addictions. To me, I don't subscribe to that notion. I like to think that oftentimes addiction is just a reaction to devastating events and/or circumstances. We are so fucking vulnerable as kids that it's really tough to not get affected. Especially if you're an emotionally sensitive, introspective kind of person. We internalize a lot of shit. We blame ourselves, and try to "fix" our personality in order to make things somewhat even keeled.

I forgive myself for the mistakes I made as a kid. I just did not have any tools to cope with my parents. It's, honestly, no wonder why I turned to porn. It numbed shit. It gave me pleasure, and allowed me to kind of change who I was on a fundamental level. Since porn made me callous, I could be the "man: I thought I was supposed to be: cold, powerful, "tough". Those kinds of stupid, American-y things that are blasted down our throats as we interact with mainstream culture.

I'm obviously an opinionated person, but what you have to understand is that this is my journal, and I'm using it as such.

I'm starting up therapy again to let some of this anger out. I still have a fuck ton of it locked up inside, and I really don't want it to be there anymore.

This is a long-winded response, but sometimes you gotta get it out.

So yeah. Past 4 days have been, objectively, easier. Doesn't mean I'm doing well, just means I'm not feeling acquainted with the devil.

I will feel a lot more pain until this is all over. that's really hard to admit, and makes me pretty fucking terrified, but what can you do. It own't be easy. But hopefully the end will be worth it.

I'm still waiting to take the bag of mushrooms I have in my freezer. I don't want to do it until I feel healthy. But man, oh man, I can't wait to experience those bad boys. I want to start seeing life from different vantage points. I kind of want to do my best to unlearn all of the bad habits I picked up growing up the way that I did.

Oh, and thanks for asking.

Hello Zander. I find your last post very interesting and recognise myself in some of the sentences. I am 24 years old and have done PMO from age 13-22. I have 17 months of PAWS so far.

Can you link me to this document ? I search almost daily for PAWS stories that go 1-2 years, be it PMO, sex, alcohol or other drugs like heroin and weed.

I started PMO when I was 13 and I didn't understand until I was 21 that PMO was the reason I had severe social anxiety and other mental problems.

I so hope your PAWS doesn't last longer than 24 months. I would be very motivated to continue if your PAWS lasted 24 months or less. I start month 18 of PAWS on 1 June. I am very afraid that it could last longer than 24 months.

On another streak I experienced the superpowers for 2 weeks straight. I felt like a kid, like I did before my addiction when I was 12 years old. No brain fog and no social anxiety. I could talk to anyone and my brain was ultra fast. Everything was fun. I was very light. I was a people magnet. Women and men wanted to hang out with me. Everyone wanted to have something to do with me. It was like I was in another dimension where everything was great. Sleep was great. I always felt good and positive 90-95% of the time. That was my state before my PMO addiction.

Now I know the cause of my PMO addiction. I was 13 years old when my parents were always fighting and finally divorced. There were often fights at home and I didn't know how to deal with the situation. Now during Flatline/PAWS I feel a lot of anger and I feel that I am now starting to process all the negative emotions. It's all coming up now. I spent 10 years suppressing my emotions and numbing myself with PMO and video-games. I had a lot of anger towards my parents during my PMO time, but suppressed it with PMO. I get stressed and angry very quickly, even about unnecessary things. PS: I no longer have any contact with my father.

As a child we don't immediately know how to deal with certain emotions and we are so easily vulnerable and manipulated. Under certain circumstances, e.g. trauma, we are quickly susceptible to addiction.

As I said, I didn't understand in my childhood and adolescence, that is until I was 21, that I was using PMO to suppress my negative emotions. I didn't understand that PMO was a drug and so on and so forth.

What worries me a lot is: Will this really end at month 24?

Thank you for your contribution and I hope you will write something back.

Greetings Experiment1996
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Hello Zander. I find your last post very interesting and recognise myself in some of the sentences. I am 24 years old and have done PMO from age 13-22. I have 17 months of PAWS so far.

Can you link me to this document ? I search almost daily for PAWS stories that go 1-2 years, be it PMO, sex, alcohol or other drugs like heroin and weed.

I started PMO when I was 13 and I didn't understand until I was 21 that PMO was the reason I had severe social anxiety and other mental problems.

I so hope your PAWS doesn't last longer than 24 months. I would be very motivated to continue if your PAWS lasted 24 months or less. I start month 18 of PAWS on 1 June. I am very afraid that it could last longer than 24 months.

On another streak I experienced the superpowers for 2 weeks straight. I felt like a kid, like I did before my addiction when I was 12 years old. No brain fog and no social anxiety. I could talk to anyone and my brain was ultra fast. Everything was fun. I was very light. I was a people magnet. Women and men wanted to hang out with me. Everyone wanted to have something to do with me. It was like I was in another dimension where everything was great. Sleep was great. I always felt good and positive 90-95% of the time. That was my state before my PMO addiction.

Now I know the cause of my PMO addiction. I was 13 years old when my parents were always fighting and finally divorced. There were often fights at home and I didn't know how to deal with the situation. Now during Flatline/PAWS I feel a lot of anger and I feel that I am now starting to process all the negative emotions. It's all coming up now. I spent 10 years suppressing my emotions and numbing myself with PMO and video-games. I had a lot of anger towards my parents during my PMO time, but suppressed it with PMO. I get stressed and angry very quickly, even about unnecessary things. PS: I no longer have any contact with my father.

As a child we don't immediately know how to deal with certain emotions and we are so easily vulnerable and manipulated. Under certain circumstances, e.g. trauma, we are quickly susceptible to addiction.

As I said, I didn't understand in my childhood and adolescence, that is until I was 21, that I was using PMO to suppress my negative emotions. I didn't understand that PMO was a drug and so on and so forth.

What worries me a lot is: Will this really end at month 24?

Thank you for your contribution and I hope you will write something back.

Greetings Experiment1996
Man, it is fucking insane how similar our stories are.

I was just talking to my therapist and came to the conclusion, mid conversation, that these withdrawals are just my brain's way of processing all of the stuff I buried due to trauma.

I'm not joking, your story is so fucking spot on to mine.

I'm also not talking to my father at the moment, and plan on doing so for the immediate future. I started to fall back into old patterns while being in contact with him and it was scary. I'm a shell of myself when I'm near him, or even talking to him on the phone.

Here is the link:
https://www.google.no/amp/s/amp.red...cted_writings_of_sikreodds97_transcript_of_2/

Also another 826 day flatline story:
https://www.google.no/amp/s/amp.red...nts/csqkbw/yes_end_of_27mo_flatline_826_days/

One more 2 year flatline, this guys could go back to a normal sex life with orgasms after:
https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/2cg8in
20 month flatline:
https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/agztv8
I'm really glad you opened up to me. It feels really nice to have someone on here going through such a similar process. It's proof that this new generation of addicts are suffering even more than previous ones. this stuff is sinister.

(Side note: 21 was the exact same age I started to realize what porn was doing. I'm 29 now, so it's been 8 years of trying to quit.)

Look forward to hearing back from you and to seeing you finally overcome all of this.

I also had a brief period where I was closed to being symptom free, and I use those couple of days as my flagpole. They are proof of what is at the other end.

I also hope it doesn't take you more than 24 months, but, sadly, there are now cases where guys are 830+ days and still struggling. Fucking insane man. This shit is so painful, only those who endure it can truly understand. Kind of limits your peer group, in a sense.
 
Man, it is fucking insane how similar our stories are.

I was just talking to my therapist and came to the conclusion, mid conversation, that these withdrawals are just my brain's way of processing all of the stuff I buried due to trauma.

I'm not joking, your story is so fucking spot on to mine.

I'm also not talking to my father at the moment, and plan on doing so for the immediate future. I started to fall back into old patterns while being in contact with him and it was scary. I'm a shell of myself when I'm near him, or even talking to him on the phone.

Here is the link:
https://www.google.no/amp/s/amp.red...cted_writings_of_sikreodds97_transcript_of_2/

Also another 826 day flatline story:
https://www.google.no/amp/s/amp.red...nts/csqkbw/yes_end_of_27mo_flatline_826_days/

One more 2 year flatline, this guys could go back to a normal sex life with orgasms after:
https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/2cg8in
20 month flatline:
https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/agztv8
I'm really glad you opened up to me. It feels really nice to have someone on here going through such a similar process. It's proof that this new generation of addicts are suffering even more than previous ones. this stuff is sinister.

(Side note: 21 was the exact same age I started to realize what porn was doing. I'm 29 now, so it's been 8 years of trying to quit.)

Look forward to hearing back from you and to seeing you finally overcome all of this.

I also had a brief period where I was closed to being symptom free, and I use those couple of days as my flagpole. They are proof of what is at the other end.

I also hope it doesn't take you more than 24 months, but, sadly, there are now cases where guys are 830+ days and still struggling. Fucking insane man. This shit is so painful, only those who endure it can truly understand. Kind of limits your peer group, in a sense.

I have separated from many toxic people since my recovery because they are not good for me or ridicule my recovery / don't take it seriously.

Unfortunately I know all those PAWS stories you sent me, but thanks anyway. I'm looking for new ones to stay motivated.

I found some more interesting posts that might interest you:

https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/72kb9b
https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/3sh5a7
https://www.reddit.com/r/leaves/comments/lnvde3

One question: I feel like I didn't really live at all during my addiction, i.e. from the age of 13-22. As if it had been a different person. I completely distance myself from PMO and have no interest in it. It feels like I am living properly now.

My perception of time is strange. The day is long, boring and filled with anhedonia. Somehow the week passes very slowly. A month feels like 2 months. Things I did yesterday feel like I did them 1 week ago. During my PMO addiction, the days have been flying.

I think this is part of the brain fog. Do you have this too ?

Thanks and greetings ;)
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
"My perception of time is strange. The day is long, boring and filled with anhedonia. Somehow the week passes very slowly. A month feels like 2 months. Things I did yesterday feel like I did them 1 week ago. During my PMO addiction, the days have been flying.

I think this is part of the brain fog. Do you have this too ?"

Yes I do. My life is quite boring, and time goes by quite slowly. Anhedonia is really tough, especially when you experience it day after day for close to 2 years. I'm running out of things to make time go by while I wait for the symptoms to alleviate.

I also experienced life kind of flying by during my active addiction. It kind of just disappeared. My brain also wasn't able to retain that many memories once the addiction got bad, probably because my ability to feel emotions was so nonexistent that nothing was able to stick, considering we remember the stuff that was most emotional.

But yeah, these days time goes by in a way I'm not used to. It's slower. I also notice more things: like the changing of the seasons, the weather, and other shit that, before, my brain wasn't able to pay attention to. So I guess those are good things, too.

Glad to have come across you and your story.

Also, congrats on 17 months. That's quite an accomplishment. Seems like you've really come a long way since your childhood, seeing as how it's pretty tough to stay sober if you're still trapped in old ways of thinking.

Nice job man :D
 
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"I'm running out of things to make time go by while I wait for the symptoms to alleviate."

Haha I feel exactly the same way. I have already tried everything. Spending time in nature, going for walks, "playing" a bit of basketball, which is just throwing balls into the basket, because too much sport is bad for me. I can't do any sport either. Running is not possible. Not even jogging. Haha.

I've also tried cooking and for the last 2 weeks I've been spending my time going to a different city every day and watching a film at the cinema.

My favourite activities at the moment are: food, watching a film at the cinema, going to live events like football, chilling on my smartphone and looking for PAWS stories.

I try to stay in my house as little as possible. If I stay in my house for several hours, my PAWS are worse. I usually park my car outside somewhere and chill in my car on my smartphone. I often change my environment. That helps me. I cannot stay in one place for a long time.

Because of PAWS, I don't go to work and somehow try to kill time. If you have any ideas, let me know.

"I also experienced life kind of flying by during my active addiction. It kind of just disappeared. My brain also wasn't able to retain that many memories once the addiction got bad, probably because my ability to feel emotions was so nonexistent that nothing was able to stick, considering we remember the stuff that was most emotional.

But yeah, these days time goes by in a way I'm not used to. It's slower. I also notice more things: like the changing of the seasons, the weather, and other shit that, before, my brain wasn't able to pay attention to. So I guess those are good things, too."


I absolutely agree with you there. I feel exactly the same way.

"Also, congrats on 17 months. That's quite an accomplishment. Seems like you've really come a long way since your childhood, seeing as how it's pretty tough to stay sober if you're still trapped in old ways of thinking."

Thank you very much and congratulations on your 19 months. I hope so much that it doesn't take longer than 24 months.
If we knew what date our PAWS would be over, we would take it much easier.

--->

One thing that also annoys me a lot is fatigue: no matter how many hours I sleep, as soon as I get up, I'm tired. I'll give you an example: I'm outside in nature and go for a 15-minute walk. Suddenly I get tired and have the urge to sit or lie down and rest. I feel this tiredness all over my body. I am then not only mentally tired, but also physically tired.

Or another thing: I go to a shopping centre to buy food. When I have done this simple task, I am more tired than I already am and I have to recover from this "easy" task.

It shocks me a bit that such "easy, normal" tasks, make me so tired like vacuuming or cleaning my room. I always have to recover after such tasks. That worries me a bit. I want to do more, but I can't. I want to go to work, but I am tired and have no energy.

Do you have an explanation of what is going on in my brain? Is it something to do with the dopamine? I want to go to work and earn money, but I can't. It's really strange. I want to be social and reach out to people, but I can't do these acts even though I want to and wish to.

I'm so glad it's only 1 week until May is over. Man, it's been a long month. Haha :D
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
"One thing that also annoys me a lot is fatigue: no matter how many hours I sleep, as soon as I get up, I'm tired. I'll give you an example: I'm outside in nature and go for a 15-minute walk. Suddenly I get tired and have the urge to sit or lie down and rest. I feel this tiredness all over my body. I am then not only mentally tired, but also physically tired.

Or another thing: I go to a shopping centre to buy food. When I have done this simple task, I am more tired than I already am and I have to recover from this "easy" task.

It shocks me a bit that such "easy, normal" tasks, make me so tired like vacuuming or cleaning my room. I always have to recover after such tasks. That worries me a bit. I want to do more, but I can't. I want to go to work, but I am tired and have no energy.

Do you have an explanation of what is going on in my brain? Is it something to do with the dopamine? I want to go to work and earn money, but I can't. It's really strange. I want to be social and reach out to people, but I can't do these acts even though I want to and wish to.

I'm so glad it's only 1 week until May is over. Man, it's been a long month. Haha :D"

Same exact experience. My motivation is next to nothing. My fatigue is high (though that part has improved a lot). I have almost zero desire to socialize, except for some rare mornings when I have a slight tinge of a craving to talk to another human. The beginnings are usually the easiest parts of my days, probably because I never relapsed in the morning, so my brain doesn't crave porn at those times.

I don't know the exact reasons for our fatigue/lack of motivation. I assume it has to do with dopamine, as you said. The Gary Wilson science serve(s/d) as a really nice way for me to look at what happened on a scientific level. I encourage anyone reading this to educate yourself on yourbrainonporn.com. Knowledge, as we all know, is power. Gary died recently, but his legacy will remain intact as long as we continue to give credence to his hard work and bravery. Imagine staking your reputation on something as taboo/embarrassing/controversial as porn addiction. What a great, courageous thing to do.

For me, I don't put pressure on myself to (socialize/work a career/perform other high energy facets of life) because I'm sure that I won't have issues with doing them once I leave the flatline. I'm sure you know what I mean. It's just an instinct that I have.

I completely agree--the not knowing part is really difficult. I'm right there with you.

I too hope that it doesn't take you 24 months. And if it doesn't, be sure to let me know about how it feels to be out of this mess. I'm excited for you to breach the surface man.

I'm scared that it's going to take me longer than 24 because I'm older, and am still experiencing these intense moments of pain/anger/fear/darkness.


Recently you said that time moves by really slow for you. The past week or so it seems that time is, for me, moving at an extremely slow pace. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's like a long car trip: the first 10 hours fly by because you know that the ride is going to take 15 in total. But once you start getting towards the end of the ride, each hour starts to feel like an eternity, and you start glancing at the clock after every song on the radio ends, keeping track of every minute that goes by.

Maybe I'm becoming a little more aligned with reality, so the blandness of my life is actually being felt in a deeper way. Who the hell knows, but yeah, time is inching along these days.
 
I would like to know if you also have problems with urination. Some in the "NoFap" community report this problem, but unfortunately Sikreodds97 (24 months PAWS) and ABYSSCONQUERER (27 months PAWS) did not mention it. I find this a bit strange.

If I drink 2 glasses of water I have to go urinate after 1 hour, then again after 1 hour and then again after 2 hours and then again after 2 hours. That's a total of 4 times. It feels as if after the 4th time these 2 glasses of water have been completely emptied by the urine. My bladder does not completely empty these 2 glasses of water by the 1st time, but by the 4th time. I have bladder emptying problems.

I think it is because too much sexual activity can cause an enlarged prostate and this leads to bladder problems.

During sexual arousal, the body and especially the pelvic floor is tense. And because some of us have been doing this for years, it can lead to bladder problems. That is my theory...
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Think I'm starting to have a new relationship with time. Everything feels different to me these days. Don't know how to describe it.

Gotta stay strong. Inching closer and closer to the best day of my life. That's encouraging, right? Knowing that the best day of your life is going to occur within the next year or so?

Still have a ways to go though. Need to be ready for anything. Pain will be my companion until the very end.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Time is still going by at a slow pace. Starting to believe that this is a sign that my brain is slowly aligning itself with reality. Still not there yet. Definitely not there. But yeah, it's a change.

So excited for all of this to be over.

What's funny is that I've relied on very small things to keep me going during these difficult times.

the first is that I've been intermittent fasting for over a year now. The small amount of discipline and routine that this habit requires allows me to feel a small sense of control in my otherwise fucked up mess of a world.

Also, I've been growing my hair out. I figure it'll take another 2-3 months before I can tie it back at the top, creating a half man bun. For some reason this excites me very much, and gives me something to look forward to.

I'm also using the magic mushrooms as an incentive to get to the finish line, because I can't take them whilst feeling so dark and anxious/fragile.

Obviously there are many more things that are motivating me, but these are the kinds of things that I can think about on a daily basis.

Really excited about the hair.

And the ability to read on a consistent basis. And a fuck ton of other things that I've already listed, like writing fiction, movies, love, socializing, exploring other cities/countries, more reading, meeting new people.

I've been in a 1+ month dip in form. Barely any MW, a lot of darkness/anxiety/depression/anhedonia. Have had some oasis-like days where things aren't as bad, but, for the most part, it's been pretty brutal. But it'll end, just like everything else. And when it does I'll be ready.

Also ready for more pain, and struggle, and doubt. I'm fatigued by this nonsense. I really am. But it has kind of forced my hand when it comes to not giving up. I am someone who fucked his brain up so bad that there isn't any room for second chances anymore. No more putting this pain off.

As always, the most important thing is to not relapse. Need to continue to be vigilant, above all else.

Edit: Also, the last time I said I was going to go on antidepressants I ended up choosing not to after being talked out of it by someone.

Well, I have an appointment in an hour with a nurse practitioner and am hoping to be put on an antidepressant. I don't plan on being on it forever, but I would like something to make the last 4-10 months of this reboot easier.

There is a pretty large shot that they won't work, but I'm willing to give it a go. If anything, it'll help reframe the next few weeks, providing me a new thing to keep an eye on/look forward to.
 
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Jeks

Well-Known Member
Sounds like you are able to endure the process a bit better at the moment. Thats nice. I hope, it will continue to get better for you from here on.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Sounds like you are able to endure the process a bit better at the moment. Thats nice. I hope, it will continue to get better for you from here on.

Yeah, me too. More pain will have to be faced before I get to the finish line, but I can feel like I'm moving again. It's very hard to describe all of the minute changes that are occurring, but yeah, stuff is happening. I don't want to get too excited because as I've said a fucking million times in the past, I don't want to get too optimistic and set myself up for a letdown. I still expect the worst on most occasions. I still don't trust positive outcomes.

This journey has changed me in a profound way. It has affected me far more than anything else that has occurred/appeared in my life. It has changed everything.

One thing I'm grateful for is that this pain has allowed me to kind of break free from the generational horseshit within my family. I now feel like a true outsider, and I'm proud of that fact. It's like a total reinvention of my last name, and one that I can finally be proud of. It feels more on brand with who I am. And I'm no longer fearful of being independent. It's lonely (for now), yeah, but I'm confident that what I'm doing/thinking is more near the truth than I ever was before.

If I make it through this intact, and document my experience, then I'll already have something that I can hang my hat on before I die. This will be my most significant accomplishment thus far, without fucking question. Graduating college meant absofuckinglutely nothing to me. I was ashamed of myself as I accepted my diploma. It all felt fake. I didn't feel one smidgeon of accomplishment. It was something I did for others. It was done out of fear, and inauthenticity.

But this...this feels like mine. It feels true. It feels earned.

But I'm getting way too ahead of myself. I'm not there yet. I can fuck up at any moment. Truly. And that's not just a thing that I say. Porn will always be at the tip of my fingers. That's just the nature of modernity.

On day 3 of my antidepressant: I already feel different. What the pill does for me, seemingly, is soften the edges of the withdrawals. It also lessens my anxiety and allows me to breathe a little.

I don't know if I'll stay on it long term or what. I'm just going to see what life is like once I'm out of the flatline. It's impossible for me to know what I'll be like on the other side, so it'd be stupid for me to make any predictions or ultimatums.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Hope you are doing alright.
Not bad man. Just went to a wedding and had a pretty good time. Was able to be social and all that. Felt like a person.

In 2 weeks I'll be 20 months sober. Life hasn't felt as heavy for the past week. Genuinely excited for what's next.

Hoping really dark days are completely behind me, but ya never know.

Very excited for all of this to be over with for good. It's going to be the greatest achievement of my life to get all of this totally figured out.

Oh, and got good reviews on my long hair. Feels good to go for something and it to turn out. Feel like I'm developing a real identity.

Still have anhedonia and am bored a lot of the time, but it's nice for things not to feel dark and shitty.

Once my libido starts to return I'll know I'm close to the end.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Yes yesterday was very rough. And today is difficult as well. But I can't forget that the main goal will always be this: do not relapse. Ever. Time will take care of the pain. Just need to do my one and only job which is to avoid relapsing at all costs.
 
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